More than just cake
by MiMiMargot
Summary: "Lawliet." she exhaled softly. The word tasted of chocolate and vanilla and stars and high skies and darkness, and she loved the way it made her feel, when it left her lips. She pronounced it like 'low light', and instantly her heart was in the nights they had lay side by side on the huge canopy bed of her room in Wammy's house, and he had fallen asleep holding her hand.
1. Twinings

**Hey ya'll! I just completely rewrote this first chapter, because it was rubbish, haha! I hope it's better now.**

 **Please, leave a review! You have no idea how much it means to me.**

* * *

 **August 1, 2004**

L stared at the screen in front of him.

It showed a girl standing on the pavement. Just standing there, waiting, looking straight at the security camera, as if she knew she was being observed.

 _So, she came. I didn't think she would._

L gave a sigh.

The girl was wearing a loose pair of jeans, a blouse that left her shoulders bare, and a pair of sandals. Her red hair formed a halo around her face, even if she had tried to braid it on a french braid. Her skin was just as pale as L remembered, with a thousand freckles scattered on her nose and cheeks. There were no colors in the security camera footage, but even without them, L knew the eyes that kept staring back at him were green. The eyes of a cat.

There was a bag on the girl's shoulder, a bag large enough to hold some clothes and necessities for a weekend trip, but not much more. Still, L had a feeling that she had come for a longer than a weekend. Maybe the bag was small, because she had left in a hurry. In fact, the bag seemed new - like it hadn't been worn before. It was probably purchased from the airport, he deducted. So, she had been in a hurry when she left.

 _Watari shouldn't have called her. This will only make things more complicated._

L took the bowl that held sugarcubes, and began to pick them up one by one, add them to his tea one by one, counting them silently in his mind.

" _...thirteen, fourteen, fifteen…"_

A cup of tea couldn't hold much more than fifteen sugar cubes, but still he kept on adding them until they formed a small mountain and began to roll off, fall to the table. He hardly noticed. He had turned his eyes back at the girl.

" _What's your name?"_

" _Felicity."_

" _No, your new name. The one they gave you here."_

" _It's Fay. But I don't like that name. It sucks."_

L shook his head to the memory.

Felicity Penrose.

Fay.

What on earth was she here for? L had forgotten about his tea. It got cold in the cup, the sugar cubes melting slowly into a sticky goo, the wind made Fay's hair escape the braid and fly around her face.

"Mr. Aizawa." he said, not turning his eyes away from the screen.

"Yes?"

"It seems we have a visitor. Would you be as kind, as to escort her up here?"

* * *

Fay stood by the door.

It felt like her heart was trying to escape through her sternum, and her head was dizzy.

It had been only 20 hours since Watari had called her, and here she was, on the other side of the globe - still feeling the turbulence of the plane as a swaying in her head, the jet lag making her feel slightly out of place.

But what really hit her, was him.

 _Christ, I can't believe he's going to act like nothing happened! Like we didn't part ways the way we did._

Maybe she shouldn't have been surprised by it, though. The only real question was, was she going to do the same?

He had hadn't even glanced at her, he just kept staring at the TV screens on the wall, as if they were far more important than she was, which was probably true. It wasn't like he had called her and asked her to be here. Most likely her presence was nothing more than an annoyance to him, something to be tolerated, nothing more.

 _Well, we'll see about that._ Fay decided. _I can be useful._

She let her bag fall to the floor, and slowly walked across the room, closer to L.

"This must be a tricky case, as Watari sent for me." she said. "It is the Kira case, isn't it?"

"It is." L answered, and for the first time turned to look at Fay. His huge panda-eyes bore right through her. "And it is taking longer than I'd like to admit, to solve this one."

"Indeed. I would've thought you'd solved it in a few weeks, tops. How long has it been now? Almost a year?"

"Nine months."

"Long enough. Time to put an end to this thing. How can I help?"

"Would you make me another cup of tea?"

L picked up his tea cup from the table and held it up, delicately, with just his thumb and the index finger. Fay noticed the cup was full of icky stuff, that was most likely too many sugar cubes melted into something.

An emotion flushed through Fay's heart, and made her cheeks blush.

 _He hasn't changed at all. But what did you expect, really? Did you think he'd learnt to put the kettle on by himself?_

"Nah, no way." Fay shook her head. "I'm not your maid, Ryuzaki. Someone else can make your tea."

"Oh, can't blame me for asking." L answered, but turned his attention back at the TV screens, and the sweets. "The files are on my laptop over there, you can start by going through them. Once you've finished, I'll hear what you thought."

"Fine." Fay walked to the table, and was glad to sit down on the sofa and pick up the laptop. She felt like it gave her protection, something that would hide her.

Every member of the task force was still staring at her, the men introduced as Aizawa, Matsuda, Mogi and Deputy Director Yagami. Especially the cute young one, Matsuda, eyed her with clear interest, and there were pink spots on his cheekbones - something that made Fay avoid his eyes. Yeah, with her slender figure and the huge cloud of fiery red curls, she was used to men noticing her, but this was different. The only man she _wanted_ to notice her, was L - and he was the only one who kept acting like she wasn't even there.

Or more likely, like the last four years hadn't happened at all, which made Fay a bit annoyed.

She tried to concentrate on the files, but was interrupted again - by a truly good looking, light haired guy, who sat close to L - Light Yagami, she remembered.

"Ryuzaki." he said with a low voice.

"Uhhuh?" L muttered, his mouth now full of sweets.

"Come on, who is this girl? How come you're just handing her our names, and the most secret files of our investigation?"

Fay rolled her eyes at this remark. She had been introduced by Watari when she had arrived - as L's friend, and a former co-worker. Shouldn't that be enough? She instantly disliked that guy.

"As said-" L swallowed. "-she is a friend. She can be trusted."

"I thought you didn't have any friends. Besides, the rest of us don't know a thing about her."

"You don't know a thing about me either, and still you trust me Light-kun. Or at least that is what you say."

"You're one to talk about trust." Light noted, rather pointedly.

It wasn't until then, that Fay noticed it. A silvery chain that went from his wrist to L's, connecting the two men together. They were handcuffed.

 _Now, that's curious!_

"Ryuzaki." Fay said, looking up from the laptop.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to tell me why you're handcuffed to this nosy guy, who talks like I'm not even here?"

"Oh." L seemed to notice their weird setting for the first time. "Because I'm not completely convinced that he is not Kira."

"For the 100th time, I'm not Kira!" the young man snapped.

"We will find out about that, eventually." L replied coolly. "Fay, Light-kun is my friend. I wish the two of you get along."

"Your friend, _and_ a suspect in the Kira case?" Fay eyed the pair in disbelief. "That's totally messed up. I can see why you need me."

"Actually, I need you for the tea." L replied. "You do know how to make it - it helps me think."

Fay rolled her eyes.

"I thought it was my presence that helped you think."

"Is there a contradiction?"

"Agh, just like the old times." Fay snapped, but couldn't help a smile. "You're unbelievable!"

"Yes, so I have been told."

" I can't believe I'm falling for this again!"

"So, you'll be making my tea, then?" asked L, and picked up the cup again. "Thank you, I do appreciate it, Fay."

A moment of silence.

"Fine, whatever." Fay stated, and gave a sigh. She stood up, and walked to L, to take the cup from his fingers. When she did that, their hands almost touched.

How could she stay mad at him, when he was being like this? Like they had never been apart at all? He was making her slip right back to where they had been before-

Before she had ruined everything.

Just the memory of that was enough to take Fay's breath away.

 _You should be grateful he lets you be here. You should be happy you're here at all._

She took the cup and walked to Watari.

"Will you show me where the kettle is?"

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 **I hope you enjoyed this! If so, write a review - and please, continue into the next chapter. :D**


	2. Cheescake

**August 1, 2004**

 **Later that night.**

It felt so strange to be at L's presence again. Surreal even, and yet, so painfully familiar.

How long had it been, since the last time?

Fay knew the answer to that question instinctively, without having to think at all. It had been exactly four years, three months and seventeen days since she had last seen him. She probably would've known the number of hours and minutes too, had she not been so jet lagged.

She had thought then, that it was the last time. That she'd never sit around the same table with him like this. Had someone had told her even a week ago, that at this day she'd be in a room in Tokyo, looking at L munching his precious cake, she would've told them to sod off, laughing out loud.

But life rarely goes like you plan.

Now it felt like those four years had never happend at all. Now they felt like a dream, and this like reality.

He looked the same, not a day older. He still went without shoes, and Fay could've sworn those were the exact same jeans he had worn that day - that day she still didn't want to think about. That day four years, three months and seventeen days ago, when she'd ripped out her heart.

But some things had changed.

Fay noticed the shadows under his eyes, that they were darker than they had been. And he seemed tired, even more so than before. He seemed sad, and it broke her heart.

Fay missed his smile more than she had ever missed anything in the whole world.

This case must be different from the ones we worked on, she thought. For I have never seen him like this before.

They were sitting in L and Light's rooms, on the chairs around a low table. L was crouching, in his usual position, Light leaning back, seemingly relaxed, but Fay noticed how he kept observing her, his eyes sharp and hard - a complete opposite to his mellow pose.

She wondered, if he indeed was Kira.

After reading the files on L's laptop, she had been convinced of it. It was the only logical explanation. But then again, looking at Light now… she wasn't so sure. And neither was L, she knew. Thus, the handcuffs. Keeping your friends close, but enemies closer.

"So, how is it working out for you guys?" she asked, after a short silence. "Being handcuffed?"

"I hardly notice it anymore." L said, stuffing some strawberry cheesecake into his mouth, his gaze moving on the laptop screen.

The look on Light's face told Fay, that he sure did notice the cuffs, but he didn't comment on the matter. He looked bored, if something.

"How long has it been?" she inquired.

"Nine days." L answered.

"And how long do you plan to keep it up?"

"As long as it takes to be sure."

"Huh." Fay nodded. "I see. So... are you guys sleeping together?"

"No!" Light snapped, clearly shocked by her notion - which Fay found rather amusing.

"Yes." said L, with a neutral tone. "We do sleep in the same bed. How else would this work?"

"That's all there is? Two beautiful guys in the same bed, every night, handcuffed together..?"

Maybe she tried to get a reaction out of him, maybe she just needed to know. Watching L's delicate features, the line of his jaw, his sharp adam's apple, the way he carefully set down the spoon on his plate, holding it with just his thumb and the index finger, brought too many memories to her mind.

She remembered how those long, delicate fingers felt, when they entwined with hers, as they lay silently in the darkness, and the only sound in the world was his peaceful breathing.

"I don't feel that way about Light-kun." L stated, his eyes on the laptop screen, drawing Fay back to this moment. "This is a necessity, not a pleasure."

"And I have a girlfriend." Light noted sharply.

"You do?" Fay asked. "Alright, then."

"Her name is Misa Amane." L explained.

"Oh, Misa Misa?"

Following the Kira case from afar, Fay had noticed the rumors claiming that Misa Amane had something to do with the Kira killings, and then the young model had gone missing for months… Now Fay knew where she had been, of course. Here, under L's guarding eyes. She had gathered, that he suspected her of being the second Kira. But she hadn't known she was Light Yagami's girlfriend.

"You are very lucky, Light. Misa is super cute! I've seen her in magazines." Fay complemented. "But Ryuzaki… shouldn't you have handcuffed her to you too? Or to Light, if they are a couple."

"That would've been too complicated."

"Plus, I never would've allowed that." Light stated.

"Yes, Light-kun is very protective of Misa. I can understand that." L's eyes moved to Fay's and suddenly she felt weak all over.

Nothing had changed. He only had to look at her, and she would've given her life for him. To hide her emotion, she lowered her gaze. There were some sweets on the table in front of them, and she busied herself with organizing the macarons on a plate by colour, so that in a short while they formed a neat spiral.

"So, where is Misa Amane at the moment." Fay asked after reaching her inner calm again. "You are keeping her under surveillance as well, right?"

"Of course. I cannot let her go just yet, for I am still not convinced of her innocence. She lives here, in this same building."

"She does?" Now that was actually interesting. "Do you get to see her without Ryuzaki, Light?"

"No, I don't." Light answered shortly.

"Oh." Fay noted. "Your dates must be interesting. How does she like the fact that you sleep together with another man? Does she know that you are gay?"

Light looked like she'd hit him.

"What!? I am not gay!"

"No need to be offended, it is the 21st century." Faye shrugged. "You are handcuffed to a ridiculously cute guy, with whom you share a bed. Besides, Yagami spelled backwards is 'I'm a gay'."

"Hey-!" Light protested, but was interrupted by L.

"The thought crossed my mind too, but thinking about it, Deputy Director is also named Yagami, and he is not gay. It is their real name."

"Funny." Fay grinned.

"Yes, I thought so too." but still, he did not smile.

"You're mocking my name? Seriously? A man, who's name consist of a single letter." Light muttered. "Besides, would it not be time to go to bed already? I need to stay sharp, for the investigation."

"Ryuzaki's name does not consist of a single letter." Fay said. "There are seven letters, you know."

L looked up from the cake he'd been eating, and something sharp flashed in his eyes.

Seven letters. Lawliet.

Watch your words, his eyes seemed to tell her. Light is Kira.

His eyes, dark like forest ponds on a starless night. Gods, how much Fay had missed looking into them, falling into them. It felt like home.

She wondered if he felt the same, when looking her in the eye. If he remembered her real name too. But he was as he had always been, as beautiful, and as far away from her, as the moon.

"I'll make us some tea." she said, and turned her gaze away from L. "And then I'll leave you lovebirds to your nest."

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 **Made some changes to this chapter. I hope you like it, and please review!**


	3. Koala-cookies

**August 2, 2004.**

"It is very nice of you to show me around." Fay said. "I have never been to Japan before, and everything is so different from Europe."

She was walking down the street, outside the operations building. The August of Tokyo was steaming hot, and even in her low cut top and loose cotton pants Fay felt the heat. She couldn't understand how Matsuda, who was walking by her side, endured in his business suit.

"Ah, no problem." Matsuda grinned. "It is my pleasure to walk with you."

"You are very kind, Matsuda-san." Fay bowed her head. "I know you must have more important things to do."

"More important than showing you the nearest 7eleven to get Ryuzaki his daily dose of sugar?" Matsuda laughed. "What could be more important than that?"

Fay answered his smile. It was easy, he was a likable guy.

But he was not L.

"You are correct even if you mean to joke." She replied. "Ryuzaki… he is not like you or me, his mind is different. He needs the sweets to think, and thus we need to provide him with them. If he didn't get his fix, we would all be in trouble."

"You think so?"

"I know so." Fay corrected. "I have known him for a long time."

"Oh yeah, he said you were family."

Fay gave a sigh. "That is as good as a word as any. But we are not related by blood, if that was what you were thinking. We lived in the same place for some years, though."

"Wow, it feels so weird to hear someone talking about Ryuzaki's past - makes me almost believe he is a human after all."

Fay gave him a small, sideways smile.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Matsuda-san, but I mustn't talk much about it. You might have noticed, but he likes to keep some things to himself."

"Yeah, he sure does." he laughed.

By that time they had already reached the nearest corner, where a 7Eleven and a FamilyMart were both presented. Just out of curiosity, Fay chose the latter one.

It didn't took her long to pick the sweets she knew L would like. It wasn't like this was her first time shopping for him. There had been times when it had been a repeating habit. Soon her small shopping basket was filled with a selection of soft fruit candies, chocolate bars, koala shaped Lotte cookies with chocolate filling, and even sweet, honey and caramel flavoured potato chips - to give him something other than just plain sugar to eat.

Not for the first time Fay wondered how on Earth did L manage to get enough vitamins and nutrients to stay healthy. Maybe Watari hid them in his tea, or something. Maybe she should do the same.

Or maybe she should just stop worrying about him. But old habits die hard.

Fay shook her head to clear her mind. This was crazy! Had she really come all the way to Japan just for this? Why had Watari insisted that she came? Was it really for the Kira case, or-

"Wow, that's a lot of sweets!" Matsuda's cheerful voice interrupted her troubled thoughts.

She made a small laugh.

"It'll be enough for one day, two tops."

"Geeh, how does he stay alive eating like that?"

"His brain burns the calories, I guess." She shrugged. "I used to bake carrot cake for him, you know. To get him eat at least some veggies."

"Ha! Carrot cake as health food? That's a new one."

He insisted on paying, and Fay felt it wouldn't have been polite to argue, so she let him. But for a girl who has always had to take care of herself, and others, it was weird. As was the way Matsuda carried the plastic bags filled with candies, as if she couldn't have done it herself.

Though somehow it felt nice too. She glanced sideways at Matsuda as they walked side by side back to the operations building. He was a full head taller than she was, and he had the lean, toned body that looked neat in a suit. He was a nice looking guy with his a bit too long hair, his dark eyes and the friendly smile that always seemed to play on his lips.

He reminded her of her boyfriend, and suddenly a pang of longing hit her heart.

 _Ex-boyfriend_. She had to remind herself. _You left him, remember?_

But still it hurt to think about it.

"Damn, it's a hot day!" she said, to get something else to think about.

"Yeah, it sure is." he replied, and turning to look at him, she noticed the small sweat droplets on his forehead. Instinctively she searched her pocket for a napkin.

"Wait a sec." she said, and as he stopped, she tiptoed to dry his forehead with the linen napkin. "There. You feel better?"

Matsuda's cheeks were burning on a way that had nothing to do with the hot weather.

He made a nervous laughter.

"Umm…. Miss Fay, would you like to have coffee with me, someday?"

"Matsuda-san… do you mean like a date?"

"Please, don't call me that, it makes me feel like I'm million years old. Call me Matsu, if you please. And yeah, I guess I do. Mean a date, I mean." he blushed.

"Oh, I'm flattered, but I'm sorry. I cannot have coffee with you."

"Why not?"

He seemed so disappointed, that Fay immediately regretted her words. Would it really be so bad to go to a date with this guy? Would L even notice if she did?

But just a thought of L's face was enough to make her heart skip a beat, and she knew she had done enough running away and hiding, for a lifetime.

Enough of playing with other people's hearts too.

"Because I love Ryuzaki." she said silently.

"You… you love Ryuzaki?"

"Yes. I have always loved him. And that's why I cannot have coffee with you, Matsuda-san."

A short silence followed her words. They were walking slowly now, and Fay didn't turn to look at Matsuda again. She didn't want to see the shock in his eyes.

"Does he know?" he asked after a while.

"Yes, I assume so. He knows everything."

"Well, not everything."

"He knows everything there is to know about me. But Matsuda-san… can I ask that you would not talk of this around him. He needs to stay focused on the investigation. I can trust you to keep this a secret, right?"

"Oh, alright." Matsuda gave a sigh, and a small laugh. "I have no luck in these things. The girls never notice me! Light has Misa, Ryuzaki has you-"

"Don't say such things. I would definitely notice you, if..." She shrugged and shook her head. "If things were different."

"Eh? You said you would notice me, if it wasn't for him?"

"Sure. You're very cute. But try not being so desperate - girls like guys who are hard to get, Matsuda-san."

"Still with the 'Matsuda-san'?" He looked so beaten that Fay couldn't help but feel for him. She gave him a small smile

"Alright, I'll call you Matsu if you insist. Just don't get any ideas."

"I won't, I promise! So no coffee, or asking you out?."

"No coffee. But you _could_ take me out for a beer or whisky some night." it just slipped out, and she had no idea where that suggestion had come from. Hastily she added: "Just as friends, I mean."

"As friends, sure!" Matsuda laughed, and ran his fingers through his hair.

It didn't take them long to get back to the Operations Building, but the security checks were another matter altogether. When they finally got to the upper floor, and stepped into the HQ, Matsuda's cheeks had finally returned to their normal color.

But seeing L, made Fay's heart jump to her throat.

He had a black eye, a cut lip - and his hair was a mess, even more so, than usually. She had never seen him in such a state before.

The groceries (that Matsuda had just returned to her) slipped off Fay's fingers and fell to the floor.

"What happened to you?" she squeaked.

"What do you mean, Fay?" he didn't even turn his gaze off the screens.

"You… you look like you've been in a street fight."

"Oh, that." L stated matter of factly. "It's nothing. We had a slight disagreement with Light-kun, but it is settled now."

"Yeah, it happened earlier today…" Matsuda muttered. "When they were on the date with Misa Misa."

"And you didn't happen to mention it to me?"

Matsuda did the wise thing of not answering.

Fay glanced at Light Yagami, who was sitting by L's side, sulking. It wasn't until then that she noticed, he was in a similar shape than L. Bruises in his face were still red and raw, and for a moment Fay wondered what had L actually done to him. How did you even manage to fight, when handcuffed to another person?

"You kicked each other's ass?" she rolled her eyes. "Really? Do I even want to know, why?"

"I doubt it." L stated. "Did you bring me anything?"

For an answer, Fay threw a box of Lotte cookies at him. L was surprisingly swift, and managed to turn and catch it before it hit the back of his head.

"Oh, good!" he was genuinely delighted, as he ripped the box open with his delicate, long fingers, and began to stuff the cookies into his mouth. "Now you can read the file I left on the table, if you would. We'll discuss it later."

Without a word Fay sat down, and picked up the file, but her eyes were still on L, even if he didn't pay her any more attention.

He looked like a big child, crouching on his chair, hugging his knees and munching Lotte cookies. His hair was a total mess, his white shirt dirty and rumpled after the fight, and there were small blood stains in it.

 _Why do I love him?_ Fay wondered for the thousandth time. _Why do I even bother? I could have Matsuda or almost any other guy with a snap of my fingers, and I choose that one?_

But just then L turned around in his chair, his huge saucer eyes bore through her heart and her soul, and she felt like falling.

"Thank you for the cookies, Fay." He said, with the cool, dark voice Fay loved so much that it hurt. "I am glad that you are here."

"Yeah, don't mention it." she sighed. "Where else would I be?"

* * *

 **Please, let me know what you thought! Every review is highly appreciated! Thanks! :)**


	4. Lollipop

**Mid August, 2004**

"Pling!"

Fay woke up to the sound her laptop made, when someone sent her an email.

She yawned, rolled to her side and checked the time. 2:07 am. Great. She knew that at this time it could only be one person, and if it was him, it was important.

She stretched, sat up and pulled the laptop to her bed.

"Fay." the email said. "Are you awake?"

She yawned, and shook her head to clear her thoughts.

"I am now." she typed. "What is it?"

"I need to talk to you."

Her heart skipped a beat. That was the most intimate thing he had said to her in these few weeks she had spent here. He needed her. It was 2 am, and he was awake, thinking about her. Needing her. Just that thought was enough to make her lose her balance.

She answered swiftly.

"I'm here. Go ahead."

It felt like eternity to wait for the answer, but it arrived after only a few seconds.

"There are many things we must discuss, but we cannot do that now. I know it is difficult, but you must be patient."

"Alright." Fay typed. "I can do that."

She rolled her eyes to herself. Yeah, right. Patience, her strongest trait - or not. But she could be patient, for L, if she had to. At least she'd had enough practice in that.

The next answer took a bit longer to arrive

"Good. I cannot speak freely with you, as long as I am tied to Light Yagami. You must watch your words around him as well. He is extremely intelligent, and he remembers everything he notices, even the slightest things. You can never let your guard down, when he is around. But even if this is hard, you must understand how important it is, that I keep him close."

A small pause.

"Do you understand, Fay?"

She nodded, even if no one was there to see her.

"Yes, I understand." she wrote. "What else do you need?"

He answered quickly.

"I keep my eyes on Light, but you can help too. I need you to get close to Misa Amane, and if possible, befriend her. I am almost certain, that she is, or was, the second Kira. She did not confess during the days of confinement, so it is unlikely that you get much out of her, but even the smallest thing can be of importance."

Fay gave a long sigh. So, he needed her to become a spy for him. Well, it wasn't the first time. That didn't mean she had to like it, though. Spending time with someone like Misa…. well, Fay suspected it would be burdensome.

"Alright." she replied, frowning. "Will do."

A longer silence followed her comment. For a few minutes, Fay stared at the laptop screen, it's bluish light hurting her tired eyes.

Finally she couldn't take it anymore.

"Ryuzaki." she wrote. "Are you still there?"

A short moment.

"Yes."

She pictured him in her mind, sitting on the bed in his typical position, wearing his tattered white shirt and baggy jeans, sucking on a lollipop while he typed his answer. Fay remembered just how his bare feet looked, his thin, long toes that curled on the white sheets. But this time it wasn't her in his bed. It was Light - no, Kira - who shared the bed with L, and that thought brought a foul taste to her lips.

Talking about sleeping with the enemy.

She frowned to her thoughts, and typed: "Can you not sleep?"

He did not answer. It was annoying, but Fay knew he did that when he thought the question did not deserve an answer.

She tried again.

"I miss you. I miss talking to you."

A silence. The only sound in Fay's room was the clock on the wall, slowly eating time. It was 2.30 am now, and all sleepiness had left Fay's head.

She didn't really expect for L to answer her latest comment. It was just something she had wanted to say to him, ever since first laying her eyes on him two weeks ago, and even if it had been unnerving to write, she felt relieved too.

 _He must know I love him_ , she thought. _He must know I've never stopped thinking about him. That I've regretted every day I spent away from him. For if I'm not with him, I might as well be dead._

She was startled when an email arrived, with the loud 'pling!'.

"I've missed you too. Sleep now."

Her heart was racing, as she read his words again and again in the darkness of her room.

She knew she had to delete all the messages. There should be no trace of their email exchange in case this laptop ever fell into the hands of the enemy. But it caused her physical pain to do so, to erase the latest message.

 _I've missed you too._

So he had thought about her as well, during these years they had not heard of each other. And Fay had though she'd been alone with her heartache.

She lay down on her bed, and closed her eyes, sure that the sleep would not find her again. But it didn't take long until she drifted away, to the state of half sleep, half awake and was drawn back to the endless river of memories, filled with images that all contained his face.

* * *

She is six or seven years old. It's night, but she's afraid to go to bed. This place scares her, it has big, empty rooms, echoing hallways and old furniture that smells weird. The only place she feels safe is under the table of the dining hall, where the tablecloth almost reaches the floor and creates a cave, filled with soft dusk. No one know's she's there. It's her secret place.

 _Let them search_ , she thinks. _I don't care. I don't have to go to bed if I don't want to!_

She can hear the sounds of the adults from somewhere far away. She knows they are calling for her, but she covers her ears with her hands and tries so hard not to care, not to hear.

But then someone lifts the tablecloth, just enough to crawl under it, and enter her hideout.

It's a boy, not much older than herself. She has seen him in this house before, during these past few days, but she doesn't know his name. He's peculiar looking with his raven black hair and skin that looks like porcelain. He looks like he's never been outside. His colors make her think about Snow White, and thinking about Snow White makes her think about her fairytale books, which are in her room in her home. And that makes her think about Mom, who is there too, and she reads the story to her, caressing her hair, and her heart is so filled with love and happiness that she feels like bursting. It feels like there's a sun inside of her chest.

But she's not home, not really, and her heart is empty and hollow and it hurts so much she cannot breath. And Mom's not here, but just this weird boy who sits under _her_ table, crouching and hugging his knees.

"What's your name?" the boy asks. His eyes are huge and dark, and even if he is just a kid, like her, his eyes seem like they've seen it all. They are the eyes of a much older person.

"Felicity." she mutters reluctantly.

"No, your new name. The one they gave you here."

"It's Fay. But I don't like that name. It sucks."

"It doesn't matter. You should still use it. Names have power. You don't want to give yours away that easily."

"My name is Felicity." she answers, stubborn. "That's what my Mom calls me."

And suddenly tears well in her eyes, and they fall to her cheeks, so fast, like they've come from nowhere. She hates it. She hates feeling this helpless, and she hates the fact that that boy keeps staring at her, while she bits her lip to stop crying.

He doesn't try to comfort her, he just waits till she calms down, even if it takes a long time. It's almost dark in the room now, but under the table they are safe. She is safe. No one can take this place away from her.

"Is this where you've been sleeping?" the boy asks after some time.

She nods, and looks away from his eyes. They are unnerving with their huge, dark irises, their thick, black lashes.

"I don't like to sleep in my room either." he says. "That's why I don't sleep."

"You don't sleep?" she asks. "Ever?"

"I try not to."

"That's impossible." she frowns.

"Is it?" the boy asks, but he's not joking. The look in his eyes is dead serious, and Felicity notices the dark circles under his eyes, the tiredness on his face, and she believes him.

"I would sleep if they'd just take me back to my room." she says. "My own room. Not the stupid one they've given me here."

"Fay-" he says.

"Don't call me that! I hate that name!"

"Listen to me, Fay." he doesn't care about her outburst. "You cannot go home again. Not ever."

She's crying again. Tears in her throat taste like blood and she feels choking. She hates this stupid place, and everyone in it, and especially this boy who is ruining her secret cave, the only place she likes in here.

"Shut up! You don't know that!"

"I know. And you know too." he says, and he is still as calm as ever. His eyes are sad though, but Felicity doesn't want to think about that. She doesn't want to feel for him.

But in her heart she knows he's telling the truth. And she knows it's true, because she can see in his eyes that he's been through this same thing. He can't go home either. They're both stuck in here.

"I'm not coming out of here." she sniffs through tears. "They can't make me."

"True."

Another silence, this time a longer one.

She's so tired, but she feels like her head is filled with lead and tears and ugly thoughts, and she knows her dreams will be nothing but nightmares. Still she lays down on the floor, and crouches into a fetal position, on her side. The boy is still sitting, in his weird posture, still looking at her through his thick lashes.

It looks like he is not going to go anywhere either.

"What's your name?" she asks, after a while.

"L." he replies.

"That's not a name. That's a letter."

"It's what you should call me."

"No. I want to know your _real_ name." she insists. "This is _my_ place, and if you want to stay here too, you need to give me something. I want your name."

He is silent for a long time, blinking his huge saucer eyes. Felicity has no idea what's going through his mind.

"That's not a very good deal." he finally says.

"Fine." Felicity replies. "Then let's make a better one."

And for the first time in a long time she forgets to miss her Mom.

* * *

 **Please, let me know what you thought! Take the time to write a review. :)**


	5. Cava

**The end of September, 2004**

It was the longest September of Fay's life.

The Kira investigation was stuck, and L was depressed. They had no new clues, they were no closer of proving that Light Yagami was Kira, or that Misa Amane was the second Kira. And for that, Fay felt depressed too.

She had tried her best to get close to Misa, as L had requested, but it was a task lot harder than she had anticipated.

Firstly, because Misa was still under constant supervision, and Fay didn't do well knowing that she was being watched. Secondly, because unlike she had thought, she really liked Misa.

And unlike L, she didn't really enjoy suspecting that someone she cared for, could be a mass murderer.

"Wow, this is so much fun!" Misa laughed, wiping her eyes. "I'm so glad that I have a girlfriend now!"

"Hey, I'm happy about it too." Fay had to confess.

They were trying on different outfits she had ordered from a variety of fashion stores, and even if Misa had an open view about fashion, some of them were so absurd that they couldn't help but to laugh.

Fay suppressed her giggle, watching herself on a large mirror, wearing an outfit that resembled bodystocking. It was made of a weird, glittery see through material, and it revealed her every curve - and still managed to make her look everything but sexy.

"Come on, look at you!" Misa laughed. "You look like a sausage!"

"Gee, thanks!" Fay rolled her eyes, but could not help but to agree. Shaking her head, laughing, she began to undress.

It felt uncomfortable to do so, knowing that probably the whole task force was watching. But then again, there wasn't anything L hadn't seen before (as long as she kept her panties and her bra on), and for the rest of the men… well, Fay tried not to care. Though she was pretty sure that Matsuda was drooling all over the floor at the moment.

"Try that one on!" Misa encouraged, and threw something at her.

She picked it, and notice that this one looked a bit more like a cloth. It turned out to be a stylish, black dress, a very tight one, and it took a bit of squirming before she managed to get it on.

When she was finally done (Misa had helped her to zip up), she turned to take a look at the mirror - and for once she was speechless.

The little black dress looked like it was made for her. It clung to her every curve, and with a good way. The low neckline revealed her white bosom, the sharp line of her collarbones and her swan like neck. Her waist looked tiny, and her legs seemed to go on forever.

"Wow…!" she breathed, running her fingers through her red curls. "That actually looks pretty nice."

"Pretty nice?" Misa laughed. "It looks amazing! It's a good thing we're about the same size. You should totally keep that dress."

"Oh, I can't do that. These were sent for you, the cloth stores were practically competing who got to give stuff to you. They are all hoping you would be on their next campaign, or just seen walking on the street wearing some of this stuff."

But Misa just laughed, and waved her hand.

"Me wearing that sausage suit?"

"Yeah, well, maybe not that." Fay grinned. "But this dress would look amazing on you too."

"It's not my style." Misa shrugged. "Just keep it."

"You sure?"

"Sure. Consider it a small way of me saying thanks to you, for keeping me company. This would've been the most boring September ever, if it wasn't for you."

"Huh." Fay turned to look at the younger girl. "You're referring on the fact that you still don't get to meet Light without-"

"Without your boyfriend." Misa frowned.

"Come on, Misa. He's not my boyfriend."

But she couldn't hide the fact that she blushed. With a sigh she turned to look at the mirror again. The dress made her skin look whiter, her hair look like it was on fire, and her freckles stand out on her cheeks and nose. She wondered, what was L thinking, if he was watching her right now.

It had been some time since she had worn a dress like this. There was no point in dressing up for the task force - and like L, Fay felt she could think best when wearing something comfortable. So lately she had mainly worn jeans, hoodies, blouses and sweatpants. It felt weird to wear a dress, but she couldn't help but to admit, that it felt good too.

She had had a wardrobe full of beautiful dresses in her old life. In Paris, in her apartment that she had shared with Césaire. The bedroom had a view to the Arc de triomphe, and for many a night, she had sat on their bed, just staring at it, while he was sleeping.

She had loved Paris, and that apartment, and her dresses and her job at the university. She had loved the nights when he took her out, to dine and to dance, to concerts and art exhibitions, and to meet his intellectual, bohemian friends. She had loved her life with him.

But she hadn't loved Césaire.

With a sigh she turned her back at the mirror, and to her image that only brought her memories she didn't want to remember.

"Can you please unzip this, Misa?" she asked. "It's beautiful, but it's not really my style either."

"Oh, okay." Misa hopped onto her feet, and began to help her. "Suit yourself. But I would've just _died_ to see Ryuzaki's face, if he saw you wearing this thing!"

"Oh, come on. He always has the same face."

"Hah, he sure does!" Misa giggled. "Does he ever smile?"

"Not much." Fay admitted.

She slid off the dress, and having lost the will to try on any more, she searched her loose jeans and her simple T-shirt, and pulled them on, giving Misa a chance to go through the cloth piles instead.

But Misa's words had triggered memories, she couldn't shake off, and in a heartbeat they flash through her mind.

* * *

She is eight years old, and L is her whole world already. They are outside, on the back yard of Wammy's house, on the tennis court. She's just made a very weak attempt to hit the ball to him, but he isn't discouraged.

"Come on, Fay!" he shouts. "Hit harder!"

"It's not fair." she complains. "You were like _born_ with a racket in your hand. This is my first time playing tennis."

"Don't be afraid. I'll go easy on you."

And he smiles to her, through the court, feeding the ball to her with ease, with graceful moves that Fay loves to watch.

* * *

She is twelve years old. She wakes up in her bed, to the sound of birds in the garden. It's early morning, but she feels refreshed. The room is full of sunlight, and the scent of summer, and her heart feels light.

There is someone in the bed with her, his black hair spread on a halo around his pale face. They've slept side by side again, his fingertips are still touching hers, and when she moves, he wakes up too.

There are no black shadows under his eyes, as he opens them, and smiles.

"Good morning." Fay breaths.

He's so beautiful, he looks like a fairy, and feels like home.

"Is there any cake?" he asks, and sits up.

* * *

She is sixteen years old. They have just solved a case, a tricky one, with a serial killer in Madrid. She opens a bottle of Cava with a pop, laughs, and brings it to her lips. The bubbly, sparkly liquid tastes of adventure and freedom, and she knows the whole world is theirs for the taking.

They sit on the roof of the hotel, under the moon, and the night is warm. She feels the warm wind on her bare arms and legs, and it moves in L's hair on a way that makes her want to reach out and touch it, pull the strands behind his ear. She feels funny, high headed and hot in her tummy, and she's not sure if it's the wine or the sense of victory, or just the fact that it's night and they have secretly escaped their rooms.

"Don't drink too much, Fay." L says, with a hint of concern. "You are not used to that."

"Hah!" she laughs, and takes a gulp. "Don't patronize me, L. Have some!"

She offers the bottle to him, but he shakes his head.

"No, thank you. It affects my reasoning abilities too much."

"I know." she says. "I was just kidding."

And he glances at her, with a smile on his lips, with starlight in his dark eyes, and she feels like falling.

* * *

She was swept back to reality with the sound of her cell phone ringing. The memory of L's smile faded, as she picked up her phone and answered it. But his voice still sent shivers through her spine, even if it revealed no emotion.

"Fay. Come up here." he ordered, as if she was his servant.

"What is it, Ryuzaki?"

"I'ts about the new Kira. Will you come and help us, or do you want to try on some more clothes?"

He said it just like that, matter of factly, but his words made her heart jump.

Did this mean, he had actually noticed how she looked when changing? And why did she care? Did she really want for him to notice her for her looks, or rather for her brains?

"I'm coming." she stated, and shut the phone. "Sorry, Misa. Something's come up. I need to get going."

* * *

 **You've probably noticed that at the beginning of every chapter I tell the time, when the events take place. I follow the Manga timeline, that's on the deathnote wiki page, you can find it with google if you're interested. I try to make my story fit the canon, so if you spot any mistakes, please inform me. :)**

 **And please, please review! I always get so discouraged when I get no feedback. :( So tell me what you thought of this story!**


	6. Rain

**October 8th, 2004**

 **Matsuda went to Yotsuba, and L has just come up with a plan to save him.**

* * *

"That should do it." L said, rubbing his forehead. "Now, could everyone else please promise to follow my instructions and not do anything stupid?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki." said Mogi.

"Of course." said Chief Yagami.

"Sure." said Light.

"What!? It is _your_ fault that Matsuda went there in the first place, you stupid ass!" said Fay.

Not once had Fay used that tone with L in front of the task force, and it sure got everyone's attention. L turned in his chair, a bewildered look in his huge, dark eyes.

"What do you mean, it is my fault?"

"Everyone else here knows just what I mean." she stated, crossing her arms in front of him. "They're just too polite to say it to your face."

"Oh. You are upset that I have somehow hurt Matsuda-san's feelings, and that has caused him to act out irrationally." L had turned his attention back at the TV screens, now changing the view so that they showed Misa Amane's apartments.

Fay felt immediately uncomfortable. She wondered how often had the members of the task force sat here observing her conversations with Misa. And it had all been for nothing - the only thing she was certain about after spending a full month as Misa's friend and assistant, was that Misa Amane had no memories of being the second Kira.

She felt like a failure thinking about that, and quickly turned her attention back to L. It was easier to be mad at him, anyways.

"Why do you always have to be so mean to Matsu, huh?! Calling him an idiot or stupid, or-"

"I am not mean." L replied. "It is the truth. Matsuda-san is a little slow."

"No, he's not! Just because your brain works on turbo speed, doesn't mean that everyone else is an imbecile."

"I never said everyone else was." He stated with a cool tone. "You and Light, for example, are extremely capable."

"Don't try to change the subject!"

L turned to look at her again, and she felt that he saw right through her. She blushed, against her will.

"What is this sudden desire to talk about Matsuda-san?" he asked. "He got himself in a lot of trouble, and I _am_ doing my best to save his life."

"Well, that's the least you can do. He did this for you, dumb ass. He just wants for you to be proud of him."

L looked genuinely confused.

"For me? Why would he think that doing something incredibly stupid would make me proud?"

"Christ, you're so slow sometimes!" Fay rolled her eyes. "The way you were complimenting everybody before, praising the Chief and Light, telling that 'Mogi-san has always been surprisingly efficient'-"

"But that was all true. Shouldn't I have said it?"

"That's not it! You can blame yourself for what happened today. All it would've taken, was one, kind word to Matsuda, and he wouldn't have done this stupidity."

"Oh." L said, chewing his thumb. "That is interesting."

"What's interesting?"

"That you agree that his actions were a stupidity."

"Stop changing the subject!" Fay was steaming. "Can you ever admit that you've messed up? Is it impossible for you to say that you've wronged someone?"

"No, it is not. I know I have wronged _you_ , Fay. And I will say, that I am sorry."

She completely forgot what she had been about to say. She blinked a few times, before found her ability to speak again. Her heart skipped a few beats.

"You _will_ say that you're sorry?"

"Yes. I do not imagine that this is the best moment for that. You are angry, and we have to hurry if we are going to save that idiot Matsuda."

"Yeah, Matsu..." Fay breathed, and felt the worry for him in her guts again.

He had asked her to go with him to have a beer or a whisky, a few times now, 'Just as friends!', but she had always declined. Now she regretted that. If Matsuda died tonight… Fay felt sick to her bones.

There was no way she'd let that cute guy get killed just because L had the social skills of the Rain Man.

"I'm going to that party." Fay stated, and gathered her things. "I'd better get changed, if I'm going to pass as one of Misa's model friends."

"You cannot do that."

"What? You think I cannot pass as a model?" Fay felt angered again, and her cheeks blushed. So, he didn't think she was pretty after all. It sucked, that she cared, but she couldn't hide the fact that she did.

"That's not what I meant, Fay. I meant, that you should not go to that party. There is nothing to be gained by that, and it will just put you in an unnecessary danger."

"Just try to stop me!" she snapped. "Besides, there is no danger! Even if one of those slime bags is Kira, there is no reason he'll start killing people in a party. The only one he want's dead there is Matsuda, and the least we can do is to send someone there to make him feel better."

L stared at her silently for a few heartbeats, but then turned his gaze away.

"Fine. But we are shorthanded. I would rather have you play as an ambulance driver."

"Well, I guess you'll have to play a part too, now." Fay said. "I've always wondered how you'd look in a uniform, though."

That left L blinking a few times, and for once he didn't come up with a snappy response before Fay was out of the door. In her guts she was worried for Matsuda, but in her heart there was only one memory. Of L's eyes when he had said:

 _I know I have wronged you, Fay. And I will say, that I am sorry._

She knew exactly what he had been referring to.

* * *

She is nineteen years old.

She is standing in the hall of Wammy's house, a small suitcase in her feet. It's raining, and she doesn't want to go outside. Where she want's to go on this weather, is her bed, with L, under the sheets and blankets, all warm and fuzzy, holding his hand.

But she can never go there again. Or _she_ can, but it wouldn't be the same, since L won't. She's sure of it now. He hasn't come by to her room in months, not after-

 _Don't think about that_. The memory still brings tears to her eyes. _Just don't. Not now._

"The car's waiting for you, Fay." says the kind voice behind her, and she turns around.

"Thank you, Watari." Fay sighs, and walks closer to the old man. She tiptoes to give him an embrace, and for a short moment she feels like a kid again, when Watari's kind words and warm arms were actually able to comfort her.

"Are you sure you want to leave?" he asks, with a worried tone. "You can stay here, you know that. This is your home."

"I have no home." Fay says. "Not anymore."

Watari doesn't answer, but just gives a sigh. He knows why she's leaving, even if she hasn't told him. Fay lets go of him, and picks up her suitcase. For the last time she glances to the staircase that leads to the second floor, where their bedrooms are, but there is no sign of the one she'd wish to see.

 _He didn't even came to say goodbye._

 _But what did you expect? You're not kids anymore. This was bound to happen someday._

She walks to the door and steps outside. The rain hits her immediately, and even if the car is near, she opens an umbrella. She doesn't want to get soaked, it's enough that she already feels dead inside.

"Fay."

She's startled, and the umbrella falls from her hands. She doesn't pick it up, but let's the wind take it away.

The rain and wind blow right through her, her hair is glued to her head, to her face that drips water - but the only thing she sees is him.

He's soaking wet too, but it's like he doesn't even notice. The dark shadows under his eyes are as black as his hair, his white shirt clings to his upper body, revealing the shape of his shoulders and arms, his lean abdomen, and Fay wants nothing more than to feel it, to lay her hands on it.

"Don't go." he says, and she sees how difficult it is for him to say those words.

And she's right back there, in the memory that breaks her heart. She has to look away from him, to turn her eyes away from the black forest ponds that call her to drown in them.

"Why?" she asks, as if indifferent. "Why wouldn't I?"

But he doesn't answer. He's eating his thumb, looking miserable. The rain soaks his hair, and water drips from the black strands to his neck, to his shoulders. Fay feels shaking, her legs are trembling, her heart is racing, but she does her best to hide it all.

"I'm going." she says after a moment that feels like eternity. "You can write to me, you know."

But even as she walks to the car, and steps inside, she knows he won't.


	7. Whisky

**Hey, sorry for the long pause in updating! I was on a holiday in Rome, and I can swear that with every gelato and nutella bread, my thoughts were in L - but it was hard to find time to write!**

 **I hope you like this chapter, and please, please review.**

 **I'm also going to have to change the rating from T to M, for the steaminess... so make sure you follow this fic, for the M stories get hidden. :)**

* * *

 **October 8th, 2004**

 **Later that night.**

As soon as the mission was accomplished, L disappeared to his room, without so much as a word to Fay.

 _I wonder if he's still mad at me, for the argument._ Fay wondered to herself. _Or if he's just sulking because Matsuda messed up._

She wanted to follow him to his room, to make him tea and watch how he drank it from the precious china, holding the cup with such a delicate grip of his thin, long fingers. She wanted to eat cake with him, to listen him talk about anything or everything, or nothing at all. She graved to lay down on his bed, to smell his scent of the sheets, to take his hand, to feel those beautiful fingers entwining with hers. She wanted to whisper his name in the dark, to say to him "Sleep now, Lawliet. I'll watch out for you." And she'd stay awake 'til the first light of the morning, just watching his features, hearing his soft breathing, feeling how the darkness of the night gave in for the light, how the shadows moved in the corners of the room, and she wouldn't be afraid of a thing.

It would be as it had always been.

But nothing was as it had been. And this was nothing but a childish dream, Fay knew, and as he left, she did not follow him.

After all, she had her pride too.

"I know I have wronged you, Fay. And I will say, that I am sorry."

Yeah, right. She'd eat her shoe if that ever happened.

Besides - as long as L was handcuffed to Light, there was no way of her to try and get closer to him, anyways.

Frustrated by this endless loop of her thoughts, she turned her attention to Matsuda, who was still hanging around, looking a bit bewildered.

"Hey, Matsu." she said. Calling him that came effortlessly now days - they'd done enough shopping trips together, to become something like friends.

"Yeah?"

"You want to have that whisky now?" she suggested. "You look like it would do you good."

"Huh?" Matsuda gave a halfhearted smile, and ran his fingers through his thick, black hair. "I guess I am a bit shaken. I was sure I was going to die! If it hadn't been for Ryuzaki…"

"Mh." Fay shrugged. "He did come up with a plan to save you, rather quickly."

"Yeah, he always knows what to do. Unlike me."

"Come on, don't be like that. It was very brave of you, to go to Yotsuba. That was fast thinking." Fay said. "Now, let's go, I have some whisky in my room."

Chief Yagami and Mogi were still in the operations room too, and Matsuda glanced to their direction, but it seemed they were trying hard not to hear Matsuda and Fay's exchange of words - something Fay was actually grateful.

No matter how impolite it was, she was not going to invite those two to her room too.

"In your room?" Matsuda lowered his voice. "Wouldn't you want to go to that place just around the corner… the 'Beer & Whisky Yamaneko'? It's a nice place, a small one. I go there with Mogi sometimes, and Aizawa… before he quit."

"I can't go outside looking like this." Fay gave a sigh. She was still wearing the ridiculous model outfit Misa had borrowed her. It had thigh high stockings, the shortest mini skirt she had ever worn, and a tiny blouse that had a heart shaped boob window. She'd die before walking on the street wearing that thing. "I would have to go by my rooms to change anyways, besides, I think it would be safest if you stayd away from the streets for a while. What if the Yotsuba guys decided to go to that place for a drink? We cannot take that risk."

Matsuda looked embarrassed. "Right. I didn't think that far. Hey, you think I'll have to keep low profile for long?"

"Nah, just for tonight." Fay shrugged. "It's unlikely that they'd return to this neighbourhood on the days to come. But hey, that whisky?"

"Sure, sure." Matsuda said, and stood up. "I'd love to."

* * *

Fay had been given a private apartment on the operations building the day she had arrived. L had told her to pick the one she liked the most, but the only thing she cared, was that it was on the same floor as L and Light's rooms, so she had picked a simple, two room apartment with a view over Tokyo. She had a small kitchen, a livingroom with a TV and some couches, and a bedroom. Nothing extra, but everything she needed.

"You can sit down over there." Fay said, pointing towards the small table in the kitchen. "So, whisky or beer?"

She didn't like to advertise the fact too much, but she kept both beverages stocked in her room - in addition to her nice collection of European wines. Alcohol was her way to relax. L had his sweets, Fay had her bottles - though she did use them with moderation, something you couldn't say about L.

"So, which one is it? Or wine?" she asked, opening her fridge.

"Oh, I think whisky - if you have soda and ice?"

"Sure, just a second."

Fay made the whisky soda in no time, mixing the ingredients in a high glass with a stick.

"There you go, Matsuda-san." she bowed her head offering him the drink.

"Thank you." Matsuda said, bringing the drink to his lips, loosening his tie. "But please, no Matsuda-san. I thought we were past that already."

"Oh, sorry." Fay poured herself a glass of wine. "I guess I'm still on the Model-Fay mood."

"You did play that part nicely. I bet no one suspected a thing! And I was so happy to see your face there. I was so sure I was going to die!"

"Hey, that's why I came. I didn't want you to feel that you were alone." She made a small laugh. "You should be thankful, you know. It was a pain to kneel on the floor, offering drinks and let those slime bags drool all over me. I don't understand how Misa and the other girls can take that."

"I am thankful. And I am sorry that you had to do that." Matsuda looked embarrassed. "I do appreciate you being there, very much, and not for the outfit or the drinks, but because I think of you as a friend, and as someone I look up to. It might have been Ryuzaki who came up with the plan to save me, but it was you who came for me to that party."

Fay felt her cheeks blushing, and she had to look down.

She sipped on her wine, to hide her emotion. What was she blushing for, anyways?

"You know… I used to do a lot of these things when I was younger. I helped Ryuzaki in most of his investigations, and I did some spy work for him. I wore many different costumes." she shrugged. "But it always felt like a game, back then. I was never in any real danger, and neither was anyone I was fond of. This night was different. I was scared for you. It was the worst feeling, to watch you fooling around on the railing of the balcony. I was so sure you'd fall and that they wouldn't be able to catch you."

"Oh yeah, that was nerve wrecking!" he laughed. "It was a good thing though, that the Chief and Mogi were there with the mattress. Phew!"

"I swear, the moment you fell, and I ran to the balcony to see, I was so scared that it really was your body on the pavement. It was... " Fay had to pause for a second, and take a sip of her own glass. "Well, those were a long couple of minutes before I got the info that you were safe."

It was as if he just then noticed, that Fay had been serious.

"You were scared for me?"

"Yeah. I was."

He seemed genuinely surprised, which Fay thought was rather cute.

"Did you say… that you were fond of me?"

"Just as a friend, eh! Don't get any ideas." Fay laughed.

"Yeah, yeah - friends!" he assured with a smile, but his cheeks blushed. "I get that."

Fay looked up to his eyes, and they were very dark, their brown almost like dark chocolate, their pupils dilated. She felt a shiver in her spine, that had nothing to do with the wine she'd been having.

He had the most beautiful eyes, Fay thought. And the rest of him was easy on the eye too. Fay wondered how it would feel to feel those lips on hers, those hands on her hair, and-

 _Christ, what are you thinking!?_

She turned her eyes away from him, and stood up.

"Matsu." she said, not looking at him. "Maybe it would be best if you left."

"Oh…" he seemed surprised, but stood up too. "I'm sorry. Did I say something?"

"No, no. It's just…" Fay shrugged. "I'm really tired. I should get to bed."

"Oh, alright."

He looked so beaten, like a wet puppy, and Fay's heart skipped a beat. It was really hard to disappoint Matsuda, but really - what had she been thinking when inviting him to her kitchen?

She took his glass, that was almost empty by now, and placed it on the sink. But the kitchen was so small, and he was on his feet now too. There were barely few inches separating them, and suddenly she felt the scent of his aftershave - cedarwood and cypress.

It reminded her of Césaire, and suddenly an overwhelming weakness washed over her.

She missed him so much it hurt.

Maybe she hadn't loved him - but she had loved being with him. She had loved the way he had wrapped his hands around her and pulled her near, the way he had kissed her neck and whispered pretty things to her ear while his hands caressed her back.

And the sex had been good. Very good. No matter what Fay tried to tell herself, this celibacy thing suited her ill.

"Matsu." she breathed, and without thinking about it, she lay her hand on his arm, her touch light and gentle.

"Um… yeah?"

She heard the hoarse sound of his voice, felt the way he slightly shifted under her touch, nervous.

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Why do you ask?" he sounded almost scared. "Of course I do. I think you're very beautiful. And those clothes…"

He didn't have to finish that sentence. She had seen the way he looked at her in the party. The way they all had looked at her - all, except for L. She could dance in front of him, naked, and he still wouldn't notice.

Somehow that thought made her angry.

She looked at Matsuda through her lashes, with her perfect, emerald green cat eyes. It was a pleasure to see how he melted in front of her. How his cheeks blushed, when she let her fingers glide on his arm, to his shoulder. His chest was lean and hard to touch, and she couldn't deny the fact that she took pleasure in feeling him.

"Fay…" his whisper was nothing but a throaty sound, and she felt it all the way to her spine. "I thought-"

But she gripped his tie, and pulled him closer. He scented of whisky and salt, and aftershave, and her mouth watered.

"I want you to kiss me." she commanded - and his lips were on hers in a heartbeat.

Oh, Christ, it felt so good! She had missed feeling like this, so much that her knees went weak.

Matsuda's arms wrapped around Fay's slender form, his hands found the small of her back, and pulled her close, tight against his strong, lean chest. She let go of his tie, ran her fingers through his thick, black hair, to his neck. She couldn't stop the small sound of pure pleasure that escaped her lips, to his mouth, when his tongue gently opened her lips and entered her.

 _Wow, he's a good kisser!_ A thought flashed through her mind. But then he slid his hand to her frontside, to find her chest, and all conscious thoughts left her.

"Oh…!" she made a sharp gasp into the kiss, as he cupped her breast, and her nipples reacted instantly, turning hard under his touch. "Christ, Matsu-!"

Startled, he let go of her, and broke the kiss.

"I'm sorry, did I-?"

"No, please, it was good. Really good!"

He blushed, and smiled, and his lips were back on hers, and she felt how the sweet weakness left her breathless. He pushed her against the wall - no, against the fridge, the bottles clattered inside of it, but she didn't care. She let him took total control of the kiss. The hot, primitive need to be touched filled her veins, took her breath away, and she moaned softly as his cool fingers found her chest again, and this time began to caress her gently.

His breathing was fast now, and she felt his rapid heartbeat. His hands were eager on her, trying to feel the skin of her bosom through that damn boob window of her top, but the fake leather was like glued to her skin, and he couldn't get under it. Frustrated Fay squirmed under his touch, her nipples aching to feel his hands on them. His tongue found hers, and she felt high headed, breathless. Her fingers were on his tie, loosening the knot, and soon she could pull it off altogether.

Matsuda's lean abdomen pressed against hers, tight, pinning her between him and the fridge - and she clearly felt the hard, bulge in his pants. It took her breath away, and her mouth watered. She wanted to touch him, so bad, she wanted to feel his shaft on her palm, hear the throaty sounds he'd make when she'd grip him tight. She wanted to let him take her right here, right now, in her damn kitchen, her bare back against the cold plastic of the fridge.

She wanted it raw and desperate, and like there was no tomorrow.

"Matsu-!" she breathed into his mouth.

 _Lawliet!_ breathed her heart.

She gasped, and broke the kiss.

It all ran through her mind in a heartbeat.

* * *

She is eighteen years old.

They are in the bed.

It doesn't happen often now days. L is so wrapped up in all his investigations, that he doesn't even want to fall asleep. It would be a waste of time, he says. But Fay thinks there is more than that to it. Maybe it's that he's been depressed lately. Or maybe it's something else.

Maybe it's the way some of the other kids smirk when she exits his room in the morning. Or the rude remarks she has heard some of them make.

She doesn't care, but she knows L does. He doesn't like people talking behind Fay's back. He knows they've been calling her names and it makes him uncomfortable.

But now they are in his bed, and he's slept throughout the night. She's stayed awake most of it, for these nights are so rare now.

Now she feels like these moments are a treasure, something so valuable she doesn't want to lose one second. As a child she'd had thousands of these nights, but they have all passed, disappeared into the mist of the past, and all that's left is this one.

The way his eyelashes move on his white skin, when he's dreaming.

The soft sound of his breathing.

The way his fingers find hers, and even in his sleep he grips on her, like her presence brings him comfort.

She knows it does. She knows he only sleeps when she's with him. Without her, he's been known to stay awake for days.

But she wants more than that.

No, she _needs_ more than that. Something has changed in the way she looks at him, and in the way his touch makes her feel, and it's something she never thought she'd feel with him.

But it is there, nevertheless. It is like a presence in the room, a weird sensation in her veins, and she cannot drive it away.

She needs for him to wake up and touch her. She needs those pale lips on hers, those long fingers on her skin. She wants for the things, that the rest of the kids are whispering about her and L, to be true.

As if sensing her restlessness, he stretches his lean body, and wakes up. His saucer eyes are full of amazement when he looks at her.

"L…" she breathes.

Her heart is in her throat, and her cheeks are burning. She's so turned on by his closeness, that she feels like she's about to self combust.

"What is it?" he asks, and looks worried. He turns so, that he's even closer to her. She feels his warmth under the sheets, and it's almost too much to take. She wants him so much, more than she's ever wanted anything, and unable to stop herself she lays her trembling hand on his cheek, lets her fingers follow the delicate line of his jaw.

It is like touching heaven, and she feels like falling.

* * *

"I'm sorry!" Fay gasped, and pushed Matsuda away. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I can't do this…!"

He didn't want to stop, his hands gripped on her waist - but after a heartbeat he gave in. A desperate, throaty sound left his lips as he stepped back, and let go of her.

"I'm so sorry, Matsu." Fay stammered. "I… I just-"

"You don't need to be sorry." he answered, but his voice was thin and stretched. "It's fine."

But it wasn't fine.

She felt miserable seeing him like that - his chest still heaving with shallow breaths, his cheeks burning and in his dilated pupils the desperate need she had felt in his kisses.

Fay didn't dare to glance downwards. She didn't want to see the bulge in his pants, remember how it had felt on her, just seconds ago.

"You should go." she breathed, not meeting his eyes. "It really is late."

"Fay-"

"Please, just go." she interrupted. "Please. I want you out of here."

He looked like a puppy that's been hit, and Fay felt like a monster.

Without a word he picked up his tie from the floor, and walked away from her. Fay felt how her knees gave in, and she slid to the floor. Her back against the cold plastic of the fridge, she cried.

* * *

"Are you alone?" The question popped to her laptop screen not a minute later.

Fay stared at the screen, and blinked to drive away her tears.

She couldn't believe it. There was no way L's message right now was a coincidence.

"Seriously?" she typed. "You put surveillance cameras in my room?"

"No. In the hallway. Did Matsuda-san leave already?"

"I cannot believe you! You are stalking me!"

"It is for your safety, Fay."

She took a deep breath, to calm down. She felt so humiliated, thinking that L had been watching her door. There was no way he hadn't guessed what she'd been doing with Matsu.

"I can take care of myself." she wrote after a while. "Can you please stop spying on me?"

It took a long while before L answered,

"I was not spying on you. I have surveillance in every hallway in this building, and I am sure you knew that. I only kept an eye on your door now, to know when Matsuda-san leaves. I needed to talk to you."

 _He needed to talk to her._

The memory of the night, the last night, was still fresh on her mind. Her heart felt heavy and sticky with hope and fear, and she had to stop for a while to be able to write an answer.

"So Light asleep yet?"

"No. He's taking a shower."

"Christ. Do I want to know how that works?"

"The chain is rather long. And I am typing with my left hand only."

Fay rolled her eyes to that mental image.

"Right. Trying hard not to picture that."

"Fay. I wanted to apologize."

Her heart jumped.

"For what?"

A long pause.

"For not writing to you."

"Okay." Fay answered. "I didn't think you would. Something else?"

"I know it was my fault you left."

A very long silence. And then another note.

"I am sorry."

Tears filled her eyes.

 _He was sorry._

Did this mean that he regretted what had happened then? Or more likely, what had not happened? Did this mean there was hope that now-

But her thoughts were interrupted as another message from L appeared into her screen.

"Light-kun is almost finished with his shower. I must go now."

"Wait!"

Her hands were shaking.

"There's nothing between Matsuda and me." she typed fast. "I just wanted you to know that."

"He left your room with his tie in his hand. You like him, and it is good. I wish that for you. Matsuda is a good man, even if he is an idiot. He could make you happy."

"I sent him away. I don't want him. I want you."

But he didn't answer. The screen stayed empty, and Fay felt more alone than she ever had in her life.


	8. Coffee

**I've been so depressed lately, and writing's been hard. I hope you like this little chapter, and if you do, please let me now.**

* * *

 **October 9th, 2004**

"Can you keep a secret?" Fay asked, glancing sideways at Misa who was walking by her side. They were on a shopping tour, walking on a crowded street near the Sunshine City at Ikebukuro. L had no problem letting Misa go out, if someone was there with her - and Fay had no problem going out with Misa.

It had been ages since she'd had a girlfriend, anyways.

Or more likely - she had _never_ had a girlfriend. The only friend she'd ever had was L - and he sure was no girl.

But Misa laughed and clapped her hands in excitement.

"Oh, sure!" she exclaimed. "Misa is very good at keeping secrets."

 _I bet you are,_ a thought flashed through Fay's mind. _If you're the second Kira, all you do is keep secrets._

"I might have kissed with Matsu last night." she confessed.

"Whaaat?!" Misa shrieked. "You mean my manager Matsui? The old creep Matsui?"

"He's not that old!" Fay protested. "He's only a couple of years older than I am."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot that you're older than me. You look so young! What is the secret of your skin, anyways?"

"Lots of whisky and sleepless nights?" Fay suggested. "Too much work and no fun? But hey, you're changing the subject."

"Mh. Maybe I don't want to think about you and that guy kissing. Even if he's not old, he's still a creep."

Fay felt offended. Yeah, it had been a mistake to make out with Matsuda, but still!

"I don't think so." she snapped. "I think he's very cute."

"Cute?" Misa eyed her as if she was nuts. "Really? But hey, you have a weird taste in men. First I thought you had the hots for Ryuzaki… and now Matsu?"

"I can't really help it, can I?"

"You could try." Misa grinned helpfully. "And Misa can help you with it - I have the most handsome and amazing boyfriend in the whole world. Light is perfect. I'm sure I could find someone like that for you too. You know, I am famous. I know a lot of cute guys."

"Umm, thanks but no thanks." Fay made a small laugh. "I think it would be best if I stayed single for awhile. You know, it's not that long ago that I left my boyfriend."

"Oh? You had a boyfriend?"

"Yeah. In France, I used to live there."

Fay turned her attention to a shop window, displaying an insane variety of Hello Kitty items. Wow, she'd had no idea they made Hello Kitty underwear and matching slippers for adults. For a moment she wondered if Césaire would've appreciated her wearing those - but the memory only brought her pain. She pushed his image deep into the furthest corner of her mind, and stuffed her hands deep into the pockets of her comfy jeans.

"Really?" Misa's voice was full of amazement. "A French boyfriend?"

"Yeah."

"Was he very handsome?"

Fay felt uncomfortable. She really didn't want to think about Césair's hazelnut eyes or his wavy hair, or the way he had looked in their kitchen the last time she had seen him - standing barefoot by the stove, wearing a funny apron, cooking dinner for her.

"I guess he was." Fay finally answered. An understatement of the year. "But I don't really want to talk about him. I wanted a girl's opinion on what I should do about Matsu."

"So… You like him, then." Misa said answered with a question. "Is that why you have been playing as my assistant lately? Why you've come with Matsui and me to all the filming days and such?"

Fay made a face.

She had indeed been spending a lot of time with Matsuda and Misa, on Misa's acting and model gigs, trying to tell herself that it was all just because L had asked her to keep an eye on her, but that wasn't the whole truth.

But it hadn't been just because of Matsuda either.

It was the fact, that spending time in the operations room, going through the endless piles of documents, or hours of security camera footage, wasn't a piece of cake. Going out with Misa and Matsuda for a photo shoot, felt like a vacation, compared to that.

Besides, this case was nothing like the ones she had solved with L when they had been young.

The worst thing was, that she had to share him with other people all the time.

It wasn't like it had been before - when it had just been him and her, and the rest of the world had been just a game on the computer screen. They had talked about the cases back then, talked about everything. He had gone over his reasoning with her, mirroring his ideas, listening to her intuition. They had shared _everything._ back then.

And now?

Now… L couldn't share a thing with her. Not as long as he was handcuffed to Light.

Or rather, Kira.

The more Fay thought about it, the more she was sure that Light was Kira.

And for the first time ever, she was scared.

She knew that L thought there was a high possibility that Kira might win, and it scared the wits out of her. If Kira won - that would mean a world without L, and that was something Fay could not take.

 _Don't be absurd._ She shook the idea off her head _. It won't come to that. L always wins!_

"So, are you going to tell me what happened between you and Matsu?"

Misa's cheerful voice brought Fay back to reality. She force herself to smile, to start walking again. They left the window of Hello Kitty store, and headed towards the entrance of Sunshine City.

"You want to hear details? I thought you called him a creep."

"Call me curious." Misa laughed. "Or a romantic. I love love stories, even if it is with Matsui."

"Yeah, I've noticed." Fay smiled. "So, how did you meet Light, anyways? Did you fall in love with him just like that?"

"Oh, I did. It was like a fairytale. I just saw him, and I knew - I knew he was the one for Misa."

"Really? Just like that?"

"Yes. When it's true love, you know it." Misa nodded, her eyes shining. "There hasn't been anyone else for me since that day."

"Where did it happen?"

"What does it matter?" She snapped. "Ryuzaki keeps asking me that same thing. Don't tell me he sent you to do his dirty work! I've told him a million times that I first met Light in Aoyama, and that I fell in love with him instantly. And that's all there is to it."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry." Fay apologized. "I'm just really curious too. I've never been in love like that, I guess."

Her heart ached, as the lie left her lips, though there was a hint of true in that lie as well. She had never fallen in love like Misa with Light, since she couldn't tell which was the moment she had fallen for L.

She had _always_ loved him.

Since that first night under the dining room table, in Wammy's house, she had loved him.

But when had it turned romantic, she wasn't sure.

Maybe it had been that night on the rooftop in Madrid, when he had looked at her with starlight in his eyes. Or maybe even before, when she had been 14 and fell off a horse and broken her arm. L had stayed with her in the hospital throughout the operation, and the following nights - not once closing his eyes.

She would always remember how huge his saucer eyes had looked when she woke up after the operation. Huge and filled with worry.

That memory made her cheeks blush, and her heart skip a beat.

"Whaat?" Misa exclaimed, misunderstanding her meaning. "You've never been in love? Geeh, no wonder you made out with Matsui - you don't know any better."

Fay glanced at Misa, hiding her emotion.

"Seriously, Misa. If you want to hear any details about our kiss, you're going to have to stop bashing him."

"Sorry." Misa grinned. "Details, definitely. Come on, let's be real friends and have a coffee, while we compare our boyfriends!"

"He's not my boyfriend, you know." Fay shrugged, but followed as Misa grabbed her arm and led her to a small coffee house inside the mall.

And even if Misa didn't have that much advice to give her, it just felt really nice sit down, have a coffee and chat about issues of the heart with another girl. It was something she had never done before. When they finally headed back home, Fay was sure about two things.

First - she would really have to stop kissing other guys, as long as she was in love with L.

And second - she should really, really apologize to Matsu.


	9. Pasta ai Funghi

**A little chapter about Fay's past. It's time that you know something about her.**

 **Please, if you read, review.**

* * *

She is 23 years old.

In the kitchen of her perfect, little apartment in Paris, she is sitting on a barstool and admiring the wonder that is her boyfriend, Césaire.

He's standing by the stove, wearing a pair of comfy, worn jeans and a fitting light blue T-shirt. Over them he has a funny apron, turning his frontside into a one of a nude statue - a present she has bought for him on a mini vacation in Rome last summer.

Césaire is a dreamy looking guy. He is tall and lean, with a body of a male model and a face of an angel. His auburn hair is wavy and falls to his ears and forehead on a way that calls for Fay's fingers to brush it behind his ear. Fay loves the way he doesn't shave his face on weekends - the stubble makes him look ragged and hot. It's a real pleasure to feel it on her skin when they make love.

Sometimes Fay can't help but to wonder how on Earth a guy like that has fallen for her. She knows there's nothing special about her - or at least about the girl she pretends to be.

It's almost dinnertime, and he's making pasta ai funghi, Fay's favorite. He is like that. He loves pampering her, and one thing that Fay really loves about living with him, is the fact that she never, ever has to cook. She's already opened a bottle of Cava, though, and they are both sipping on it while he prepares the dinner, she watches him and they chat about their life, her work at the university, and the movies they have gone to see together.

Everything is perfectly normal. So normal, and so unbearably happy, that sometimes on days like this, Fay feels like she's suffocating.

On days like these, every little detail reminds her of L.

Like the way Césaire walks barefoot in the kitchen.

Or the way the wine tastes on her lips, the same as on the rooftop in Madrid so many years ago.

She looks at her boyfriend, feeling a pang of guilt in her heart, and takes another gulp of the wine. She knows all too well, that it isn't fair to him, that she still thinks about L.

But then again, what can she do about it? She can't just turn love off, like blowing off the candle flame. Her life is an ocean of secrets as it is, and her love for L is just the peak of the iceberg.

"Want to taste?" Césaire asks, and offers her a fork with a few spaghetti strings and a piece of porcino. "Enough salt? Not too much, I hope."

He speaks French with her - another thing about him, that makes her weak on the knees. She smiles, and opens her mouth so that he can feed her the small portion, and as always, the food is perfect.

Everything about him is so perfect, that it's almost scary.

"It's delicious." Fay says, and hops off the barstool.

"So, you want to set the table?"

"Sure." she replies, and gives him a quick kiss, brushing his lips with hers, before taking two plates from the cupboard, and lighting the candle on the table.

And just then her mobile phone rings. It's in her pocket, and she digs it out, but it's a number she doesn't recognise.

"Don't answer that." Césaire says, glancing at her. He's already setting the food on the plates.

"It might be work." Fay answers. "I'll be real quick, I promise."

"Fleur, please."

But she's already picked up, and walks out of the kitchen.

"Fleur la Liberté." She says, and closes the bedroom door behind her.

A short silence on the other end.

"Is it Fay?" a male voice asks after a few heartbeats. "Or should I say... Felicity Penrose?"

Fay feels how her heart jumps, and gets stuck to her throat. There are only two people in the world who know her real name. The one her mother used to call her, when she was still a real person, and not just a shadow.

"Watari." she breaths. "Yeah… it is me."

"It's good to hear your voice, Fay. We have missed you at Wammy's house."

"Have you?" she asks, a bit more pointedly than necessary.

"Yes. You were one of my first children. It has not been the same without you."

Fay doesn't answer. What can she say? Apologize that she left? Never. And she can't lie that she's missed Wammy's house either. She hasn't, not really. The only things she has missed have been L and Watari.

"Is everything alright?" she asks, after a few seconds.

"Yes, everything is quite well. The house is very full now, and some of the kids show exceptional promise."

"You mean Near and Mello?"

"Among others, yes. Near tells me, you have been writing him."

Fay makes a small laugh. "Yes, I have sent him some postcards. He was a nice kid, I miss him sometimes."

"You can come and see him anytime, Fay. As I said, Wammy's house is still your home."

"And as I said, I have no home. It has been four years, Watari. Why are you calling me now? It is not just to tell me that I could visit, right?"

He is silent for a few heartbeats again, and Fay listens to the background noises. The line is bad - there's no way he's calling from England. She's guessing he's on another continent.

"Yes… you are right." Watari finally admits. "I do have a request for you."

"A request?"

"It is about L. He needs your help."

And that's all it takes. That one letter, to take her breath away.

* * *

She is stuffing things into a large leather bag.

Some clean underwear, a few bundles of socks. Jeans, T-shirts. Simple clothes for travelling and working. No dresses. No high heals. No jewelry, no makeup, not one of the fancy dresses Césaire has bought her, or the lace lingerie she's worn for him. It's not like she really needs them, besides they would only remind her of her life with him, and that's the last thing she wants.

"What… what are you doing?!"

Césairs shocked voice startles her, and she turns around to face him. He's standing on the bedroom doorway, still holding the pasta ladle in his hand.

"I'm leaving."

"You… you are leaving?" He stammers. "Where?"

"It's not important where." Fay replies. "I am leaving you."

The pasta ladle falls to the floor, and all blood leaves Césairs face. He looks like he's been hit, but Fay feels oddly emotionless. It's like she's watching herself from somewhere, far far away. Like watching a movie. The decision has already been made, and the only thing that is left, is following it through.

If something, she feels excited. Her heartbeat is fast like the wings of a hummingbird.

"But Fleur…" he says, and he has to grab the doorframe to stay on his feet. "I don't understand. I…. Who was it on the phone? What's happened?"

"Nothing's happened. I just have to go. I am sorry." she turns her back to him, and continues packing.

But even if she knows, she has to do this, her hands are shaking. It takes a long time to fold her jeans and stuff them into the bag.

"You're sorry?" Césaire exhales, and suddenly he sounds angry. "That's all you got to say? What the Hell! If you're going to leave me, I deserve to know why! Is it someone else?"

What can she say? His question is an accusation, and it brings a foul taste to her lips.

"Yes." she breathes. "I'm in love with someone else."

And he's right beside her, dragging the bag from her hands so that it hurts. She lets go of it, and her clothes fall to the floor, her underwear and her hairbrush to the bed. He looks ridiculous in his apron now, his hair falling to his forehead, ridiculous and so beautiful that it breaks Fay's heart.

"Stop that packing for fucks sake!" he shouts.

"Fine, as you wish."

It doesn't matter anyways. She can buy new clothes from the airport, and a bag too. The only thing she needs, is a passport, and that's already in her purse - the one with her current name.

"Tell me - who is it?" Césairs voice is shaking with anger, and his eyes are burning. "Who is the guy, and how long have you been sleeping with him behind my back?"

"We are not sleeping together. It's not like that."

"Why should I believe you?!"

"I don't care if you believe me or not." Fay says, and for the first time she meets his eyes. "It makes no difference to me."

He freezes, like her words cause him physical pain. It gives her the opportunity she has hoped for - she walks past him out of the room, all the way to the front door of their apartment. She slips on her Converses, and grabs her purse that's hanging on a hook nearby the door.

But he has followed her, and he is crying now.

It is the first time she sees him like this, tears falling to his cheeks, and it feels like a dagger inside of her heart. She can't bear to watch it, and she turns her eyes away from him.

"Fleur-"

"It's not my real name." she says. "Nothing about me is real. It's better if you accept it now, that I have only used you. It was never real."

"Did you ever love me?" he breathes.

"No. I'm sorry, but I didn't."

And with that she walks out of the door. She doesn't let herself cry, not before she's out on the street and she sees the Arc de Triomphe for the last time.


	10. Sushi

**When I started writing this story, it was supposed to be a simple L story. But now I can't stop writing about Matsuda! No wonder Fay is confused.**

 **Thank you Philosofox for your constant support - it means the world to me.**

* * *

 **October 15th**

Fay had made a mental note to apologize to Matsuda, but it took a full week before she had a chance to do so.

After all - it was surprisingly difficult to find time for a personal conversation, while engaged into a murder investigation. _No wonder Sherlock Holmes never married_ , Fay thought.

And like that wasn't enough of an obstacle, there was the fact, that Fay now knew L had put surveillance in every hallway. Where was she supposed to talk with Matsuda without being seen or heard? The last thing she wanted, was L eavesdropping on her conversations with Matsu - but there was no way, she would invite him to her rooms again either. That would lead to no good, she knew.

As it was all but impossible to find a way to talk privately with Matsuda, for the next week Fay managed to play Watson to L's Sherlock, and busied herself with doing all the little things that she knew 'helped him think' - like making him tea, bringing him candies and filling his sugar bowl. But those tasks hardly kept her ADHD brain busy, so she took the liberty of following Tokyo stock market (trying to find plummeting companies, that could have been targeted by Yotsuba Kira), going through every single surveillance video they had of Yotsuba office or Misa's party, and chatting with Wedy about the ways she was going to infiltrate Yotsuba security and bug the meeting room before next friday.

That was why she was here, after all. To help L solve this case - not to hook up with yet another guy who was not him.

"Why did you hire Wedy and Aiber?" Fay asked, not turning her eyes off the screen she was looking at.

"Mmmh." L muffled with his mouth full of chocolate chip cookie.

"Take your time."

She glanced at L, as he licked the crumbles off his tall, thin fingers, and a primitive need to feel that tongue on her skin, flashed through her core. She had to look away, to be able to keep her balance.

"We are shorthanded, especially after Aizawa left and Matsuda messed up so, that Mogi had to take his role as Misa's manager." L answered, apparently unaware of Fay's inner torment. "We needed help, and those two are the best at what they do."

"I am a bit offended, you know." Fay said. She lifted her feet to the table and leaned back in her chair.

"Oh." L turned his panda eyes to her. "Why?"

"For you letting that conman pose as Eraldo Coil. You know, that used to be my job."

"Hmm, yes." L stated. "I can see what you mean. But it was not my idea that Aiber would pretend to be Coil. He came up with that by himself."

"Still. You should've sent me to do that job. You know, I used to do those kind of things all the time for you."

"I know. But this is different."

"How come this is different? I never messed up as Coil, did I?"

"It is not that Fay." L said, and frowned. He organized the sugarcubes in the plate into a pyramid. "But you have been out of the business for years. I needed someone who was ready now, someone with experience, someone I have worked with recently."

Everything he said, was true, but still it hurt to heard his words. Especially because Light was listening in to everything they spoke.

Fay glanced at Light Yagami, who was buried in a huge pile of documents, trying to find out what ever he could about the eight Yotsuba suspects. For the thousandth time Fay wondered if anyone could be this good at putting on an act.

"Hey Light." she said.

"Yes?" the young man looked up from his papers. "What is it?"

"If you had to make a guess, who'd you say is the Yotsuba Kira?"

"I don't like guesses. I would much rather wait until tonight's meeting is over. By then we should know a lot more, than we do now."

Fay rolled her eyes.

To be honest, she didn't like Light a bit. He was arrogant, obnoxious and boring. It would've been torture to be handcuffed to him 24/7 - no wonder L seemed depressed these days. Maybe it wasn't the Kira case - maybe it was a Light overdose.

"Well, I bet my ass it's Higuchi." she said.

"How so?" asked L, turning his eyes to Fay.

Damn, his gaze was observant! It always made her feel like he saw right through her.

She tried to look indifferent as she shrugged.

"I dunno. Just look at that dude's face - there's no way he's a good guy."

"There is a difference between not being a good guy, and being a mass murderer." noted Light dryly. "We cannot go judging people based on their face."

"Loosen up, Light. I'm not going to execute him just for his looks. Just call it a hunch."

"Hmm." said L, picking up a sugar cube from his plate, and eating it. "I must say that I'm with Light in this one, Fay."

"Oh, come on." Fay sighed. "There was a time when you trusted my hunches."

"Yes, there was."

Another sugar cube disappeared into his mouth.

Fay followed the movement of his delicate, long fingers as he picked up yet a third one. She waited for him to say something more, but he didn't. The only sound in the room was the crunching of sugar, and Light flipping the pages of his document pile.

Fay had to turn her eyes back to the screen, that was playing video of Misa's fake party from last friday, to not stare at L.

It was in the air, even if he didn't say it.

That he didn't trust her anymore.

That even if he had apologized, even if he had admitted that it had been his fault she had left, her leaving had nevertheless broken something between them.

Or maybe it wasn't the fact, that she had left.

Maybe it was, that she had fallen for him, and with her love ruined everything between them.

Fay was painfully aware, that L had not answered anything to her last email, the one saying "I don't want him. I want you." Not a word. She knew, it could only mean one thing - her love for him was still unrequited. The silence between them was like a monster eating her alive, cutting through her heart and making her bones ache.

She missed like hell the time when they had been able to talk about everything.

She wished she'd never fallen in love with him.

"Fine." she snapped, and stood up. "But it still is Higuchi - you'll see."

"Where are you going?" asked Light, looking up from his papers.

"To get lunch." Fay stated. "With Misa - at least she thinks I'm fun."

"I think you're fun." said L. "I've always thought so."

But he didn't turn his eyes from the screen he'd been watching, and Fay didn't even glance at his direction when walking out of the room.

 _Damn, this is pointless!_

 _You were a fool to come here._

* * *

After an half an hour walk,Fay felt somewhat better.

 _First things first,_ she thought. _Catch that damn Kira, get L off those handcuffs - and_ _ **then**_ _you can talk._

She had picked up some fresh, and frankly, quite excellent sushi from a nearby restaurant. It was meant for Misa (they had lunch together most days now), but waiting for the elevator in the lobby, she ran into Matsuda.

For an awkward second or two they just stared at eachother, and Matsuda's cheeks blushed.

Fay blinked a few times, to regain her balance.

 _Since when did hunting serial killers became this much of a soap opera? Stay focused, damn it! Less guys - more work._

"Lunch?" she asked, showing him the bag she was carrying.

"Huh?" Matsuda seemed confused. "You want to have lunch with me?"

"Yeah. I think we should talk."

"Oh." He ran his fingers through his hair. "And I thought you were avoiding me."

"I have."

"Oh."

"You say that a lot." Fay smiled. "It's sweet."

Matsuda laughed, and somehow the atmosphere seemed to relax. There was something so likable in his smile, that Fay just couldn't help but to feel at home with him.

"Thanks - I guess." he said. "So, what do you got in there?"

"Sushi - Japan's greatest gift to the mankind. We could go to the rooftop - did you know there is a terrace there?"

"A rooftop terrace? Wow, this place really is like a hotel."

"Yes. And we don't even have to pay for it." Fay grinned, and stepped into the elevator.

* * *

The weather was perfect for a picnic - still warm, but the unbearable heat of the summer had passed. The view from the rooftop was spectacular, and for a moment Fay and Matsuda just sat silently admiring it.

 _I wonder if L has surveillance here._ A thought flashed through her mind. _Or if he's ever even been here. I wonder if he remembers the rooftop in Madrid too, like I do._

She had to shook her head, to drive the memory out.

This was a different rooftop. Another city. And another guy.

She glanced sideways at Matsuda, who was opening his lunch box. The warm wind of Tokyo was in his hair, made it fly around his face, but Fay made no move to tame it.

"Matsu, I asked you here to apologize to you." she said, after the silence had go on for quite long enough.

He seemed surprised, turning to look at her.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I acted like a fool, giving you these mixed signals… I asked you to kiss me, and when you did, I threw you out. That was really rude of me, and I am sorry."

"There's no need to be sorry, Fay." he said, but his cheeks were burning. "If you didn't like it-"

"No, that's just the point. I _did_ like it. A lot. It was a very good kiss."

"Oh? Then why-?"

Fay looked down. Her sushi box was still unopened, and her nervous fingers played with the chopsticks, turning them around and around.

"Because this can't go anywhere, and it would be wrong of me to encourage you to think so."

Matsuda was silent for a while, staring at his sushi.

"Because you love L." he finally said.

"Yeah."

"I can see why. You love him, I mean. He is incredible, he really is. Coming up with a plan to save me like that… and the other stuff too. I know he can catch Kira too. If anyone can do it, it's him."

"He's also a total jerk sometimes."

Matsuda laughed. "True."

"But I can't help it. I've loved him since I was a kid. It's not fair to anyone, for me to kiss other guys while things are like this."

"Yeah… I get it."

"Matsu." Fay said silently after a while. "I am sorry. Please, forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. If you don't feel that way about me, it's fine. I get it. You can't force these things."

He smiled at her, and the smile was so pure and kind, that it cut right through Fay's heart.

"I wish that… I guess I'm trying to say that I wish we could be friends. I really like you."

"Friends?"

"Yes. I totally understand if you don't want to, though." Fay blushed. "I know I've been a bitch."

"Oh. I thought that's what we were."

She blinked a few times. "What? Bitches?"

"No - friends." Matsuda laughed. "I like you too, you know."

"I know." Fay said, and answered his smile. "Could you please pass me that wasabi?"

"Sure."

For a moment Tokyo bathed in golden sunlight, the rays brushing off the clouds that tried to turn the world grey. And Fay felt the same happiness that she had felt with Césaire, when laying on her bed and watching the Arc de Triomphe that was painted with the evening lights - the kind of happiness she could get used to, but that would never really satisfy her.

It was the happiness of a caged bird.

She had spent enough years in that cage, to be lured back into it.


	11. Evening tea

**I've had a lot of new readers the past few days - thank you all so much! It makes me so very happy, to see how many people around the world are reading this fic. But it would make me even happier, if you'd take the time to write a review. :) Thanks!**

* * *

 **October 24, 2004**

They were in the headquarters. Misa had just returned from her interview at the Yotsuba group, which had apparently gone very well, as she kept on gloating over it. Especially Matsuda couldn't stop admiring Misa's performance - which Fay found a bit annoying.

But Misa was surprisingly efficient, and Fay had to admit that she was a good actor too.

 _Well, she'd have to be, to be able to hide her past as the second Kira, wouldn't she?_

Still, Fay found it hard to believe that someone as cute and innocent looking as Misa Amane could be an evil mass murderer. Someone Fay had already began to think as a friend.

This case indeed was a tricky one, and even if Fay had boasted about her 'hunch' always being right, she had to admit that she had no 'hunch' whatsoever when it came to Misa. She knew very well, she had failed in trying to get something out of her during these past months. There was absolutely nothing she could tell L about Misa, and it just kept nagging at her.

She felt useless.

 _L was right, when he said you'd been out of business for too long._

With this thought in her mind, Fay glanced at L, who was crouching in his chair, seemingly paying no attention to the other people in the room. But Fay knew he was listening in. She knew it from the way his eyes stared at the emptiness, the way his fingers kept organizing the sugar cubes on a plate before him.

"Well, I'm tired and need to get up early tomorrow." Misa was saying to Light. "Good night."

"Good night." Light replied.

"Sleep well, Misa." Fay said. "We'll see in the morning."

"Yeah - you too!" Misa smiled, and with a wave she walked out of the room. Fay noticed how Light didn't even bother to follow Misa with his gaze - something Fay found odd. Misa was a cutie, and she sure had all the other guys wrapped around her finger.

The relationship between those two was a weird one. But then again, who was she to judge?

Fay turned to look at L, who was still playing with the sugar cubes, and a mix of frustration and love flashed through her.

"You know, Ryuzaki." Fay said. "I think I should go too. It has been a long day."

"Yes, perhaps you should." he replied. "You always needed a lot of sleep."

 _That's only because I stayed awake half the night watching your sleep,_ she thought - but was interrupted by Misa's cheerful voice from the hallway.

"Light?"

"Yeah?" Light replied.

"You want to come to bed with me?"

Both Fay and L turned their eyes to Light - who momentarily seemed to have lost his cool.

"What are you talking about, Misa..?" he stammered, his cheeks blushing.

"I know, we're saving that until after you catch Kira." Misa giggled, and disappeared from the doorway. "Don't be so shy, Light."

Fay couldn't help but to laugh, but L seemed unaffected.

"Yes. Don't be so shy, Light-kun." he noted, and sipped of his tea.

"I'm not." Light snapped.

"No need to be so serious either."

Fay had to bite her lip, not to laugh out loud. Light's face was indeed so serious, it was obvious he was hiding an emotion - but which one, Fay couldn't say. And L's face… well, Fay couldn't read him either.

"Ryuzaki, I'm going to bed." she said, and stood up from her chair. "Why don't you take off those handcuffs for one night, let Light go with Misa, and come to bed with me?"

L put down the tea cup, and turned his huge panda-eyes to her.

Fay noticed how the cup clattered on the plate, as if L's hand had been trembling slightly.

"I thought we agreed not to sleep together anymore, Fay."

"You agreed." Fay noted. "I didn't."

He blinked. His dark rimmed eyes were so big, their dark pupils seemed to completely fill the irises.

"I think we should not have this discussion now."

What was that - a hint of panic in his voice?

"And I think you should ditch Light, and come to bed with me."

"Fay, I-" he began. His voice was thin and strained, and it cut right through her heart.

Fay knew how much he hated it, when she spoke about her feelings.

He had _always_ hated it.

And suddenly she remembered, how he had pulled away from her in the bed, jumped off and left her alone between the sheets that morning. When she had told him.

 _Emotions, they just ruin everything. They ruined the things between you two. Had you never told him how you felt-_

Fay inhaled sharply. That memory was still too raw, too painful, and it brought tears to her eyes.

"Fine." Fay turned away, bent to pick up her bag from the floor, to hide her eyes from him. "I was just kidding, you know."

"If you say so." L stated. "I am not good with jokes."

"Apparently, neither am I."

Fay gathered her things and walked towards the door. It was a damn good thing, she had a bottle of wine waiting for her in the fridge.


	12. Blood

**Thank you so much for the lovely reviews!**

 **Instantly I felt motivated to keep on writing! I hope you like this chapter, and please let me know if you did. :)**

* * *

 **October 28, 2004**

Fay stood silently, leaning her back against the wall.

She felt tense like a string, her whole body stirring with adrenaline, and it was so hard not to move, not to do something, that she felt like bursting.

 _Blame yourself,_ she thought. _You could be following Higuchi in a helicopter this very moment, and you chose to be here._

She turned her gaze into Matsuda, and she couldn't help it - a wave of warmth flashed through her chest, like a ray of sunshine on the darkest day. He was so damn brave that it took her breath away. Brave, or incredibly stupid, or both, but Fay didn't really care to make up her mind. She remembered the look on Matsuda's face, when he had realized he'd have to be in a live TV-show to catch Higuchi- and yet it had taken him less than a heartbeat, to agree to the plan.

"I'm coming with you." Fay had said instantly. "There's no way you're going there alone."

L had glanced at her, frowning, and Fay had known he didn't approve. But to Hell with his approval - it wasn't like she needed his permission to help Matsuda.

Besides, Fay thought again, there was no way L would have let her into the helicopter either. Most likely he would've just cuffed her into a chair beside Misa, just to keep her out of the way.

Or to keep her safe.

It was hard to know, with L.

Fay checked her phone, for what felt like a 100th time, but there was nothing new. She felt a pang of worry in her heart, it tasted like blood on her lips. Why, oh why had she chosen to be here? Why didn't someone call her already?

 _What's going on?_ _Where's Higuchi?_

Fay sent the text to Watari, knowing very well that L couldn't answer, if he was piloting the helicopter at the moment.

 _Heading towards Sakura TV. Stay safe, Fay._ The answer came almost immediately.

 _ETA?_ Fay sent.

 _5 minutes._

Fay closed her Nokia flip phone, and glanced at Matsuda. The interview was still going on, in a small conference room on the 8th floor of Sakura's building, far away from the main studio. No matter how nerve-wrecking it had been, to listen to the show, Fay had to admit, that the interviewer was superb at his job. There was no way she would've been able to keep on asking the same questions over and over again for almost three hours, and still keep it interesting!

Matsuda was sweating, and he looked pale, but otherwise he seemed to be okay. Fay showed him the thumbs up, before exiting the room to the hallway.

She opened her phone, and selected chief Yagami's number. He picked up almost instantly.

"Watari says Higuchi's gonna be here in 5." she said.

"Good." his voice was calm, as always, which somehow gave Fay comfort.

"I'm coming down." she stated.

"No - you should stay there with Matsuda. We can handle it here."

"With all due respect, Chief," Fay said. "I dare to disagree. I can guess you refused the gun Wedy offered, but I have no such restrictions. You need my help."

She didn't wait up to listen to Chief Yagami's answer - she guessed well enough that he would only tell her not to come. If she was right, L had ordered Chief Yagami to keep her out of the way.

But that had never stopped her before.

L could say what he wanted - Fay would do as she wanted in the end anyways. That's how it had always been between them.

She checked that the gun was at her belt, and hurried towards the elevator. But she had hardly reached the first floor, when she already heard gunfire.

 _Damn it, damn it, he's here already!_

The adrenaline rushed through her core, as she ran out of the elevator. Her tennis shoes were perfect for running, and her body was swift and fast. The gun was in her hand before she had time to think about it.

"Chief…!" Someone shouted.

And then Aiber's voice. "Oh, no!"

Fay reached the studio just in time to see Chief Yagami falling to the floor, blood staining his arm - and Higuchi disappearing into a nearby hallway. Without even thinking about it Fay rushed through the room, leaped over a fallen screen and ran after Higuchi.

"No, Fay!" shouted Wedy. "Your face!"

Without stopping to answer, Fay pulled up the scarf she'd had around her neck, so that it covered her nose and mouth.

She got into the corridor, right after Aiber, who hesitated a second too long with his gun.

 _Damn, these amateurs!_ Fay cursed in her mind, as Aiber finally fired, but of course too late. Higuchi was already out of the view.

Fay ran as fast as she could now, gripping hard on her gun, her lungs aching, tasting blood on her lips. She almost hit the wall in the curves, but managed to keep her balance.

 _Faster, damn it, faster! You can't let that bastard go!_

She rushed into the lobby, and saw Higuchi.

No hesitation. Her arm was steady as she aimed, and fired.

The sound of the gun ripped the air like thunder, and Higuchi reeled back.

 _I got him! I got that son-of-a-bitch!_

"Aaagh!"

Higuchi turned around, and at the sight of his face, Fay startled. His mouth was twisted into an inhuman snarl, revealing his canine teeth. Fay's bullet had ripped the side of his neck, and blood fell to his collar.

 _Shoot, not to kill, but to stop him. We need him alive!_

Fay pulled the trigger again, just as she felt burning pain on her hip.

She knew instantly she'd been hit. The sound of Higuchi's shot was mixed with the ringing of her ears, as she went down.

The gun flew from her fingers. Somewhere far away she heard the sound of glass breaking, as her own bullet hit the window.

Her knees gave in, and she fell into the darkness.


	13. Fruit Cake

**This chapter is a bit longer! I loved writing this one - I hope you like it too!**

 **I'm so happy to have received new reviews from you guys! Thank you so much - it really gives me so much more motivation to write. So please, read on and remember to leave a review. :)**

* * *

She is fourteen years old.

She's taking her riding lesson, and L sits on the fence by the field, following her every move with his dark, saucer eyes.

She wants nothing more than to make him proud. He's so good at so many things, at tennis, at martial arts and fencing and all. Plus, he's by far the smartest kid in Wammy's house. Everyone knows that.

It's not easy to be best friends with someone who's that perfect. There aren't many things Fay can do better than L does - but riding is one of them.

That's why she insists that L comes to watch her riding. To make sure he knows, how good she is.

She turns the horse towards the highest obstacle on the field, encourages her to gallop towards it. It takes all her concentration, so she can't turn and see L, but she know's he's biting his nails. He always does that when he's nervous, and the image makes Fay's heart jump.

The horse leaps. A moment of pure euphoria - it feels like flying. The wind is on her face, and she's like a ray of sun, travelling through air.

And then, a thud as the hoods of her steed meet the ground.

She loses her balance.

 _Oh crap, no! I'm gonna-_

No time to even curse properly. A heartbeat of sickening free fall, and she's on the ground, she feels how the hoofs thump on the field just inches of her head. There's blood on her lips, and pain shoots through her core like a flaming arrow.

"Fay!" someone shouts from far, far away. "Fay, are you alright?!"

It's the voice she knows better than anything.

She rolls to her side, a wail escaping her lips. It hurts so much that tears flood her eyes. Broken ribs, she suspects. And her arm - she can't move her arm. It's bent on an unnatural angle under her body, and she's beginning to feel the pain there too, a burning, ripping ache that cuts through her foggy thoughts.

She feels dizzy, and nauseous. She bites her lip not to throw up.

"I… I don't know." she stammers.

And then he's by her side. He's kneeling on the field and he places his hand on her forehead, his fingers cool, almost cold on her burning skin.

"Look at me." he orders. "Stay focused. Stay with me."

She blinks a few times, to drive the tears away.

 _Stay with me._

He hates it, when she cries. He hates it, when people get emotional.

 _You wanted to make him proud._

"Yes. Okay." she nods, through gritted teeth. "Just don't-"

"What?"

"Don't go."

She can't stop the tears. They fall to her cheeks, all hot and salty, and she feels like an idiot. But she's so scared, still shaking, and the pain has now hit her like a wrecking ball.

"I'm here." L answers, his voice soothing, and calm. But his eyes are huge, and Fay knows.

He's scared too.

* * *

 **October 28th, 2004**

Fay lay on the floor, and gasped for air.

She didn't know for how long she'd been there. There was noise, people shouting, someone was running - but all she knew was this sickening feeling of falling.

The darkness made her vision blur, and she fought with all she had, not to be swept with it, to stay conscious.

And then the pain hit her, like a wrecking ball - a burning sensation on her left side, like something was ripping her flesh apart.

She tasted fear on her lips, it's acidic taste making her nauseous.

"Fay! Are you alright?"

Someone was kneeling on the floor by her side, dark hair falling to his forehead.

"L…?" she breathed.

"No, it's me - Matsuda. Are you alright?"

"What… what happened?" Fay muttered through gritted teeth. "I was… was I shot?"

"Yeah. That damn Higuchi shot first Chief and then you. The Chief is fine, though, it was just a scratch. He went after Higuchi with the rest of them, and-"

"Matsu." Fay interrupted. The pain welled in her core like she was being eaten alive, and it took all she had not to lose consciousness.

"Yeah?"

"Would you please shut up?"

"Oh. Yeah, sure! I'm sorry."

He looked so scared and so worried that suddenly Fay felt bad for him. His hair was a mess, and he had blood on his white shirt, some on his face too. It wasn't until now that Fay realized he was pressing something on her side - to stop the bleeding.

She groaned, and tried to sit up, despite the pain.

"Give me a hand?"

"Fay, what are you doing? You're bleeding - shouldn't you just rest until the ambulance-"

"Just shut up, and help me." Fay snapped, and reluctantly Matsuda did as he was told.

She took his hand, and let him pull herself up, to a sitting position. Moving hurt so much that she grimaced, and spat out a curse (that made Matsuda blush), but at the same time it assured her she wasn't seriously injured. No broken bones, or internal damage. It was a flesh wound, nothing more.

"Let me see it." she stated, and this time Matsuda didn't argue. He let go of the cloth he had been pressing on the wound - which was his suit jacket, Fay realized now.

There was a lot of blood - a sickening amount of it, really. It's stench filled the air - sticky, heavy, with a hint of steel, and it stuck to Fay's throat. But the wound itself wasn't that bad.

 _Stitches should do it,_ she thought. _It's not like this is my first scar._

"It's just a scratch." she managed. "But had he hit me a few inches to the right…"

She didn't want to finish that sentence.

This might not be the first scar she had, but this was the closest she'd been to death in years. Or ever, actually.

That thought shook her more than she liked to admit.

"Yeah…" Matsuda said. "Thank goodness you're okay! I was so scared when I heard the gunfire. I thought, that… that maybe you-"

"I'm fine." she stated, her voice a bit shaky. "Just… just stay with me, okay?"

"Of course! I'm not going anywhere."

He helped her lay back down, his grip on her hand was strong and steady, and it made Fay feel less afraid.

* * *

 **A few hours later, same night.**

It felt like a hospital room.

The cannula on the back of her hand, the uncomfortable hospital bed, the ugly gown she'd been forced to wear by the intimidating nurse, who had also cleaned her wound and stitched it up.

But it wasn't a hospital. It was just a room in the Operations HQ. A room, that was apparently there just for these kinds of emergencies.

Fay wondered, if L had known some of them would get hurt in tonight's mission.

She wondered if he'd thought it would be her.

Or if he even cared. She hadn't heard from him all night, and that made her feel worse than the bullet hole in her flesh.

She bit her lip, not to cry.

Maybe it was the scare, the near death experience. Maybe it was the blood loss, or the pretty strong painkillers she'd been given - but she felt miserable.

She felt weak, and lonely, and heartbroken. And a failure.

 _You used to be a good shot._ _And now you couldn't even hit Higuchi well enough to make him stop._

 _Yeah, well - maybe you should've practiced a bit these last years? Instead of getting rid of all your guns._ A nagging voice kept blaming her, no matter how much she tried to silence it.

"Fay, you want to have some water? Or green tea?"

Matsuda's voice brought her back to the moment. He had barely left her bedside all night.

"No thanks." Fay managed. "What I'd like to have is a shot of whisky, but I'm guessing that's out of the question."

Matsuda made a small laugh. "Yeah, that's what the nurse said. No alcohol, not with the painkillers."

"Agh. I hate her." Fay rolled her eyes. "But tell me, Matsu… aren't you in need of a drink after tonight? A shinigami, for real?"

"Yeah, it's so weird." Matsuda's face went serious. "I couldn't believe it before I saw it with my own eyes. And the notebook of Death? That's just surreal."

"It is." Fay agreed. "Though part of me still thinks you're playing a prank on me. Making a fool out of me, while I'm drugged and scared and will believe anything."

"Me? No way! I couldn't come up with that stuff even if I tried."

 _That's probably true._ Fay thought, but wisely enough kept silent.

She turned to her right side, to see Matsuda better. He had washed his face, so the blood stains in his cheeks were gone, but his shirt was ruined. Suddenly Fay felt moved, that he wanted to stay with her. There were probably a million more interesting things going on in the HQ.

"Matsu, I wanted to say thanks." she said after a while. "That you stayed to help me at the Sakura TV. I didn't have to wait for the ambulance alone."

"You are thanking me?" he seemed surprised. "Come on! Shouldn't it be the other way around, Fay? You took the bullet… I mean, Higuchi wanted to kill _me_ , but he almost managed to kill _you_ instead. So that means you kinda took the bullet for me, right?"

Fay managed a weak smile.

"I took the bullet, because I'm an idiot." she sighed. "And a bad shot."

"Fay, please, I wanted to say-"

But just then there was a knock on the door, and someone opened it.

"I'm not interrupting something, am I?" L's voice said - and Fay's heart missed a beat.

"No, no… not at all!" Matsuda jumped up from his chair, and blushed in a way that made Fay wonder what he had been about to say.

But L didn't seem to notice his uneasiness.

"Matsuda-san." he said. "Could you please leave us for a moment? I need to speak with Fay."

"Oh. Sure." Matsuda replied, and glanced at Fay. "I… do you want something? I could go and get you that tea now, or-"

"Tea is fine." Fay smiled. "Unless you manage to find whisky."

L watched as Matsuda left the room, the look on his face revealing nothing. Fay waited for him to walk closer to her bed, but he didn't. Instead he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, and leaned his back against the wall. The shadows of the dim room hid his eyes from her.

It wasn't until then, that Fay realized something - and it took her breath away.

He was alone. No Light Yagami to tail him.

"The handcuffs…" she stammered. "You… you released Light?"

"I'm sure Matsuda has already briefed you. The rules in the Death Note are clear - if someone fails to continue writing names in the book, he or she will die, after-"

"After 13 days, yes." Fay snapped. "I heard that. But still… You really released him?!"

L was silent for a short while.

"I thought you wanted for me to 'ditch him'."

Fay blushed.

"It was just a joke. I never thought-"

"Fay… I didn't come here to talk about Light-kun." L interrupted her sentence. His voice was cool and low, like water in a river, and it made Fay shiver, as if she could feel it on her skin, sense it vibrating through her spine.

Hearing him say her name, not being able to see his face properly, made her feel uneasy. She felt high headed, and she wasn't sure if it was the drugs, or just his presence.

She hadn't been alone with him in four and a half years, and suddenly she felt nervous.

"Then why are you here?" she asked.

"I came to ask, how are you."

"I'm fine." She blushed, embarrassed. "I don't know why Matsuda's making such a fuss about this. It's just a flesh wound, nothing but a scratch, really."

L was silent for a while. Fay heard how he scratched his leg with his other feet.

"It was a very stupid thing of you to do, to go after Higuchi, knowing he had a gun." he finally said. "You could have been killed."

"Well, you know me. Stupid." Fay muttered. "It should be my second name."

"I've never thought so. I merely said it was… poor judgement."

"Fine, you're right. You're _always_ right. It probably wasn't the wisest thing to do, but someone _had_ to do it. Wedy was helping the Chief, and Aiber…" Fay shrugged. "Well, your conman was quite useless tonight."

L said nothing to that, and Fay fell silent for a few heartbeats as well.

"Though, who am I to judge. I guess I'm that too - useless."

"First you called yourself stupid, and now useless. This isn't like you, Fay. What is it?"

Maybe it was the fact that he was still standing as far away from her as he could, or maybe it was the drugs, but suddenly she couldn't bottle her emotion anymore. She let it show on her face, and the words just poured out of her lips - like the tears that began to fall to her cheeks.

"Oh, come on!" she spat out. "I have achieved _nothing_ all this time. I got nothing out of Misa, and now you have to release her too! I've provided zero information for this case, and now I messed up this Higuchi thing as well. I got a chance to shoot him, and I missed! You were right - I've been out of business for too long. I am _useless._ "

"You are not useless, Fay."

His voice sounded strained, tense like a string.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that…" he paused for a few heartbeats, as if to search for words. "I mean that, I find you being here invaluable. Do not blame yourself for not being able to catch Higuchi. He surprised us with the gun - if something, _I_ should have anticipated he would have one. And for not being able to find proof against Misa or Light? I could not find that either. Maybe they are indeed innocent, and I was mistaken-"

Fay sniffed, and cleared her throat.

"They're _not_. We're just not seeing something."

"That may be. But still Fay, you are anything but useless." He was silent for a short while, biting his thumb. Fay still couldn't see his eyes, but she saw how he shifted weight on his feet, heard the slight trembling in his voice as he continued.

"In fact, your presence might be the only thing that keeps me sane now. You and Watari."

Fay made a small, surprised sound.

That was the most intimate thing he had said to her in all this time - even if he had to add Watari to his notion, to make it seem less personal.

"Oh, wow." Fay breathed. "Did you just admit, that you need me?"

"I have always needed you, Fay. I have never been able to sleep without you."

"I know."

"Do you remember the deal we made?"

"Yeah." she made a small laugh, but it came out a sob. "I remember."

"You made me trade my name, for the permission to sleep under your table. And you sweetened the deal by promising to give me all your desserts for an entire year."

Fay had to smile to that memory.

"I did that too." she said. "You ate all my cake. Even the one my Aunt Emily sent me. The one with-"

"Dried fruit." L noted. "I remember." A short silence. "It was a good cake."

Fay blinked a few times. The tears had stopped flowing, and she wiped her face with her sleeve, but her cheeks were still burning, and she felt short of breath.

"It was all a lot more simple back then, wasn't it?" she said after a few moments. "When we were kids."

"It was. And that is the reason, I need you to leave."

His words pierced her heart like an arrow.

"What?!" she sat up, forgetting the pain in her wound. "First you admit that you need me, and then you tell me to leave?!"

"Fay, please. You being shot… it was-" He hid in the shadows, and stuck his thumb into his mouth. It was clear the words didn't come easily now.

But Fay waited. There was no way, she'd finish this sentence for him. Not _now_. Not now that they were finally talking.

"It made me lose my balance." L finally said. "It can be dangerous if that happens again."

Fay looked down, to her hands that lay on her lap. The cannula pierced her skin, that was pale and bloodstained. Suddenly she felt exhausted and miserable.

"In other words, you want me out of here, because my presence might cause you to mess up? It's not enough that _I'm_ useless, but I also cause _you_ to perform badly?"

"You misunderstand me in purpose, Fay. I want you out, for your safety. I could not handle it, if you got hurt."

"I am already hurt." she breathed. "But this is nothing. You should've seen me when I was away from you. There's no way I'm leaving."

"Fay, you must-"

And the door opened.

A light that was way too bright, entered the room and broke the moment.

"I found some tea!" Matsuda announced happily. "I hope you like it."


	14. Cotton candy

**October 30th, 2004**

The only thing Fay remembered of the day she'd fallen off her horse, was how L had looked, when kneeling by her side. His eyes, huge like saucers, their pupils wide and dilated, and filled with fear when facing the unforseen.

That memory popped into her mind, when she looked at L now. Two days after they had caught Higuchi, and found out about the Death Note and everything that came with it.

It broke her heart, when she realized it. But it was the truth nevertheless.

L was scared.

Fay was pretty sure no one else noticed it, though. For he acted just as cool, just as collected as ever. His voice betrayed no emotion when he talked with the shinigami, asked him questions about the Death Note, all over again, and all that the rest of the team could see, was his astounding tranquility when facing something that was against everything they'd thought they knew.

But Fay saw through him.

Fay saw the nervous movements of his fingers, when he built a tower of the macarons on his plate. She noticed the dark undertone of his voice, felt it moving something deep inside of her soul.

She felt like the little girl again, that she had been on her first days in Wammy's house - worried for the boy who wouldn't sleep. The dark shadows under his eyes told Fay now, that he hadn't even tried to rest these past few days.

He was obsessed to find the blind spot. The thing they had missed. And he kept asking the one question again, and again, from the shinigami named Rem. Was it really so, that if a person stopped writing names into the notebook of death, that person would die after 13 days?

Fay knew, as well as he did, that it didn't make sense.

And maybe it was that, what scared L.

Not the shinigami, not the notebook, not the existence of the supernatural. But the fact, that he didn't understand what was happening. The possibility that he might have been wrong.

 _No,_ Fay thought. _He's never wrong. Light is Kira, he must be - I have a hunch, and my hunches are always right. I knew Higuchi was Kira, and I can feel that Light is too. What are we not seeing?!_

It was an endless doubt now days.

If Fay had thought the Kira investigation had been nerve wrecking before, she'd had no clue. Now it was like it had engulfed _everything_. Fay had the horrible feeling that they were racing against time, though she wasn't certain what would wait for them at the finish line, she suspected it was nothing good.

* * *

It had been two days now, since she'd been shot.

The wound still gave her hard time, and she could feel the stitches every time she moved, but the painkillers were great.

And there was no way she'd miss this race by staying in the bed, while L was giving all he had, to solve this case.

Fay gave a long sigh, and leaned back in her chair - careful not to stretch her left side. She lifted her feet to the table, and turned to look at L, who was leafing the pages of the Death Note.

The team had went to get lunch, and it was just the two of them in the room. Well, if you didn't count the shinigami.

"Rem?" Fay said and turned her eyes to the tall, unhuman figure.

"Yes?" the shinigami replied.

"You are here, because you are attached to this note book, correct?"

"Yes, it is so. As long as the notebook stays in the human world, I must stay in close proximity of it."

"And what does close proximity mean, exactly? Is it like in the same room? Or in the same building? If I would take the Death Note to the next floor, would you have to follow it?"

"I cannot say exactly. I have never tested it that way."

"Hmm." Fay raised an eyebrow. "Let's test it then."

She stood up from the chair, walked to L and took the Death Note from his grip.

"Fay, what are you-?"

"Just trying something out." Fay interrupted, and closed the notebook. "There's a safe in Misa's old rooms, isn't there?"

"There is." L said. "But not safe enough for that thing."

"It's just for a moment."

Fay walked out of the room, and headed to Misa's room. It only took her a moment to stuff the Death Note into a safe in Misa's bedroom, and secure it. When she turned around, she noticed Rem hovering by the door.

"That's neat." Fay said. "Getting here pretty fast. You can go through walls? And floors?"

"Yes." Rem agreed. "The things in human world cannot touch me unless I allow it."

"Well, there's one thing I envy off you. So, you felt like you needed to follow the Death Note here?"

"I did. You placed it in that safe box for a reason?"

"You could say so." Fay made a small laugh. "Now, stay put."

It took her less than a minute to return to the HQ, where she found L staring at the monitors, showing Misa's bedroom and the shinigami aimlessly standing by the door.

"Why did you do that, Fay?" he turned his eyes to her. "I do not like it. The shinigami could easily take the Death Note now, if she wanted to."

"She could've taken it any time if that was her goal." Fay shrugged. "You heard her just then, didn't you? That the things of human world cannot touch her unless she allows them to. That means she could just pick the note from our hands at any time and disappear with it."

"True." L frowned. "Still, Fay. You tricked the shinigami out of the room with the Death Note. All you needed to do, to talk with me alone, was to ask."

Fay felt blushing.

"Yeah, right. I have been asking for you to talk to me for two days now. We never finished that talk we had, when you came to my hospital room."

L blinked. His huge eyes glimmered. His fingers kept playing with the macarons on the plate, piling them into a pyramid.

"I have been rather occupied these past few days, Fay."

"Like I don't know that." she sighed. "But this is important. L, we _need_ to talk."

His silence filled the room, made it feel like a huge space, like a cathedral or a courthouse, that was full of unfilled hopes and wishes and tragic destinies, it was echoing with her nervous heartbeat, the sound of him playing with the macarons, the all consuming way of him avoiding her eyes, as if looking at her he'd begin something catastrophical.

It took her breath away, and she felt diminished.

She felt like a kid again.

"What is it that you wanted to talk about?" he finally said, still not looking at her.

"You." her voice was trembling. "Me. _Us_?"

"There is no us, Fay." he said silently. "There hasn't been since-"

"Since I left? Well, you know what? You can blame me for that for the rest of your life, if you want to. But I'm here now. I came back. And I need for you to talk with me - now."

She stood up from her chair, grabbed his arm, and yanked him up of his seat as well.

Actually, it was fine to feel like a kid again. At least, when they'd been small, she'd never hesitated touching him. And as a child, she had hated large, empty spaces too. There had been safety under the table. Safety, comfort, darkness and L's scent of cotton and English tea.

"Come here!" she snapped, and forced him to follow her.

"Where are we going?"

"To that damn closet!"

He blinked his huge eyes in confusion.

"What's in the closet?"

"You and me, that's what in the closet!"

"You and I are here, Fay. Why are we-"

But she dragged him into the closet, and shut the door behind them. It was dark, just like it had been under the table when the tablecloth had reached the floor and night had fell into Wammy's house. She had never feared for the dark. To her, it was safety. Every darkness she had ever faced, had reminded her of L's fingers touching her hand, his scent surrounding her before she fell to sleep.

It had always been so much easier to talk to him, in the darkness.

"You know why I left." she breathed.

"Yes, I know."

"I love you." she forced the words out of her mouth. "I left because I loved you, and you… You wished me away because of that. But I never stopped loving you. I love you, damn it, I love you and I want you to say that you know it."

"I know it." his voice was nothing but a thin whisper.

"I thought I would get over it. Gods, I tried! I had… I had a life, a _normal_ life. I had this boyfriend, Cesáire, and a job… He knew nothing about my past or Wammy's house or the things we used to do. And I thought I was happy, but then…" she had to pause for a moment, to catch her breath. Her heart felt like a hummingbird inside of her chest and her knees were weak. The small space was filled with L's scent of sugar and cotton and dark English tea, and it took her breath away. "Then Watari called."

L was silent for something that felt like a small eternity.

"You shouldn't have come." he finally said. "Watari should not have contacted you."

"I left everything to be here. I left my boyfriend."

"I know."

"I just… L, this investigation, it is different. It's not like the things we solved before. I am… I am scared."

The darkness surrounded them. Fay's hand was still resting on L's arm, her fingers gripping on his sleeve.

"What are you afraid of?" he breathed, and she felt like crumbling.

The emotion got stuck to her throat, it tasted like tears on her lips.

"That you'll die? That I'll die too, and that _we never_ -"

"Yes. It is possible that Kira will get to me before I can find the proof. I can feel the end drawing near, Fay. I've known it for two days now. This will soon be over, one way or the other… " He paused for a few heartbeats. "But you do not need to be here. You can leave. I will not think any less of you, if you do that."

"There's nowhere I would rather be, than here. With you."

"Fay…" his voice was pleading.

"Lawliet."

That did it. He gasped, as if he'd been hit.

He grabbed her shoulders, she felt his fingers digging into her skin, and her head was spinning.

"Don't use that name. It is not safe!"

"Lawliet." she exhaled, so softly that she barely heard it herself. "Lawliet. Lawliet…!"

The word tasted of chocolate and vanilla and stars and high skies and darkness and she loved the way it made her feel when it left her lips. She pronounced it like 'low light', and instantly her heart was in the nights they had lay side by side on the huge canopy bed of her room in Wammy's house, and he had fell asleep holding her hand.

She had stayed awake for a lot longer, watching how his face turned soft and relaxed, how the dark shadows under his eyes disappeared.

" _Lawliet."_

"Fay, stop that."

A hint of desperation in his words.

"Make me stop. Touch me."

"I can't do that! I cannot-"

"What are _you_ afraid of?"

His only answer was a weak, throaty sound that he made, a sound that could've been of need or wanting, or fear.

His face was so close to hers now, that she felt his breathing on her own, tasted the sugar and the tea, and her mouth watered. She was so turned on by his warmth, his scent, that she felt her legs trembling.

If he didn't touch her now, she knew she'd die! Forget Kira, forget all the dangers of this case, she would die here in this closet if L wouldn't lay his hands on her burning skin right now.

"Lawliet, please…" she whimpered. Her trembling hands found their way to his chest, and he winced under her touch, took a fast step back and hit his back to the wall.

And then his cell phone rang.

The sound cut through the silence, and in a heartbeat L had picked the phone up. The bluish light of the small screen was too bright, too clean, too alien, and it shattered everything.

"Yes?" his voice was just as always, all cool and low. "Oh, that is interesting. As I thought."

He walked out of the closet, and shut the door behind him, leaving Fay alone in the darkness.

She didn't know how much time passed.

Her face was burning, and she tasted tears in her throat. The wound in her side had started aching again, and in her chest there was this excruciating void that made her feel sick, this hole that she knew would _never_ be fixed, not unless L-

 _He told you to stop! He escaped when you touched him!_

 _That should tell you how he feels about you, moron. There's no point in wanting what you can never have._

But then, why had his heart beat so fast under her touch? Why had his voice trembled, ever so slightly, when he had pleaded for her to stop calling him by his real name?

It took her forever to stop shaking, to stop the tears from flowing. And by then, she could hear that the HQ was filled with people.

She recognized Matsuda's voice, and Chief Yagami's. And Light's too - a thing that made her frown. One would have thought that now that he wasn't handcuffed to L anymore, he'd find better things to do with his time than hanging around. Wasn't he supposed to be a student?

But Light wasn't his prime concern.

It was the fact that she was stuck in a closet, like an idiot, and the increasing ache in her gun wound told her it was time to get another painkiller. Which were in her purse. In her room.

 _Damn you L, for leaving me alone in here!_

 _I shall never forgive you for this humiliation._

"Fay?! What were you doing in there?!" Matsuda exclaimed, as she sprinted through the room, her face burning.

"Searching a door to Narnia!" she snapped. "Don't ask!"

* * *

 **I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with this story.**

 **Please, review and let me know what you thought! Do you want to know what happens next?**


	15. Popsicle

**Wheee, _finally_ it's time to post this chapter! I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed the writing. **

**Again - please, please review! It means the world to me to know what you thought of this. :)**

* * *

 **October 30th, 2004 - Later that night.**

Fay was in her nightgown - an oversized T-shirt with a picture of a unicorn - brushing her teeth - when someone knocked on the door.

She had been crying, her cheeks were wet with tears, her eyes felt puffy and she knew she looked miserable when she went for the door.

"Who is it?" she asked through it.

Gods, she felt shit! The combination of painkillers and white wine might not have been the smartest choice - but at least it had numbed the pain. Still, she wasn't prepared to meet anyone at the moment. If it was Matsu, she'd have to tell him to sod off. She still felt embarrassed about her comment about Narnia.

"It's me."

Her heart jumped.

The low, cool voice sent shivers through her spine, and her knees went weak. Instantly she was back at the closet, back in the small, dark space, surrounded by L's scent, and she felt high headed.

Quickly she wiped her tears and her runny nose, and stuffed the toothbrush into a vase on a nearby table, before opening the door.

"What do you want?" she asked.

He shifted his weight nervously from foot to foot, and stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. His silence spoke louder than words, and finally Fay had to look up, to meet his huge, dark eyes. To fall in them, once again.

"I'm sorry." he breathed. "I am sorry, that I -"

"Don't." Fay snapped. "If you came just to tell me you're sorry-"

"I didn't."

"Then why are you here?"

Her words were an accusation, and she threw them at his face with anger. But something in his eyes cut right through her heart, and suddenly Fay felt shattering like glass.

She knew why he had come.

She reached for his arm, her fingers grabbed on the fabric of his shirt, just like in the closet, like a million times before, but suddenly everything was unlike before, and she felt it in the beating of her heart, in the pulsing of her bloodstream, in her head that was high not only of the drugs but of him too, and she pulled him closer.

It was as if that had been the push he needed.

She had barely time to gasp - and his lips were on hers in a heartbeat.

He tasted of honey and milk, of tea and despair, and her mouth watered, her lips opened for him. A sweet, overcoming weakness washed over her, and she succumbed to his embrace.

L's hands were on her back, in her hair, the long, delicate fingers brushing through her curls. His lips found the corner of her mouth, his tongue tasted her lips, and wrapping her arms around his neck she felt how he shivered, how the lean muscles of his chest and shoulders went tight and hard under her touch.

The kiss was desperate and raw, it left them both breathless. He pushed her against the wall, and his hands were on her backside, finding the hem of her nightgown, pulling it up, and Fay thought she'd die, that she'd burst of this need that was like a volcano in her gut. His hands were trembling, and the sounds that escaped from his lips into her mouth, were the dry, throaty sounds of wanting and of wonder, and she knew - this was the first time he touched anyone like this. This was the first time for him, and it made her heart ache with love and fear and hope.

 _Christ, I hope I don't mess this up! I don't want to scare him away!_

She felt his body tightening against her own, pinning her against the wall, and her hands found the hem of his shirt. She slid it up, and laid her fingers on his bare abdomen, on the silky skin over the lean muscle.

He gasped, feeling her touch, and froze still - and for a heartbeat Fay feared he would recoil, like in the closet, that he would run away again - but he didn't. Giving out a long, trembling sigh, he let her feel him, let her pull his shirt up and off altogether and reveal his naked upper body for her to touch.

She let her fingers glide on his skin, feeling the length of his arms, the hardness of his shoulders, the sharp bones under the smooth skin of his tense back. And all the time his mouth was on hers, sucking on her lower lip like it was candy, his tongue moving on it, in a way that sent waves of primitive need through Fay's core.

"Lawliet…!" she breathed into the kiss.

He froze, and his hands stopped on her waist. He pressed his forehead on hers.

"Felicity."

Hearing her name, her _real_ name, spoken with his low, husky voice, took her breath away. Her hands trembled as she let them find the waistband of his trousers, the buckle of his belt. He didn't resist when she opened the first buttons of his baggy jeans, and gently ran her fingers along the waist of his boxers, but a low sound escaped his lips into her mouth, a sound of pure wanting, and it took away all her doubts.

She took his hand, let their fingers entwine. His chest was heaving with fast breaths, his long fingers clenched on hers.

"Come." she whispered, took the lead, and he followed her through the dark apartment.

* * *

He followed her like a puppy through the empty rooms, and let her push him to the couch - and before he had time to rethink about what was happening, before he could get scared again, Fay climbed onto his lap and kissed him.

Her hands were trembling, as she ran her fingers through his thick, black hair. To be able to touch him like this-

 _Christ, if he goes now, I'll die!_

But he didn't act like he was about to leave. His hands were eager on her skin, needing but delicate, feeling the softness of her curves, gripping on her skin - yet careful not to touch her left side, where the bandaged wound was.

Fay couldn't help the moan that left her lips, as his hands slid under her nightgown, and pulled her close, so close she could feel his heartbeat on her chest.

His tongue found hers, and she tasted him, drank him, got intoxicated of his taste of tea and vanilla. Her nightgown had to go - anxious to get closer to him, Fay ripped it off, threw the unwanted piece of clothing to the floor.

L made a surprised gasp, as he felt Fay's naked breasts on his chest, and suddenly he let go of her, as if he was scared - scared to touch her like this. He gulped - his sharp adam's apple moving against Fay's lips.

"Lawliet." she exhaled, and kissed his neck, the spot right under his ear. "It's alright."

He didn't answer, but inhaled sharply, and Fay felt how his tense muscles were trembling slightly.

But she also felt something hard inside of his jeans, something that pressed against her inner thigh and made her ache on the sweetest way. And when she shifted her weight on his lap, he bit his lip and groaned - a definite sound of pleasure.

Slowly, not to scare him, she slid her hands down his arms, all the way to his fingers, and grabbed them gently. Without a word she brought his hands to her chest, laid them on her breasts, and pressed a soft kiss on his lips.

"I want you to touch me." she breathed. "Please, touch me Lawliet."

"Fay, I-"

"Not that name. My _real_ name..!"

"Felicity." His voice was nothing but a low breath, a growl, and it was the most arousing sound she'd ever heard.

His hands on her breasts were cool, her nipples ached, they felt rock hard against the soft skin of his palms, and she couldn't help but to bite her lip, in order to suppress her moan. Feeling his touch on her nipples sent sharp waves of pleasure through her core, like electric shocks. Her fingers clenched tight on his hair, his tongue entered her mouth, and it was almost more than she could take.

Slowly she slid her hands to the waist of his jeans again, and this time she finished opening them, pushed them down as much as she could, sitting in his lap. Her fingers brushed the front of his boxers, that were bulged with his large erection.

 _Heavens, it's so hard! I can't believe this is happening, I can't-_

She eased her fingers into his underwear, and gripped him tight.

"Oh…!" he gasped, and broke the kiss. "Oh, Gods…!

His hands were still on her breasts, as if he didn't dare to move them now, fingers digging into the softness of her skin, so that it almost hurt. His head lolled back, and his eyes closed, he bit his lip, and groaned.

"Yeah." she exhaled. "I know."

"Fe...Felicity-"

Fay added some pressure, and began to move her hand on his length. She felt the hardness of his shaft, the slick head of it, and her mouth watered. She wanted to taste him, taste his cock on her tongue, so badly that her mouth watered. Would it taste salty and sour, or musky - or sweet, like everything else in him tasted?

She wanted to suck it like a popsicle, to get him all the way to her throat.

But the way he whimpered under her touch, told her it would have to wait. She would have to wait. This was his first time, and-

"Oh… oh!" he moaned, and shiver ran through his spine. "Oh, I- _please_ , Fay, please…!"

And she felt how he came. The pulsing of his shaft in the grip of her fingers, the warm seed that fell on her hand, his desperate grip on her breasts. She kissed him hard, and drank his groans of pleasure, until she felt it was over.

* * *

"It's alright." she said, and kissed him softly. "Everything's fine."

She used the same tone she had, when they had been kids and he had had trouble falling asleep.

"Yes." he breathed.

His eyes were huge, like saucers, and he was trembling. Slowly, carefully Fay slid her hand out of his boxers, and wiped it in his jeans.

"I love you." Fay said silently. "You know I do, right?"

"I know."

She waited a few seconds, to give him a chance to tell her that he loved her too, but nothing happened. Well, a girl can't have everything in one night, can she? The last thing she wanted to do was to put too much pressure on him now, so that he'd leave.

That would no doubt be enough to kill her.

L gulped, and blinked a few times. He looked so serious and so scared, that it would've been funny, if it hadn't been so heartbreaking.

"I'm sorry for what happened." he said then, silently.

Fay let out a small laugh.

"What are you sorry for? For leaving me into the closet? Or for letting me give you a handjob? If it's for the latter, I can tell, that your reaction was quite what I was hoping for."

"Oh. I was going to apologize for that."

"Just don't." Fay stated. "This _was_ your first time, wasn't it?"

"Yes. You knew that."

"I did." she admitted. "So, don't be sorry."

"But you-" he paused. "-you probably want something more than... _this_."

"Oh, you bet I do." she couldn't suppress her smile. "You?"

A short silence, he shifted and looked up to her eyes. His hands moved to her waist, their touch on her burning skin cool and light as a feather.

And then, a smile. Wicked, and wild and sinful as Hell on his perfect lips - and Fay felt her heart jumping to her throat.

"Who likes to sleep anyways?" he said.


	16. Honey

**I must admit I was a bit discouraged, to get no reviews at all to the latest chapter.**

 **Is it so, that you don't want to read steamy scenes? Did I not portray L well?**

 **Please, let me know if you like to read some L/Fay steaminess, or not.**

* * *

 **October 30th, 2004**

Fay felt burning.

It was like there was a volcano in her heart, spreading lava into her bloodstream.

His hands on her skin were cool, almost cold, and she shivered feeling them gliding on her body.

Her bed was soft, the scent of cotton surrounded her, and she didn't know if it was the sheets or if it was L, but she inhaled it, her shaky breaths shallow and light, and let it fill her.

She couldn't believe this was really happening.

L was here. In her bed. And his touch on her skin was intoxicating.

"I never thought…" L's voice was shaky too. His hand stopped on her breasts, fingers gently brushing her hardened nipple, making her gasp.

"Yeah?"

"That it would feel like this."

"Like what?"

"So soft." he breathed. "I never knew."

"Oh, Lawliet." she breathed, and ran her fingers through his hair. "Kiss me."

And he did. His lips on hers were so silky, so gentle, so careful. Fay encouraged him by pulling him closer, gripping on his hair, and her lips opened for his tongue to enter.

He tasted like honey, and she felt like exploding.

Everything in her wanted to open to him, like her lips did, she wanted to pull him closer, to wrap her legs around his hips, to feel him inside of her like it was meant to be.

He kept kissing her, his lips tasting hers, their tongues entwining, and Fay felt his heartbeat accelerating, his breathing turning fast and raspy again, and it turned her on more than anything.

 _How long has it been since he came? Could it be, that he's ready to-_

But her thoughts were interrupted as L moved his hand from her breast, and slid it downwards, finding the waistband of her (already soaking wet) hotpants.

"Oh…!" Fay gasped into his mouth. "Christ…!"

His fingers were slow and careful, they pushed down her panties, and Fay squirmed under his touch, her hips rising from the mattress, to meet his hand.

But he hesitated, his cool fingers following the sharp line of her hipbone, feeling the softness of her belly, and Fay felt them shaking.

"Please…" she begged, breaking the kiss. "Please, touch me!"

He blinked a few times, his huge dark eyes suddenly nervous.

"You need to show me how."

Fay's heart skipped a beat.

The way he had kissed her just before, had almost made her forget how inexperienced he was. She let go of his hair, and placed her hand on his - gentle but determinate - guiding it to her most sensitive parts.

"Ah…!" she gasped, feeling his cool touch on her burning flesh.

His finger were so delicate, so long and thin. They glided on her slickness, and with ease found the right pressure, the right rhythm, with almost no help from her.

"Like this?"

"Yes…!" it was hard to even speak. "Just… like… that!"

She let go of his hand, her eyes closed. The pleasure that washed through her core was like a growing tidal wave, it was almost more than she could take. His lips were on her neck now, and she felt his hot breathing on her skin, the pounding of his heart - and as he pressed his body tight against her side, she felt the hardness of his erection inside his boxers.

Why was he still wearing those damn boxers?!

But her thought was interrupted, as he slid a finger deep inside of her, and she moaned out loud.

"Oh, God…!"

"Good?" he breathed.

"Yes, oh, please, don't stop!"

And he didn't, he added another finger, and Fay felt like dying.

Her hips reacted to his touch, answering his slow, gentle strokes, her muscles clenched tight and her back arched.

No one had ever made her feel like _this_.

But she wanted more. She wanted _all_ of him.

"Lawliet, please…!" she begged, her hands gripping tight on his hair again. "I need you to make love to me."

He froze, his fingers stopped inside of her, and for a moment a horrible fear pierced Fay's heart - _what if he say's no_?!

Slowly he slid his fingers off her.

"Fay, I…" he hesitated. "I brought condoms. They are in the pocket of my jeans."

"You brought condoms?"

"Yes. I thought I should be prepared."

Fay couldn't help it - she burst out in laughter.

"Why is it funny?" L asked.

"Oh, it's not." Fay grinned. "It's not, really. I just… Did you buy them yourself?"

That thought was hilarious, she couldn't help it.

"No. I-"

"On second thought, I don't want to know." Fay decided.

She sure didn't want to think about someone else buying L's condoms. If it was Watari, she didn't want to know!

"So, should I get them?" L's words brought her back to the moment.

Fay brought her hands to his shoulders, feeling the tight muscles under the smooth skin, the sharpness of his collarbones. Touching him felt like touching heaven.

"No need. I am clean, and I think you are too. Plus, I'm on the pill." she said softly. "You trust me, right?"

He didn't answer, but just kissed her again, this time harder, and his tongue entered her mouth. He only broke the kiss momentarily to remove his boxers (Finally!), and then he rolled on top of her. Fay wrapped her thighs around his narrow hips, pulling him closer. His lips were on hers again, and pressing on her inner thigh she felt his shaft, rock hard, and she couldn't think about anything else.

Her hand was trembling slightly, as she reached down, gripped him and guided him in.

"Oh, Heaven…!" L groaned.

Fay's only answer was a wordless moan of pure need.

L pushed deep, too deep even, hurting her, and she had to bite her lip to suppress the pain until she adjusted.

 _Christ, he has a big one!_

His shaft was like a sword that cut through her flesh, opening her up for him, and she felt all strength leaving her muscles.

His fingers gripped tight on her hair, desperate, his mouth was sucking on the skin of her neck, as he began to move inside of her - first hesitatingly, slow but deep, but then fastening his pace, finding a rhythm. And every time he entered her, a low growl escaped his lips, a sound of pleasure so profound, it shook Fay to her core.

"Gods!" He gasped, in between his thrusts. "Felicity…!"

"Lawliet…!"

His fingers gripped hard on her curls.

"I can't-"

"L, _please_ …!"

Fay felt his tight abdomen pressing on hers, his lean chest on her breasts, his ribs under his skin, the sharpness of his hipbones. And deep inside of her, he stretched her open with his rock hard erection - time after time after time - and it was more than she could take.

Fay dug her fingernails into the skin of his shoulders.

Her back arched, her toes curled, and an animal shriek left her lungs as she came - the orgasm exploding in her mind like a supervolcano.

She almost lost consciousness, gripping hard on L's shoulders, burying her face into his neck.

Through the fog of her mind, the ringing of her ears, she heard the surprised gasp he made - and then, the husky, raw growl that escaped his lips as he came too, releasing himself deep inside of her pulsing heat.


	17. Cherries

**Please review! I need to know what you thought of this chapter. I appreciate every single review, so much!**

* * *

 **October 31st, 2004**

To wake up and see him next to her.

His dark hair a mess, a halo around his pale face.

His closed eyes.

He was sleeping so peacefully, his breathing soft and even, his face relaxed. The dark shadows, that she was so used to seeing under his eyes, were gone, and he looked years younger.

For minutes Fay just lay on her side, looking at him, drinking in every little detail.

She was mad at herself, for falling asleep at all. It was time wasted.

How many years had she waited for this to happen? To be able to watch him in his sleep like this. To feel the warmth of his naked body in her bed, to breath in his scent of milk, and tea, honey and cotton. And she had wasted hours of it, by falling asleep.

She wished she could stop time, for this moment was perfection.

Her body still felt everything they had done last night.

Her core ached, her lips felt swollen and raw, and between her thighs she could still feel how he had entered her. On her left side, the bullet wound was aching, pulsing with burning pain, and she didn't have to take a look at it, to know it had started bleeding again.

She could feel the bandages were soaked, but the truth was, she didn't care.

She had slept with L, and that was worth every pain and ache in the world.

* * *

It took a long time before he woke up.

By that time, Fay had made a trip to the kitchen, and prepared a pot of English Breakfast Tea, and carried it back to the bedroom on a tray, with two cups and some breakfast muffins - and a bowl of sugar cubes.

L opened his eyes, as Fay sat down on the bed again.

"Good morning." she said, and smiled. "Tea?"

He nodded, sat up and ran his fingers through his hair.

"I vaguely remember you telling me that you wouldn't be making my tea anymore, and that someone else could do it."

Fay made a small laugh.

"I told you I wasn't your maid, which is still true by the way. Maids don't do the stuff we did last night, I hope."

"At least the maids in Wammy's house didn't." L noted. "Not to my knowledge."

"Come on, have a cup of tea." Fay said, and offered him one. "How many sugars?"

"A lot of them, please."

Fay took a handful of sugar cubes, and offered them to L, watched in silence as he carefully dropped them into his tea, one by one. He then stirred the sticky liquid until the sugars had melted, holding the spoon lightly with the tip of his fingers.

With aching clarity Fay remembered how those fingers felt when he slid them inside of her, and she blushed.

Suddenly she felt awkward - something she had never felt in L's presence before. He was still naked, his lower body under the sheets, and in the morning light he looked even more beautiful than in the darkness. And the way he sat… Fay couldn't help but to notice he wasn't crouching or hugging his knees. He leaned his back on the pillows, and his long legs were relaxed under the sheets - as if he'd forgotten to be tense.

Maybe his nervousness had moved to her, she thought. For she felt her rapid heartbeat like the wings of a hummingbird in her ribcage, and her cheeks were burning. She was relieved she'd had time to put on her unicorn T-shirt before he woke up. It would hide the fact, that her nipples went hard just for checking him out.

"How are you feeling, Fay?" L asked after a while, his voice as cool and low, just as collected as ever. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Some." she answered truthfully. "You?"

"You know I've only ever been able to sleep, with you by my side."

His words made her heart skip a beat.

"I didn't ask if you slept, actually. I asked how were you feeling."

"Hmm." L didn't answer. He sipped on his tea.

His dark hair fell to his forehead, and Fay noticed how he changed position, drew his knees close to his chest.

"I'm sorry." Fay blurted out, blushing. "You don't need to tell me. I know you don't like to talk about stuff like that, and-"

"No, it's alright I _feel_ …" he hesitated, as if the word was unfamiliar to his lips. "I feel… gratified."

"Gratified?"

"Yes. And unwound."

"I take, that's a good thing?"

He placed his tea cup onto the nightstand, his moves delicate and slow, and when he turned his eyes back at Fay, they were dark and huge, their pupils dilated.

"Last night was beautiful, Fay. It brought me peace, unlike I've ever felt before."

Fay couldn't find her words.

What can you say to something like that?

She had slept with a lot of guys, some had loved her, some hadn't, but none of them had told her, that making love with her had brought them peace.

Gently she placed her trembling hand on his knee, and felt how he relaxed. He let her push his legs down, to make room for her to climb onto his lap.

She loved the way his lips tasted of strong English Tea, as she kissed him.

His hands, his long, delicate fingers were on her thighs, and his lips opened for her. The sound he made, when she leaned forward and shifted her weight on his lap, was dry and hoarse, it came from deep in his throat, and sent shivers through her feverish body.

Had she thought she'd known something of need before, she'd been mistaken.

The years without L had been easy. This, this moment, was excruciating.

She had known nothing.

But L's hands stopped on her hips, and she gasped as a sudden pain flashed through her core.

"Fay, what's this?" L's voice was stern and urgent. "Is that your blood?"

 _Damn it, damn you should've changed the bandages before making the tea!_

"It's nothing." Fay muttered, and buried her face to his neck. His scent of tea and sugar made her high headed.

"Stop that, and look at me, Felicity." L ordered, and she had to obey.

Reluctantly she stopped kissing his neck, and brought her face up to meet his gaze.

"It's nothing, really. Just the stupid gun wound. I'll put a new bandage on it later, I swear."

"You are bleeding." he had stopped touching her. His face was pale, his eyes huge. "You were not yesterday, but now you are. What we did last night, caused this to happen. You are hurting because I-"

"No!" Fay tried, but it's hard to argue with a super genius. "Well, _maybe_ … But it's no biggie, I swear. It was totally worth it!"

"You will clean the wound and change the bandage now. Or you will let me do it. And there will be no more straining you today."

"Straining?" Fay groaned in despair. "Seriously? You call sex 'straining me'?"

"In lack of a better word, yes."

"Oh, I can think of a better word. How about fucking? Love making? Shagging? Humping? _Jazzing_ -?"

"Jazzing? I am confident, that means playing a certain kind of music, and not-" L frowned. "Fay, you are trying to change the subject."

But she was succeeding in it, for she felt something hard under her, pressing against her crotch, and L's hands seemed to have forgotten that he had told her there wouldn't be sex, for they moved to her shoulders, to her arms, and kept feeling the silkiness of her skin.

"I'm gonna _jazz_ you so bad, you won't know what hit you, Lawliet." she murmured, and leaned to kiss him again - but this time his hands stopped her.

"Please, don't!" He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her further. "I mean… please, take care of that wound first."

"First wound, then jazz?" Fay raised an eyebrow. "Fine, as you wish. But I swear if you leave, while I'm in the bathroom, I'll never forgive you!"

* * *

It turned out L didn't leave.

When Fay returned to the bedroom, he was still in the bed, laying on his back, staring at the roof.

He was so beautiful, it took her breath away.

Slowly she walked to him, stopped by the bed, and raised the hem of her nightgown, to show him the clean, white bandage on her left hip.

"See? All better now." she said with a smile. "No need to worry."

L gave a sigh, and rolled to his side.

"I always worry." he said matter of factly. "It is an old habit, hard to get rid of."

"I know." Fay said, and sat down on the bed.

She removed her nightgown, the unicorn T-shirt, and let it fall to the floor. The cool air of the bedroom made her shiver, and her heart was pounding.

"Felicity…" L sighed.

"Hush." she breathed, and laid down by his side. "You talk too much. Just kiss me."

But he didn't. He leaned closer to her, she felt his breathing on her face, tasted the tea and the sugar, and her mouth watered, but he didn't kiss her.

"You being shot was the… worst moment of my life. The more I think about it, the more I'm certain that you should not be here. I want you to leave, Fay. I want you to go home, to Wammy's house, and wait for me there."

"Not this horse-shit again!?" Fay snapped. "We went through this already! I'm not going anywhere, and you're a _moron_ to even suggest it, on a moment like this-"

"A moment like this, when just laying with me makes you bleed and hurt?" Something dark flashed in his otherwise cool voice. "I don't want it, if it causes you pain."

" _It doesn't._ What causes me pain, is you being an idiot and refusing me, while I'm naked in your arms!"

"Why cannot you _ever_ do as you're told, Felicity? Just once?"

L's voice was desperate, but it didn't soften Fay's heart.

"Well, maybe you're telling me the wrong things! Try telling me to suck your dick, and I'll obey in a heartbeat!"

L made a low growl, that told Fay she had won.

She ran her fingers through the mess of his hair, let her touch glide downwards, feeling his long neck, the sharp bones of his spine. He shivered under her touch, his muscles went tense and tight.

He pulled her near and kissed her.

Christ, it felt like falling! Fay's head was spinning the moment their lips met!

His hand moved on her skin aimlessly, his fingertips gliding on her collarbones, then moving downwards, stopping on her breasts.

His touch was light as a feather, his fingers cool, almost cold. Her nipples reacted instantly, and turned hard so fast that it almost hurt. She gasped, surprised by the sensation, and broke the kiss.

"Why do the do that?" L asked, confused. "It's fascinating."

"I don't know. They just react to your touch."

"Hmmm." he pulled his fingers to his lips, started biting his thumb. "Is it a good thing, or a bad thing?"

She couldn't help but to laugh.

"A good, definitely."

"Oh. And what if I do this?" he asked, and his lips were on her nipple, sucking on it, and she felt his tongue - that tongue that could tie cherry stems on a knot.

Fay gasped.

"Christ!" she laughed. "Damn, L! Stop teasing me already!"

"I was teasing you? I didn't know that." he seemed genuinely apologetic. "I am sorry if I did."

"Com'ere." Fay reached to touch his hair, pulled him closer. "Kiss me."

And he did, first slow, his tongue feeling her lips - but as she opened them for him, the kiss soon grew more passionate, and she felt the need awakening in her belly again.

Would she never get enough of him?!

"I want you." she breathed into the kiss. "I want you so much, Lawliet-"

He answered by kissing her harder, his tongue finding hers, he pinned her down on the bed by rolling on top of her - and making it obvious to her, she wasn't the only one wanting.

And just then his cell phone rang.

He froze, and broke the kiss.

"L, don't." Fay breathed. Her chest was heaving, her heart racing. "Don't answer it."

But his mind was already elsewhere. She could see it in his eyes, from the way he glanced at the phone, and she knew it was over.

L sat up, taking the phone, and answered it.

* * *

The phone call had been a short one, but long enough to break everything.

Fay lay on the bed on her stomach, feeling miserable. L was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at his phone, and Fay felt he was as far away from her as the moon in the sky.

"Please, don't go." she pleaded. "I _need_ you, I need to-"

"Fay, do not beg." L didn't look at her, as reaching for his shirt that lay on the floor. "I must go, you know it. I cannot stay here now, knowing that I am needed elsewhere."

Fay rolled onto her side, and hid her face to the pillow. She knew she was being childish, but she couldn't help it. She wanted to take it out on him, but she knew there was no point. He'd go anyways.

"Fine." she managed to say. "Then go already."

He was silent for a few heartbeats.

"You told me last night that you loved me. Is that really so?" he asked.

Her heart jumped.

"You know it is."

"If it is so, that you have loved me for some time, then I can only suspect that it is for my… personality. And so, you would not love me if I was anything else. Thus, you must accept that I cannot stay. It simply is not something I would do."

"Reasoning your way out of this, are you?" Fay muttered, but she couldn't help a small smile. "Fine, you got me there. Go on, already, Sherlock. I'll be there soon too. But before you go… just tell me-"

"What, Felicity?"

"What made you change your mind?" she asked. "Why did you come to me last night?"

"Because…" he paused to pull on his jeans, and to stand up. "I kept hearing the bells."


	18. Chocolate

**Another flashback! I beg of you, please review - if you want to know how things continue in the present!**

* * *

She is seventeen years old.

The night is quiet, and the darkness that surrounds her is safe and soft like red wine.

She slips out of Eric's room after he's fallen asleep.

No matter how nice the sex, she never stays for the night. There's only one boy in Wammy's house, with whom Fay would stay until the morning, and with him, there's no sex.

And there aren't that many nights of any kind, with him, lately.

Fay can't help to wonder if it's because of the choices she's made.

Even now, still feeling the stickiness of Eric's cum on her thighs, under her jeans, she can't help but to wonder if L knows where she's been, what she's done. Why is it that she can't stop thinking about him, even when she's fucking other guys? Or _especially_ then.

They never talk about it, but L must know she's slept with practically every guy in this house. Not that there are that many of them, for she won't touch the kids, and everyone who's younger than she is, is a kid. And some of the older too.

So actually, she's only slept with Eric, Sizzle and Terra. And a few more, but they don't live here anymore. And of those, she prefers Eric. He's good in bed (for a teenager), and he doesn't talk.

Though, all the guys in Wammy's house are smart enough not to talk. They all know the sex will end the minute Roger or Watari finds out.

So, she's not surprised the guys have kept silent. What's surprising is that the girls haven't told on her. Girls are always jealous and they always judge - that's Fay's experience. That's why she doesn't have any girlfriends. Girls can't be trusted.

Though, she doesn't trust the boys either. It's safer not to trust anyone.

Except for L.

She'd trust her life in his hands, and they both know it.

Fay stops on the dark hallway, and pulls on her sweater. It's november, and even inside Wammy's house, it's cold. There is no other place as cold, as an English house in the winter. Fay wishes she could take a hot shower, but she can't. Not until morning, for it would wake everyone up and that's the last thing she wants.

It would be a shame to get caught and kicked out of Wammy's for breaking the rules. Fay knows well enough, she has no other home to go to. And to get thrown out of here for someone like Eric…? Out of the question.

So no showers at night time.

She's been doing this for more than a year now - having sex with the boys.

It's something she can't help, really.

They don't keep alcohol in Wammy's house, there's no way to get a cigarette - not to mention weed. Fay does have some prescribed benzos that make her feel all warm and fuzzy, but she only gets them in 15 pill packs, and only one package per month (for emergencies only, the doctor says), so they don't help that much.

So she's had to find another way to unwind.

To forget.

The great thing about sex, is that it's not just an escape of the reality. It's also a tool.

Sometimes Fay doesn't even sleep with the guys. She just teases them, or gives them a blowjob, or a handjob. She doesn't do that for pleasure, but for power.

It's something, to feel - even for a short moment - that someone _needs_ you. That someone needs you more, than you need them.

That's why she's sneaking out of Eric's room in the middle of the night.

She likes to imagine how he wakes up later, tries to feel her by his side, but she's not there. He needs her, but she's has chosen not to be there for him.

Doesn't that mean she has power over him?

She walks the dark corridor, without a sound. No one can walk as silently as Fay can. She has the steps of a cat - that's what L said to her once, when they were kids and when they used to sneak out together.

That's all gone now, of course. They never do that anymore. But still she remembers that, every time she walks on the pitch black hallway. How L reached for her hand, and whispered: "You walk like a cat. Can you see in the darkness too?"

She can't, of course. No one can. But she doesn't have to see in the dark to know her way around these hallways.

Three sharps knocks on a large, wooden door. Fay waits in the dark.

A click, as someone opens the lock. Fay pushes the door handle, and the door opens without a sound.

She doesn't ask if she can enter - if L opened the lock, it means she can.

It's almost as dark in the room, as it was in the corridor. Only the blue light of the computer screen illuminates this 'cave' - not even street light enters through the thick curtains he keeps closed day and night.

L's already back in his chair, crouching and hugging his knees, staring at the computer, as Fay enters.

"What are you working on?" she asks.

"I'm not working. It's something else." L says silently, not turning his gaze from the screen.

Fay walks closer, to take a look. There's a picture of a church, a black and white photograph, and some small print text. An old newspaper article.

"I've got chocolate." she says, and pulls the bar from her pocket.

That stirs his interest. He shuts down the computer screen, and turns around. "What kind of chocolate?"

"The kind you like." she grins.

He follows her to the bed - no one's slept in it for a long time, it seems - and they both sit down on it. It's unnerving to be this close to L, to be on the bed with him - it's so damn rare these days - but she tries to act all normal.

She's lucky he let her in at all.

She wonders if he can smell Eric on her, but he says nothing of it, he acts like everything is like it has always been. Again Fay wonders if he really doesn't know about her and the guys, or if he just doesn't care. She suspect's it's the latter. It has to be, for L knows everything.

But it hurts her, that he doesn't care.

She hands him the chocolate, to see his smile - but there is none.

"Why so serious?" she asks. "The chocolate's all for you. You don't need to share."

L accepts the gift and with great finesse opens the wrapping, breaks the chocolate into pieces and picks one.

"I tried to find you today." he says after a while, his mouth full of chocolate. "I wanted to go for a walk, but you weren't in your room."

Fay's heart jumps.

"At what time?"

"Ten am."

"Oh. I was at Ms. Aswany's algebra group. They changed the time."

L shrugs, and eats some more chocolate.

"Okay. It does not matter now, anyways."

"We can go for a walk tomorrow." She suggests, but sees from his eyes that it's not what he wants. She waits for a while, but he says nothing, just munches the chocolate and stares at the closed curtains.

"Why did you want to go out?" she asks finally, to fill the silence.

"No reason."

Like he'd do stuff for no reason.

"No, come on. Tell me." she insists. "I brought you chocolate and all."

He gives a sigh, a sign of surrender. He knows Fay is stubborn when she wants to be.

"There was a funeral." he says. "At the nearby church. I wanted to walk past, and just watch it."

"Why would you want to see someone's funeral, L?" Fay asks, suddenly worried. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine, Fay."

A short silence.

"Okay, if you say so."

Another silence, a longer one. L keeps eating his chocolate, his thin, long fingers choosing one piece after another, like each and every one of them is a small miracle.

"It's been ten years." he finally says. His voice is so quiet she can hardly hear him.

"Oh…" she replies. She get's his meaning immediately. But what can you say to something like that? They are all orphans here.

"Do you know why I was reading that article?" he asks, turning his huge eyes to her. "On the computer?"

"No. Why?"

"To remember. Isn't it weird that I don't remember anything about that day? It must have been different than anything before that, but still… almost nothing."

"It's not weird. It's perfectly normal. I don't remember anything either." Fay says, to reassure him. That's a lie, though. She just wishes she didn't remember.

But L shakes his head, he seems displeased in her answer, and that makes Fay feel like she's failed him.

"That's because you were so young, Fay. You were six. I was almost nine when I got here."

"Still, it's just the way mind works, I guess."

L doesn't reply anything to that, just a shrug as if the matter is indifferent to him. But the silence between them is good. It's the same kind of silence as there was under the table when they were kids. It's that kind of silence that doesn't need filling.

They sit side by side for a long time, and Fay listens to the wind that makes the windows and corners of this old house weep.

"I do have one memory, though." L suddenly says, startling her.

She turns to face him.

"What's that?"

"The bells." he states. "I remember it was snowing, and the sound of the bells was so loud it hurt."

Fay doesn't say a thing, but she reaches over and takes his hand. His fingers are cold, but he entwines them with hers, filling her restless heart with peace.

"It's snowing outside right now, you know." she whispers.

"It is?"

"Uh-huh." she nods. "You'd know if you opened the curtains."

L shrugs. "It interferes with my reasoning."

"Whatever." she gives him a sideways smile "You wanna sneak out and make snow angels?"

His panda eyes widen on a way she finds super cute.

"Are you serious? You are aware you could get kicked out of her, for sneaking out in the middle of the night?"

Fay winks at him. "What's a better reason to get kicked out, than snow angels?"


	19. Strawberries

**Thank you so much for reading, and please, if you like - review!**

 **Special thanks to Philosofox, Saffronellen, JacksonR'sGirl and hpfan59 for your amazing reviews! You don't know how much they inspire me, how much I appreciate every word you wrote. Thank you so much! (And everyone, check out Philosofox's story 'Lie to Me' - it's by far the best L fanfic I've ever read.)**

* * *

 **October 31st, 2004**

It was a strange morning.

Knowing your life had changed forever - and realizing that no one else knew, that everyone thought it was the same world it had always been. Even though Fay felt it in every cell of her being - that the sun was brighter, the air fresher, the colours more deep and the coffee more savoury than it had ever been before - to everybody else, nothing had changed.

Fay felt like she was in the Sound of Music. Like she'd burst into singing any second.

She wondered if L felt it too. Not the urge to sing, obviously, but the change. That even the molecules of air were easier to breath, than the day before.

It was impossible to tell, with him.

He looked just the same as always.

Leafing through the pages of the Death Note, asking questions of Rem, staring into the emptiness while silently popping strawberries into his mouth - his face the mask of indifference and gloominess.

Fay bet no one had a clue of what had happened last night.

But Fay _knew_.

She knew the shades of his pale, smooth skin, that was like ivory silk - she knew the lines of his sharp bones and the lean muscles, his slightly sunken abdomen between the high arcs of his hipbones. She remembered the narrowness of his hips between her thighs, the shadows under his collarbones. The movement of his adam's apple under her lips, the tremor of his voice, as he sighed her name in the darkness.

"Fay, are you listening?"

Startled, she turned her eyes off L, and blinked a few times.

Christ, there was Matsuda, standing by her side - and she had no idea for how long he had been talking to her.

"Oh, I'm sorry." she blushed fiercely. "I was… just… nothing. What did you say?"

"That I'm going to have lunch. Would you like for me to get you some?"

They'd had lunch together the past few days. Fay hadn't felt up to walking out of the building, her gun wound still healing, so Matsuda had picked something up, and they had eaten together in one of the common rooms of this building.

He had taken such good care of here after the incident in Yotsuba, that it made Fay feel guilty. It seemed Matsuda was still clinging to his idea, that she had taken the bullet for _him_.

"Thanks, but no thanks." she managed to reply. "I'm not hungry."

"You should eat. You're still officially on sick leave, the wound won't heal unless you take care of yourself."

"I just had breakfast." Fay shrugged. "It was a late morning."

Matsuda gave her a dubious look.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "You look… different. Is it the wound? Is it hurting again?"

So, he noticed something was off. Did he notice that the whole world had turned upside down, or that it was just her? And should she tell him, why?

Probably not, she decided. Glancing at L, she suddenly felt uncertain if there was anything to tell anyways. They hadn't really talked about what would happen after last night.

"Matsu, please. I'm fine." she assured, trying to sound as normal as possible. "Try worrying a little less for me, okay?"

"Oh, okay." he blushed. "Just tell me if… if there's anything you need."

"Sure. Thanks for the offer, though."

Matsuda gave a nod, but with a glance that made it obvious, he suspected something was wrong.

Fay turned her gaze back to L - and for a moment their eyes met. Something flashed in his huge, dark saucer eyes - a shadow of an emotion, and Fay felt it as heat on her cheeks.

"On second thought, Matsu." she said. "I think I'll walk with you. Fresh air will do me good."

Spending a day in a closed room with L would no doubt cause her a heart attack.

* * *

She only returned to the HQ when it was past 9 pm, hoping that she'd find L alone. No such luck, though. He was still working - and so was everyone else on the team. Rem, the shinigami, stood in the corner, Light leaned back in his chair looking bored and the rest of the team sat around a low table a bit further. Matsuda looked up from his papers, and gave her a smile - his cheeks blushing, which made Fay immediately feel guilty.

Why wasn't it enough for him that they'd spent the lunch hour together today? Would he ever be satisfied on being just friends with her?

To avoid his gaze, she turned her eyes to L.

"Still working?"

"Yes." L answered, not turning to look at her.

"Anything I could help with?"

"There is something…" he muttered, crunching a chocolate chip cookie at the same time. "...something I cannot quite put my finger into. This does not make sense."

"Hm?" Fay walked closer, and leaned to look at the book. "What's that?"

"The rules. I still keep thinking that…" but he stopped mid sentence, and gave a resign sigh. He turned to look at her, his dark saucer eyes boring through her soul, and she went weak in the knees. "Was there something you wanted, Fay? Forgive me, that I have been absent minded."

She blushed. She couldn't help it, really. His scent of vanilla and cotton and chocolate chip cookies and strawberries surrounded her, making her dizzy.

"Nothing. I just… It's late and, I… well, I'm going to bed."

"Yes, alright." he turned to look at the team. "There is no need for everyone to work this late. You should all do the same."

Fay bit her lip. It felt like talking to a kid - how could he be this slow?

Or didn't he want to come with her, was that it? Did he not wish to continue what they had started this morning?

They had not talked about it. He had promised her nothing.

Fay leaned closer, and laid her hand on his shoulder - which made him startle and turn towards her.

"I'm going to _bed_." she said, staring him in the eye. "Are you coming with me, Ryuzaki?"

"Oh. Oh!" And suddenly he seemed to remember. His eyes went wide, and there was a slight blush in his pale cheeks. "I… Yes. Yes, I am." A short pause. "Um… Chief Yagami, will you take care of the notebook for the night?"

The older man cleared his throat. "Of… of course, Ryuzaki."

"Good, thank you." L said, and besides the slight blush on his cheeks, he already seemed back to normal. "Oh. And do not call me, not unless it's a matter of life and death."

He stood up, and took her hand, their fingers entwining.

Fay felt the blush creeping up to her face, her heart was in her throat. Just a touch of his long, slender fingers on hers, and she went short of breath.

 _Do not call me_ , he had said. _Do not call._

He didn't want interruptions this time.

And he had taken her hand in front of everybody.

Fay tried to avoid everyone's eyes as walking through the room, but made the mistake to look up right before they stepped out of the door.

Light was following them with his gaze, narrowed eyes and a look that was chilling. But what really hurt Fay, were Matsuda's eyes - like shattering glass that cut through her heat.

* * *

"I'm sorry that I took your hand in front of Matsuda-san." L said as soon as they were out of the room. "It was something I shouldn't have done. I apologize if I have messed something up."

Fay turned to look at him.

"Why would you say something like that?"

"I noticed his… disappointment on the matter."

"Well, he can be as disappointed as he want's to be." Fay shrugged, even if she did feel a bit bad for Matsu. "I've told him I'm not interested. If he can't take the message-"

"Oh." L said, and something in his tone made Fay frown.

"Oh, what?"

"Nothing."

"No, tell me." Fay said. "What did you mean by that 'oh'?"

Was it possible, or was L really blushing now. He turned his eyes away from her, looking at the ceiling as if there was something really interesting in there. He stuffed his hands deep in his pockets.

"I just assumed." he said silently. "That you two were…. um… close."

Fay blinked a few times.

"You thought I was sleeping with him."

L's silence was all the answer she needed. Fay took a step back, suddenly tasting anger on her lips.

"Gods!" she snapped. "What do you take me for? I left everything to be here! I left everything for you, and you think that I jump into the bed with any guy who winks his eye at me?"

"I am sorry, Fay. I-"

"Jesus!" she cursed, turning her back at him. "It's like I'm eighteen again."

A moment's silence.

"You are right, Fay." his resigned voice said behind her. Very close to her. "It was childish of me to make that assumption."

"Yes it was. You're a jerk."

"I am not a jerk." L noted. "I've never thought any less of you, because of your sexual behaviour."

 _Your sexual behaviour?_ His analytical words hurt even worse than the hidden meaning behind them.

"That's not entirely true though, is it?" she asked, through her teeth.

She clenched her fists, digging her nails to her palms.

* * *

She is eighteen years old.

The light that falls to his face through the linen curtains is so pure, it makes his skin look like ivory. His lips are slightly parted, he smells of cotton and vanilla and tea, and Fay feels like she's falling.

Her fingers feel the sharp line of his jaw, almost brush his beautiful lips. And the words she's kept locked in her heart for so long, suddenly burst out of her, and she can't stop them.

"I think I'm in love with you."

His eyes go wide, and he freezes.

"Fay, what-?"

"I'm in love with you." she breaths. "I love you."

He is out of the bed in a heartbeat, backing away from her until his back meets the opposite wall. He sticks his thumb into his mouth, panic in his huge saucer eyes.

"But…" he stammers. "But… what about Eric?"

Fay feels like he's hit her. All air leaves her lungs.

"What about him?"

"Or Sizzle?" he goes on. "Or Terra? Or-"

"Shut up! I… I don't-" She tries to hide her pain from him, but there are tears in her eyes, and she feels like choking. "I don't-"

"You have been… _seeing_ them, haven't you?" L says, trying to sound cool, but Fay hears how his voice trembles. "Eric the most, if I'm correct. At least twice a week these last months. It was so often, that I assumed you had feelings for _him_ , not for… me."

That last word is nothing but a whisper.

L sticks his thumb deep into his mouth, his other hand in the pocket of his PJ pants. He's not meeting her eyes, and every inch of his posture tells of his despise. He's almost shaking, and Fay know's it's because he can't even watch her.

She's never felt this dirty before.

Like she's something disgusting.

A slut.

She's an idiot! As if he'd want the love of someone like that.

"I think it would be best if you left." he says silently. "For the both of us."

Tears burn in her eyes, they taste like steel and blood and broken glass, and it's hard to breath. Every breath feels like she's swallowing daggers.

"Fine." she exhales. "Just tell me… tell me, you don't love me, and I'll go."

"I don't love you, Fay. Not like that."

That's the last thing they say to each other before the night she leaves Wammy's house two months later.

* * *

"You wanted me to leave. Because I'd slept with the guys at Wammy's house. You thought I was a-"

She hid her face from him, staring at the wall. Damn, there was something in her eyes, she had to blink to stop the tears from falling.

"Is that what you-?" L stopped mid sentence. And then a silence, a rather long one. Fay could only hear her own, uneven breathing.

"You thought I wanted you to leave because of _that_?" he finally said.

He placed his hands on her shoulders, and slowly turned her around.

He wasn't blushing anymore, on the contrary, he was very pale. His eyes were huge, their pupils black like the space, and Fay could have sworn she saw stars and galaxies in them.

"It wasn't?"

"No, it wasn't." he said, his voice low and soft. His hands were still on her shoulders, just resting there, but still Fay felt the intensity of his touch, like electric current, even through her clothes.

"Then why?"

"Because I…" he hesitated, his eyes evaded Fay's.

"Tell me. Tell me now, " she snapped. "or I swear, I'll leave again."

"Because I... " a sigh, a nervous breath. "...I was scared."

She raised her hand, to touch his cheek. To force him to look her in the eye.

"Scared of what?"

It was obvious that words didn't come easily for him now. She could feel his anxiety, as tension in her own body. The air felt like it did on Wammy's house, in August, right before a huge thunderstorm struck.

"Scared of falling in love with you." he breathed.


	20. Nutella

**Guys, thank you soooo much for your reviews! I appreciate them more than words can tell. It is because of you, that I made sure to find time today, to update. Keep on reviewing, and I'll keep on writing!**

 **Some serious smuttiness in this chapter, hope you like it. ;D**

* * *

 **October 31st, 2004**

" _Scared of falling in love with you."_

The sadness of his words pierced her heart, and Fay knew - he was still afraid.

He was still fighting not to fall.

"You fool." she breathed. "I'm so mad at you right now."

And then, she kissed him.

A gasp escaped his lips into her mouth, and he startled, his muscles went tight and tense - but he didn't stop her. After a heartbeat or so, he relaxed, his hands on her shoulders softened, and moved to her back, pulling her close.

She felt a shiver going through his spine, her lips opened for him, and suddenly his mouth was all hungry and needing on hers. His tongue found hers, and his taste of strawberries and chocolate chip cookies filled her senses, making her high headed.

He pushed her back against the wall, with a growl, his fingers gripping hard on the softness of her curves.

The need she had tried to suppress all day long, lit up like a torch and she was burning. His hands on her skin were pure need, the sounds he made when kissing her, the dry, raspy breaths of wanting, pulled her thoughts to last night, and a flash of arousal struck through her core.

Christ, she needed him so bad it was all but ridiculous!

Fay wrapped her arms around his neck, and succumbed to the kiss, letting L pin her between the wall and his body - his lean, tight abdomen against her own, and -

Fay gasped feeling the hard bulge in his pants, pressing against her.

She reached down, palming him through the fabric of his jeans, making him groan out loud.

"Fay…!" his voice was stretched and dry, it got caught to his throat. "Not… here!"

"You're…" she kissed him again, sucking his lower lip into her mouth. "...right. Yes..." Another kiss. "...not here."

He let go of her, panting. His chest was heaving with deep breaths, and his pupils were huge, almost completely filling his irises.

"Should we go to my room?" he managed. "Or yours?"

"Does it matter?"

She leaned closer, to brush her lips against his, which made him let out a whiny sound, like a soft moan, or a cry.

"No, it doesn't. Not really. I just-"

"I have cake."

"Oh. Your room, in that case."

Fay smiled. She gripped his hand, and led him through the corridors.

* * *

The second the door closed behind her back, his lips were on hers again, and Fay's fingers were back where they were supposed to be - feeling his thick, rock hard erection through the pants.

"Fay… are… you not mad at me anymore?"

"Oh, I'm mad at you, alright." another kiss, one that left them both breathless. "You're an idiot!"

"I don't get that a lot."

"Moron."

"Fay…!"

"I hate you." she exhaled. "For not telling me!"

Her hands were on the buttons of his jeans, and they trembled as she opened them with haste, kneeling on the floor before him.

As she pressed her face to the front of his boxers, to inhale his scent of milk and honey, cotton and salt, the hot, billowy need inside of her flooded her senses leaving her infatuated. It was as if she was high on him. He was the best drug she had ever tried, and she had tried many.

L made a sound that was half sob, half whimper, as Fay slid down his jeans and boxers, revealing what was inside.

"Fay… you don't have to-" L began, but his words turned into a wordless moan as she palmed him.

"I know. But I _want_ to.".

 _Christ, it's so damn beautiful!_

 _I want him inside of me, every way I can think of!_

Trying not to rush, Fay let her fingers glide on his length, spreading the slickness on it. It was long and thick, and swollen, rising against his tight abdomen. A wave of anticipation and arousal flushed through Fay's core, and her mouth watered.

Damn, she had wanted this for as long as she could remember!

A few slow, leisurely licks on the underside of his cock, her tongue following the pulsing veins. L groaned, and shivered, making a hoarse, animal sound.

"You liking this?" Fay breathed, giving him a glance through her lashes.

A rhetorical question, sure. Every inch of L's shaft in her hands, every raspy breath he took, told her just how much he liked what she was doing to him.

"I think..." (a shaky breath) "...that is…" (a moan) "... very pleasing."

Fay chuckled.

"Then why don't you grab my hair, lover? Because I haven't even started with you yet."

He did, as she'd asked - pushing his long, delicate fingers into her curls. She felt them trembling, as he gripped hard on her.

And she took him into her mouth, making him groan. The raw, throaty sound that was born deep inside of his chest, made Fay totally lose her balance.

Damn, the noises he made! She was wet just for listening!

She gave it the best she could - and as in many things, Fay thought, that in this one too, it takes practice to be perfect. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all, that she'd spent her teenage years swapping guys. She had learnt a thing or two on the way, and by the sound of it, L was liking what she was giving him.

It wasn't just the dull back and forth, she used her tongue and lips too, sucking and kissing and caressing his whole length. And every now and then, there was a hint of teeth at the base of his cock - just enough to make him gasp and growl, but not enough to hurt him. And soon his hips answered to her moves, the head of his cock hitting her throat with every thrust.

She loved this.

She _loved_ his taste that filled her mouth. It was sweet, as she'd guessed - a mix of sugar and salt and musk, and she yearned for it in a primitive way that made her shiver.

She wanted for him to come into her mouth, so that she'd know how his cum tasted too.

"Fay…!" L rasped. "Felicity, please, I can't… You need to stop!"

She pulled her head back, and let his shaft out of her mouth with a wet popping noise, giving him the most innocent grin she managed.

"Oh, why is that?"

"Because…!" his voice was nothing but a sob, he was a shivering mess in her hands - her hands that still kept caressing him.

"I don't mind if you come in my mouth." she breathed, and as if to prove her point she let the tip of her tongue circle around the slick head of his cock. "In fact, I like it."

But L grabbed her shoulders, and gently pushed her away. In a heartbeat he was on his knees on the floor too, and his lips were on hers.

The kiss was every bit as hot and needy, as the ones she'd given to him.

"I don't want it like that." he broke the kiss. "I want-"

His hands were on her shoulders, gliding down to her back, and Fay melted under his touch. His fingers gripped tight on her waist, pulled her so close to him that she felt with agonizing clarity his erection pressing on her abdomen.

"-I want _you_. I want it, like we did last night."

His huge eyes bore right through her soul, and her heart jumped to her throat.

"Yeah." it was more a moan than a word. "Okay, baby. I'm here, I'm-"

But her words were lost, as he kissed her again, his tongue entering her mouth and finding hers.

The kiss was so raw, so rough and desperate, that it took her breath away, and made her weak all over. She had to wrap her hands around his neck, not to faint, and she wasn't sure how they ended up on the floor - Fay on her back, L on top of her, his lips still devouring hers.

Fay was pretty sure no boy or man, had ever wanted her this bad.

It sure as Hell had never been like this with Césaire - or with _anyone_.

She felt like she was about to die. She was sure her heart would give in any second, it simply wasn't possible for it to beat this fast and not to break. There was a void inside of her gut, a hollow ache that needed to be filled, or else she _knew_ , she'd lose her mind.

"Oh, please…!" she whimpered, as his gentle hands pulled down her jeans and her underwear. "I _need_ you, I need you so much, I need you to take me baby, please-"

Her legs were shaking as he opened her thighs with his cool fingers, pulled her legs apart. She heard the sound that left her throat, but it was like she heard it from afar - the wordless cry of pure wanting.

And then his lips were on her crotch, and her brain was about to explode.

"Lawliet, Christ…!" she shrieked, feeling his mouth on her.

He jerked back immediately.

"Is it… I'm sorry, did I do something wrong? Do you not wish for me to-"

"No, _please_ do!" she let her fingers caress his hair, follow the sharp line of his jaw.

"Oh." he breathed. And then his lips were back on her, and she felt like falling off a cliff.

That tongue that could tie cherry stems into a knot.

He had showed that trick to Fay once, when they'd been teenagers. She'd been probably 16 years old, and already in love with him.

It had haunted her ever since. The thought of the things he could do with that mouth.

It turned out, Fay's imagination had not done justice to the real thing.

There were no tricks, no rehearsed moves, no acting, no trying. His tongue on her sensitive flesh was pure lust.

So, maybe it was possible to be perfect without practice?

 _How on Earth can he be this good!_

It was different than anything she had ever felt. He wasn't desperately trying to please her - it was more like he was exploring her with his mouth. He was tasting her, as if she was something delicious, he was drinking her, sucking and kissing her, _feeling_ her with his tongue.

It sent her moaning and sobbing, crying out loud, her hands digging deep into his hair, gripping hard on the black strands, sweat dribbling on her overheated skin.

"Ohmygodlawliet, ohmygod I'mgonna-!"

And Fay came so hard, her mind exploded.

* * *

When she finally came to, she realized her cheeks were wet from tears. She was shivering, from head to toe, her body all weak and faint in L's arms.

He was lying on top of her, holding her face in his hands. His eyes were huge, the look in them bewildered, almost scared - as if he was silently asking ' _Did I do that?_ '

Fay took a few shaky breaths. Her head was still spinning.

"You taste like the ocean." L whispered.

Fay couldn't help a small laughter "Well, what did you expect, genius? Nutella?"

He blinked his huge panda eyes.

"Now, there's a thought."

 _Nutella. Buy Nutella tomorrow!_ A voice screamed in Fay's mind, but she determinately pushed it away.

Instead she wrapped her arms around L's neck, pulling him closer.

"I love you." she breathed, her lips brushing his. "I love you so much."

But his only answer was a moan, as she wrapped her legs around his waist and let him enter her, push deep inside of her heat.

 _Damn, if this won't make him tell he loves you!_

Her tight, sensitive flesh felt with agonizing clarity every inch of his erection, as he thrusted deep, all the way to the hilt. Fay gasped, as sudden pain flashed through her before she adjusted - it felt like being sliced open.

"Fe… Felicity…!" he moaned.

She loved the way breath caught to his throat. How he couldn't even get one word out, without panting.

Fay kissed the base of his neck, tasting salt and sugar on his skin, the scent of vanilla and cotton filling her nostrils. L's other hand was in her hair, gripping hard on her curls now, but the other one was at her hip, feeling the curve of her backside, fingers digging into her skin - begging for her to give in to him, to let him set the pace.

"I'm yours…!" she encouraged him, by digging her heels to the back of his thighs. "You have me. I'm not going anywhere, honey, I'm here-"

"Ah, Fay, I-" he groaned. "- oh, Gods…! Oh, I love you!"

And with just a few deep, raw thrusts he came, burying himself in her.

* * *

The blissful afterglow of their lovemaking made Fay feel like she was walking on clouds.

Or more likely, lying on clouds, instead of the cold, tiled floor of her apartment. L lay by her side, sweat dribbling on his forehead, his chest still heaving with deep, fast breaths. It wasn't until now, that Fay realized he had never removed his shirt, and that even his jeans were still halfway on. And she was wearing half of her clothes too.

 _Damn. That was some real passion._

 _And - he said that he loved you!_

That last thought made Fay want to open a bottle of Champagne, and drink it while dancing around her flat, naked!

Better not to, though, she decided, and rolled to her side. She laid her hand gently on L's chest.

"What are you thinking?"

He didn't open his eyes. His beautiful lashes moved on the ivory skin of his cheeks.

"I'm thinking, that I finally understand why people do this."

"You get it now? Nice." Fay laughed.

"You are not mad at me anymore? For being an idiot-"

"Nah, I think you've made up for it." she smirked. "Time for cake, lover?"

His eyes popped open.

"Oh, God, yes please."

"I'm going to eat it off your naked body." Fay replied, without a blink. "So be warned."


	21. A piece of cake

**After the last chapter that was nothing but sex, I thought it was time for something different. I hope you like it, and please, review!**

* * *

October 31st, 2004

They sat on her bed, eating cake. Or more likely, L was eating cake and Fay was sipping on her champagne. She had never been a cake person herself - the strawberry and whipped cream delicacy waiting in her fridge had been all for L.

Fay glanced at L, who was leaning his back against the wall, his knees drawn close to his chest and the plate balanced on them. He was naked, but had covered the lower half of his body with a sheet.

The way he held the spoon by the tip of his fingers, was so endearing, Fay's heart skipped a beat.

It was still hard to believe that this was real. That he was actually here in her bed, eating cake - naked.

The rough way his hands had grabbed on her hips when they'd made love on the floor, had caused Fay's wound to hurt again - but she suppressed the pain by emptying her glass and reaching for the bottle, to fill it again. There was no way she'd let L know she was hurting! Otherwise he'd start talking about 'straining' again, and there would be no more sex tonight.

And Fay sure was hoping there would be, after the cake.

It had been just the second time they had made love, but already Fay felt addicted. But then again, she had always been addicted to L - one way or another.

She took a sip of her champagne, feeling the bubbles rising to her head. It tasted like night and high skies and Europe, and Fay knew she had never been this happy in her whole life.

"You know, last night…" she said. "When we first had sex, it wasn't the first time just for you."

L turned his huge dark eyes to hers.

"What do you mean, Fay?"

"Well, it was…" she felt blushing. "...the first time I've ever had sex with someone I'm in love with."

L was silent for a few heartbeats, and Fay didn't say a thing either, letting her words sink in.

"So…" he said, after a while. "All the boys in Wammy's house. Eric, and…"

"Yes."

"You were never in love with them."

"Uh-huh."

Another silence, a longer one. Fay watched how L stuck his thumb into his mouth and bit the edge of the nail. He seemed to have forgotten that he still had cake on his plate.

"Was it different?"

Fay made a small smile.

"It was. You have no idea, Lawliet."

He didn't reply anything, just looked at her, deep in the eye, and once again she felt like falling into them. The entire universe was in his eyes, and it brought Fay back to the night they'd sat together on the rooftop in Madrid and she had felt the warm wind on her skin, seen the stars in his eyes.

"Do you remember the Boissière -case?" L asked suddenly, startling her.

"Yeah, I do." Fay nodded. "Why do you ask?"

It had been a series of crimes to shock all France two years ago. 13 children, all under 7 years old, had been kidnapped and murdered in less than two months - the first body had been found from the Boissière metro station -hence the name of the case.

"You… you solved that one?" Fay asked. "I should have known."

"I did." L replied. "It was a difficult case, but the answer was simple in the end."

"You came to Paris because of that."

"Yes."

Fay could not say anything to that. Suddenly she felt betrayed. He had been to Paris, while she had been living there. And she'd known nothing of it. He had worked on a case in her hometown, with her oblivious to it.

L took a spoonful of his cake, and continued talking while eating it. "After the case was solved, I told Watari that I needed a day for myself. I came to the small street where you had an apartment, near the Arc-"

"-de Triomphe." Fay exhaled. "You came to my doorsteps and you didn't come to meet me?"

"I did." he swallowed the cake. The spoon made a cling as he placed on the now almost empty plate.

"But-"

"You were not home. No one was."

Fay stared at him blankly.

"You could have left a note."

"The thought crossed my mind. But what I wanted to say to you, could not be written down on a piece of paper. So I decided to wait. And I waited, outside, on the street. There was a small coffee shop, and I sat down in the terrace, drinking cafe au lait, and waiting for you to come home."

Fay could see it in her mind.

The narrow street, the adorable little cafeteria, the chairs and tables laid out on the pavement - she'd had her morning coffee there most days. The delicacies they served, that she'd always known L would love. She could see L crouching in his chair, eating a piece of cake after another, and waiting for her.

"What happened?" she asked finally, her voice breaking.

"You came home."

"And?"

"I could hear your voice from far away. The sound of your laughter… And I got up, to walk to meet you. I had planned it all in my head, what I would say to you. Thought of replies to every possible answer you could give me. But I…"

"I'm sorry." Fay breathed. "I'm sorry. I didn't see you."

"You looked so happy." His voice was thin, light like a feather. His fingers were aimlessly playing with the spoon. "You laughed, and he was holding his arm around you. I could not… I could not take that away from you."

He was silent for a moment, his eyes still staring into the past, into that late August night of Paris, two years ago.

"I knew you were living with a man, but I hadn't thought… that seeing you so happy with him, would feel like…."

"Like what?"

"Not good."

Fay had to take a long sip of her Champagne, to wash the bitter taste of regret off her lips.

L had come to search for her, two years ago. He had waited for her all day long, and she had walked right past him, without even noticing he was there. She had probably been too busy laughing at Césairs simple jokes, or kissing him.

That thought made her feel sick.

Had she known L was there… they could have been together for two years already.

"What were you going to say to me then?" she finally asked, turning her gaze to his eyes.

"It doesn't matter now, does it?"

"You know, it only would have taken one word from you, and I would have left him."

"You left him with one word from Watari."

"True."

A short silence. L picked the last crumbs of the cake with his fingers, licking them clean.

"Do you regret it?" he asked then, placing the plate on the nightstand. "Leaving him and coming here?"

"I regret causing him pain, nothing else."

"When this is over, Fay… If this ends badly. You can go back to him. I saw how he held you, he is the kind of man who will forgive you, and take you back."

Fay felt like she'd been hit.

"What are you talking about!? I'm not going to leave you, and I'm not going to go back to Césaire!"

He looked disappointed with her answer, and gave a long sigh.

"Fay, I know this thing is drawing near to the end. Either I will get Kira, or he will get to me, very soon. I can feel it, call it a hunch if you wish, you are fond of that word, but it is the truth. The end _is_ near, and it might not be what you are hoping for. I want to know you are taken care of, after-"

"No!" Fay snapped. "No way! No way in Hell I'm going to have this discussion! You are _not_ going to lose, you are _not_ going to die and I am _not_ going back to Césaire! I'm not a pet you can just push around, for someone else to take care of!"

He stuck his thumb into his mouth, and turned his eyes from hers, to the ceiling.

"You are angry at me."

"You bet I am, jackass!"

"I only want what's best for you. I do not want you to be alone if-"

"Shut up!" she stated "Besides, you _never_ lose! You're L!

"Is that why you love me? Because I always win?"

His words made her stop

She couldn't completely deny it. It _was_ a huge turn on that he was so smart. For Fay, brainy was sexy. And then there was the fact, that he was so successful. It was arousing to think, that from all the women in the world - and yes, L had fans, Fay had been in the internet - she was the one who got him.

But it wasn't the reason she loved him.

"No." She exhaled. "I love you because your soul resonates with mine."

He was silent for a few heartbeats, his dark eyes revealing nothing of his emotions.

"You know I don't believe in such a thing, as people having souls, Fay."

"Still? After meeting a shinigami?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure that has anything to do with souls."

"Then let me ask you, why do you love me? I know I'm not as smart as you are. I'm not a good person, and not even that pretty. Tell me why do you love me if it's not for my soul."

"Fay…" L seemed uncomfortable with her question. He kept biting the edge of his thumb on a nervous way. "I do not understand love. I cannot understand how it works. It is irrational, and I am not good with things I cannot reason."

"Fine." She sighed. "But you love me, right?"

"I do. And to me that means… wanting you to be safe. Fay, I want you to promise me something."

He took the glass of her hands and placed it on the night stand. Fay felt a shiver in her spine, as he laid his hand on her cheek, the long, cool fingers gently caressing her.

"What is it?" she asked. "What do you want me to promise?"

"That if this ends badly-"

"Oh, come on! Not _this_ crap again!"

"-you will seek safety in Europe. Go to Césaire-"

"Over my dead body!"

"-or go to Wammy's house. It should still be safe. Under no circumstances stay in Japan, even if Matsuda-san is here. He is a good man, and he might be able to protect you-"

"-I don't want him! This is ridiculous-!"

"-but it is unlikely he would ever turn against Light, which makes it impossible that you could stay with him. Japan will not be safe for you, when I am gone. You _must_ promise me that you will leave."

She gave him a stare that would have scared a lesser man witless. But L just ogled back at her, his huge eyes seemingly emotionless, his hand still on her cheek.

Fay took that hand, gripped it, their fingers entwining.

"I refuse to have this conversation." she stated very clearly. "I will _not_ plan the worst case scenario! If you die, I want to die with you!"

"Then you would kill the only thing I have ever loved."

Fay blinked a few times.

Trust L to say something so incredibly beautiful and tragic with one sentence.

"Oh fuck you, L. Lawliet." She breathed.

"Hmm." he sighed. "And I was rather hoping you would do that."


	22. Air

**This is a short one, but I hope you like it. Please, review! I live for your reviews, guys.**

* * *

 **November 1st, 2004**

When Fay woke up, the bed was empty.

Her first thought was, that it had all been a dream. The kisses, the lovemaking, his words 'I love you' - none of it had really happened.

Her eyes popped open, and she sat up with a scare - only to notice that someone had slept in the bed with her. The sheets were crumpled, and there was a dent on the pillow, where L's head had rested.

A relief washed over her like a wave, and she let out a trembling sigh.

It was real.

It had all really happened.

 _He loves you. Gods, he really loves you!_

Fay felt blushing, remembering L's words last night. When he had held her in his arms and said the words she'd longed to hear all her life.

But where was he?

She reached for her phone, that was on the nightstand - L's number was on speed dial.

"Yes." he replied, his tone cool and indifferent, as always.

"Good morning to you too, lover." Fay said. "Where are you?"

A short silence.

"On the roof."

Fay glanced at her watch. It wasn't even seven am yet. She frowned.

"At this time? Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine, Fay." but he didn't sound like it. There was a tense note in his voice, that told Fay he had just lied to her.

"I'm coming there." she said. "Just wait for me, okay?"

She stepped out of the bed into her sweatpants, and pulled on a sweater. It didn't take her more than five minutes to reach the rooftop.

* * *

L was standing on the roof terrace, his back towards the door, Tokyo at his feet and rising sun painting his dark hair with shades of red and gold.

For a short moment, the sheer beauty of the sight took Fay's breath away.

She couldn't believe he was really hers, and all that had happened felt like a dream again. In a heartbeat she was sixteen again, and in love with the greatest mind on Earth, knowing he could never love her back.

He turned around, and their eyes met. Fay felt falling into his gaze, as the love in his eyes restarted her heart.

"Come here." he said, and even if he was far away from her, the cool air carried his voice clearly.

Fay shivered as she walked across the rooftop to L.

"Why are you up at this time?" she asked, taking his hand. "Couldn't you sleep?"

"Oh, I slept." L said. His eyes were back on the horizon. "I just… thought I heard something."

"What did you hear?"

He shook his head, and turned his eyes to her.

"Is there a church nearby, Fay? I thought I heard the bells. The sound was so loud, it woke me up."

"There aren't that many churches here, L. Were in Tokyo… you'd be more likely to find a buddhist temple, or a shinto shrine."

He didn't answer. His eyes were huge and dark, and the look in them was… unnerving. Suddenly Fay felt uneasy in front of him. Something wasn't right.

"Besides, even if there was, they wouldn't ring the bells at this hour." she continued. "It's not even seven am. It must have been a dream."

"I do not think so. The sound was very clear, and I have heard it many times on these past few days."

Fay was silent for a while, feeling his palm against her own. The air was chilly, you could clearly feel the winter nearing, and Fay was shivering in her sweatshirt. She tried to listen, to hear what he had heard, but there was nothing. Just the buzzing of the awakening metropole, the never ending traffic, people on their way to work, cars and trains and motorbikes.

"Whatever it was, it's gone now." she said finally. "Or do you still hear it?"

L frowned, as if troubled, but in the end shook his head.

"No, I don't."

"Come on, let's go inside." she said. "It's really cold in here."

"Is it?" he replied, as if he hadn't noticed it before. Maybe he hadn't. He didn't seem bothered by the cold breeze, but noticing Fay's discomfort, he suddenly looked worried.

"Yeah. I don't want to get sick, even if I love being at a rooftop with you." she gave him a smile, gently pulling him towards the entrance. "I wondered if you knew this place existed."

"I knew." he replied. "I come here sometimes when I want to be alone. The HQ is always filled with people…"

"And other things too, lately." Fay raised an eyebrow. "Still can't believe we have a shinigami hanging around."

L didn't answer anything to that, but silently followed Fay inside. She pressed the button for the elevator, and while waiting for it, turned to face L again.

The sadness and confusion that had been flickering around him on the rooftop, seemed to have faded, and he looked more like himself. Fay felt relieved. She let her fingers entwine with his, and felt her restlessness disappear. It was like his touch grounded her - it was the beacon that would show her the way home, where ever she was.

She could only hope it worked both ways.

"Do you remember Madrid?" she asked turning her eyes up to his face.

A small smile on his perfect lips. His palm pressed tight against hers.

"I take it you are referring to the case we solved. And the night after."

"Yeah. We were sitting on the rooftop, and I-"

"You had too much Cava." L noted.

The elevator arrived with a 'pling', and L stepped inside, pulling Fay after him.

"No, I didn't!" she argued, but with a laugh.

"I had to help you to your room."

"Well, it was damn worth it." Fay stated. "I loved that night. I _loved_ it that we were so good together."

L glanced at her, and Fay's heart jumped.

"We are still good together, Fay." he said silently. "I am glad that you came."

Fay didn't ask if he meant her coming to Japan, or coming to the rooftop. She knew it didn't matter. She would follow him to the end of the world, if it came to that.

They reached the floor of the HQ, and even if it wasn't the floor where Fay's room was, she followed L out of the elevator.

"Going to work?" she asked, placing her hand on his arm.

"There's something I need to do. Something important." he said. "I'd rather do it before anyone else arrives."

"Oh?" Fay raised an eyebrow. "Anything I could help with?"

"Not at the moment. You can go back to bed, Fay - I will see you later."

His tone was gentle, but still it made Fay displeased. She had hoped that he'd join her. That they could use this early morning for perfect morning sex… but instead she felt shut out by him.

"Fine." she sighed, and let go of his arm. "I'll bring you coffee soon. Would you like...?"

But she stopped mid sentence. He was already walking away from her, his hands deep in his pockets, hunching his shoulders, and Fay felt deserted. With a sigh she turned on her heel, and was just about to step into the elevator, as she heard L's voice behind her.

"Fay."

She turned around.

"Yes? Changed your mind?"

"I'll be taking you out tonight. You might want to find something else to wear."

He was standing in the other end of the hallway, his huge, dark rimmed eyes fixated on her.

Fay ogled at him for a few heartbeats.

"You're taking me out? Like for a date?"

"Yes. I have made a reservation for us in a fine restaurant at 8 pm." he stated matter of factly, neither his voice or his face revealing any emotion. "That is, if you do not have other plans."

"Duh." Fay rolled her eyes. "What plans could I possibly have here?"

"I take it we're going, then." he simply answered. "I will pick you up at 7.30."

And with that, he left her. The elevator doors behind Fay closed with a 'pling'.


	23. Sake

**Oh Gods, this is a long one - sorry folks! I hope you don't mind.**

 **Please, review - you have no idea how much it means to me.**

* * *

 **November 1st, 2004.**

A date.

A date, with the love of her life, in the middle of a murder investigation.

Her first date with L.

Yeah, they had slept together for two nights now - but still, this was different. It was one thing to drink the hoarse sounds of pleasure from his lips, in the safe darkness of her room. It was another thing altogether, to go out as a couple.

Fay couldn't deny the fact, that it made her nervous and her heart felt like it was trying to beat it's way through her sternum.

And she had almost 12 hours to spend, before he had said he'd pick her up.

To kill time, Fay wandered off to Misa's old rooms. She had promised to go through the stuff Misa had left behind, and this seemed like as good a time as any.

Besides, the truth was, she missed Misa - on a moment like this, a girl should have a girlfriend. Fay made a split second decision, pulled her phone from the pocket of her sweatpants, and dialed Misa's number.

She answered almost right away.

"Fay! I haven't heard from you in ages! How are things?"

 _In ages? It's been two days since she left._

"You know, the same." Fay replied. "Guys are buried in the investigation, and to be honest I'm a bit bored."

"Yeah? Tell me about it! All Light ever talks about, is that case. Can you believe he _still_ hasn't taken me on a date, even if we're free now?"

"I'm sorry to hear that." Fay said, and she truly was. Though, she had always thought that Misa was far too good for Light. Misa was awesome. Light on the other hand - well, he was a shithead.

 _Better not to say that to Misa, though._

"You know," Fay continued. "I was actually wondering if you wanted to go shopping with me today - I have a date tonight, and I'm in need of a dress. I only brought jeans and sweatpants with me."

"A date?!" Misa shrieked to the phone, so that Fay had to pull it away from her ear. "Awwww, that's wonderful! So, is it with Matsuda, eh?"

"Ummm, actually…" Fay felt blushing. "I'm going out with Ryuzaki. We're kind of… well, you could say we're dating."

Dating, right. Fay rolled her eyes to herself. More like fucking.

"Oh! I _knew_ you had the hots for him!" Misa giggled. "So, he's taking you someplace nice?"

"I don't know, so he promised. Anyways, the thing is, I need something to wear. You want to meet in Sunshine City again, maybe? Do some shopping?"

"Oh, Fay, I'd love to - but I can't." Misa sounded to be genuinely disappointed. "I'm filming all day, and there's no way I can sneak out today."

"Well, too bad." Fay shrugged. "This was kinda sudden."

"But hey, I have a thought!"

"Shoot me."

"I left all kinds of stuff at the HQ when I left." Misa said. "You remember the dresses we tried on? I think the black one is still at the wardrobe. You can take that one."

"I'm actually in your old rooms right now." Fay stated. "Let me check."

She walked to the bedroom, and opened the large wardrobe. It was still full of stuff, just as Misa had said. Fay had to hang up, to be able to go through all the dresses, and still it took her almost 10 minutes to find the one Misa had mentioned.

Damn, it was just as gorgeous as she had remembered.

Spaghetti straps, low neckline, luxurious material - Fay glided her fingers on the beautiful creation, remembering how it had looked on her.

That was the dress. The killer dress that would sweep L off his feet. A thought that brought a smile to Fay's lips.

But there was a problem. You could _not_ wear a dress like that, without high heels - and matching lingerie.

Fay gave a sigh, and rolled her eyes.

Forget the murder investigation, gun wounds and serial killer best friends. It seemed like she would be facing something much more hideous today: shopping.

* * *

He picked her up, at 7.30 exactly.

Fay had, of course, been ready for half an hour before that, and for the remaining time she had eaten her nails and emptied two full glasses of white wine, to calm her nerves.

But now, sitting at the table in Wantei-Kikkō, she couldn't help but to wonder why had she been so nervous.

This was L.

There was absolutely nothing intimidating about him, and it felt surprisingly normal to be on a date together.

Fay had no idea how L had found this place - or rather, how Watari had found it, for she suspected L didn't do his restaurant reservations himself. Wantei-Kikkō was a traditional Japanese restaurant, in a small, old, wooden building in Asakusa. The interior was all dark wood and paper, and when glancing around, Fay noticed they were the only _gaijin_ , (non-Japanese people) in the entire restaurant. The tables were low, people sat on thin pillows on the floor, and they had been asked to leave their shoes by the door and change into slippers.

There were her new, super high heels - still waiting to impress L - neatly in a row with the shoes of other customers.

 _Well, maybe later._ Fay thought. _You have all night!_

She had ordered a 7 course tasting menu of Japanese haute cuisine - with beer and sake to go with it. L on the other hand, after discussing some time with the waiter, had managed to get 7 different japanese desserts, and tea with lots of sugar. Fay observed with great curiosity as he was served one exotic delicacy after another. things like daifuku, dango and mochi ice cream.

"So, why this place?" she asked, with a smile - watching L lick his fingers between bites.

"Do you not like it?"

"No, I love it! It's just… I've never had food like this before."

"It is as you said this morning, Fay." he replied. "We are in Tokyo, even if it is easy to forget sometimes. I wanted to… show you something real."

Fay glanced at her empty plate. She had just finished the third course, and she still wasn't sure what it had been - except that it had been delicious.

She let out a small laugh.

"So, you think this super expensive haute cuisine is _real_?"

"At least it is Japanese."

Fay took a sip of her sake, feeling it burn all the way down. She glanced at L across the table.

He hadn't combed his hair - it fell to his forehead, partly hiding his eyes. He was wearing the exact same worn jeans as he had this morning, and he was sitting in his weird position that seemed to attract curious glances from other customers.

But Fay could tell he had made an effort. He was wearing a white button up shirt with mandarin collar, and it looked pretty neat on him - bringing out the slight almond shape of his dark eyes. Fay felt the blush creeping up to her face, and she had to look away from him.

But he reached over the table, and his fingertips gently brushed hers.

"Fay, I need to talk to you about something."

His touch drew her eyes back at his.

"Oh, what is it?"

"It is about the Kira case." he said, his voice low and soft, so silent it was hard to make out his words.

Oh. So _that's why_ he had taken her on a date. To speak of this alone, far away from HQ, and Light.

A bitter taste of disappointment was on her lips, the blush on her cheeks deepened, but he didn't seem to notice.

"I am sorry that I sent you away this morning, Fay, but I needed to think about the notebook, without interruptions. I know I have been absent minded... but there is something I cannot understand about that notebook. Something, that just… does not make sense."

"What keeps bothering me…" he continued "...are the _rules_. I know the shinigami said all the notebooks work under the same rules, but she did not comment on the rules exactly. All her answers are vague, and I am sure she is keeping something from us."

Fay looked up to his huge, dark eyes, that suddenly had such intensity, it made her shiver.

"So you've noticed it too?" she simply said. "Let me tell you, that shinigami is one big, walking box of secrets."

He made a small smile, but his eyes stayed sharp.

"If she is indeed keeping secrets, that leads to the conclusion there is someone she is loyal to, or even someone she wants to protect. We must assume that person is Kira, or the second Kira. If so, the shinigami will _never_ give us answers that would lead to their capture."

"So basically what you are saying, is that the shinigami is no use to us." Fay sighed. "Must say I'm not surprised."

"It is not just that she's not useful to the investigation. It might be, that she is trying to lead us astray on purpose. We must find the answers by ourselves." He kept a short silence, as if hesitating his next words. "We must find out if the rules in the book are real."

It took a heartbeat for that to sink in.

"You are going to test the book."

"Yes." he admitted. "I have already asked for Watari to make the necessary preparations. I will have a death row inmate write a name in the book… and if he's still alive after 13 days, it means-"

"That that rule is fake." Fay stated. "And if so, then-"

"All the proof of Light and Misa's innocence disappears."

Fay took a sip of her glass. She felt her hand shaking slightly.

"When will you do this?" she asked.

"As soon as Watari finds a government that agrees to this plan. I expect it to happen in a matter of few days."

A short silence.

"Fay… we are at a turning point. This is where the game turns dangerous. It is not too late for you to-"

"Don't." she snapped. "Don't even try to tell me to leave, not again."

He gave a soft sigh. "Fine. But I need you to listen. Fay, the way I see it, there is only one course the things can go, from now on. We test the book and in less than two weeks we find out that some of the rules were indeed fake. And after that… we still have no actual proof tying Light to the murders. I will put him back into confinement, but still, the case is far from solved." he was silent for a few heartbeats. "If I live that long."

His words made Fay gasp.

"You mean Light will try to kill you before that happens."

"Yes. It is inevitable."

"But…" his words pained her so that it was hard to speak. "L, are you sure of that?"

"Yes. He will do everything in his power to stop me. That's what I would do, if I was him."

Fay felt tears in her eyes.

 _Damn - this is officially the worst date ever!_

She made the decision to gulp down her sake with one swig.

"Then we cannot test the book." she managed "I will not allow it, if it puts your life in danger."

"Fay… my life has been in danger since the day one of this case. There is no going back now. It is the only way."

"But you just said, that even if we prove that the rules are fake, there still is no proof against Light!"

L gave a sigh, looking almost anguished. His eyes seemed to be evading hers.

"You are correct. But this course of action might scare him into doing an unwise move. He might make a mistake. The murderers always make a mistake at some point." He took a deep breath. "Besides, he would still have to find a way to kill me, and that can prove to be difficult. The notebook is at my possession, being held at the HQ. No one can get their hands on it, without my knowledge - not even the shinigami. And even if Light would somehow manage to get the book, he still doesn't know my name."

"But the second Kira… Misa, didn't need a name to kill. Just the face was enough. What if Light-?"

"That is something we cannot control. If things come to that…" a short silence. "Then, I have lost."

Fay felt like her heart had stopped. A pain struck through her sternum and made her wince.

"No. I will not accept it! I will not-"

But he interrupted her, taking her hand across the table.

"Fay, I need to ask something of you."

"Not the leaving again? If it's that, I can tell you to-"

"No, do not worry. I will accept your decision to stay with me, even if it is very unwise. It is something else."

Fay met his eyes. Their fingers entwined, she felt his palm against her own, and again his touch seemed to ground her. It eased her breathing, calmed her heartbeat.

"Okay." she sighed. "Tell me."

"I have kept things from you. Things considering this investigation. And I have done it on purpose." a short pause. "I have done that to make Light think you are not important. It is of utmost importance, that he thinks you know nothing relevant of this case."

Fay didn't say a thing. She waited.

"I want Light to think, that you are only important to me in… personal sense. That you are here to make my tea, shop my sweets, and lately… to distract my mind from the investigation."

"Is that what tonight is all about?" Fay asked. "Our date is just a cover, to make Light think we're not closing on in him?"

"No, Fay. This date is real, as is… everything else between us. But all the better if Light thinks I have given up suspecting him, because you are distracting my thinking."

Fay remembered how L had sent her away this morning. How he had on many occasions declined to give her anything important to do, how he had - when she had first arrived at the HQ - introduced her to Light as someone who could make tea that helped him think.

Had he been planning this ever since?

And why did it make her feel like she was in a car that was falling off a cliff, without her being able to do a thing to stop it?

"What is it that you wanted to ask of me?" she finally asked.

L stuffed his hand in his pocket, and dug something out. He reached his hand across the table, and placed something on Fay's palm. An USB flash drive.

Fay turned it in her fingers, but there was nothing to point out what was inside.

"What's in here?" she asked, looking him in the eye.

"Everything."

"Everything… as in everything of this case?" Suddenly the small object had began to burn in her grasp, and she placed it on the table. "Why, why on Earth would you give this to me?!"

His long, beautiful fingers picked the item up, and returned it to Fay's hand. He closed her fingers around it, as gently as touching a flower.

"I need you to guard this with your life. If it would happen, that I-"

"No." she gasped. "Don't say it!"

"You need to listen." he sounded exasperated, his voice low and tired. "Just this once, do as I tell you to. I promise this is the last I speak of this, that I will not burden you again with this matter. Just… think of this as an insurance, in case that everything goes against our plans, this is the last thing I need you to do for me. But things might not end that way. It might be, that our plan works and we both walk out of this alive, with Kira captured. And then, we can-"

"Fine." she breathed. "I will keep it."

His lips parted, as if he was surprised with her agreement.

"What should I do with it, if…"

"You keep it a secret, for months at least." L replied. "Until enough time has passed. And then you will take it to Wammy's house and give it to my successor."

Fay still didn't want to take the USB drive, but something in L's voice, the seriousness, the hint of desperation, cut through her chest like broken glass. Reluctantly she took the item, and put it in her purse.

"Who will it be?" she looked up to his eyes again. "Mello, or Near?"

A sad look flashed in his eyes, like clouds over dark water.

"I have not decided on that yet. Neither one of them is ready."

"I'm rooting for Near."

"And yet, you are so much more like Mello."

That caught Fay off guard.

"Why would you say that? Mello is _mean_ , even cruel, and he's-"

"It's not that, I was referring to." L stated. "You both have this… passion. A fire inside of you. That's what makes you different than Near or me."

"Hm." Fay gave a small, sideways smile. "I'd say there's a passion inside of you as well, lover."

L blushed slightly.

"I wish you didn't call me that."

"Would you prefer 'babe'?" Fay flashed him an innocent grin. "Or paramour? Or boy toy?"

"And this is exactly why I said you resembled Mello." L muttered.

"Fine." Fay rolled her eyes at him. "So, it is Near then? You have decided on him?"

"No. He is not ready… but then again, neither was I, when I became L. Still, I wish the time for me to choose, would not come this quickly."

"It won't." Fay said, taking his hand in hers again. "You remember, this is just an insurance. Just hypothetical. We're gonna win, bring down that bastard Kira, and then, after that-"

"Yes, after that."

His voice was soft, his eyes dark and deep like forest meadow.

"What will we do then?"

"What would you want to do, Fay?"

"I don't know." she admitted. "But I do know, I want there to be a lot of you, and a lot of Cava."

* * *

 **(Authors note:** **Wantei-Kikkō is a real restaurant in Asakusa, Tokyo. I had an amazing wedding anniversary dinner there last summer, and just wanted to take L and Fay there. Strongly recommend it, if you happen to be in the area!)**


	24. Vanilla

**I apologize for all the smuttiness. It just came to my mind, and I couldn't avoid writing it. :D**

 **And guys, please, please review! I got so discouraged after getting no reviews for the latest chapter, that I can't even tell. :( How can I write, if I don't know what you liked and what you didn't? What do you wish to see next? I'm dying to hear your thoughts on this story, so please review or PM me. Thanks!**

* * *

 **November 1st, 2004.**

"Is that the same dress?"

"Which dress?" Fay gave him an innocent grin.

They were walking towards her rooms in the HQ, and she was tipsy on sake and beer and L - having pushed all the talk about dying and dangerous plans into the furthest corner of her mind.

"The dress you tried on when Misa was still living here."

"So you _were_ watching." Fay noted. "I was wondering about that."

"You knew I had surveillance on Misa."

"Yes, but you could have used audio only."

"True."

"Pervert."

"Hmm." L gave a sigh. "Misa used to call me that too."

Fay opened the door to her apartment, and they stepped inside. She laid her purse on the table, but decided to keep on her high heels. She had noticed how L's eyes had wandered to her hips, as she walked with them.

"So, _pervert_." Fay made a little spin "Is my look pleasing you tonight?"

He might have blushed slightly, his eyes gliding from her face downwards, to her chest. Fay noticed how he shifted weight on his feet, his hands deep in his pockets as if he was nervous.

"I think you look… " he turned his eyes away from her, searching for words. "...that is, you look very nice tonight."

"Nice? That the best you could come up with?"

She walked closer to him, leaned her chest against his, and with her high heels she could easily reach to give him a kiss on the lips.

It still took her breath away - that she was actually able to do this. To reach out to him, and he wouldn't push her away.

It felt like it was too good to be true.

Like she didn't really deserve it.

Like it could all disappear in a heartbeat, shatter like a dream.

But his hands that found her waist, were real.

His touch on the small of her back pulled her near, his lips were on hers, his sweet, familiar scent surrounded her and filled her, making her feel like her heart was trying to escape through her sternum.

His hands were gentle, but there was urgency in the way he kissed her, desperation and roughness, and it left Fay breathless. She felt going week in the knees, her strength and will leaving her with every breath, as the sweet warmth of his touch overtook her.

"Hey, wait…!" she managed, feeling his hands impatiently grabbing to her hips, starting to peel up her skirt.

He broke the kiss, blinking his huge saucer eyes.

"I'm sorry, I thought-"

She laid her hand on his heaving chest. She felt his heart pounding as fiercely as her own.

"We'll get there, lover." she promised. "But it's the night of our first date. Let's take it real slow tonight, okay?"

His face was pale, but pink spots burned on his cheeks. His eyes were very wide and very dark.

"Alright." he breathed. "What do you want… for me to do?"

"I want you to go to the bedroom, and wait for me. I'll bring us some Champagne and cake, and we'll start from there."

He seemed amused by this, a small smile playing on his beautiful lips that were still moist from the kissing.

"Champagne, again? You drink too much, Fay."

"And you eat too much sweets." Fay replied. "Diabetic."

"First you call me pervert, and now diabetic. Is that not a bit harsh?"

"They're both true." Fay shrugged, releasing herself from his arms. "At least, almost true. Besides, you love it when I call you names. That's how you know I love you."

"Ah. It is like we are fifteen again." he sighed.

"Yes. But there's more sex." she grinned. "Go on already, lover. I'll see you in my bed in a minute."

* * *

 **Half an hour later:**

Fay was sitting on top of him, straddling him on the bed. His hands rested on her thighs, and she felt the coolness of his fingers on her burning skin, making her restless.

She was almost naked, wearing nothing but her black hold up stockings, matching lace panties and a bra, and the look in L's eyes told Fay just how much he appreciated that sight. He, on the other hand, was still fully dressed. That was the way she had wanted it.

"Real slow, okay?" she breathed.

"Yes. Slow."

His voice was hoarse, the movement of his adam's apple in his beautiful neck told her of his nervousness.

She reached to her back and unclasped her bra, letting it fall off. L groaned on the sight of her breasts, and Fay felt his hardness under her, in the pressure of his jeans.

She leaned down, and his hands moved to her hair, removed the pins so that her fiery curls fell down, surrounded their faces like a veil. His lips brushed hers, slowly, gently. She felt his breathing on her lips, tasted the vanilla and the ice cream, and her mouth watered.

Their tongues met. Fay let out a small sigh of desire, feeling his hands on her thighs again, moving to her hips, to her backside. He carefully avoided touching the wound on her side, his cool fingers not even brushing the bandage. From the way his lips moved on hers, his tongue tasting hers, she could tell he was fighting not to rush. His hands trembled on her skin, grabbed to her curves, slid along the waistband of her panties. Fay could clearly feel the hardness of his erection under her, and it made her anxious.

She sat up again, breaking the kiss.

"Slowly, lover." she breathed. "There's no hurry."

He managed a nod, his eyes huge like saucers.

This was the first time they did something like this.

All their previous encounters had been… so steamy that Fay was surprised she hadn't spontaneously combusted. She had enjoyed his haste, his burning desire that just _could not_ wait - but now she felt like trying something different.

Fay let her fingers glide to his neck, opened the first button of his shirt. His chest was heaving. She leaned down, to kiss the ivory skin that was revealed, and felt a shiver go through his spine. Another button, and a third one. The tip of her tongue followed the line of his collarbone. Slowly she let her hands glide down, opening one button at a time, tracing a line of kisses down his chest.

She felt how his nipples went hard, and he made a soft moan. His hands were in her hair now, their long fingers brushing through her curls.

"Sweetie," she breathed. "I love the way you taste."

He shivered feeling her tongue on his skin, following the waistband of his jeans.

"Lose the shirt." she commanded, and he obeyed - with haste.

He was breathing heavy now, and Fay could tell it was difficult for him to stay still on his back. Giving him a sinful look through her lashes, Fay slowly let her fingers open the button of his jeans, to pull them down. A low moan left L's throat, as she pressed her lips to the white skin of his abdomen. Her tongue found the high arcs of his hipbones, the tight, slightly sunken abdomen. Keeping her hands agonizingly slow, she palmed his shaft through the fabric, feeling a sharp gasp escaping his lips as she did so.

"Fay…!" his voice was nothing but a hoarse breath. "Gods, Fay-"

"Hush, honey." she whispered. "Just tell me if it's too much, and I'll slow down."

He took a few deep, trembling breaths.

"Fine." he managed. "I will… try."

His eyes closed and his lips parted in pleasure, as she slid down the boxers and her fingers found his shaft.

Jesus, she loved the way it looked! All red, swollen with blood that was pumping through the veins. The head was already slick with fluid, and Fay licked the small droplets off, tasting his sweet and sour aroma. Her mouth watered, as she opened her lips for him, and took him deep into her mouth.

Christ, it was hard to keep it slow!

The noises he made, as she pleased him, turned her on more than anything she had ever experienced.

A part of her wanted nothing more than to grip him tight, pump him hard and suck him so, that he'd come into her mouth, rough and rude and desperate. But the other part of her, told to keep her hands slow, to take him into her mouth with agonizingly unhurried pace, to enjoy every single breath he took, every raspy sound he made, to feel it all, with no haste.

She kept it on for a long time. His shaft gliding between her lips, into the wet heat of her mouth, again, and again, and every time she felt he was too close, she slowed down, let him off her mouth and moved to kiss the tender skin of his lower abdomen, her hands feeling his ribs under his skin.

"Fay, please…!" he was almost sobbing. " _Please_ , Felicity, I need to-"

"What, you need to come?" she looked up to his face, his parted lips, his burning cheeks. "Oh, but I'm not quite there yet, lover. You need to wait for me."

"Christ!" he cursed - something that didn't happen very often. "Just tell me, just… What do you want for me to do?"

"I think I want you just the way you are, hon."

She flashed him the naughtiest smile she could think of, and didn't break eye contact with him, while removing her panties, and climbing back on top of him.

"A...ah... Felicity!" he moaned, as Fay took his shaft in her hand, and lowering her weight on him, guided him in.

She was so wet, so ready - but still it almost hurt. She bit her lip, and closed her eyes, steadied herself on him by leaning her hands on his chest.

Jesus, it felt like perfection! Being stretched open by him, his shaft sinking deep into her flesh - she could have sworn, she felt it all the way to her heart.

This was how it was meant to be. How she was meant to be. The world suddenly made sense, it stopped being this chaotic, scary place where she had no home and no future. _This_ was where she belonged, _this_ was home, _this_ was happiness.

All she needed was him, inside of her, and suddenly everything was right.

She leaned down to kiss him, inhaled his scent of vanilla and cotton, sugar and strong english tea.

"I love you." she breathed into the kiss. "Oh, I love you so much! Please, _please_ , Lawliet, never make me leave you again!"

His hands were in her hair, digging deep into her curls, and he was almost panting, his chest heaving with fast breaths. He tried to stay still, but Fay could tell it was difficult - his hips rose up off the mattress, thrusting his cock deeper inside of her, the muscles of his legs trembling.

"Remember," she broke the kiss. "No hurry."

"I… ah! Don't… kno… know-" he groaned. "If I... can-"

"It's alright." she breathed, sitting up. "Just try, okay?"

 _Slow. Keep it slow. Take your time._

Fay began to swirl her hips, unhurriedly, avoiding swift moves, avoiding too much up and down motion. She could tell he was close, that he was fighting not to come - not to cut this short. His muscles were tense, his fingers were digging to the skin of her thighs, he was biting his lip, and the sounds he made, were dry, raspy breaths or moans, escaping his throat without his will.

Christ, she had him deep inside of her!

She needed this so bad.

She _needed_ for him to fill her, to stretch her, to reach her heart with his cock, to make her feel like there was nothing else than this moment, this heartbeat, their joining that was sending her over the moon.

"Fay, I can't!" he was sobbing. "I can't, I can't, I can't-"

"Ah…!" a surprised gasp left her lips, as he dug his fingers to the softness of her backside. His hips answered her swirls, turned into fast pushes, deep, strong thrusts - that hit her right to her sweetest spot.

"Lawliet, Christ!"

A supernova exploded in her mind, and her body followed. His cock deep inside of her, she came, crying out his name.


	25. Scones

**Thank you so much, my dearest readers, for the amazing guest reviews I received for the latest chapter! Your words really made my day, and gave me so much more reason to keep on writing. Thank you, guys!**

 **This chapter is a bit different. I hope you like it.**

* * *

 **November 2nd, 2004.**

Fay lay on her bed, naked and stretched her body, feeling L's touch still on her skin.

Last night had been… perfect.

Just a thought of it, was enough to make her hot all over.

After their little experiment on 'trying to keep it slow', they had enjoyed some more cake and Champagne, and then made love again. Fay blushed, and her heartbeat reacted to the memories of last night. The way L had pinned her down on the bed, his hands holding her by the wrists, how he had kissed her deep and raw... every inch of his body telling her just how much he needed her.

Like she was heroin to him. Like he just couldn't get enough of her.

Well, that sure went both ways!

With a sigh, Fay rolled to her side, and took her phone from the nightstand.

"Yo, lover! Last night was awesome. Where r u?" she sent an SMS.

Fay waited, holding the phone in her hand, but there was no answer. She frowned to herself, and typed another message.

"I need you inside of me, hot-stuff! Would you come and fuck me, pretty-please?"

Her phone rang instantly after that message.

"Hey, sweetie." Fay purred. "That got your attention, didn't it?"

"It did." L's voice sounded somewhat tense. "Fay, I need you to stop texting me. I am trying to work."

"All work and no play makes L a dull boy."

"Your messages are a distraction. I have a case to solve."

"And I'm naked in my bed thinking about you."

A short silence. Fay couldn't help but to imagine L's face as he tried to come up with an answer to that.

"Fay, I'm sorry, but that really has to wait." he finally replied, sounding cooler than Fay had hoped. "Why don't you take this day off? I will see you later."

"Agh, alright." she rolled her eyes. "But you'd better give me some loving when I see you, for I'm burning just thinking about-"

But her sentence was cut short by L, who had already hung up.

Fay stared at her phone silently for a few heartbeats.

 _Damn, that guy is a jerk!_

With a sigh, she sat up and put her phone away.

No morning sex. Right. As if it wasn't enough, that Kira was killing half the planet - did he have to try and kill her sexlife too?

Fay frowned to that thought, and got out of the bed, rather cranky.

* * *

"Do you mind if I have a cup of tea with you?" Fay asked, poking her head into the dimly lit room, filled with TV screens and computers.

The old man, sitting on a chair, turned around to see her - and a smile lightened up his tired face.

"Please, Fay, come in. Is it time for tea already?"

Fay glanced at her wrist watch. "It's almost five. I'd say it's tea time."

"My goodness, how the time flies." Watari answered and got up. "Let me put the kettle on."

Fay didn't really agree with Watari, on the notion of time flying. She had ADHD - an hour could feel like an eternity, if she had nothing of interest to busy herself with. So this had been one long day! And even if L had told her not to, she had secretly gone through all her notes about this case, trying to come up with a plan that didn't include testing the notebook - just to make sure she didn't die of boredom.

Of course, she had come up with nothing.

And, she was still bored.

"Watari." she said, following him through the room full of screens, into his living quarters. "Have you heard anything about… the governments willing to test the notebook?"

"Oh." Watari turned around, to face her. "So Ryuzaki told you about it?"

"Yeah… we're trying this new 'no secrets' thing." She shrugged. "Can't tell if it's working, yet."

"Oh, I see." he gave her a nod. "I'm happy for you. Both of you. It is about time that this happened."

"Uh-huh. I agree with you on that one."

Fay observed silently as Watari put the kettle on and measured the exact right amount of high quality tea leaves into a pot. Everything about him, was so painfully familiar - his tranquil face, the old, dark suit, the way he hummed silently as he laid the china and some scones on the table. His presence, his comforting silence, took Fay back into the afternoons she had sat with him in his office in Wammy's house and he had made tea to her, let her sit in his room, under his huge oak desk, until she had stopped crying and was ready to face the world again.

She realized, she had probably never thanked Watari for that.

For being the only parent she really remembered.

"Watari... " she began, but the moment broke as the kettle made a whistling noise, telling the water had boiled. Watari took the kettle, poured the water on the leaves and closed the lid.

"Please, sit down." he said, pointing towards the table. "Have some tea, and we'll talk."

"Thank you." Fay said, and did as she was told. She took a scone, realizing she hadn't had lunch all day. "Oo, scones! Yummy!"

"Yes, I remembered they were your favorite. Would you like some jam, or clotted cream?"

"No thanks, I'm fine… but how on Earth did you manage to get clotted cream in here?" Fay laughed.

"This is Tokyo, Fay. You can get anything in here."

"Yeah, I guess." she took a bite of her scone. "So... how is it? Is any government willing to test the notebook?"

Watari seemed troubled.

"There is nothing new I can tell you." he gave a sigh. "I have not received any communications yet."

"You know." she said. "I hate that plan."

"Oh. And why so?"

"Because it's fricking suicidal." Fay frowned. "It puts L's life in danger."

"Ryuzaki's." Watari corrected.

"Fine, _Ryuzaki's_. Though I prefer to call him with his _real_ name."

He was silent for a while, took the pot and poured some tea to their cups. Without needing to ask if she wanted, he added some honey and milk to hers.

"That is very risky, Fay. Using that word could easily get him killed, if someone overheard you."

"Don't you think I can be careful?"

"Hmm." Watari raised an eyebrow. "I remember you as a gifted child, but carefulness and forethought were never your fortes."

"What? I have grown, you know. I'm not a kid anymore."

But saying that out loud, kind of made her feel like one. She realized very clearly, she would always be a kid to Watari. One of the kids he saved.

"Alright." Watari gave a nod. "I trust you have an interest to keep Ryuzaki safe, and maybe that is enough motivation to make you watch for your words. But tell me, Fay. Was there something you wished to talk about?"

"Besides Ryuzaki's stupid-ass plan?" Fay sighed. "Well, there was one thing…"

"Go on, tell me."

He held the cup in his hands, and brought it to his lips. Everything about him was so calm, that Fay could not help but to feel safe. It was like being home again, and that was something she hadn't felt in a long time.

"I wanted to ask you…" she hesitated. "Why did you call me back in August? Why make me come to Japan?"

"Ah." a short silence. "I told you in the phone, did I not? That I wanted you to come and help Ryuzaki?"

"You did. But I have been wondering… He doesn't really need help to solve this case, on the contrary. It seems to me, that the task force is actually only slowing him down - and same goes for me. He would be more efficient on his own."

"Fay-"

"So, I'm thinking, you didn't really ask me here to help with the case." she gave him a sharp glance. "You had something else in your mind. Am I right?"

Watari was silent for a short moment, sipping his tea. Finally he put the cup down, and gave out a resigned sigh.

"Ryuzaki was... depressed. It was hard for him, that he had to release Light from the confinement, he had been so sure that Light was Kira-"

"Light _is_ Kira."

"Hmm...That remains to be seen. But as I was saying, Ryuzaki was… not himself. I could say that he was depressed, or that he was sad. But it does not really matter which word I choose. He had lost his drive, and I was worried. I hadn't seen him like that in years. Not since you left."

 _Not since you left._

Fay's heart jumped to that sentence. So… L had missed her?

But she said nothing, and Watari continued.

"That led me thinking that seeing you, might be good for him. That it might brighten his spirit."

"Brighten his spirit?" Fay raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me, you actually meant to hook us up?"

"I would not use those words. But yes, I thought your presence might give him purpose again."

Fay pondered on that for a while, and took a sip of her tea. It was perfect, it tasted of childhood and England, and it suddenly made her homesick.

As if she had a home to long for.

"You know he keeps on asking me to leave?" she said after a while. "That he keeps insisting that I go back to Europe?"

"I know. But what would you expect? He always wanted to keep you safe."

"True." a short silence. Her tea cup clattered, as she placed it down on the plate. "Watari… can I ask you something?"

"Always, Fay."

"How was it… I mean, how was L, after…" she had to search for the right words. "You said that you hadn't seen him depressed, since I left Wammy's house. Does that mean, he was… upset when I left?"

"Do you really need to ask, Fay?"

"Maybe I do. This 'no secrets thing' doesn't mean he would ever tell me this kind of stuff himself."

Her notion brought a smile to Watari's lips.

"Ah, very well. But what can I say? You had been his best, and only friend, for more than a decade, and suddenly you were gone? How could it _not_ affect him?"

Fay looked down to her tea, kept stirring it with a spoon.

She remembered the rain.

Rain on her face, the wind that took her umbrella, and the way water had dripped of L's hair to his neck. How much she had wanted to kiss him, and how she had thought he hated her for that. She had thought, he wanted nothing to do with a slut like her.

"He could've told me." she said silently.

"Yes." Watari agreed. "But this is Ryuzaki, we're talking about."

"True."

"But Fay… that is all in the past. You are here now, and you are together. Is that not what really matters?"

"Yeah, I guess. Just can't help thinking that if he'd spoken up, we could have been together for years."

"Hmm." Watari gave a sigh. "Perhaps he was not ready until now."

"Yeah, maybe." Fay shrugged. "Anyways, there was something else, I wanted to say to you."

"Oh. And what might that be?"

Fay looked down to her half eaten scone. Suddenly she wasn't feeling hungry anymore.

"Watari, I am sorry."

He seemed troubled.

"What are you sorry for, Fay?"

"That I failed you. You saved me, took me in, raised me. And you used all that time and resource to train me to become a some kind of a mastermind, and I… I just left. I didn't even say thank you. I threw all that away, and now I am useless."

Watari was silent for a short while, a shadow of some hidden emotion crossing his face. He looked down too. Maybe it was easier for him as well, to speak of these things without eye contact.

"You did not fail me, Fay." he finally replied, and his voice was kind. "And you are not useless. Children are not machines. You had all the qualities to become a top detective - your intelligence, your creativity, your initiative… but it never called to you, like it calls to Ryuzaki. Or like it calls to Mello and Near. You cannot force these things." he paused for a short while. "I learnt that the hard way."

"Still, I am sorry." she said. "I hope that I can make it up to you, somehow, now that I'm back."

"Oh." A friendly sparkle in his grey eyes. "And I was just wondering, if you would help me with the dishes."

And just like that, Fay was really back home.

* * *

 **Please, please, review - otherwise I get so easily discouraged.**


	26. Gingerbread

**I'm sorry about the delay! I've been super busy lately, and it will be so until Christmas... I hope to find some time to write during the holidays!**

 **But I was feeling kinda Christmasy today, so I wrote this little chapter for your entertainment. I hope you like it - and happy holidays, guys!**

 **(And as always, PLEASE review!)**

* * *

November 4th, 2004

"I sure hope this is all over by Christmas." Fay sighed.

"Oh." L replied. "I thought you didn't like Christmas."

"I don't. But I want _not_ to like it with you, preferably in Europe."

They were sitting in a small ice cream bar near the HQ, and it was already past 9pm. L was sitting across the table to Fay, eating a huge ice cream sundae that had a mountain of whipped cream and a cherry on top of it. (A cherry, that made Fay think about the many interesting things L could do with his tongue.) Fay kept stirring her drink with a straw - she had thought she'd ordered an iced coffee, but her drink had turned out to be a weird combination of milk, ice cubes and something that resembled sticky cubes of coffee flavoured jelly. It didn't really work for her.

"Hmm." L said, his mouth full of whipped cream. "If things go according to my plan, this will not only be over before Christmas. This will be over in less than two weeks."

"Oh. Yeah, _that_ plan." Fay frowned.

"Yes. We will soon be ready to test the book."

Fay didn't reply anything to that. L knew well enough, that she didn't like that plan, but he had went ahead with nevertheless. There was no point in arguing with him.

"But I thought you said that testing the book still won't be proof enough to convict Light."

"We will find the proof, the solid proof that binds him to the notebook. But this will be enough to put him into custody, him and Misa. And if the killings stop again…. then, that is a proof as well." he took another spoonful, ice cream and strawberry sauce. "Besides, keeping them both locked away and under supervision, will stop them from killing people anymore, and that is a kind of victory as well."

"You were never satisfied with 'a kind of victory' before."

"And I won't be now either. But it is a step towards the final victory."

"But…" Fay frowned. "They were in confinement before, and then, somehow a new notebook appeared, and the Yotsuba Kira started killing people. That's what messed up the investigation before, right?"

"Right."

"So, let me get this straight. We have the notebook Higuchi used. But it is not the same notebook Light used when he was Kira?"

"Correct."

"And Misa had one of her own as well. Am I right?"

"Yes. There must still be several notebooks out there, and if I am not mistaken - which I never am - Misa or Light has at least one of them."

That made Fay's frown deepen. She took a sip of her weird beverage - a thing she regretted immediately.

"So, what if we put Misa and Light back into prison, and then the notebook they are currently using, is passed on to someone else - and the killings continue? What are we going to do then?"

"Simple." L's face brightened. "We must find their notebook - or notebooks, and prevent them from getting into wrong hands. That book will also be solid proof against the two of them, which will close the case."

"Huh." Fay raised an eyebrow. "Simple, you say. I'm sensing a lot of 'if's in this scenario. You sure we're going to get there before Christmas?"

"Fay." L said, and suddenly his voice was soft like summer night. "What is this talk about Christmas? Do you have something in your mind?"

"Nothing…" she stirred her drink. "I just… I guess I am a bit homesick. I would like to go back to Europe-"

"Please, do."

"Hey - with you!" Fay stated rather pointedly. "I'm not going alone, dumb-ass."

L was silent for a while. His huge, dark eyes were fixated on hers, and Fay felt like he saw right through her.

"Alright, Fay." he finally said. "I promise to you, that if this case is solved by Christmas, I will go back to Europe with you, and we'll do whatever pleases you."

Fay grinned.

"You promise?"

"I do."

And Fay felt her tension melt away, like the ice cubes in her drink.

It wasn't that she liked Christmas - she didn't. It was, that she had spent the majority of her Christmases with L, and she knew it was the only way to get through the holidays without losing her mind.

* * *

She is seven years old.

It is her first Christmas in Wammy's house, and it is killing her.

She is hiding under a table again - though not the dining table, there's a Christmas dinner going on right now, so she's chosen another room, another table. It doesn't really matter, though. This is just as good, this is the safe haven that surrounds her with soothing darkness, and hides her from Christmas.

For she knows now, that Christmas is nothing but a lie.

Santa Claus doesn't exist, nor do elves, or angels. There is no magic, no good in this world. If there was, Mom would still be alive, and Felicity would be home decorating the tree with her. Not in this stupid place, where everything is wrong. Where just seeing the Christmas tree makes her tummy ache and her eyes burn with tears.

So she stays under the table. To not see the tree, or the lights or the decorations. But it's not really helping, because she can still smell Christmas - the scent of the pine tree and gingerbread - she can still hear the sounds, the music, jingle bells, the happy and excited noises of other children in the dinner table.

She hates it.

She hates it all so much, she wants to puke. She digs her fingernails to her palms, so that it hurts, to make it all go away.

"Felicity." a silent voice says from the outer world, outside of her hideaway, startling her.

She doesn't need to ask who it is. There is only one kid here, who knows her real name.

"Come in."

The tablecloth rises, and a boy crawls in. His dark hair is a mess, and falls to his forehead partly covering his eyes - which is a good thing, for Fay finds the way he looks at her unnerving sometimes.

"Watari is looking for you." he says silently. "You should come out. It is almost past dinner time."

"Not hungry."

"Hmmm. Me neither, but I will not get your dessert if you won't come to the table."

"Shut up." she snaps. "It's Christmas. You can have as much dessert you want today, I know it. Roger said so."

"Oh. You got me there."

A short silence. Fay watches how L hugs his knees, bites his thumb and stares at her without a word. She wants to be mad at him, but it is hard, as always. He is already in her heart, and his presence melts the ice in her chest.

"Why are you here?" she asks finally.

"To find you."

"You found me. What do you want?"

"I want you to come with me."

"No way. I'm not going to that lame-ass party. I hate it. I hate Christmas!"

"I understand." he says, and Fay sees it in his eyes, that he really does. That he knows her pain. Almost as if he shared it with her.

"Good." she breaths. "Because I'm staying here."

"If you do not want to attend the dinner or the festivities, that is fine." he says. "But I need you to come out of here. I want to show you something."

"Oh. What is it?"

"You will see." there is a small smile on his lips. "I promise you will like it."

"You promise?"

"I do."

Fay bites her lip.

She doesn't want to see Christmas - but she doesn't want to be alone in here anymore either. She wants to be with L, follow him wherever he wants to take her.

"Fine." she replies. "But it's better be good."

Fifteen minutes later they are standing in front of a window, and the view takes Fay's breath away.

They are in the tower that looms over Wammy's house. The tower Fay remembers seeing from outside, but she has always thought of it to be empty, abandoned. She hadn't even found the staircase that leads there, not before L took her hand today, and lead her to it.

The tower is narrow, and there is only one room in every floor. They are in the highest one, the attic, and it is cold like only an attic of an English manor in Christmas can be. She's shivering, curling her toes, but it doesn't matter, for she has just started to believe in magic again.

It is snowing outside. Something she hasn't seen in ages.

The snowflakes fall from the sky like small diamonds, like sparkling feathers against the black night. They fall to the ground that is still dark, but soon it will not be - Fay can already see small snowdrifts forming where wind carries the flakes. The tree branches are turning white, the snow covering their dead, dreadful fingers, turning them into something beautiful.

"It's pretty." she breaths. "So pretty."

"Yes. I thought you would like it."

"Does anyone else know about this place?" she asks, turning her eyes to him. "This tower room?"

"I do not know." he replies. "But I come here sometimes to think, and there is never anyone else in here."

"So it is your secret place, then."

"Perhaps. And now yours too."

She takes his hand, and even if he startles, he lets her entwine her fingers with his.

"Lawliet." she says silently. "Want to go out and make snow angels?"


	27. Oxygen

**Why can't I stop writing these smut scenes? Sorry! I truly meant to get on with the plot, but then this happened. And I just couldn't stop myself from writing it.**

 **Please, _please,_ review. I want to know what you wish to read about! **

* * *

**November 5th, 2004**

Fay woke up to the rain.

For a moment she was back in Wammy's house, in England, where it always rained. L's scent of vanilla and cotton surrounded her, and she knew she was home.

Then she opened her eyes, and saw the big glass windows, that reached from floor to the ceiling, the water pouring down, making the silhouette of Tokyo grey and uneven, like a view in an impressionist painting.

"Good morning." L's voice said, and Fay turned her gaze to him.

He was sitting up, the sheet covering his nakedness from hips down, the grey morning light illuminating the lean muscles of his arms and shoulders, the sharpness of his bones under the ivory skin. He wasn't looking at her, but out of the window, into the rain, chewing his thumb absentmindedly.

"Hey, you're here." she breathed. "Nice."

She had almost gotten used to it, that in past few mornings he had not been in her bed, even if they had fallen asleep side by side. It seemed that he could not sleep now, not even with her, because of the Kira case. He would wake up in the early hours of morning, and sneak out of her rooms, to work.

But now he was here, and Fay felt her heart flooding with love so fierce it was almost scary.

She rolled to her side, and reached her hand to touch his arm.

"What are you thinking?"

L startled, and turned to face her.

"Oh… nothing." he shrugged. "The rain. It is a strange morning, is it not?"

Fay turned her eyes back to the windows. The water kept pouring down, the wind beating the glass so that it creaked.

"It is november." she said. "But yeah… that rain makes me think about England. Wammy's house."

"Me too." he was silent for a while, still staring at the blurred skyline. "Fay… Can you hear that?"

"What, the rain? Yeah. Nothing else, though, the wind is so loud."

"Oh." he sighed. "Alright."

"You meant something else?"

He shook his head, and turned to look at her. His eyes were huge, dark rimmed, and Fay felt falling into them, as he lay down by her side.

"I love you." he said, his voice silent and serious. "I want you to know, that I have always loved you, Fay."

"I know." she breathed, her fingers gliding on his cheek. "I know. I love you too."

"And that I have never loved anyone but you."

"Sweetie." Fay said. "Why are you talking like this? Is everything alright?"

"Everything is fine, Fay." But he couldn't hide the sadness in his voice, and suddenly Fay felt frightened.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He bit his thumb, blinked his huge panda eyes a few times. Fay let her fingers glide to his shoulder, to feel the silkiness of his milky white skin.

"You want some coffee, lover?" she asked, giving him a small smile. "I could make us some. And I have croissants."

"Actually, Fay, I want to make love to you."

"Oh…!" she blushed. He had never said it to her, not like this. Not this outright, not with these words. She felt her cheeks burning, as he laid his hand on her waist, pulling her closer, his lips finding hers and taking her breath away.

The kiss had nothing of that morning's strange greyness. It made Fay's mind explode with colors, roses bloom in her closed eyelids. His hands on her skin were hard, desperate, and he rolled on top of her, pinning her down on the bed.

When he finally broke the kiss, they were both short of breath.

"Tell me, Fay…" he sighed. "Do you want me?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

"I do. I need to hear it. Please, Fay. Tell me."

"I want you." she exhaled. "I need you. You're like the air I breath. You are my oxygen."

"Tell me you love me." he buried his face into her neck. "Tell that to me again, Fay. I want to hear you say it."

"I love you, Lawliet." she said, silently, but moved so that she could see his eyes again. "I love you, but now you're scaring me a bit. What is this about?"

But he didn't meet her eyes. He pressed his lips to her neck, his mouth nibbling her skin, sending electric like waves of pleasure to her spine. His breathing was fast and hot on her skin, Fay felt her fingers gripping into the skin of his shoulders, and against her will, she forgot what she had been so worried about.

The way he was touching her took everything, but this moment, away.

"I just like hearing how you say my name." he breathed, his lips trailing a route of kisses down her neck, to her collarbone.

Fay's nipples went hard as his lips found them, and a moan of pure need escaped her lips.

"Lawliet…!"

"Felicity-" a kiss on her lips again, his tongue in her mouth. Fay felt his hard erection pressing on her hip, and it send a shock of need to her core.

Fay loved it, how his heart beat so fast, how his breathing was hoarse and shallow, how his hands on her skin were shaking with need, trembling and desperate, gripping hard on her curves.

He was between her thighs now, and Fay opened herself to him, wrapped her legs around his waist. He pushed inside, slowly, inch by inch - not like the first times when he'd been a bit too rough, too anxious. Now he took his time, giving Fay a chance to adjust to the feeling.

"Take me, babe." she breathed to his ear. "Please! I need you."

"I love you, Felicity Penrose." he groaned. His hot breathing fell to her neck, his fingers were in her hair, his rock hard shaft inside of her up to the hilt, filling her so completely that it felt like he was touching her heart from the inside.

And then he began to move, pushing all conscious thought off Fay's mind.

"Oh, Christ!" she gasped. "Lawliet…!"

But he knew now, that her gasps were of pleasure, and he read her reactions perfectly.

Gone was the hesitation of their first times. He was sure of himself now, his body moving in rhythm with hers, his hips hitting her just the right way, his shaft stretching her open again and again, making her a shivering mess in his hands.

She loved the way he took the control, how his touch on her skin told her he was the one taking her, not the other way around.

"Please! Oh, oh, please, L-!"

He groaned, pressing his forehead on hers. His lips found her mouth, he brought his hand to her breast, and Fay gasped feeling the pressure on her over sensitive nipple.

"What do you need?" he breathed hoarsely.

"Harder…!" Fay managed, squirming under him. "I want you to fuck me harder."

A harsh, throaty sound of need escaped L's mouth.

He stopped, and pulled out - making Fay gasp in surprise.

"L, please, please, please, don't stop-"

"Turn around."

Fay blinked, and shut her mouth. L was sitting on the bed on his knees, his huge, dark eyes full of shadows, his beautiful cock all red and slick with her fluids, standing hard against his tight abdomen. His chest was heaving, his muscles were tight and tense, trembling under his skin.

"Okay…!" she breathed, and obeyd, rolling to her belly.

L was on top of her in a heartbeat, his lips tasting the skin of her shoulder, his tongue finding the small droplets of sweat that dribbled down her spine. With agonising clarity Fay felt his erection pressing hard on her backside, and it made her insides ache with need.

She had to squirm a bit, to get into the right position - and then he found the way inside, entering her with one hard, long thrust.

"Christ!" Fay groaned. "Fuck!"

Jesus it reached deep like this! Fay had to bury her face to the pillow, to stop herself from screaming out loud. Her fingers gripped hard on the sheets.

"Fay, this is-" but he couldn't finish the sentence. "Oh my God, this is-"

His rhythm was fast now, every thrust hard and deep, and pushing Fay to the edge. His weight was on his forearms, his lips sucking the sensitive skin of her neck, his hips hitting on her backside so hard that Fay was sure she would fall apart, that she would be ripped to atoms.

That she would explode like a dying star, if he kept on like this.

It had never felt this good before.

"Ple- ple-ease…!" she cried. "Please! Please, oh, pleeease-"

The orgasm washed over her like a wave, curling her toes, making her legs cramp and her heart try to escape through her ribs.

"Aa… ah! Jesus Christ, Lawliet!" she shrieked. "Jesus, fuck! Gods!"

Fay was still spinning high in the outer space, gasping for air, as she felt how L came too - a few fast, ruthless pushes, and all his muscles tensed, groaning out loud he filled her with his cum, before collapsing on top of her.

* * *

It took a moment for them to catch their breath. It had been short, but damn, it had been intense! Fay felt still high headed and trembling, weak all over.

"Good?" he asked.

He was lying on his back, Fay in his arms, her head resting on his chest.

"Hell, yes."

"Hard enough?"

"Christ, Lawliet, it was perfect."

"Mhhh." he sighed. "Yes, it was."

A short moment of silence, he ran his fingers through her hair.

"You curse a lot when you come." he said then, matter of factly.

Fay couldn't help a small laugh.

"Hah! I guess so. Does it bother you?"

"No. Not in the slightest." his voice was even, but still a bit thin, as if he was still short of breath. "I find… myself actually enjoying it."

Fay laughed again.

"I bet you do, pervert." She reached to give him a kiss on the lips, before sitting up. "So, that morning coffee and croissants now?"

But he gripped her wrist, stopping her from leaving the bed.

"Not before I've had you at least twice more."

Fay's heart skipped a beat.

"What's with you this morning? First all that serious talk about love, and now you're insatiable. Don't you need to work today?"

She had meant it as a joke, but suddenly L's eyes were so serious, Fay felt her smile disappearing.

"Yes, I do need to work. But Fay, I still have some time left. Not much, but some. That time I wish to… spend here with you. There is something I need to ask of you later, but…"

"But what?"

"But it can wait. I do not want to face this day just yet. Could we please… just stay in the bed for a little longer?" he suddenly sounded tired, and Fay wondered how early had he woken up. Or if he had slept at all.

She lay back down again, placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"Sure. As long as you wish, lover."

After all, there was nowhere else, she'd rather be.


	28. Glass

**I keep saying that I have no time to update before Christmas, but here we are again. Apparently it is easy to find time when you're motivated.**

 **Please, review - I can't tell you how much it means to me!**

* * *

Fay was soaking wet.

The damn wind had taken her umbrella, twisted it upside down and pulled it from her grasp - but truth be told, it had been little use against that rain to begin with.

Her red, usually so sassy curls, were now like glued to her head, her sweater and jeans dripping water to the carpet as she made her way towards her rooms.

And the plastic bags of the nearest Family Mart? Fay didn't want to see, but she was pretty sure everything was swimming in them too.

 _Damn L! He'd better make this up to me later._

 _Sending me to do his grocery shopping in this weather?!_

When he had said he needed to ask something of her, Fay had thought it to be something important. Something related to the case. Not _this_.

She almost hoped the Lotte cookies would be ruined, but no such luck. When she unpacked the bags in her kitchen, she noticed almost everything was wrapped in plastic, and was in perfect condition for L to munch.

Fay kept muttering and cursing to herself, all the time it took her to change into something dry, but little by little her anger faded.

 _It's not like I have something more important to do, is it? Maybe it's time to stop pretending I'm not his maid._

That thought made her frown slightly.

She chose a pair of comfy sweatpants and a hoodie, sat down on the edge of her bed, a towel in her hair. It took some time before she stopped shivering - she hadn't even noticed how cold it had been outside, all her energy spent fighting against the rain.

Suddenly she felt exhausted.

She lay down, stretched her arms on her sides like wings. The bed felt enormous now, that she was already used to sharing it with someone. She let her eyes close. The bed was so soft, a cloud of bliss and warmth. The sheets still smelled like L. Fay inhaled, let his scent fill her, and her heart swelled. Cotton and vanilla, sugar and tea, milk and honey. Breathing it in made her mouth water.

When did it all become so physical between them?

When did she begin to _feel_ him like this, crave him like this, with all her senses? Had it always been this way, or just after they started to sleep together? Fay could not remember.

She felt his absence like an ache in her bones, like hunger - a physical urge that needed to be met.

 _I wonder if he could take a break? A quick lunch break, perhaps?_

She let out a sigh, and rolled her eyes.

 _Christ, you're insatiable! Didn't he just make love to you like three times this morning?_

But it wasn't enough. Fay knew, no matter how much they made love, she would always want more. It meant nothing, that she was still sore and exhausted - she was like an addict, and L was her heroin.

She checked her wrist watch, and frowned. Too early.

"Do not come to the HQ today, Fay." he had said. "I need to stay sharp today, and I cannot have you interrupting me." And then he had kissed her, so soft that it had made her weak in the knees and left her breathless. The kiss had lingered on for a long time, as if he had been reluctant to let go of her, the tips of his fingers gently brushing hers.

But when had Fay ever done as he had asked?

 _Screw that! Let's see if he can resist Lotte cookies, especially if I let him eat them off my naked breasts!_

That thought brought a grin to Fay's lips and she stood up from her bed. Her hair was almost dry, so she released it from the towel and let the thick curls fall to her shoulders. She imagined how L would run his fingers through it, how he would pull her near and his lips would meet hers. Just the thought was enough to make her horny.

She snatched a pack of the koala shaped cookies from the kitchen table, and headed towards the HQ.

* * *

As soon as she stepped into the room, she realized something was off.

First - L's hair was wet.

 _What, he went outside too? Why would he do that?_

But it wasn't just that. It was everything.

People were shouting. She couldn't make out the words, something about Watari, something about the shinigami - Fay glanced around, and couldn't see either one in the room. But she could smell panic in the air - the sweet and sour scent of fear, that hit her senses like electricity, and made her nauseous.

Her heart fell to her knees.

 _Fuck!_

This was the real thing. This was the nightmare scenario, she had feared from the day one.

"What's going on?!" Fay breathed. "What's happening?"

She didn't even realize it, but the cookie pack fell from her hand, hit the floor with a soft thump, wet carton meeting the tiles.

Fear tasted like blood. It tasted like iron and salt and acid, and it burned in her throat.

"What is it?" she raised her voice. "Ryuzaki, tell me -"

L turned around in his chair. His hair was dripping water to his neck, his toes that were sticking out of his too long, worn jeans, were almost white. Suddenly it hit Fay, how thin he was, how dark the shadows under his eyes.

"Fay…!" he gasped. "I told you not to-!"

And he stopped mid sentence.

His eyes went huge. His hand, holding a long silver spoon, froze in the air. His lips parted, as in surprise.

Time stopped.

Fay was a glass that fell to the floor and shattered to pieces.

Suddenly she remembered how light pierced the stained glass windows in Wammy's house. How she lay on the floor with L, holding his hand, their fingers entwining. Air scented of spring, flowers and cut grass. She was 13 years old, and that was the moment, the split second, her world changed. She could hear the children laughing somewhere, someone crying in the distance, but the rest of the world was a million miles away from them. The scattered rays of sun fell to L's face, to his closed eyelids, and Fay knew.

She could never live without him.

The memory shattered like an image in a broken mirror.

"No…!" she exhaled, but no sound came out.

Without being able to speak, or move or breath, she watched how the spoon fell from L's fingers, impossibly slow, it rotated through the air in slow motion, light reflecting of the shiny surface. Fay stared at it, unable to tear her gaze away.

' _Ting!_ '

The sound that echoed through the air as the spoon hit the floor, was a gunshot through her sternum. It restarted the time. Fay gasped, tasting iron on her lips.

It was too late.

 _Too late._

She knew it, but still she sprinted through the room, when L lost his balance and fell.


	29. Shell

**Hey, sorry for the delay in updating! I was travelling with my family, spent a week in Australia, and it was awesome - but it was time away from FFnet.**

 **But here it is now, a new chapter! I hope you're still reading this, and if you are, please, please, please, leave a review.**

* * *

 **November 5th, 2004**

It was safe under the table.

A ceiling over her head, shadows and soft darkness surrounding her, wrapping around her shivering body like a blanket.

She kept staring at the koala.

It was smiling, carrying the baby koala on her back, the dark eyes of both mother and the baby staring back at Fay. Chocolate filling, the pack said. She didn't even like chocolate that much.

The floor was cold, but she didn't feel it.

It was like she wasn't really here. She wasn't in this room, not as long as she stayed under the table, kept her eyes in the koala, and not in-

 _No. No. No. No. No._

She hugged her knees tighter, her tense muscles trembling.

 _Koala. Keep your eyes in the koala._

But no matter how much she tried to escape, the reality kept slipping back into her shattered mind. And with it, came the pain.

It was like she had been shot.

Like her ribs were all broken. Like her heart was ripped out of her chest, her lungs torn to shreds.

It was so overwhelming, that she couldn't even cry. The tears were blood in her throat, acid on her lips, burning behind her eyes, but they refused to run free.

It had been 45 minutes now, and Fay knew it was over.

She had known it far before the paramedics had finally given up and stopped doing CPR.

She had known it, when L had fallen to the floor, and she had been by his side just in time to see how his eyes closed. Just in time to feel how the life left him, the last breath escaped his lips.

Fay's hands were shaking, her muscles ached.

A silence lingered in the room. It was sticky like glue, heavy like lead, making air hard to breath. From the corner of her eyes Fay saw how the paramedics gathered their things, like there was nothing out of order, like it was all just something they had seen a thousand times before. As if they had not noticed the world had just ended.

She could not stare at the koala anymore.

When the men in their white uniforms stood up, what lay on the floor, was revealed to her eyes, and it was like a gunshot through her heart.

He looked as if he was just sleeping, his lips slightly parted, his eyes closed. A desperate piece of Fay's heart still hoped that this was nothing but a misunderstanding, a plot to trick Kira into believing L was dead even if he really wasn't. That he was just faking, and that in a heartbeat he would sit up, and give her a smile, telling her she was silly to have fallen for this play.

But she knew it wasn't so.

She had seen the life go out of him, like a candle blown out, like a leaf that fell from the tree before winter.

Slowly Fay forced herself to move, to crawl out from under the desk. Her limbs were weak. It felt like her body wasn't hers, like it wasn't air she was breathing, but tar.

She didn't even look at anyone in the room, as she made her way to L's side, knelt on the cold, hard floor, laid her hand on his shoulder.

"Sweetie." she breathed. "Please, please, don't leave me."

No answer.

His face was so pale, even whiter than before, the dark circles under his eyes almost blue.

"Please…" her voice broke down, she couldn't finish the sentence.

Someone knelt by her side, Fay felt a hand on her shoulder. She didn't look up, but she recognised Chief Yagami's voice as he spoke up.

"Fay, I am so sorry, but... but it is over. There is nothing we can do for him anymore. They must take him away now."

 _Take him away?_

"No." she gasped. "No, I will not allow it."

She bent down, a shaky breath leaving her lungs, as she leaned over L. Her hands were gripping on his shoulders, her fingers digging into his shirt. He was still warm, as if he was really just sleeping. She needed him, she needed for him to wake up and wrap his arms around her, _needed_ for him to be alive.

Couldn't they understand that?

Couldn't they see?!

"Fay, they have to do it, you understand that, don't you?"

But Fay heard Chief Yagami's voice as if it was nothing but ringing of her ears. She tasted tears in her burning throat, blood on her lips, the metallic taste of fear and despair and death.

"You can't take him away from me."

 _Now you're being stupid, Fay. Irrational._

That was L's voice.

 _It is not me anymore. That is nothing but a lump of meat, only an empty shell. You must let go, Fay._

But how could she?

She loved that 'shell'. She loved every inch of his body, every dark strand of his hair, she loved those long, delicate fingers, the sharp line of his jaw, his dark lashes, his ivory skin.

How could she let go?

Fay felt Chief Yagami's hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off.

She leaned closer to L, her hair surrounding their faces, as so many times before when she had leaned in to kiss him. Her lips brushed his, those beautiful lips she loved so much. She tasted him, the coffee and sugar on his lips, his scent of vanilla and cotton filled her nostrils, and made her heart ache.

But his chest under her palm was still.

No breath left his lips to hers.

"Wait for me." she whispered. "Wait for me. I am coming."


	30. Benzos

**Hey guys, thank you so much for the reviews on my latest chapter! I only wish you still keep on reading, I can promise you we'll hear more about L in the coming chapters. :) And if you read, please review!**

* * *

 **November 5th, 2004**

Fay sat by the table in her room, holding her head in her hands.

The grief inside of her chest was like a wild beast, tearing her apart with sharp claws. Every breath was painful to take, every heartbeat felt like an arrowpoint digging into the muscle.

She was falling into an endless pit of darkness, where no light would ever find her.

There were 28 benzos in the table in front of her, and her handgun.

 _If one pill is 15mg, will 28 of them be enough to kill me?_

Probably not, she thought. Hence the gun.

She turned her gaze to the pistol, laid her hand on it. The metal was cold to touch, smooth under her fingers. But the thought of taking it, bringing it to her head, made her nauseous. She doubted if she could actually pull the trigger.

She thought of the few remaining painkillers, that were strong too. Should she take them as well? And gulp them down with wine? How much wine could she drink so that the alcohol would boost the effect of the drugs and still not make her throw up?

This wasn't the first time she had thought about suicide, but this was the firs time she knew she'd go through with it.

" _If you die, I want to die with you."_

" _Then you would kill the only thing I have ever loved."_

L's words. They had a blaming tone in them, and Fay made a sound, half sob, half curse.

He had wanted for her to go on living.

But what did he know? It was easy for him to say - he was _dead_. He wasn't the one left alone in this misery, where every breath was torture, every second was an eternity, every heartbeat a cause of sickening pain.

 _First take the pills. Then shoot your brain to the wall. Easier that way._

Fay slid her fingers on the smooth surface of the table, and took the first benzo. The pill was small, white, innocent looking. She knew that with it, came peace and oblivion. But no oblivion could save her from this torment. No amount of benzos could make this life worth living now.

A world without L.

There was no way, _no way_ , Fay could live in that world. The mere thought was absurd. As if a flower could live without sunlight, a human without air to breath.

She took two small tablets, and swallowed them with water. They tasted sweet on her tongue, with a bitter aftertaste. Her hands were shaking.

He had always been with her. Always. Since the first day in Wammy's house, he had been by her side. Even when she had left, the years without his presence, he had been with her, in her heart, in every breath she took.

Just knowing he was alive, that he was out there, had been enough for her. But now?

It was simple in the end. She had nothing worth living for.

Two more benzos. She gulped them down without hesitation.

And then, a memory. Something stirred in her mind.

Fay stopped, laid her hands on the table. Her eyes popped open.

 _There was something you were supposed to do. Something L asked of you._

The USB flash drive.

Fuck!

" _What's in here?"_

" _Everything."_

Fay got up from her chair, and stumbled to livingroom, to find her purse.

 _I don't have to live, to get this information to Roger. I can just mail it to Wammy's house._

There was a Family Mart in the corner, with postal service. She could easily walk there and just slip the USB disc into an envelope, before continuing with her plan. It would be her last gift to L, it would help bring down that bastard Kira, and-

It felt like her heart stopped.

The USB drive was gone.

Fay felt her knees giving in, and she collapsed to the couch. Her hands were trembling, as she went through the purse again. And again. Until she was sobbing, turning the purse upside down so that everything fell to the floor.

Lipsticks, tissues, keys, hand cream, phone… but not the item she was searching for. It was _not there._

Fay stared at the mess on the floor for a few heartbeats, a cold calmness spreading to her bloodstream.

She was sure the drive had been in her bag. She never lost things - not the important ones. She might have ADHD, but it only made her that much more careful with her stuff. The USB flash drive had been in her bag, but now it was gone.

Not gone, she knew. Taken.

Her hands had stopped shaking. She didn't know if it were the benzos, or the fact that she was scared shitless and lost all hope.

" _What's in here?"_

" _Everything. I need you to guard this with your life."_

And now… it was gone.

 _All data deleted._ The flashing screens filled Fay's closed eyelids. All data was gone, and now the flash drive too. That meant… that there was only one way to take the information home.

Her brain. The one that was supposed to be scattered all over the wall in a minute.

 _What now? What the fuck do I do now?!_

Desperation tasted like vomit, burning acid on her tongue.

She bent down, letting the purse fall from her fingers. Her face twisted into a silent cry of despair. The tears still refused to run free, she only tasted them, like iron in her throat. She could hardly breath.

No way she could die now. That would mean that everything L had done would be in vain.

 _Light's gonna come for me next._ A thought flashed through her mind. _He knows. He has the flash drive. He knows I was going to run away with it. There's no way he's going to let me go now._

 _Fuck!_

 _Fuck this, fuck everything! Fuck Light!_

Her breathing shaky, her legs trembling, she dug her fingers deep into the couch. She was waiting for the pain to crush her chest, her heart to stop beating any second.

 _Think, think, damn it!_

 _Why aren't you dead already if he could kill you? Maybe… maybe I can still make it?_

She was still alive, and suddenly the magnitude of it, overwhelmed her. She was still breathing, her heart was still beating, no matter how much it hurt.

She could not let Light win.

Even if it was the last thing she did, she'd get the information to Wammy's house. She'd see to it, that Light would die!

With a cold determination she picked up her phone, and dialed.

"Chief Yagami… it's me, Fay. Could you please come up to my room? There is something I need to ask of you."


	31. Cells

**I hope that you like this chapter - and if you do, pleeease, review. It means so much to me.**

* * *

 **November 5th, 2004**

Fay kept thinking about a random piece of information, she had grabbed from a biology class in Wammy's house, a thousand years ago. That when a person dies, not all their cells die simultaneously. Brain cells of course die very fast, within minutes, when the flow of oxygen is cut off - and with them goes the personality, the soul if you would call it that (and Fay would). But some parts of the human body can live a lot longer after death, depending on their type and position. Skin cells live the longest - they can survive days, by absorbing oxygen from the air through osmosis.

It kept haunting Fay. The thought of L's skin still being alive. Those cells - weren't they a part of him? Weren't they as much a part of him as his heart, his brain, his soul?

When she had brushed his lips with hers for the last time, had his lips still been alive?

Fay filled her glass with wine and gulped it down. Her stomach was empty and the wine rose to her head almost immediately. Adding to the effect of the four - or five? benzos she had already taken. She couldn't remember if it had been four or five, and it kept troubling her.

 _Was it 60mg or 75mg you took?_

 _You probably shouldn't be drinking this wine right now._

Whatever, she decided, taking another sip. No matter the exact amount, it still had been a dose a lot higher than the 15mg she usually had, and she could definitely feel it - with or without the wine.

Funny how her hands had stopped shaking. How the tension of her muscles melted away, as she little by little began to feel drowsy.

She knew she was heartbroken, grief stricken, devastated - but she couldn't quite reach the depth of that feeling right now. She could think about L, about his skin cells still being alive, almost as if she was watching a movie, like this wasn't really happening to her but to someone else.

Of course, that wouldn't last forever. Fay was well aware that the grief would hit her like a truck as soon as the effect of the drugs wore out.

But for now, this was okay.

If something, it had been a lot easier to talk with Yagami-san like this, when she wasn't drowning in her feelings.

"I am going back home." she had said, when the old man had arrived to her rooms soon after her phone call. "I booked the tickets for the night flight to Paris."

He hadn't seem surprised, if something he had looked sad, and very tired.

"I understand." he had replied. "We will miss you being around, but-"

"-but you know it as well as I do, Yagami-san. That I was never here for the Kira case. I was only here for Ryuzaki, and now that he's… _gone_ -" a short pause, to be able to continue. "Now... there is nothing for me here anymore."

"Just tell me Fay, is there anything I can do for you? Ryuzaki's death… the truth is, I feel like I have failed, that I failed him, and you as well."

His outright honest words had surprised Fay, but then again, she should have guessed.

Chief Yagami was a father - not just to Light, but in a sense, to everyone around. It would be only logical, that he had in his own way, cared deeply for L too. Looking at his tired eyes, noticing the dark circles around them, hearing the tremble of his low voice, Fay knew - Chief Yagami felt L's loss a lot more deeply than she had first realized.

She had placed her hand on his arm, to comfort him, or herself, she couldn't have said.

"You did not fail him, quite the contrary, Yagami-san. Ryuzaki held you in high esteem. But if you could do a final favour for him-?"

"Tell me, Fay. What can I do"

"Just… make sure he is cremated. He wanted it that way."

A short pause. A shadow of grief, of dark emotions had passed Chief Yagami's face. Then he had gave out a long, resigned, sigh.

"Of course. I promise. Anything else?"

"No, thank you, Yagami-san. I don't think there's anything _anyone_ can do for me now."

She hadn't even tried to hide the suicidal note of her tone. If they all thought she was going to end her life, all the better. Maybe that would even be enough to keep Kira off her heels for a few days.

Maybe.

Fay shook her head and returned to the moment.

 _Cremated._

The thought caused her pain, but it had been a right thing to do, to ask it of Chief Yagami. It had been L's wish - Fay knew it, for they had long ago went through their thoughts on the matter.

But now she kept thinking about his skin. His soft, ivory white skin that was warm under her touch. That blushed on his high cheekbones, when they kissed or when she called him 'lover'. That was still alive, would still be, when-

 _Don't! Don't think about that!_

 _He was right, you know - nothing but an empty shell. Let go already._

Fay finished the glass of wine, laid it on the table, and with a sigh walked to her bedroom.

She had started packing before her talk with Chief Yagami, so her bag was already on the bed. Now she stared at it, with her foggy mind unable to decide if there was anything she really needed to take.

There was a white T-shirt on the bed, and suddenly it caught Fay's eye.

It was L's, of course. He had left it behind this morning, after their lovemaking.

 _Was it really just this morning?_

The thought was absurd. It felt like an eternity ago, that he had pinned her down on this bed, kissed her, made her his. No way, it was just this morning.

Fay picked up the shirt and brought it to her face.

It still had his scent in it - vanilla and cotton, and inhaling it felt like breathing in heaven.

Even through benzos, Fay's heart ached and a wail escaped her lips.

She remembered with painful clarity how it felt to breath in that scent, burying her face into his neck. And she knew, the scent would fade. She knew it, because no matter how much she had tried to hang on to the memory of her mother's smell as a kid, somewhere during the years it had been lost into the dream world, until she had forgotten every fragrance of it.

The same would happen this time.

In time, she would lose L's smell, like a dream when you wake up. Something you think you'd remember forever, but in the end it will slip through your fingers like water.

 _Yeah, well, you'll be dead in a few weeks, tops. This shirt should hold the scent until that._

"Fay, stop thinking that way. I need you to stay alive."

She shrieked, and the shirt fell from her grip, as she swirled around.

It had been L's voice. She was sure of it. But the room was empty, only shadows played in the dark corners, the moving light that entered the room from between the curtains making them look like something alive.

"Lawliet…?" she breathed.

No answer, only the silence, and the loud pounding of her heartbeat in her ears.

"Lawliet, damn it…!" her voice broke. "If you're going to haunt me, then at least show me your face!"

Still no answer.

Fay felt her every muscle tense like a string, as she waited.

Nothing happened. The silence was impenetrable.

 _Maybe that second glass of wine was too much_. Fay let out a sigh, turning back to the bag on the bed. She stuffed the T-shirt in. _Maybe it was the benzo overdose. Maybe you're losing your mind._

But her heart beat like crazy inside her ribcage, and she couldn't calm it down.

 _Maybe it was really him._


	32. Cedarwood

**I've got almost no reviews after the chapter where L died... Makes me a bit discouraged. :( Yeah, I know many of you wanted for me to keep him alive, and I guess that is a good thing, because that means you liked the Fay/L romance? But honestly, I tried to find a way to not kill him, but it just didn't work. I've never been able to write happy couples. When I thought about this story with L alive, all I could get was: "And then Kira died, and L and Fay lived happily ever after." Not much of a story.**

 **So I decided to go with my intuition, and write about the things I want to write. Heartbreak. Suffering. Love that doesn't end in death.**

 **I sincerely hope you keep on reading, for I have some neat twists planned for the future. And please, review. I get so damn discouraged when I get no feedback. Makes me feel like I've lost my mojo.**

* * *

 **November 5th, 2004**

A half an hour later Fay made her way through the lobby, towards the exit of the building, when she heard someone behind her. Hurrying steps, and then a voice she knew all too well.

"Fay, wait!"

 _Matsuda, oh no, Matsuda._ A pang of guilt flashed through Fay's core. Had she really meant to left without saying goodbye to him?

She turned around to face him.

Matsuda's large, beautiful eyes were full of worry, and he seemed even paler than usually. He had removed his suit jacket, but was still wearing a white shirt and a tie, as always, his spotless office uniform. His hair fell to his forehead, making him look boyish, a lot younger than his actual 26 years.

"Is it true?" he asked, his eyes meeting hers. "Are you really leaving?"

 _Damn, I can't do this right now!_

Fay's fingers gripped on her handbag.

"Yes."

"But Fay, I don't understand-!"

"Walk with me, will you?"

Fay gave a long, trembling sigh, and turned away. She continued walking, out of the front doors, to the cold november night of Tokyo. Matsuda hesitated only for a heartbeat, before following her out without a jacket.

Fay felt dizzy, and it was surprisingly difficult to walk straight. She suspected Matsuda noticed something was off with her, but he said nothing of it, like he said nothing of the fact he was probably freezing.

 _What do I care? Let him think I'm drunk if he wants to._

But still she felt embarrassed somehow. She couldn't help it - she wanted him to think highly of her. She didn't want for him to remember her as a drunken mess, who couldn't keep her shit together.

Even if she had all the reason in the world, to be falling apart right now.

The subway station was close, not two blocks from the HQ, and they soon reached the entrance. Even if it was late, there were people going in and out, as always in Tokyo, the city that never slept. A buzzing beehive. Usually the constant flow of people gave Fay comfort, a sense that life would go on, no matter what, but now it was just another reminder of what had happened. That everyone else's life was unchanged, everyone else's heart was still beating. It was just her, who had lost all. It was only her world, that had come to an end.

Fay turned to look at Matsuda again.

 _This is the last time you'll see him._

She made an effort to sound as sober as possible, and straightened up.

"I know this is not what you want to hear, Matsu, but I know Light is Kira. And I know Light killed Ryuzaki."

Matsuda looked like he had been hit. Whatever he had expected for her to say, it clearly wasn't this.

"No way!" he exclaimed. "Light was there the whole time, in the room with us. There was no way he wrote Ryuzaki's name in the book. He couldn't have!"

"Maybe he didn't do it himself, but he had it done."

Matsuda made a nervous half smile, awkward.

"Eh… I'm sorry, Fay, but I-"

"No matter." Fay sighed. Suddenly she felt very tired, exhausted. "You know, Ryuzaki was right about that too."

"About what?"

"That you would _never_ turn on Light. That you would believe in his innocence no matter what."

"Oh…?" a short silence. Matsuda ran his fingers through his hair. "Ryuzaki said that about me?"

"He said many things about you, Matsu. He said you are a good man, in many occasions."

Matsuda fell silent. In the flickering light of the entrance of the subway station, his face was very pale. It was obvious he hadn't expected to hear that L had complimented him. And Fay couldn't really blame him - L had thought Matsuda was an idiot also, and said it too, almost on daily bases.

"I am leaving, because I cannot stay here." Fay continued finally. "I will not stay, and watch as Light kills each and every one of you. I will not stay, and watch you to be killed, Matsu."

"But Fay, the 13 day rule-"

"Was just about to be proven wrong! And on that moment…" she had to pause, to force the words off her mouth. "... on that exact moment Ryuzaki died."

There was a short silence following her words. Matsuda looked down, clearly shaken by her words.

"You can believe it was a coincidence-" Fay went on. "-if you wish to, but I don't believe in coincidences. Light killed Ryuzaki, so that he could not prove that rule to be fake."

"It was the shinigami who killed Ryuzaki, not Light. And I guess we'll never know why. I'm sorry, but I… I can't believe Light was behind that."

 _Oh, Matsuda, you fool._

Fay's heart twisted, it was hard to breath. But still, she would miss Matsuda's faith in people.

"I know you can't. And that's why I'm leaving. All of you love Light. I was the only one who loved Ryuzaki, and now he is gone. My place is not here with you."

"I disagree." Matsuda stated. "I want you to stay. Stay with us, and help us catch the real Kira. You'll see it isn't Light."

"Sorry, no can do." Fay managed a weak attempt of a smile. "But Matsu… You could come with me. Come with me, now, tonight. No regrets, no looking back. Just don't stay here and be killed."

A second passed, another one. Matsuda's eyes seemed huge in the dim light.

"I'm sorry, Fay… I… I can't."

"Yeah, I know. It's too bad, though. I will miss you."

She tiptoed, to give him an embrace - with his 174cm he was a way taller than Fay. He seemed surprised, but after a heartbeat he responded, wrapping his arms gently around her body.

They hadn't touched like this since… since the kiss. Fay had been careful not to get too close to Matsuda, to not give him any ideas. But tonight, the world had ended, and Fay knew she would die.

 _This is the last time I'll see him._

 _God, I hope he doesn't die too!_

His arms around her weary body were comforting and, suddenly Fay felt very small, fragile, fractured. The tears she had held back all night, found their way into her eyes. They burned, tasted like salt and iron and fear, and she bit her lip to stop them from falling to her cheeks.

But she couldn't.

She couldn't stop the tears, even if crying felt like dying, like choking in her own blood. She pressed her forehead to Matsuda's chest, when the emotion gored through her defences, and the first wail of despair left her lips. His arms around her were so warm, steady and strong. He scented of cedarwood and cypress and salt, and before she knew, Fay was crying like a child, the sobs making her whole body tremble.

He didn't try to comfort her with words. He didn't say any stupid, meaningless phrases, like 'it's going to be alright', for they both knew it wouldn't. There were no words to ease Fay's pain, and thus Matsuda offered her none.

But he offered her a shoulder to cry on, and for that Fay was grateful.

"I loved him." she sobbed, her voice thick with tears. "I loved him more than anything!"

Matsuda's arms were soothing around her, he gently caressed her hair.

"I know." he replied silently.

"Six days. I only had him for six days."

"Yeah…"

"It's not fair!"

He didn't say anything to that, but he kept her close, let her bury her face into his shirt, let her fingers grip into his shoulders, let her lean on him when the world was crumbling into pieces around her.

It took a long time for Fay to find her balance again, but Matsuda didn't seem to be in a hurry. He kept her close, as if she was a child, as if he could protect her from the evils of the night by just holding her in his arms.

Fay didn't know how much time had passed. It could've been minutes, or hours, she couldn't have said. The tears that had dried on her cheeks were sticky, strands of her hair were like glued to her face. She tried to wipe them with her hand, but Matsuda offered her something.

"Here, take this."

It was one of those moist towelettes every restaurant in Japan offers to customers before food. Fay took it, and silently opened the pack, wiped her face with the tissue, hoping it would make her look a bit more like a human.

"Thank you." she said, and stepped a bit further away from Matsuda. "Thank you, and not just for the towelette."

He seemed so serious, almost heartbroken, and Fay wondered if it was L's death, or her leaving, that had erased the smile from Matsuda's lips.

"No, thank you, Fay." he replied. "You took the bullet for me. I'm not going to forget that."

Fay didn't say anything to that. What was there to say? She had taken the bullet for L, but it had been no use. He had ended up dead anyways, and Fay was alone, more so than she had ever been in her life.

"Just try not to die, Matsu." she said, and with that, she turned around and left him.

* * *

 **Haha, got to quote Jesse Pinkman in this chapter. :D Have I told you I love Jesse Pinkman (from Breaking Bad)? I should probably write a fanfic of him as well. Any of you guys like him?**


	33. Home

**Hey guys - thank you so much for the reviews for my latest chapter! I'm glad to hear that you're still reading this - I hope you'll like this chapter, even if it is a short one. And pleeeease, review - it really helps me stay motivated. I'm _dying_ to hear what you thought of this one!**

* * *

 **20 hours later, Paris.**

Fay had been away for three months, but her name was still on the door.

 _Oh, Césaire, you should've gotten rid of that._

She hadn't slept in the plane. In fact she felt like she had never slept in her life, like sleeping was one of those things other people did, people who still had places to go, people to meet. life to live.

She was so exhausted and drained, that her hand didn't even shake when she pressed the doorbell. She heard the familiar sound through the door, the note that made her heart ache in the strangest way.

She hadn't realized she had missed this place, not until now. She hadn't realized she had missed Césaire, her painfully normal life with him, something that now felt like a distant dream.

And then, his footsteps. Fay could tell he was barefoot - a thing she had loved about him. Her heart skipped a beat as the door opened, and she saw him.

His beautiful, blue eyes widened, he went pale. He grabbed the doorframe, as if it was difficult for him to stay on his feet.

"Fleur..!"

His voice was nothing but a thin whisper.

"Please." Fay breathed. "I have nowhere else to go."

A silence that lasted for an eternity. Césaire's gaze went from Fay's eyes to her crumpled clothes, to the small bag on her shoulder, and back to her face. She knew she looked like Hell, and it was obvious he noticed it.

He leaned on the doorframe, barefoot, in a T-shirt and jeans, and silently shook his head. A long sigh escaped his lips as he ran his fingers through his chestnut hair.

"Fine. Come in."

* * *

She was standing in her old bedroom, staring out of the window, at the Arc de Triomphe in all its glory. Césaire had given her the bedroom, a true gentleman, sleeping on the living room couch himself.

It was cold. Fay wrapped her arms around her shivering form. She was wearing only L's old T-shirt - she hadn't brought a nightgown, and it had felt wrong in so many levels to borrow one of Césair's shirts. It felt wrong enough to sleep in his bed, to take advantage of his hospitality after the things she'd put him through… but this had been the only option.

She needed a place where no one could find her. A place to think.

Her body was still in Tokyo time, and after a couple of hours of restless sleep, full of nightmares, she had woken up at 3AM, knowing it was futile to even try to fall back to sleep.

The night of Paris was beautiful. L's scent lingered in the air around her, and she inhaled it, desperately, trying to fill her lungs with it, so that it would never leave her.

Futile, she knew, but still she tried.

Tomorrow she would write down everything she remembered, every little detail of the Kira case. And send it all to Wammy's house. To Near and Mello.

And then…

A sickening feeling made her gut tie into a knot.

Would she try to kill herself again?

It was all she could think of, but… but she kept hearing the words that had startled her in her rooms in Tokyo.

" _Fay, stop thinking that way. I need you to stay alive."_

Fay shook her head.

 _Stop thinking about that! It was nothing but too much benzos and wine. He's gone, and you know it._

She turned her eyes back at the window, back at the Arc de Triomphe in the distance - and saw a figure, a reflection in the glass.

She wasn't alone.

Fay made a gasp, all her muscles went tense.

A hunching form, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, a huge cloud of black hair. Face as white as the ivory of his shirt.

Fay spun around, her heart in her throat.

"Lawliet?!"

"Felicity." he replied, his voice cool and low as always.

Fay's heart was racing. She couldn't feel her face.

"Is this... a dream?"

He gave a small nod.

"Yes, undoubtedly."

 _A dream. Of course. What were you thinking?_

But she felt the cold floor tiles under her bare toes very clearly, could hear the cars on the streets outside of her window, people walking on the pavement on their way home from a party. Did you really notice these things in a dream?

"But.. if this is a dream, and I know it to be a dream, then why aren't I waking up?"

He tilted his head, blinked a few times.

"Does it usually work for you?"

"Yeah, it does."

"Huh. Well, then maybe this is not a dream."

Fay took a hesitating step closer to him. He seemed real, not transparent or otherwise ethereal. The dim light that entered the room through the window made him cast a shadow to the wall behind him.

"Don't you know?" she asked. "If this is a dream or not?"

"Don't you?"

"No. But… if this was real, shouldn't I be… I don't know. Scared?"

Something flashed in his eyes, as if he was hurt by her words, and suddenly Fay felt stupid.

Why should she be scared? This was L. She didn't really care if this was a dream or not - he was here. That was all that mattered.

"I missed you." she breathed.

"I know."

A short silence. He still seemed real, Fay could hear how he shifted his weight from foot to foot. She reached out her hand, but let it fall back down. He looked at her, his huge saucer eyes boring through her soul, and Fay tasted tears on her lips.

"Why are you here?" she breathed.

"To say that I am sorry." he said. "I just wanted you to know that."

"What are you sorry for?"

"I made a mistake. You trusted me to always be right, to always win. But I didn't. I miscalculated, and Light outsmarted me."

"No, don't say that. It's not-"

"But it is true, and I am sorry. I would have, so much, wanted to win this game."

Fay didn't say anything. She couldn't. There was a lump in her throat, tears or memories or emotions, and she felt like choking. L's eyes were huge, like saucers, and there was such sadness in them, that it cut right through Fay's heart.

He would've wanted to win the game, to outsmart Light, not just to be the best. He had wanted that, to be able to be with her.

"Lawliet…" Fay breathed. "I cannot go on without you. I came all the way here, and I promise, I'll get the information to Near, but after that… I will kill myself, if Kira doesn't get to me first."

"No, Fay. That is out of the question." his voice was tense, hard, unyielding.

"Why not! It's easy for you to say - you're not the one left behind! You're the one who _left_ , and I'm the one staying here with all this crap, and I just want to see you again, I want to _die_ -"

"No, Fay, you can't. There is someone who needs you."

"What, Near?"

He tilted his head, looking towards the ceiling, as if he was seeing something she couldn't.

"Not him, Someone else."

"I don't understand."

"You will."

"When?"

He blinked a few times, turned his huge eyes back at hers. A small smile appeared to his beautiful lips, a smile that took Fay's breath away.

"Sooner than you think."

And just like that, she was falling.

She snapped out of the dream, covered in sweat, sheets clinging to her body, still feeling the lump in her throat. The room was empty, dark shadows lingered in the corners and Fay gasped, trying to catch her breath.

 _Fuck, no! It was a dream, just a dream._

The despair tasted like vomit, and tears fell to her cheeks.

 _Just a dream._

It was 3AM, and Fay knew it was futile to try and sleep again.


	34. Intermission

**Just a little something for your Sunday! It's time for the time skip, folks - in the next chapter we'll move five years forward, and boy - have things changed! :D I got some excited comments for the last two chapter, haha! Special thanks goes to Saffronellen, JacksonR'sgirl, TigerInTheMoonlight and CrazyCause - your support means the world to me. I couldn't do this without you! (And everyone, go and chek CrazyCauses wonderful L fanfic 'Thrown Back Into It' - it's great!)**

 **Anyways, this is a little intermission, hope you like it.**

 **And as always - pleeeease, review. You know how much it means to me.**

* * *

 **One month later.**

Touta Matsuda sat in the HQ, leaning back on his chair, fighting against boredom.

The truth was, that not much had happened in the Kira investigation lately. Not that Ryuzaki had believed in his capability to do things, but at least things had been interesting back then. You had never known what to expect when Ryuzaki had been around.

But then he had died, and Fay had left… and all that was left was their small task force.

Matsuda didn't exactly miss Ryuzaki - he had been unnerving to be around! But sometimes he still woke up to the feeling of suffocating fear. If Kira could kill the smartest detective in the world, what hope did the rest of them have?

Besides - he missed Watari. He had gotten used to the old man being around, always offering ice cream or other treats, and not just for Ryuzaki.

And Fay… Matsuda didn't even want to think about how much he missed her. It was easier to think about Ryuzaki's death, than Fay leaving.

He shook his head to his thoughts.

 _Come on! It's not like she was your girl._

But still, sometimes he caught himself thinking about the kiss. How her slender body had felt between him and the fridge, the small sounds of pleasure she'd made when he had laid his hands on her skin.

Yeah, it was nice to think about that, even if Fay was now on the other side of the planet. It made Matsuda feel like he wasn't _completely_ hopeless with women.

His pleasant daydreaming was suddenly interrupted by Aizawa, who was waiving something in front of Matsuda's face.

"Matsuda, wake up! There's a letter for you."

Matsuda startled, and blushed, and then blushed even more for feeling stupid.

 _As if they could know what you were thinking!_

"What, for me?" he managed.

"Is there another Matsuda around?" Aizawa frowned. "For you, idiot."

"Yeah, yeah…" he muttered. "Just give it to me. Who is it from?"

A moment of silence.

"Wammy's house." Aizawa's voice was suddenly serious. "Isn't that… the place Watari established?"

"Oh?" Matsuda stood up from his chair. "I guess so… but why would-?"

"Let me see." said Light, turning around in his chair. "It might be important."

"It's for me." Matsuda said, and snatched the letter from Aizawa's grip, before he could hand it to Light. He noticed Light was frowning, clearly displeased, but for once Matsuda didn't care about his opinion. He eyed the envelope, suddenly nervous.

 _Wammy's house… England. Could it be…?_

He walked to the hallway, to get a bit of privacy, ripped open the envelope, and pulled out a simple, handwritten letter.

* * *

He kept staring at the words on the paper.

Reading them time after time.

He had no idea how much time had passed. He was sitting on the floor, still in the hallway, leaning his back on the hard, cold wall. The paper had grumbled in his fingers, but he didn't even notice.

 _So, she is dead then. Took her own life._

He remembered how he had held her, in front of the subway station. Her hair had smelled of green tea and roses.

Tears ran down Matsuda's cheeks, and he did nothing to wipe them off.

* * *

 **Ooo, and I completely rewrote the chapter 1, if you want to check it out! Let's be honest - it was rubbish, haha! :D**


	35. Whisky Soda

**Hey, guys! Sorry for the delay in updating - I've been so busy lately, phew! :O**

 **But here it is, a new chapter. It's after time skip now, so five years have passed since L died.**

 **As always, I do appreciate all feedback, so please, please take the time to leave a review. It'll only take one minute of your time.**

* * *

 **January 1st, 2010, Tokyo.**

Fay sat at the bar, stirring her whisky soda.

It was a small place, not two blocks from her hotel, and she came there often, almost every night lately, just to have a drink by herself.

A hotel room, no matter how nice, was nothing but an empty room, and being alone was… being alone.

It gave too much room to think. And she hated it, when she remembered.

 _Oh, Lily. I miss you so much. I wish I was with you._

With Lily she _never_ had time to think.

It had been five years since she'd left Japan - or not left, more like fled - panic in her blood and Kira on her heels. She had swore never to come back, but here she was. In this shady, dark bar that made her feel like she was back in the 1950's. The men in their dark business suits, having a drink, trying to postpone going home for another hour or so. The cigarette smoke in the air, the girl behind the counter, wearing a kimono and real flowers in her hair. It was a place from another world, another era - something that suited well with Fay. It was an escape of the reality, for reality sucked.

She was the only gaijjin in the bar, and the only girl too. All the other customers were men in their suits, as usual. From time to time someone approached her, but they were easily dismissed - either by pretending that she didn't speak Japanese, or by speaking it too well.

It wasn't like she was here for the company. She was here to get drunk. To numb the pain, to soothe the beast that had been eating her alive for the past five years. The one she did her best to keep dormant, whenever she was with Lily, but that was always present nevertheless. The ache in her bones, the taste of steel on her lips, the arrowhead buried deep in the muscle of her heart.

The absence of Lawl-

 _No, no, no, no, no!_

She pushed his name off her mind. It would bring nothing but tears, and with tears came no good.

She had wept enough. The time for that was over.

"27 days." she said to her drink. "27 days of this shit hole, and then-"

And then what?

 _Then you'll see Light pay for what he did._

But after that? She couldn't think that far.

 _He_ had asked that of her once, a lifetime ago.

" _What would you want to do, Fay?"_

" _I don't know. But I do know, I want there to be a lot of you, and a lot of Cava."_

But he was no more. And cava tasted like tears nowadays, not like high skies, endless possibilities and stars. She never drank it anymore, only whisky, for it had a different taste - of revenge and oblivion - the only things she really needed, to get through these 27 days.

Fay stirred her drink again, and the ice cubes rattled. A sip, and another one. She wasn't nearly drunk enough. She needed a lot more whisky to sleep like the dead, to not dream.

She couldn't take the dreams.

Deep in her thoughts, Fay didn't even notice as the door of the bar opened, and two men stepped inside.

"I'm telling you! It's over between Light and Misa-Misa. I'm sure he's going to ditch her and go for Takada-"

"Matsuda, you idiot!"

That made Fay gasp, and look up. Her face went numb. Christ! It really was them - Matsuda and Aizawa.

 _Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!_

 _This could ruin everything!_

And yet, her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Matsuda - his boyish charm still got to her. The truth was, she had missed him. It had been one of the hardest things she had ever done, to send the fake news of her suicide to him, thinking she'd never see him again.

But it had been the only option. she knew. To fake her death, so well that no matter how deeply Light dug, he would only find out the information they had made up. That Fay had actually been a french girl named Fleur la Liberté, and that she had taken her life by overdosing on benzos and painkillers, a week after leaving Japan, 2004.

It had probably saved her life. Her and Lily's.

But now, looking how all blood left Matsuda's cheeks, Fay felt like a liar - and worse. Like a traitor.

She stood up, her legs feeling like jello. Her heart was trying to escape by climbing up to her throat.

Matsuda didn't look a day older than five years ago. His dark eyes were huge, hair fell to his forehead on a way that still invited Fay to brush it to the side, and she remembered how soft it had felt on her fingers, when-

 _How can you think about something like that, on a moment like this? What are you, fifteen? Besides, he probably hates your guts._

Matsuda walked slowly towards her, apparently forgetting all about taking off his coat.

"F...Fay?" He stammered. "But you… you died! I got a letter-"

"That I had taken my own life?" Fay replied. "Yeah, I died."

"But-"

"I died - as much as you did, when you fell off the skyscraper. Really, Matsu… of all people I thought you'd see through it."

A silence followed her words. Matsuda kept staring at her as if she was a ghost, and that was exactly how she felt too.

"I mourned for you." he said then, his voice breaking. "I cried for you. You _knew_ I… I cared for you, a lot. Why would you put me through something like that?"

"Idiot." muttered Aizawa. "You know why."

Fay glanced at Aizawa. She knew, he suspected Light now, that he was beginning to support Near. But Fay had made sure he had no idea she was on the case too - and she was about to keep it that way.

She turned her eyes back at Matsuda, his pale face, his burning cheeks.

"I wouldn't be alive now, if I hadn't done that." she stated. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, I really am… but it was necessary."

"You're still going on about that?" Matsuda seemed incredulous. "That nonsense about Light being Kira-"

"Keep your voice down!" Aizawa interrupted, but it seemed like no one had overheard them.

"- and you use _that_ , to justify lying to me about your death?" Matsuda finished.

"Wow, you seem awfully disappointed that I'm not dead after all." Fay snapped, rolling her eyes. "You know, I almost killed myself for real. Maybe I should've."

"That's not what I-"

"Yeah, whatever." Suddenly Fay felt miserable, and very tired. She knew she had to get out of here, the sooner, the better.

"Fay." That was Aizawa, speaking directly to her for the first time. "Why are you in Japan? Are you with… Near?"

Fay felt her heart skipping a few beats.

 _Watch your words! You can't trust him, at least not around Matsuda._

"Near? I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm sure you know him. After all you two are both from Wammy's house."

"True." Fay said. "I know him, but I have no knowledge of his current whereabouts. I send him a postcard now and then, that's how close we are. So… he's on the Kira case then?"

"Yeah." Aizawa gave a nod. "I thought maybe you were with him."

Fay turned her eyes away, shrugged as if indifferent.

"I don't do that stuff anymore, not after Ryuzaki-"

 _-Ryuzaki died._

It had been five years. Why was it so damn hard to get those words out of her mouth?! Why did it still feel like broken glass on her lips, like a dagger in her heart?

 _Damn it, if you're gonna cry! Not in front of these guys!_

"Anyhow," Fay managed to continue. "I'm here for a University Exchange program, I'm a guest lecturer at To-Oh. You can check it if you want to."

"Under what name?" Aizawa asked. "Fleur wasn't your real name, was it?"

"No, it wasn't." Fay shrugged. "I use the name Fiona Aswany. _Doctor_ Aswany, if you wish."

Fay had dug out her fake ID, and gave it to Aizawa, who in turn passed it to Matsuda. But Matsuda hardly glanced at it, his eyes were fixated on hers.

"Who are you, really?" he asked. "I know nothing about you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Fay said, even if it hurt. "You don't."

A moment of silence, that lingered on for a rather long time.

"I am sorry." Fay said finally. "I am sorry that I had to lie to you. I only did it, to stay alive. Maybe you'll find it in your heart to forgive me one day, when this is all over. And if we are still alive, let us finally have that whisky together, shall we?"

Matsuda's eyes were like broken glass, like ice over dark water.

"I have already forgiven you." he said. "And I could have that whisky right now."

Fay's heart jumped.

Suddenly he remembered the night five years ago. When Matsuda had almost died, and she had invited him to her rooms, to have a drink. She remembered how the kiss had tasted of whisky, salt and passion, how he had pushed her against the fridge and his tongue had opened her lips.

That memory sent a gush of hot need through her core, made her cheeks blush.

 _Really, what are you thinking? Sleeping with the enemy? Just get the fuck out of here!_

"I'm sorry, I… I can't."

"Really, Fay-"

"I can't stay okay?! I need to go!"

Fay didn't look at him, as she brushed past him in the doorway.

She got out, feeling like suffocating. Gasping for cold January air to fill her lungs.

And then the door opened behind her.

"Hey, wait! Fay! Don't go!"

" _Don't go."_

Those words made her heart twist. She remembered the rain, and the wind that had taken her umbrella, she remembered how water had dripped from L's hair to his neck, how he had stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, and said those words to her.

" _Don't go."_

And she had left nevertheless, walked through the rain to the car, walked away from him - a decision she had regretted every day these past, unbearable years.

Fay stopped, didn't turn around, but Matsuda caught up with her, and grabbed her shoulder. And then, just like that he pulled her into his arms, and kissed her.

Fay made a surprised gasp, but didn't resist. His lips were so soft, he pulled her close to his strong, lean chest, his hand finding the small of her back. Fay felt like falling, her knees went weak.

Finally he broke the kiss, his pupils dilated, his chest heaving.

"You need to stop walking away from me." he stated, slowly, very clearly.

Fay felt like she was floating in the air, like her feet didn't even touch the pavement.

"Okay." she breathed. "Yeah, okay, I can-"

But he kissed her again, stealing the rest of her sentence.

* * *

 **Tadaa! Here we are! So, what do you say, who should die next, haha? :D**


	36. Leo

**So... I take it you didn't like the turn of events of the last chapter? I got only one review, and it began "Nooooooo!" :O**

 **Hey, I get it - I miss L too! But poor Fay, she's mourned for L like five years, so I felt like she deserved to have a kiss. (Besides, I happened to google Goki Maeda, a Japanese actor who plays Matsuda in the TV drama, and he's frickin gorgeous. I might be in love, haha!)**

 **Anyways, here's something for you. A little flashback - hope you like it!**

* * *

 **August 1st, 2005**

Lily is born on a hot August night, under the sign of Leo.

Fay is sure that is a good omen. Aren't lions strong and fierce and unchained? She knows Lily will have a life that is full of possibilities, full of love and happiness - unlike her own.

She will never let anyone tell Lily what she can or cannot do. She will not try to mold her into something she isn't. Watching her newborn daughter's delicate features, Fay promises - she will let Lily find her own path, wherever it will take her - and Fay is sure it will be full of wonder, stars and passion.

 _How is it possible to be this happy, and this sad at the same time?_

 _It feels like my heart is breaking._

Fay lays on her hospital bed, Lily in her arms. She's so tiny, like a doll, her fingers aren't much thicker than matches. Her cheeks are rosy, and her wise, deep, dark blue eyes are closed. Fay has never heard anything as beautiful as the sound of her daughter's peaceful breathing. It sounds like a little hedgehog, snuffing and snoring.

Lily's hair is black and there is so much of it. She looks like L, the black strands of her silky hair bending to every direction. The nurse says almost every newborn has dark hair, and that it usually changes - but Fay doesn't want to believe it. She knows Lily's hair is really black, just like L's was. That she will always look like him, not just today.

She feels weary, every inch of her body aches.

It turned out, that being shot, or falling off a horse had thought Fay nothing of pain. But now she knows. She knows that giving a life to another person feels like dying.

Doing it alone, without anyone to hold her hand, was even worse

But she did it.

 _I did it for you. Lawliet, I did it for you._

That thought brings tears to her eyes, but she is emotional as it is. Damn hormones. The tears fall to her cheeks, and she wipes them off before they fall to Lily's face too. She might be a new mother, but she has already learnt that one doesn't wake up a sleeping baby.

 _You have to stop crying all the time. Or do you want Lily to have a mom who can't keep her shit together?_

And suddenly she feels the enormous weight of being a single parent, the overwhelming fear and responsibility of it. What if she can't do it? What if she ruins Lily's life?

"I can't do this without you." she breaths, the tears making her voice thick. "Lawliet, I need you."

"You will do better without me." a silent voice answers from the shadows. "Seriously, Fay. I would have been a terrible father."

Fay blinks a few times.

A dream. Again.

She knows this, but again she is unable to wake up. That's how these dreams always work. They feel real, his presence feels real, but in the end she is still alone.

 _That's_ the reality. Loneliness.

But she looks up from Lily, to L who is standing in the corner, his thumb on his lips, looking so very pale that it breaks her heart.

"And I will be a terrible mother, no doubt." she sighs. "What do I know about kids?"

"You were one." he replies. "And you remember your own mother, who loved you. I know you will do just fine."

L walks closer to her bed, and tilts his head, taking a closer look at the newborn sleeping in Fay's arms. He is silent for some time, that feels like an eternity. Fay has no idea what's going through his mind.

"I didn't know babies were this small." he finally says.

"Yeah…" she replies. "She's tiny. But Isn't she beautiful?"

"Yes. Surprisingly so, she is."

"She looks like you."

"Ah. And I hoped she'd take after you."

"Maybe she'll inherit my charming personality."

L gives a small smile. One of those, that Fay loves so much. She would give anything to see it again, for real, not just in one of these twisted dreams that her subconscious keeps sending her.

"We can only hope." he says, and takes a seat on the bed. "And your sense of humor as well."

"Lawliet, I-" she begins, but just then She hears There's someone at the door. The nurse no doubt, to see how they are doing, if the baby has been feeding. She turns her eyes from L, towards the door.

"So, how are things?" the smiling nurse steps inside, holding a tray. "Little princess asleep?"

Fay blinks.

L is gone, but she can still feel his warmth on the bed, see the crumpled sheet where he just sat.

The nurse keeps talking, but she hears nothing, her ears are ringing and suddenly it hits her. She is awake. This is not a dream.

"Aren't you pale, sweetie!" The nurse notices. "Is everything alright?"

 _Yeah, everything's fine, except that I'm losing my mind!_

 _Everything's frickin perfect._


	37. Green tea

**Heeey, sorry it's taken me so long to update! The work has been murder! :O**

 **And yes, I know this chapter will upset some of you - but hey, Fay is a girl with needs, haha! XD If you don't care to read Matsuda smut, hop on to the next chapter. I'm hoping to update before Friday, and there's going to be L in it!**

 **What else? Oh, this chapter was totally inspired by the gorgeous Goki Maeda (who plays Matsuda in the TV drama). He's yummy.**

 **Review, darlings! I live for your feedback.**

* * *

Matsuda's life was a tragedy.

He fell in love with every girl he saw. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but still - every girl that was even remotely pretty, had the capacity to sweep him off his feet.

Falling in love wasn't the tragedy, though. It was, that the girls never loved him back.

Sure, he'd had a few girlfriends, but the things had always ended rather quickly, the girl losing interest and leaving him. It was always that way, he was the one who got dumped, not the other way around. It seemed like he really _was_ hopeless with women.

Maybe it was his insecurity, maybe it was that he never seemed to grow up no matter how old he grew, maybe it was just the fact that he was always working - but whatever the reason, he certainly hadn't been lucky in love lately. Or ever.

The Hell, he had barely even seen any girls these paste years, working in the Kira case, if you didn't count Kyomi Takada or Misa-Misa on the monitors.

So, kissing Fay outside the bar, had been enough to boil his brain, and make him a steaming mess in less than a minute. And when she had taken his hand, he had followed her back to her hotel like a dog on a leash.

It was too good to be true. Fay's fingers entwining with his, her slender form that pressed against his own.

He had mourned for Fay. He had cried for her. And now...

 _She's not dead!_

That thought kept playing in his mind on repeat, and that alone was enough to make him dizzy.

 _And she's kissing me back!_

The sounds of pleasure that escaped Fay's lips into his mouth, encouraged him to kiss her harder, to push her against the wall and to let his tongue find hers.

Matsuda was pretty sure he had never kissed anyone like this.

It felt like his heart was trying to escape through her throat, the hot, billowy need filling his gut like a volcano. Fay's hands on his chest, finding the buttons of his shirt, loosening the knot of his tie sent electric like shocks through his spine, and he made a noise, half a sob half a moan.

"Fay-" he breathed into the kiss. "-I… I mean, are you sure, that-"

"I wouldn't have asked you here, if I wasn't! Stop asking that already!"

"I just-"

But she silenced him by kissing him again, burying her fingers into his hair, and Matsuda forgot what he had been about to say.

He groaned, as his hands found her tiny waist. Her lips opened for him, she tasted of whisky and strawberries. He pushed her slender form against the wall, his fingers gripping hard on her curves, feeling the silkiness of her skin under the blouse.

There was no way she didn't feel the bulge in his pants, as he pressed his body tight against hers.

He felt the grin on her lips as they kissed.

"Sweet!" she breathed. "I'm really liking _that._ "

Matsuda blushed, his cheeks burning.

"That's good. I mean. That's-"

"Shut up." she ordered. "You talk too much."

He almost expected for her to end that sentence with the so familiar 'Idiot!'. But then again - Fay had _never_ called him that. And maybe that was the reason he had fallen for her.

His lips found hers again, the sweet softness of her lower lip, the sensation of her tongue meeting his. He could feel her rapid pulse on the kiss, her breathing, that had turned so fast. She was squirming under his touch now, and slowly - still nervous - he slid his hand to her frontside, feeling his fingers trembling slightly, he found her breast.

"Oh…!" she breathed, as he gripped on her softness, feeling even through the clothes how her nipple turned hard.

"Is this-?"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" she broke the kiss. "That's frickin awesome, but stop goddamn asking it all the time! If I want you to stop, I'll say so."

 _If you told me to stop, I don't know if I could_

He thought it best not to say that out loud, though.

"Yeah, okay." he blushed. "I'm sorry, I'll try-"

"Just one thing." Fay's slender fingers opened the knot of his tie, pulled it off, and threw it away. She did it just like that, just like it wasn't the most awesome thing that had happened to him in months!

"I'm sorry, what?" he managed.

"Do you have condoms?"

 _Condoms? She means that… Damn, she really wants to have sex with me!_

 _This is the best day of my life!_

That thought made him want to dance - but he managed not to.

He couldn't hide his grin, though.

"Yeah, yes! Yes, I do."

"Neat." she smiled like a vixen. "Then please, go on, hon."

Suddenly feeling a lot more sure of himself, he opened the buttons of her blouse, and found her bra, then eased her breasts off them - which made Fay gasp and shiver.

His mouth watered as he felt the softness of her skin, the hardened nipples, their small, perky shape… The need struck through his core like a lightning bolt. He buried his face to her neck, tasted the salt of her skin. The scent of her hair - green tea and roses - filled his senses.

"Oh, please-" Fay was gasping. "oh, _please_ , that feels so good-"

He didn't know if she had meant his kisses on the base of her neck, or his touch on her chest, but he gave her more of both - feeling her breathing turning even faster. Her hands were gripping hard on his shoulders now, fingers digging into the fabric.

Matsuda felt like he was burning.

How many times had he dreamt of this moment?

Yeah, he fell in love with most girls, but with Fay it had always been different. He had wanted her like no other girl before or after - and she had broken his heart twice. First by choosing L, and then by dying.

 _I wonder if she's gonna do that this time too? Break my heart?_

But quickly he pushed the thought off his mind.

 _Even if she was going to do that, would you really want to stop now?_

Like he could do that, even if he wanted to. The thought was absurd. The desire, the burning need inside of his core was like a beast eating him alive. He knew it wouldn't be soothed, unless he had her, all of her, like he had dreamt.

His fingers pushed her blouse off her shoulders, slid to her back and unclasped her bra. With haste, with trembling hands he removed his own shirt as well, and pulled Fay back into his arms. Feeling his skin on hers, the bulging front of his pants against her crotch, Fay moaned.

"Please, Matsu, I need you-" her voice was thin, not much more than a whimper.

"What do you need?"

"Touch me, _please_ , touch me…!"

 _I am touching you! Any way you could be a bit more specific?!_

But she was almost panting, squirming under his touch, pressing her hips eagerly against his, which encouraged him to slide his fingers to the waistband of her jeans, find the buttons and open all of them, which was surprisingly difficult, being french kissed by a half naked woman. His hands trembling, Matsuda pulled down her jeans, down to her mid thigh, revealing her pretty, pink laced panties.

He had to stop kissing her for a moment, to take a look at all that gorgeousness! Fay's sweet, soft breasts with their pink, hardened nipples, her tiny waist, the feminine curve of her hips, the whiteness of her skin against the pink of her underwear… Matsuda breathed in the sight, let it sink to his brain.

With her jeans halfway on, her lips parted, her pupils dilated, she looked incredibly sexy. A primitive need to throw her to the bed and just take her, with or without her consent, filled his bloodstream, and he really had to fight it. He clenched his fists, nails digging into the skin of his palms.

"You're so… so pretty." he breathed, his voice weird and thick in his throat.

She answered with a grin, and reached her hands back to his naked shoulders, sliding her cool, smooth fingers down his arms. Matsuda felt his muscles going tense under her touch, the burning need pulsing deep inside of his abdomen, making his breathing shallow, uneven.

Fay's fingers glided to his chest, to his abdomen, and he couldn't help a moan that left his lips. Her fingertips were so soft, cool on his burning skin. They stopped on the waistband of his trousers, slowly beginning to open his belt.

"Oh, Gods-" he gasped.

She made a sexy giggle and ripped off his belt, and then her fingers were on the front of his pants, making him groan out loud.

"Oh, that's good-" he breathed, burying his face into her hair. "That's… so… oh… oh-"

He couldn't help it - his hips answered the caresses her hand was giving him. Palming his shaft through the fabric, Fay's fingers were sure and gripped him hard. The pressure in his groin was agonizing, the erection so hard he felt like he was about to come any second.

He groaned, gripped hard on her waist, and kissed her with all his ardor.

Sucking her lower lip into his mouth, drinking her gasps of pleasure, all the while feeling her fingers on his shaft, he eased down her sexy little panties, feeling the silkiness of her abdomen, the curves of her hips.

His hand found the way to her crotch.

"Oh, Christ!" Fay cursed, breaking the kiss. "Oh, God, yes, please-"

She was wet already, slick and swollen under his touch. Matsuda felt like his chest was about to explode, his heart racing inside of his rib cage. Fay's slender form was shivering, she was squirming, her fingers let go of his shaft, gripping hard on his arms, on his shoulders.

Encouraged by her reaction, he continued caressing her - his gentle fingers finding her clit, adding just a bit of pressure, massaging it - wich made Fay moan out loud.

He loved the way her voice got caught in her throat, how she couldn't control the noises that left her lips. It turned him on more than anything. It made him feel like a Man.

He wrapped his left arm around Fay's feverish body, securing her between his strong chest and the wall, his other hand busy finding the most sensitive spots of her womanhood, sliding inside of her, in and out, brushing gently on her swollen clit, turning her into a shivering mess that was moaning and sobbing, her face buried in his neck, her lips tasting his skin.

"Ah… ah…. ah, Matsu, _please, please, please, please_ -"

His hand found the rhythm she was begging for, her hips answering the thrusts of his fingers, he felt her legs going weak, trembling as he pleased her. The noises she made were madly arousing, he felt her sobs and fast breaths on the skin of his chest, his throbbing cock pressed tight against her hip, sending waves of pleasure through his core as well.

He realized she was close - for a few heartbeats he wondered if he should stop what he was doing, to search for the condoms in the pocket of his suit jacket, and take her - _really_ take her. But she was begging and moaning, and he realized how much she needed this. How much she needed for him to just give this to her.

 _Maybe it's been a while since she'd had any?_ he wondered. _Yeah, just be patient. She's gonna thank you for this!_

He fastened the pace of his caresses, added some pressure on her swollen clit. Fay dig her fingernails into his shoulders so that it hurt.

"Ah, God, Matsu, _pleeeease_ , I'm gonna-" her sentence ended in a high pitched moan, and he felt how every muscle in her body clenched tight, how her back arched, she gasped for air…. and then, the release.

Her legs trembled, an animal sound of pure pleasure left her lips. Matsuda felt the primitive pulse of her sweet, slick heat around his fingers. It was intoxicating, making him almost come into his pants.

"Oh, sweet Heaven…!" he moaned into her hair, trying to find his balance, before slowly sliding his fingers off her.

She took a few shaky inhales, and then broke into a smile.

"Gods, Matsu!" she laughed. "Where the Hell did that come from?"

"Umm… you know. Years of mental practice?"

"Hah!" she grinned. "Just that you know, that was one Hell of a handjob! I owe you one."

And with her last words she reached to touch the front of his pants, and Matsuda lost his cool. A low wail escaping his lips, he leaned closer to her again, kissed her - hungry, desperate - feeling her fingers on the waistband of his pants.

The belt was already gone, and the button and the zipper didn't take long to open. Fay pulled down his trousers, and boxers, and by the time her hands found his shaft, Matsuda's blood was boiling.

He was so turned on by the things they'd just done, that he was sure he'd come all over her, when she wrapped her fingers around his length, gripping him tight.

He bit his lip, clenched his fists tight.

 _There's no way you're gonna come like this, and end this short! Just… hold on, think about something else, something else, something else-_

But he couldn't force his thoughts away from the way she touched him. Her hand gripping him hard, slowly, agonizingly pumping him on a way that made his guts turn to fire, his heart go wild in his chest, his veins fill with lava.

"Fay…. _Fay_ -" he gasped, groaned. "Fay….!"

"Yes?" she replied, giving him an innocent grin.

"The condoms…!" he was barely able to speak. "They're in my pocket. The pocket of my suit jacket-"

"Ooh, you use them at the office?" she gave him a laugh and a wink. "I might want to rejoin the Kira investigation, if that's the case."

"Just…" he was panting now. "Just… oh God, Fay…. just let me get them."

After a few more pumps, and a kiss on the lips, she let go of his cock.

"Don't bother, I'll get them."

With a wicked grin Fay knelt on the floor and after just a few seconds of searching, found the unopened pack. A sound of the tinfoil ripping, and before Matsuda could say a word, Fay was already touching him again, her hands gently caressing his length - and then, without a warning, she took him into her mouth.

"Ah! Damn!" he spat out. "Ah, that's… _so_ … amazing-"

Understatement of the year.

He grabbed her hair, let his fingers sink deep into her sassy read curls, feeling her tongue on his cock, her lips tight around it. He glanced down at her, her green cat eyes that were looking back at him. She looked so beautiful, that his heart almost burst.

He wanted for her to go on like this, forever.

He wanted to thrust his dick deep into her mouth, all the way to her throat. He wanted to come into her like this, his throbbing cock on her tongue, his fingers in her hair, her lips around his aching shaft-

"Oh, fuck, Fay...!" he cursed, as she pulled her head back, and his cock popped out of her mouth.

"Liked that, didn't you?" she laughed.

But she didn't give him a chance to answer, for her cool fingers were back on him, rolling on the condom.

Gone was the hesitation, gone was the nervousness.

He had never wanted a woman like this.

As soon as she was done, Matsuda pulled her into his arms, kissing her with such fever and determination that it left them both breathless. His tongue entered her mouth, a foretaste of the other way he was about to enter her. He buried his fingers deep into her hair, pulled her head back and kissed her neck, tasted the sweat off her skin, his tongue finding the small dimple between her collarbones. His hands slid to her back, to her butt, feeling the softness of her curves - and then, without a warning, he lifted her up, pushed her back against the wall. Fay made a surprised gasp, but instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist - as he pushed in.

"Ah, Matsu!" she moaned and winced. "Christ!"

He instantly stopped.

 _Damn, you idiot! You're ruining this! Can't you control your urges?_

"I'm sorry! I thought you were… Am I… I mean, did I hurt you?"

"Just… just a bit, but it's _good_." A small smile on her lips. "It's really good. Don't stop."

"You sure-?"

"Didn't I tell you to stop asking so many questions?"

"Oh, right." he felt his cheeks burning. "Sorry, I-"

"Just get on with it already, hot-stuff. I'm waiting for you to fuck me."

 _Hot-stuff?_

Matsuda was pretty sure he had never been called that before! But then again, he had never made love to a girl like Fay before, either.

Feeling her arms around his neck, her lips on his, her weight on his hands, he slowly pushed back inside, taking his time.

She was so damn tight, it was agonizing. He pushed deep, the slick, swollen heat surrounding him, a long moan leaving Fay's lips as he did so. She weighed close to nothing, her slender form clinging to him like it was meant to be, and Matsuda felt losing his grip to reality.

Deeper, deep inside of her - the passion drove him to slam his hips against her, again and again, to find the release that he knew was within her. Her gaps turned into sobs, into moans, into primitive throaty sounds that went straight to his bloodstream.

His pace fastened, every thrust was deep and raw. His heart was pounding in his chest, his fingers digging into the softness of her ass.

He felt getting close, too close.

 _Not yet, not yet!_

Groaning he pulled out of her, took a few deep breaths to cool his head.

Fay wailed in despair.

"No, please don't stop, please don't stop, please don't stop-" .

"To the bed." he managed, carried her across the room, and laid her down on the sheets, slamming his cock deep inside of her, with one fierce thrust.

"Aah..! _Yes,_ Matsu, that's _sooooo_ gooood…!"

But he couldn't answer, the words got stuck to his throat. All that was left, was the need, the urge to have her, to pin her down on the bed and make her his, invade her and come deep inside of her. To release himself in her.

The rhythm of his hips was fast and hard, her body answered his moves, her fingers were on his back, the nails digging into his skin. He barely heard her cries and moans, but felt them on his lips as he kissed her, drinking her sounds of pleasure.

And just when he felt her back arching again, her legs trembling, those thighs that wrapped around his hips, those heels that pulled him closer, deeper into her - he knew he couldn't hold on anymore.

A wolfish growl escaping his lips, he let go, joined her orgasm, and came like never before.

* * *

 **Haha! Review, please.**


	38. Chardonnay

**Hey, thank you soooo much for the amazing reviews I have received lately. It really, really gives me so much joy and happiness to hear that you're liking this fic. I couldn't do this without you. I have so many unfinished fics, because I've lost inspiration when no one's been reviewing... Looks like it won't happen this time!**

 **I hope you like this chapter! There's some more L, and Lily too! :)**

* * *

Fay stared into the night that had fallen over Tokyo, the illuminated skyscrapers, the never ending lights of traffic, of cars and trains, the blinking neon signs and screens of the shops and restaurants, all blending into an ocean of brightness. In the distance, Tokyo Skytree towered over the city, pink and blue, like a shining beacon in the night.

Light, light, light everywhere. It was never really dark here.

 _You can't see the stars in a place like this. To see the stars, you have to be in the dark._

Fay missed darkness. She missed Wammy's house, where the nights were pitch black, soft like velvet. Darkness was safety. Safety of her own room, behind thick closed curtains and locked doors, in a silent house full of sleeping children.

She missed home. She missed her room, her old, wooden canopy bed that she still shared with Lily, even if she was four years old already. A dagger of pain pierced Fay's heart as she remembered her. On nights like this, when she couldn't sleep, Lily was all she could think of.

Her warmth in the bed by Fay's side - like a living radiator. Her restless little feet, that always kicked the sheets off. Her nightmares, her sleepwalking, the way she laughed in her dreams.

Lily's absence was a physical pain in Fay's core, like missing a part of her own body. Like she had lost a limb, or an inner organ. Leaving Lily behind had been the hardest thing she had ever done in her life.

But it had been necessary.

 _27 days. Near promised this will be over then._

 _And I'll see Lily again._

She had to believe that. What else was there, if she gave up hope?

Fay turned her back to the window, and closed the curtains with a sigh.

Matsuda was sleeping in her bed, lying on his belly, sheet covering his naked form from waist down. His hair was a mess, falling to his forehead, undisciplined and boyish. The lean, strong arms and shoulders were revealed to Fay's gaze, and she had to admit that it was a nice sight. God knew, it had been long enough since she'd had a man in her bed!

Five years.

It had been five years since…

Fay crossed her arms, and bit her lip.

It probably hadn't been the best idea to hook up with Matsuda, though. Now that the heat had left her body, Fay felt remorseful.

 _You should've thought this through. What the Hell are you going to say to him in the morning?_

It wasn't like this was the first time she had second thoughts after sex. But this time was different, because she actually cared for Matsuda. He was a nice guy, and he sure as Hell didn't deserve the cold treatment Fay was prepared to give him in the morning. But what choice did she have? Matsuda was practically enemy. For all Fay knew, he was still Light's lapdog.

 _Complicated. Too fucking complicated!_

With a sigh she walked to the other room of her hotel suite, the small living room with a minibar. She opened the fridge and took out a small bottle of Chardonnay, and poured it into a glass.

"You still drink too much, Fay." a silent voice said behind her, making Fay spill the wine.

She span around, her heart racing. L was crouching in a chair, hugging his knees, a thumb on his lips.

"And you scared the shit out of me!"

"I am sorry. That was not my meaning."

Fay shook her head and cleaned the table, took her glass and walked to the couch, to take a seat across the table from L. She breathed in the sight, his pale skin, the dark eyes, his oh-so-familiar posture. Christ, she had missed him like crazy! It had been so long since his last visit, that a part of her had begin to fear he wouldn't appear at all anymore.

"I haven't seen you in… what, six months?" she said "Why are you here now?"

A moment of silence. L glanced towards the open doorway that lead to her bedroom.

"Matsuda? Really?" he noted dryly. "He isn't really smart enough to attract you, is he?"

Fay shrugged. "It's not always about the IQ. He has… other good attributes."

"Oh, does he?"

"What, you came from the other side to scold me? Is that all you have to say?"

He was silent for a short while, tilted his head. His long, thin fingers moved on his lips.

"Perhaps I am curious." he finally said. "On your choice of my replacement."

"Curious? Or jealous?"

"Hmmm. It is not an emotion completely unknown to me."

"Whatever…" Fay sighed, and took a sip of her wine. "It's not like I'm totally over the moon by this either. This is really complicated. I mean, what am I to say to him in the morning? 'Thank you Matsu, it was great, but I can't get emotionally attached - I have a ghost for a boyfriend.'"

That made L give out a small smile

"Ah, I'm hardly a ghost."

"Then what are you? A hallucination?"

"Certainly not."

"If you were, though, that's exactly what you would say."

"True. But still, I am relatively sure I'm not a hallucination. I think we've covered that already. If I was, other people couldn't see me."

Fay knew exactly what he was talking about. The memory flashed through her in a heartbeat.

* * *

Lily is two and a half years old.

Fay is sitting on the floor, watching as Lily draws something with her crayons. It's a quiet moment, a rare one. They don't come that often with Lily, who's a real whirlwind, a force of nature. Sometimes Fay wonders where did she get that from.

Fay loves these stolen moments. She loves to just watch her daughter, forget about everything else, the world outside these walls, the things she used to do before Lily was born, the things she's seen, the things she's still afraid of.

Lily is adorable. She still looks like L, her black hair a mess like his always was, her skin white as porcelain, her eyes huge saucers surrounded by thick, black lashes. But her irises aren't the dark grey L's were, they are green like hers, and Lily has freckles too, which looks kind of cute. She is such a pretty child, and it's not just Fay who thinks that. She gets it all the time, strangers on the street stop to talk at them, to smile at Lily, to give her small treats.

"Such a little angel." they say. "You must be so proud."

If only they knew, she thinks then. If only they knew how hard it has been, these years raising her alone. How much Fay has hated everything in her life, every minute, every waking hour on the nights she can't sleep, every bad decision she has ever made.

 _Everything_ except for Lily. She's the only thing she has never regretted.

Fay doesn't really like it, though. The fact that Lily draws people's attention wherever they go. She would prefer to be hidden, invisible. There is safety in the shadows where no one can see you.

She knows she can't protect Lily from the world forever, but she will try as long as she can. Lily has never left the small village they live, the surroundings of Wammy's house, and that's exactly how Fay plans on keeping things for a while.

For as long as Kira is alive, she knows she's never really safe, nor is Lily.

Lily looks up at her drawing, and asks something.

Fay blinks, returns to the moment.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, what did you say?"

"You're not listening." Lily frowns.

"I'm sorry. I'm listening now." She leans closer to Lily, gathers the crayons that have rolled too far for her to reach.

"Who is the weird man, Mom?"

Fay is puzzled. She's pretty sure there aren't any weird men around. She'd be alarmed if there were - she keeps seeing Light's spies everywhere even when there is nothing to see.

"What man, sweetie?"

"The man who comes to see me sometimes." Lily asks, picking up a blue crayon. Fay doesn't know what the drawing is supposed to be, but Lily is using all the colors, as usual.

"Oh? I don't know." she replies. "What does he look like?"

"He has a loooot of hair. Black hair. And he smiles at me."

Fay is silent for a while, her heart skips a few beats.

 _A man that comes to see me sometimes._

 _A loooot of hair. Black hair._

Fay feels something in her throat, a lump that makes it hard to breath, hard to speak. But she doesn't let Lily notice. She picks up a red crayon and offers it to her daughter, who accepts it, delighted. The sky in the drawing turns red.

"What is he wearing when you see him?" Fay asks silently. "That weird man?"

"Mmh, I don't know. Pants. No shoes. I know, why. It is because he has reeeally long toes!"

Lily laughs, a clear and innocent laughter of a child. It's like water in a stream in the spring, like windchime on the porch, when summer turns to autumn.

Fay cannot answer, she has no words. She lets the silence settle to her core, calm her heart that's racing like crazy.

"Mom, you know him?" Lily asks finally. "Is he your friend?"

"Uh… yeah, I think so."

"So, who is it?"

 _Christ, what can I say? Isn't it enough that I'm seeing things? Must she go crazy too?_

But how can she say anything but the truth, even if the words get stuck at her throat, and her voice comes out all weird.

"I think… I think he's your dad, sweetie."

"Oh? What's a dad?"

 _And maybe it's time to take her out a bit more. Seriously._

"Well, I guess a dad is like a mom, but a man."

"Nah, he is not a dad." Lily pouts and shakes her head. "He is nothing like you. I think he is an angel. Ms. Wolf at the kitchen says there are angels everywhere, but we can't see them. But I think that's not true. That's just stupid."

"Okay, sweetie." Fay replies with a small nod. "Maybe he is an angel then. Just… let's keep this our secret, okay?"

Lily looks up from her drawing, that now seems to have a red sky, purple grass and a huge rainbow colored ….something, crawling through the scenery. Fay is impressed. At least her daughter doesn't lack imagination.

So maybe she shouldn't be surprised she's seeing things.

"A secret?" Lily asks "Like my real name?"

"Yeah. Can you do that?"

"Sure." she laughs. "Secrets are fun."

 _Oh darling, that's just because you are yet to learn that secrets can kill people._

* * *

Fay returned to the moment, took another sip of her wine.

"You know, there is such a thing as Folie à deux." she stated silently. "It's not impossible."

"A shared psychosis?" he looked at her as if she had really gone mad. "Are you suggesting our extremely capable and intelligent daughter is suffering from a mental disorder?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "Fine. Maybe not. But what is this then? A dream?"

"You are awake, Fay. You know it."

Fay fell silent for a short while, listening to the sounds of the night, Matsuda's peaceful breathing in the bed in the other room. It felt real, like his visits always felt. But sometimes she had woken up afterwards, covered in sweat, tangled in sheets. Maybe she was actually in the bed with Matsuda at this very moment.

Just thinking about it made her brain hurt.

"Yeah, but this started with dreams. Which makes me think that maybe this is all in my head. People see crazy things, you know."

"If I was a dream..." he paused, turned his huge panda eyes at hers. "... is this really what you would dream of?"

Fay suppressed a laughter.

"Probably not. My dreams of you used to be a lot steamier, when you were still-" she stopped mid sentence.

"When I was still alive?"

"Yeah."

A short silence.

"You had… steamy dreams of me?"

Fay rolled her eyes. "Hell, yeah. That's practically all I dreamt about, since I was sixteen!"

"Mmmm." he said. "That's interesting."

After all this time, and still he could make her smile. But her smiles with him were always the sad smiles, they never reached her heart.

It felt like her heart had stopped beating five years ago, and it still was frozen.

"Lawliet?"

"Yes, Fay?"

"Why won't you touch me?"

He looked down, his hair falling to his eyes.

"I can't."

She didn't ask why. She had asked that before, a thousand times, but he never answered. Like he never answered any of the questions concerning the nature of his essence - where did he come from, why was he here, and so on.

Fay shrugged.

"It's just… It's been five years, Lawliet. And I miss it. I miss it _so much_. That's the reason I… I slept with Matsu. I miss being touched. I _need_ to be touched."

"I know. Fay… and you should do that. You should keep on seeing Matsuda-san."

Whatever she had expected for him to say, it certainly hadn't been that. She felt like he had punched her.

"How can you say that?"

"I know you have been lonely."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" she snapped. "Have you been watching me? You can see me when I'm not seeing you? You float in the air and stalk me, invisible?"

"Nothing like that Fay. I don't have to stalk you to know you have been lonely."

His voice was matter-of-factly, but something in him seemed tired. Like he was strained, thin and stretched.

"Yeah, I guess." she sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Have you…" he paused, as if trying to decide if to talk or not. Finally he went on, after a small eternity. "Have you considered, that the reason why I'm still here, might be, that you cannot let go?"

Fay glanced at L, but the shadows hid his eyes from her. She felt like choking, like there was something in her throat.

She couldn't answer. She didn't want to.

"Fay?"

"Yeah."

"Have you?"

"What do you want me to say?" Fay asked, tasting tears. It was hard to get the words out. "You want me to say, that fine, I'll go on, that I'll forget you? Because that's never going to happen, and you know it."

"Felicity-"

"Don't you tell me to let go of you!" she was suddenly angry. "Don't you ever tell me that! I don't care if this is just a dream, or a hallucination, or if I'm crazy as a box full of kittens! You hear me - I don't give a damn! I won't let go of you!"

L didn't reply to her outburst. He just kept silent, biting the edge of his thumb.

He seemed very pale and very tired, like he hadn't slept in five years.

And suddenly it hit Fay, and her heart almost stopped.

 _You're being selfish. Maybe… maybe he's not asking you to let go, for your sake, but for his._

"Lawliet-" she breathed. "I... I-"

He looked up, his sad, black rimmed eyes meeting hers.

"Yes, Felicity?"

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" her voice broke. "Do you… do you want to… _go_?"

"I wanted to be with you forever." he stated silently. "But this is not what I want for you, Fay. This, this… _half-life_ you are living. What I loved about you, always, was the fire within you. The passion. You deserve to live a life that is rich and meaningful. I _need_ you to let go of me."

Tears burnt in her eyes, tears that felt like acid and tasted like blood.

She hated crying, hated crying in front of him, but she couldn't help it. Tears fell to her cheeks, and she felt like choking.

"I don't know how." she finally managed. "It feels like cutting off my heart."

"Try."

And with that, he disappeared, leaving only shadows and dust behind, the room empty as if he had never been there at all.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading - review!**


	39. Skype

**Thank you again for the support. I really couldn't do this without the amazing reviews I've received. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. An author would be nothing without the readers.**

 **Please, keep on giving me the feedback - I seriously need it to stay motivated. My life is kinda rough right now.**

* * *

 **January 2nd, 2010**

Fay woke up to the tone of her laptop. A persistent beeping penetrated her sleep, ripping her back to the reality.

A skype call - someone was trying to reach her.

Her eyes snapped open.

It took her a few moments to realize where she was - in a hotel in Tokyo, in her room, on the couch under a blanket.

 _Oh... Oh shit._

Last night returned to her mind in an instant. First the things she had done with Matsuda - and then her conversation with L. It had taken _forever_ to fall asleep after that - besides, the couch hadn't been the most comfortable place to rest.

But after talking with L… she just couldn't have made herself to go back to bed to Matsuda. She felt like a slut as it was. Like she had committed an adultery - which was completely insane.

 _Christ._

 _As if my life wasn't complicated enough before this?_

Her laptop was still calling for her, and glancing to a clock on the wall Fay noticed it was 7.00. Great. She had barely had three hours of sleep. But at this hour, it could only be one person, and she'd better not miss that call.

With a groan she stood up and made her way to the bedroom, took a seat on the floor and opened her laptop.

Lily's face appeared on the screen, and instantly Fay felt better.

"Mom!" the little girl grinned. "Are you coming home tomorrow?"

"Sweetie, we talked about this yesterday. I'll be here for a couple of weeks still."

Lily made a face, sticking out her tongue - probably trying to look fierce, but in her light blue bunny pajamas, she looked as cute as ever.

"That's stupid." she stated. "I miss you."

"And I miss you, honey. I really do. But I promise, I'll come home as soon as I can." her heart ached on those words. She really hoped she could keep that promise. "Why are you calling at this hour? Is everything okay?"

"Yes." Lily nodded. "Mom, look!"

She was showing a paper to the camera - and this time not a drawing. It was a test, mathematics. Lily was four, but she was already solving math problems meant for 12-year-olds - a thing that made Fay both proud and worried.

"You went to the math group today?" Fay asked. "Was it nice?"

"Yes, so much fun! Ms. Aswany says I'm even better than you were."

Fay made a laugh. "I bet you are, sweetie. Just remember, it's supposed to be fun. If she's giving you too much homework, just let me know, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. It is nice. I like it."

"Good. You're such a smart girl, Lily. You know that, right? You can become anything you want to, when you grow up. Anything."

Lily's grin widened, showing a pair of missing teeth.

"I want to become the greatest detective in the world, like Dad."

Fay's heart twisted when she heard those words.

Lily had said that before too, and every time it felt just as bad. There was no way in Hell, she'd let Lily follow L's footsteps. She had seen L being killed because of that lifestyle. She would not lose Lily to it as well.

But in her heart she knew, that if Lily decided to do something, she would. With or without Fay's permission. She could either support her in all her endeavours, or she could try to fight it, and lose her in the process.

Hiding her breaking heart, she smiled at Lily.

"That's fine, sweetheart. But let's not decide on that yet, shall we? I liked your plan to become a princess astronaut too. That would be awesome. Besides, if you became a princess, wouldn't that make me a queen?"

Lily giggled.

"Yes. And - I could have a unicorn! A space unicorn!"

"That's a plan." Fay laughed. "But sweetie, it's what - 10pm in England? It's way past your bedtime. Did Roger give you a permission to call me?"

"Yes!" Lily smiled. "I told him I would scream sooooo loud I'd wake up everyone, if he didn't let me."

"Oh sweetie, that wasn't nice." Fay sighed. "I told you to do as he says! Now, go to sleep, or I'll get mad."

"Fine." Lily agreed. "But only if you prrrromise to call me soon."

"I promise. As soon as it's morning in England. Sleep tight sweetie."

Lily approached the camera, and gave a kiss to the screen.

"Bye Mom!" she said, and then she was gone. The call disconnected, and Fay was ripped back to the moment, back to the floor of her hotel room in the city she had swore never to return to - and to a realization she wasn't alone in that room.

Slowly she closed her laptop, and turned to look at the bed.

Matsuda was sitting up, fully awake and absolutely gorgeous in the morning light - staring right at her.

The moment of silence that followed, was probably one of the most awkwards in Fay's life.

"You… you have a kid?" he finally managed, wide-eyed and pale.

"Yeah. I do."

"You… ummm… you had _Ryuzaki's_ kid?"

"Uhhuh."

"Oh. That's..."

Fay didn't say anything, just waited - watching Matsuda open and close his mouth a few times, like a fish out of water.

"Wow." he said. "That's… a surprise."

Fay felt immediately annoyed. To Hell with this! She was _not_ going to apologize for having a child - or for not telling him about it!

"Well, it's the only good thing that has happened to me in these 5 years, so if I was you, I'd watch my words."

He blushed.

"Oh. I'm sorry… I didn't mean to-"

"To what?"

"To be disrespectful. I apologize."

He looked like a puppy, his big beautiful eyes pleading, his cheeks burning. How was Fay supposed to be giving a guy like that hard time?

"Nah, it's fine." she shrugged. "I get it, that you didn't see this coming."

"But still… Ryuzaki's kid-"

"His name was Lawliet." Fay breathed, interrupting him. " _Lawliet._ "

Matsuda didn't say a thing to that, just closed his mouth and looked at her, and Fay had no idea what went through his mind.

Whatever he had hoped for this morning to be, Fay was quite sure this was nothing like it.

 _You planned to give him the cold treatment, right? Well, if this isn't it, I don't know what is._

She ran her fingers gently over the inside of her lower arm - a tattoo she'd had done a few years back. A letter L in gothic font, nothing else. Touching it gave her comfort, like she could almost reach to L by doing it.

" _This is not what I want for you, Fay. This, this… half-life you are living."_

But what if this 'half-life' was all that there was for her?

What if she was stuck in a limbo, without even the will to get out?

"Fay." Matsuda said, his voice silent and gentle, but it still startled her.

"I'm sorry." he said. "I'm really sorry for your loss. I know you… loved him. And… it must have been so hard raising his kid alone."

Surprised, Fay glanced at him. He was sitting on the bed, his upper body still naked, the lower half of him covered in white sheets. He looked beautiful, and just seeing him there, in her bed, made Fay feel weak all over.

Damn, wasn't it enough that he was so good looking? Did he really have to be amazing in bed too?

And it wasn't just that. He was such a nice guy. Fay really hated it. It would have been so much easier to be a bitch to him, if he wasn't.

"It's been five years. We have a lot of catching up to do." Matsuda said. "I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner ton-"

"I'm sorry, but no."

"Oh." He blushed, again. "Um, what about tomorrow-"

"Matsuda, please. Last night was great, it really was, but-"

 _But I have a ghost for a boyfriend._

"-but I'm just super busy with work. I can't get involved in anything right now. It's best if you just leave, and we go on with our lives."

The fondness in his eyes melted away, was replaced with a look that broke Fay's heart.

He was silent for a while, lowered his gaze to the floor.

"What did I do wrong? I thought… I thought you liked it."

"Nothing. Really. It was-"

 _You should just say to him that he was really bad in bed and that he had a small dick. That should make him want to leave._

But she couldn't. Besides, that lie would have lacked credibility. He _had_ made her come twice - with a cock that was anything but small.

"-great. Really great. But still, this is a bad idea."

"I don't think so. I think kissing you was the best idea I've had in years." he paused. "Or ever."

Fay gave a sigh and stood up. She walked out of the bedroom, to the living space, trying hard not to look at Matsuda in her bed.

"Get dressed, and please leave. I have work to do."

He didn't answer anything to that, and while busying herself making a cup of coffee, Fay could hear him getting dressed. A few minutes later he appeared to the doorway, fully dressed in his office uniform - his shirt somewhat crumpled.

"It's January 2." He said on a silent voice. "The semester in To-Oh doesn't start in several days. I wonder what's keeping a guest lecturer so busy at Christmas break."

 _Crap._

 _I should've thought of a better lie._

"I do research too." She shrugged. "Astrophysics. You want to hear about it?"

He blushed but didn't turn his gaze away.

"I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks, you know." Matsuda said. "I know you're not here because of some university exchange program. You're here with Near, and that's why you don't want to see me again."

Fay sighed and stirred her coffee, added milk into it, watching how the dark brown that was almost exactly the color of Matsuda's eyes, melted into lighter, creamy shades.

"I never thought you were stupid, Matsu."

"Then stop lying to me."

"You're asking a lot of me." she replied. "First to stop walking away from you and now to stop lying. Maybe I can't do either one of those things."

He stepped closer, leaned to the table by her side, and Fay really had to fight, not to look up to his beautiful eyes. His scent of cedarwood and cypress surrounded her, and she felt her heartbeat reacting to it.

"I'm only asking that you have dinner with me. That's it. No pressure."

"No, I'm sorry." she breathed. "I can't."

"Fine." he replied, but reached to take a paper from a nearby notebook, wrote something on it, and placed the note on the table in front of Fay.

"That's my phone number." he said then. "If you ever change your mind, or if there's anything else… anything you need, anything I can help you with... " a small pause, he pushed the paper closer to Fay's hand. "Please, call me."

Fay didn't take the paper, but didn't push it away either.

When the door closed after Matsuda, Fay stared at the numbers he had written on the paper, for a long time.

She knew she should take the note and throw it away.

 _There are too many things that could go to Hell. This is too dangerous. This is insanity._

But when she finally got herself to throw the paper to the trash bin, she had already memorized the number.


	40. Near

**Hey guys! Thank you so much for the reviews and messages. I don't have words to thank you enough.**

 **I'm going through some hard times at the moment, Gods, I got like 3 hours of (very restless sleep) last nigh, and wrote this chapter half asleep in midst of my work... So please, forgive me if there are some typos or stuff! But I wanted to get this done - I have so much love for Near, kind of motherly love. I think Near is adorable and a bit scary at the same time, haha! :D Anyways, writing - and receiving your reviews - gives me so much happiness right now. Let it be my escape of the reality.**

 **Hope you like this!**

* * *

 **January 2nd, 2010**

Near was sitting on the floor, surrounded by his toys. The white hair around his childish face was like a halo, or a cloud, making everything about him look fluffy and soft and cute. But Fay knew that was just an illusion - in reality, there was nothing fluffy or soft in Near. He might have been adorable, but he was also sharp like a dagger, hard as a rock.

Still, Fay loved him.

How could she not?

She had seen him grow up. She remembered the small boy who had arrived at Wammy's, looking like a lost lamb with all that white hair and those huge grey eyes. She had always had a soft spot in her heart for Near, for that little genius who smelled of vanilla and reminded her so much of L.

"Anything I can do today?" Fay asked, taking a seat on the floor, outside his circle of toys.

Near glanced at her, but then turned his attention back to his small figurines.

"Same as yesterday and the day before that. I need you to keep tracking Mikami. You can take turns with Gevanni."

Fay glanced around, just to make sure, but the room was empty except for them and commander Rester, who practically never left Nears side.

"He went already?"

"Of course. Gevanni is very punctual." Near stated. "It is almost 9, and you are late."

Fay blushed. With Near she never felt like she was talking to a boy almost ten years younger than herself. She felt like being scolded by a teacher.

"I'm sorry. I got distracted."

Near was silent for a while, arranging his dolls in a formation in front of him. Fay shivered - she had always hated dolls. She preferred it, when Near played with blocks or dices or robots - these small figurines just gave her the creeps. Besides, she noticed with abhorrence, there was a new one in the row - one with red hair and freckles, a letter F scribbled to her chest.

Fay fought the instinct to snatch that thing and throw it into a trash can.

"You insisted on coming with me to Japan. You practically begged, that I would let you join us." Near finally said. "There is no room for mistakes or distractions in this case. Perhaps you should rethink your priorities, if you want us to catch Kira."

"I said I was sorry." Fay snapped. "It won't happen again."

"You will not keep seeing Mr. Matsuda, then?"

His words startled her, but only momentarily.

 _Right, of course he knows. He's like L - they both know fricking everything._

"I won't."

"He wasn't to your liking?"

"It's not that-" Fay blushed.

Damn, she was not going to discuss her sex life with this kid!

"- It's just not wise." she shrugged. "He's with the enemy."

"Yes. He certainly is." Near agreed. "He still doesn't suspect anything, unlike the rest of the japanese task force. He seems to be very loyal to Light Yagami…."

"I guess that's just his nature." Fay replied. "He won't turn on the ones he loves."

A short pause. A small smile played on Near's lips - that kind of smile that had the capacity to make everyone else super nervous.

"Interesting. Does that include you?"

"What?! No!" Fay stated. "No, it's definitely not like that. It was just a one night stand, and I-"

And there she was, explaining her love life to a 18-year old child who kept staring at her in a very unnerving way.

Fay blushed, of anger and frustration.

"He's not in love with me." she said. "And I'm not in love with him. End of the story, okay?"

"If you say so."

He picked up one figure from the floor, examined it his eyes narrowing. It was the one that said 'Mello' on it, and it had an eerie resemblance to the real Mello, up to the facial expression.

"Would you see Mr. Matsuda again, if I asked?" Near said then, out of the blue.

"What!? Why?"

"Use your brain, Fay. He spends his days in close contact with Light Yagami. Maybe there is something you can learn from him. Every piece of information can be crucial now, that the end is nearing."

Fay was silent for a few heartbeats. She felt her cheeks burning.

Every inch of her body remembered Matsuda's hands on her skin last night. The way his lips had found hers, how his tongue had entered her mouth. He had tasted of salt and sex, and she had succumbed to him in a way that still left her breathless.

Using him this way… Seeing him again, luring him into bed with her, just to spy on him? It was wrong. There was no way she would do it.

"I'd rather not." she stated. "It's not right."

"Hmm." Near sighed. "Just how much do you want to catch Kira?"

"You know how much! But if I break Matsuda's heart because of that, I'm no better than Light Yagami."

"Alright." Near said, clearly unaffected by her emotion. "Just think about it."

She swallowed her anger. There was no point in being mad at Near. It was like tilting at windmills.

"So, is that all?" she asked. "Any other assignments before I go?"

"Actually, there is something." Near said, not looking at Fay anymore. His fingers kept playing with the dolls - he picked them up, one by one, moving them in in seemingly random patterns, but Fay knew there was nothing random in them. Even if he hadn't confided in her, Fay was positive he had a plan. And everything he did with those dolls, was practicing different scenarios.

L had done it in his mind, Near did it with his Toys.

And Light Yagami wouldn't even know what hit him, when this little boy would burn him to ashes.

Near hugged his knee, leaned forward, closer to his collection of figurines.

"How good are you forging handwriting?" he asked. "Have you ever done it?"

"Oh." Fay was surprised. "Very good, actually. And yeah, I did it a few times for L, when-"

"Good. I might ask you to do that again, soon."

Suddenly adrenaline flashed through Fay's veins. Her heartbeat accelerated.

"Are you… thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked.

Near looked up, his gaze boring right through her. His eyes were so sharp, and cold, like blue ice.

"It depends on what you're thinking."

"You're going to forge the Death Note." she said. "That's… that's a genius plan."

He didn't reply anything for a while. His eyes stayed in hers. It was so silent, Fay could hear Commander Rester's steady breathing in the other side of the room.

"It must be immaculately done." Near finally continued. "There can be no mistakes, for this plan to work. No distractions."

"It is doable. This Mikami fellow…. he isn't like Light. We wouldn't be able to fool Light with that, but maybe… maybe we can fool Mikami."

"Yes. I am counting on it."

And he smiled again - the corners of his small, childlike mouth rising upwards, making him look a little impish. But Fay loved that smiled. It was the same smile that had played on his lips when he had placed the final piece of a 1000 piece puzzle, found the solution and finished a winner.

"And I am counting on you." she said. "You are the only one, who can beat Light. Just… I hope you know, I'm ready to do whatever it takes, to help you do it."

Something flashed in his light blue eyes, and Fay knew, he was thinking about his request that she would see Matsuda again, and she bit her lip.

Did he have to be so damn persistent about that?

Was she really not allowed to have a one night stand without it becoming part of the case?

 _And just why are you being so sensitive about it? Isn't your whole life about this case already?_

Fay stood up, brushed her knees.

"I should get going, before Gevanni loses it." she noted. "He's probably dying to have a coffee break. That Mikami is one boring man to shadow!"

Her words had no noticeable effect on Near. He bent his head, the white hair falling to his forehead, his eyes again fixated on his toys.

"Have you heard anything from Mello?"

That made Fay turn on her heels.

"Mello?" she asked. "No, no I haven't. Why - should I have?"

His silence lasted a few seconds longer than a natural silence in a conversation.

"No, it was just a thought. But let me know if he contacts you."

"Yeah. Sure." Fay said. "I'll be off now."

But walking out of the door, her thoughts were not on Mikami who she should be investigation, or Gevanni her partner in her job. They were on that blond, too-sexy-for-himself, wannabe gangster, that called himself Mello.

It had been four and half years, since the last time she saw him - but she remembered it like it was yesterday.

* * *

 **Wheee, I love Mello too! Please, review. :3**


	41. Mello

**You didn't like my Near -chapter? :O Fine, I admit there was some bad writing - I might have to rewrite it, this time whit a bit less sleep deprivation.**

 **I've had some trouble believing in my writing abilities lately. The horrible holes in the plot of my story keep bothering me, and there are some problems I seem to be unable to solve.**

 **Anyways, here goes Mello. Love that guy so much!**

* * *

 **July 1st, 2005.**

"Who sent you?"

"Well, I can tell you it wasn't the pizza place." Fay states, stepping inside without asking for a permission, into the small, dimly lit and filthy apartment. She can't help but to notice the mess - the floor is full of trash, empty pizza boxes, candy wrappers, and alike.

She wouldn't be surprised, if she saw a rat, or a cockroach, but luckily no such thing appears.

Mello stands in the doorway, still staring at her. He looks the same as she remembers - the blond hair, the huge eyes, but he has had a growth spurt. He's not a small kid anymore, but a full head taller than Fay is, thin and lean as only a boy in his teens can be. His style seems to have gone through major changes too. Fay can't help but to notice his super tight, low cut leather pants with lacing in the front, and the bare skin of his lower abdomen, the high arcs of his hip bones.

 _Wow, he certainly isn't that small boy in pajamas anymore. I kinda liked him more like that, though._

"Seriously, how did you find me?" he asks following her inside, closing the door behind them.

"Mello, it's me. I could always find you."

He blinks, his huge, blue eyes annoyed, and at the same time so fragile it breaks her heart.

"I brought you chocolate." she says, and offers him a bar.

He hesitates, only for a few moments, before accepting it. He looks very thin, very pale, and as he unwraps the candybar, Fay wonders who has been eating all the pizzas. Clearly not Mello… so it must be-

"Matt." she says. "He's here?"

"And what if he is?"

"Nothing." she shrugs. "None of my business."

Mello takes a bite of the chocolate, and signals her to follow him. They walk through a messy room of unclear function, into a something that looks like a bedroom. In the corner sits a young boy with a striking red hair and a striped shirt. He's playing a video game, and barely looks up as they enter. If he's surprised to see Fay, he doesn't show it.

Mello throws himself to the bed, crosses his long legs, looking every bit as mellow as his name indicates. It's the only bed in the apartment, Fay realizes glancing around. So… what, he's living with Matt now? Are they like an item?

There's no way to ask that without making Mello mad, so she can only assume that's the case.

Fay thinks about Roger, how worried he was for Mello, and then for Matt after he disappeared too. Roger, always worrying over each and every one of Wammy's children. Couldn't these teenagers even give him a call or something? Fay makes a mental note to tell Roger the boy's are… okay.

Though she's not really sure if they are that. If they are even remotely okay.

It was always hard to tell with Mello.

Fay takes a seat on the bed, for there are no chairs in the room. She's eight months pregnant, and her back is killing her.

Mello eyes her from head to toe, his gaze stopping at her midsection, her pregnancy belly that can't be unnoticed. Fay knows she looks like she's swallowed a basketball. The baby is kicking, turning and moving, and she knows it's visible to everyone. From the look in Mello's eyes, she gathers he doesn't really appreciate the sight. He looks slightly disgusted.

"You got yourself knocked up." Mello states. "So, whose is it?"

His words pierce her defences.

She doesn't answer, she can't. Saying _his_ name out loud still feels like swallowing something sharp. But she can't hide the emotion in her eyes, the shadow of the excruciating pain she feels in her chest every time she as much as thinks about L.

Which is all the time, actually.

Every heartbeat feels like a dagger in her gut, sharp and merciless.

"So, it _is_ L's…." Mello lifts an eyebrow. "Nice. I honestly didn't think he had it in him."

"Yeah, it's his." she manages. "And I couldn't care less about what you thought."

"You do. You always did care what others thought of you… and of him. Don't think I didn't notice." He takes a bite of chocolate. "Tell me, Fay, what is your IQ?"

"135. Why?"

"Huh. So high?"

"I took the same tests you did. Why do you want to know that anyways?"

"Just wondering." Mello shrugs. "That's gonna be one smart kid."

Fay brings her hands to her belly, a protective gesture, which makes Mello smirk. She has already thought about it, that if this kid inherits even half of L's brain, she's going to be a super genius. And as a mother to be, she is worried. She's seen that being smart doesn't mean you're going to be happy.

She doesn't like the look in Mello's eyes, as if he's calculating the value of her child. As if the offspring of L, is the only thing worth noticing in her. As if Fay herself is nothing but dirt in Mello's shoes.

But then again, that's the way he looks at everyone. Everyone but Matt.

Fay glances to the corner where Matt plays one of his stupid video games, as if he sees nothing but that. He looks not a day older than his 15 years, and neither does Mello, no matter how hard he tries to look like he owns the world.

"What's your plan?" she asks then, turning her eyes back at Mello. "How are you going to catch Kira, without the help of anyone from Wammy's?"

"I don't need anyone's help. I can do this on my own."

"You think so? If L couldn't, even with all the help he got, how well do you think, you're going to do?"

Something flashes in Mello's eyes. Something sinister and dark.

"I hardly need to explain myself to you. Nothing's changed between us - you're still annoying." Mello states. "Just tell me what you came to say, and after that you can leave."

"L sent me." Fay snaps. "And there are things he wanted you to know. So stop being an asshole, and listen to me, you obnoxious fuck!"

That makes Matt break into a laughter in the corner.

"Hah! Obnoxious fuck."

"Shut up!"

Mello's eyes go hard and cold, angry but calculating.

"L sent you, huh?" he asks. "He's been dead for what, eight months?"

"Don't you think I know that?" Fay breaths. "I was… I was with him when he died. I was in Japan, for three months before that."

"You worked with him? He actually let you work on a case again?"

"And just why are you so surprised? We used to be a team before-"

"Yeah, what happened there?" he interrupts. "You really left Wammy's because he was sick of your slutty habits?"

Fay feels her cheeks blushing, and she clenches her fists.

" _And yet, you are so much more like Mello."_ L had said.

Really? Had he really thought she resembled this arrogant dick-head?

"You're one to talk." she forces her voice cool, as if she's not hurt by his words at all. "You look like a male prostitute."

"Maybe that's the look I'm aiming for." he says, totally collected. "So, go on. What happened in Japan? That's what you're here to tell me, isn't it?"

"It is. But now I'm having second thoughts."

Mello gives out a melodramatic sigh.

"Because I'm being, as you put it, an obnoxious fuck? Oh please, you can run to Near and share it all with him, if you want to. As said, I can do this without you just as well - or even better."

"And just what makes you think I haven't seen Near already?"

Mello's eyes narrow, and he goes pale.

 _Oh, so that's still his tender spot. Near, now and forever._

"Then why did you even bother to come here?"

"Because L asked me to." Fay replies. "Before… before he died, he made me promise, that if something happened to him, I would get the information to his successor. Now, as far as I'm concerned, that's both you and Near. It is only fair, I tell you both, all I can tell." she paused for a short while, her eyes meeting Mello's. "Unless you want for me to get the fuck out of here, which I can tell you, I am more than tempted to do."

Mello doesn't reply. His eyes stay on hers, those blue saucer eyes, that reveal nothing and reflect everything. Fay has no idea what he's thinking.

Suddenly she notices she can't hear the sounds of the video game anymore. The room is eerily quiet.

Fay turns her eyes at Matt, meets his gaze through the weird glasses he loves to wear. He lights a cigarette, inhales the smoke almost greedily.

"What?" he asks, glancing from Fay to Mello. "I thought this was getting interesting."

Fay makes a face.

"Do you mind stubbing that out?"

"Why? Does it bother you?"

"Well, does it bother you, if I throw up in your bedroom?" Fay snaps.

Matt rolls his eyes.

"Wow, you've gotten cranky."

"You think? I have another person inside of my-"

"Just do it, Matt." Mello interrupts, surprising Fay. "And get her a glass of water, please? It seems like we have a lot to talk about."

* * *

 **Okay, guys - I have 99 reviews for this story. Let's make it a hundred, shall we? :D**


	42. Ramen

**Sorry for the long delay! Life's been super busy, I've been working for 12 hours a day this week, so no much time for writing.**

 **Guys, I'm over the moon right now, for having received a total of 104 reviews from you! That's more than any other story I've written! The truth is your kind words are the thing that makes me open my laptop after a hard day's work, and write. So thank you, thank you so much. I wish I could send you all a hug!**

 **Oh, and it seems like some of you really liked the flashback with M &M. :D Keep on reading, there'll be more of them in the future!**

* * *

 **January 6th 2010**

Fay was horny.

She had felt that way for the past four days, ever since she had watched Matsuda walk out of her hotel suite, leaving behind only the scent of his aftershave, and his phone number on a piece of paper, crumpled in the trash can.

It was a hollow ache in her tummy, it was shivering on her spine, it was a burning need in her veins - a need to be touched, to be filled, to be made whole again.

To be fucked, thoroughly. And to make it worse, she knew exactly she only needed to make one phone call, and it would happen.

She was horny when she woke up in the morning.

She was horny when she got to the HQ, when she took her lunch break, when she spent hours and hours tailing Mikami, making notes of his every single move.

She was horny when she returned to her hotel room in the evening, lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling, feeling more alone than she had ever felt in her life.

It had been a long time, since she had felt like this. After L's death, she had thought she could never let a man touch her again. She had thought he had taken that part of her with him, leaving her withered and empty. But now… it was like a switch had been turned on in her mind, and suddenly she remembered what life was really about.

There had to be more to it, than just mourning.

Was it really so wrong to want… something else?

 _Why don't you just call him? You know you want to. Besides, L said it's fine by him. Right?_

Still, she lasted four days, until she was desperate enough to give in.

The cold January air of Tokyo blowing her hair around her face, Fay leaned her back on a ginkgo tree, and pulled her phone from the pocket of her jacket.

Matsuda answered almost immediately - and Fay felt her heart skipping a beat at the sound of his familiar voice.

"You alone?" she asked.

"Uh, oh!" he gasped. "Fay, that's really you?"

Fay rolled her eyes.

"God, I really hope you _are_ alone, for saying my name out like that."

"Yeah, yeah!" Matsuda made a small laugh. "I'm alone, alright."

"Just in case, though-" she continued. "If I ever call you again, you shouldn't use my name on the phone."

"Yeah, sure. I promise! God, I'm just so glad… I'm so glad you called."

There was a small silence between them. Fay bit her lip.

She glanced behind her, to the car they used to tail Mikami. It was a small, silvery Toyota, unnoticeable and practical, and now parked outside the building where Mikami worked. Gevanni was sitting behind the wheel, not looking at her, but staring intently at the entrance of the office building. As if Mikami would break his routines and leave before lunch time!

"Fay."

That was Matsuda on the phone.

"Hey! I told you not to use my name."

"Oh… I'm sorry!" Fay could practically see how he blushed, on that cute way she loved. "I just… I was wondering why you called me. I mean, is there something I can do for you?"

 _Oh, I can think of a few things._

Suddenly the urge to have his lips on hers, his hands on her skin, his hips between her thihgs, flashed through Fay's core like a lightning, almost making her gasp.

"Yeah, actually." she said, her voice a bit hoarse. "I had this strange craving for ramen, and as you're a native, I thought you'd know the perfect place."

"Ramen, huh?"

 _And sex._ She thought.

"Yeah. Ramen." she said. "And sex."

"Huh? What? What did you say?"

 _Jesus, mother fucking Christ! You idiot!_

"And such!" she squealed. "Ramen, and _such_! You know, other types of noodles."

"Oh, okay." Matsuda replied. "I thought I heard-"

"Yeah?"

Fay's cheeks were burning.

"Um… nothing, I guess." he made a nervous laughter. "So, ramen. Should I pick you up at… eight? Is that fine by you?"

"Yeah, that's perfect - if you can get the evening off."

Fay had already asked if she could do that. She hadn't even bothered to try and lie about it to Near - he would've found out about it anyways. But still, the satisfied look on his face had annoyed Fay more than she liked to admit.

Well, if he thought she would spy on Matsuda, he was wrong.

She was entitled to have sex if she wanted. And she did want it - just hearing Matsuda's voice, at the same time boyish and low, made her feel restless. Since he had kissed her on the street, in front of that shady whisky bar, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about sex. Fay didn't bother to pretend to herself, she was calling him for any other reason.

 _Christ, I want him. I want him to strip me naked and take me, to throw me into the bed and slam his cock deep inside of my-_

"Fay-." Matsuda's voice brought her back to the moment. "I… I'm really glad you called. I already feared that you wouldn't, and that I'd never see you again. You know, I missed you."

She made a small smile.

"Yeah, me too. Matsu, just... " she paused, bit her lip. "Just promise to keep this a secret, okay? Don't tell _anyone_ you're meeting me. Aizawa might guess, and that's fine, but don't mention this to the rest of the team, okay? Especially Light."

"Oh man." Matsuda sighed. "I wish I could tell them the truth. It's so hard to lie to Light! Besides, it just feels wrong. He's always been honest with me."

 _Really?_ Fay rolled her eyes. _Really? How could he be this blind?_

But out loud she simply said.

"Then plant a truth inside a lie. It's always easier to believe that way."

"A truth?"

"Yeah. Like, tell them you're going on a date, but don't tell them it's me."

"Fay, couldn't you just come clean? I'm sure Light would not hold it against you, that you faked your death. You know, he was so sad to hear that you had died. He said-"

"Matsu, just let's not do this, okay?" Fay interrupted. "Let's talk about anything and everything, except for Light Yagami - the only thing we cannot agree on. Those are my terms. If you want to see me tonight, you cannot tell it to Light. If you must tell him something, tell him that you're seeing a girl that you met in internet, she's a foreigner and she's studying here. There's enough truth in that lie to make it believable, no?"

He gave out a resign sigh.

"Fine, as you say." A short pause. "Fay?"

"Yeah?"

Fay waited for him to go on, the cold wind making her fingers freeze as she held to phone to her ear.

"What was the truth in the lie of your death?"

His question felt like she had been punched.

"I'm sorry... what?"

"You said that I should plant a truth inside a lie, to make it believable. That lie was so easy to believe, so… I thought there must have been a truth buried in it."

Fay almost hung up.

Her hand was trembling, the phone felt slippery in her frozen fingers.

She remembered the 28 benzos on the table, the small white pills in a row, just waiting for her to take them, one by one.

She remembered the gun. The cool, smooth surface under her fingers. The thought of pulling the trigger, ending it all, her brain scattered on the wall. The calling of the other side, the endless sleep.

She still thought of it sometimes, suicide being like a comfort blanket she dug out of her closet. She cradled that thought whenever she was too tired or desperate to give a damn about anything. It gave her peace to think about that possibility, the ultimate way out. She wouldn't have to endure this world a day longer than she chose to. Or a day longer than Lily needed her.

There was something in her throat, she tasted tears.

"Fay?" Matsuda asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude-"

"My name." she answered. "My name was the truth. For four years I went by the name of Fleur la Liberté. I thought there was enough evidence of my life under that name, to make it feel real."

"Oh." he said. "That's all? I thought that maybe-"

"That's all." she snapped.

"You know…." he paused, as if searching for words. "I never got over your death. I never stopped mourning over you. I… I'm so happy it wasn't true. It feels like I have been given a new chance."

Fay felt her heart skipping a beat.

 _Christ. What do you say to something like that?_

"Yeah." she breathed. "I'm glad that I'm not dead too. Pick me up at eight for ramen, okay?"

"Sure. I'll see you then-"

Fay hung up before he could finish the sentence.

There was something in Matsuda, that got through her defences. There had always been, and to tell the truth, it scared her.

She had never been one to show her vulnerability to anyone. You learn to keep these things a secret when growing up in an orphanage. The only person she had ever let near, was L. With him, she had never had to put up an act.

But Matsuda, he had been able to pierce her hardened shell, from the beginning.

Fay remembered how he had kissed her the night they had faked his death after the Yotsuba incident. How the possibility of seeing him die, had been able to shake her to her core.

She remembered how she had cried against his chest outside the subway entrance the night she had lost L. How his strong arms had kept her steady, how he had been the only thing to ground her when everything else was falling apart.

 _You're overthinking this,_ she told herself _. It's nothing serious. It's just sex. You've been without it for too long, if you get this sloppy over every guy who finds you hot!_

She pushed the phone to the pocket of her jacket, and stepped into the car, escaping the chilly January air.

"Got yourself a date?" Gevanni asked, briefly glancing at her.

"Yeah." she replied.

"The one Near asked you to spy on?"

"Yes. Though I must admit that I'm not thinking about spying as much as I'm thinking about sex."

He glared at her, on a way Fay felt was rather judgemental.

"What?" she rolled her eyes. "Like you never think about it."

"Not while I'm working."

Fay gave a sigh and lifted her feet up on the dashboard.

"Fine. I guess that makes you a professional."

He had turned his attention back at the office building, staring at the entrance as if it wasn't boring at all, which made Fay frown.

She didn't quite know what to make of Gevanni, or the team Near had gathered around himself.

Sure, Gevanni was a superman. He had ridiculously amazing skill set, varying from lock-picking and computer knowledge, to kick-ass martial arts skills. He was also very handsome, with his striking blue eyes and black hair, his features those of a male model, his physique lean and strong like an athlete's.

But even after spending days in close contact with him, in this small car, Fay wasn't really attracted to him.

 _He's just so serious. I need a guy who makes me laugh._

"Do you have someone waiting for you back home?" she asked then, startling him.

"Nope."

"No girlfriend? Boyfriend?"

"No." his voice was getting tense.

Fay gave a sigh. "So, you're single? Isn't that a bit weird, for such a good looking guy?"

Gevanni glanced at her, frowning.

"I'm trying to work here."

Fay snorted.

"Really? Staring at the door of that building takes all your brain capacity? Can't we have a conversation while we sit and die of boredom?"

Gevanni didn't answer, but his jaw clenched tight.

Fay glanced at him, giving an innocent grin.

"Pretty please?" she smiled. "I've got ADHD. It's physically impossible for me to sit quietly and do nothing."

"Seriously." Gevanny stated. "Where did Near find you?"

That surprised Fay.

Yeah, she hadn't been a part of SPK since the beginning. She had left the investigation to Near, after telling him everything she knew, and then concentrating on raising Lily. She had only sought Near out, after hearing he was going to head to Japan, a few weeks ago. Still, she would have thought Near had told something about her background to the rest of the team.

"You probably won't believe it, but I used to babysit him, when he was a kid." Fay stated. "I mean, when he was a _smaller_ kid."

That made Gevanni turn his eyes to her, though very briefly.

"You were his nanny?"

"Not really." Fay laughed. "More like a big sister. We used to live in the same place. I always knew he'd surpass me, though. He was one smart kid."

"I can imagine." Gevanni noted. "He has a very impressive mind."

Fay glanced at him, his stern face, the strands of his black hair that fell to his forehead.

"What about you?" she asked. "How did you get involved in all this?"

He was silent for a short while, long enough for Fay to think he wouldn't answer at all. His eyes were still fixated on the office building, and suddenly he tensed, leaned forward, and Fay turned to look as well. A tall figure with black hair that reached his shoulders, had just excited the front door.

"He's on the move." Gevanni said, and turned the ignition key. "Enough of this chit chat."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, please review!**


	43. Games

**Okay, here we go - time to celebrate! It's 10 000 views for my story, and yes, you guys made my dream come true by writing more than 100 reviews! That's more than any of my stories has received in the past, so yeah, I'm excited. (Though, I did the math - it's 1% of views that lead to a review, so maybe there is some room for improvement, haha!)**

 **Anyways, in order to say THANK YOU, I wrote these 4400 words of smmmut. Let's be realistic - that's what this chapter is. So if you're not into smut, skip this one. :D**

 **What else? Oh, I wrote this while watching the broadcast of the presidential election of Finland - who says politics isn't sexy?**

* * *

Fay was standing by the front door of her hotel.

The hem of her black, floral dress was dancing around her knees in the chilly January wind, her hair a wild cloud of red curls around her pale face - but neither of those things was the first to catch Matsuda's attention. It was the shoes she was wearing - a pair of black leather boots with super high stiletto heels.

That sight went straight to Matsuda's gut, like a lighting bolt.

In a heartbeat he had imagined all the ways he'd make love to her, while she was wearing those shoes and nothing else. And then she looked up from her cell phone, noticed him just standing there, staring at her open mouthed, as if he'd never seen a woman in his life before. Matsuda's cheeks reddened.

"Wow, you look…." he cleared his throat. "... um, amazing."

Fay laughed, her green eyes meeting his.

"Thanks. Felt like wearing a dress for a change."

"It suits you. I guess this is the first time I've seen you wearing-"

"-anything but jeans or sweatpants?" She laughed again. "Yeah, but you see, we're not working now."

"Yeah, you're right." he replied, feeling immediately stupid.

He _was_ coming straight from work, in his usual black suit, white shirt and a dark tie. Now he felt like he should've made an effort, to match her looks. Though, even if he'd had time to go home and change, he hardly owned any other clothes! His closet was full of white shirts and dark suits, but he couldn't even remember if he owned a pair of jeans.

If that wasn't sad, he didn't know what was.

"Hey, don't feel bad about it." Fay said, bringing him back to the moment.

"Oh, about what?"

"About coming straight from work. It's fine, I hardly care what you're wearing anyways."

She winked, and Matsuda felt a stir of arousal in his groin, the blood packing into a certain area. He made a nervous laughter, ran his fingers through his hair. He really, really needed to think about something else!

"So, you hungry? I know this great ramen place, it's just around the corner, really. I booked a table for us."

"Nah." she shrugged. "Changed my mind."

A disappointment hit him like a punch to his sternum. This date was everything he had been able to think about all day, and now? Was she sending him away?

"Oh? What… what do you mean? I thought-"

But Fay was standing so close to her. She reached her hand, laid it on his shoulder, and even through all his clothes, he felt her touch like electricity on his skin, making his heart skip a beat.

She leaned closer, with her high heels she wasn't that much shorter than him.

"I don't know about you, Matsu." she breathed. "But I find myself distracted. I surely can't eat, before I've had you."

Before he knew how, his hands had found her waist, and pulled her close. Her lips parted, her body bent against his like it was meant to be, the scent of green tea and roses surrounded him, filled him, infatuated him, as his lips met hers.

She tasted of Champagne. Her lips were soft and they opened to him willingly, the insides of her mouth were hot and her tongue eager to meet his. Matsuda's fingers gripped tight on her hips, pulled her close, found the small of her back and glued her slender form against him.

He was falling into her, falling into the kiss, falling in love, and there was absolutely nothing he could do to prevent it.

When she finally broke the kiss, they were both panting.

Her pupils were dilated, they looked huge in her green cat eyes.

She took his hand, their fingers entwining.

"Come on." she said. "You know the way to my room."

* * *

They had barely gotten to the room, as he pushed her against the wall, the door closing behind them. His hands were on her waist, on her hips, on her back, his lips on hers were greedy and raw, needing and desperate - just the way she wanted them to be, to make her forget everything but this moment.

Fay felt clearly how his hands trembled, when they gripped on her, pulled up the hem of her dress. She felt the bulge in his pants, as he pushed her against the wall, his lips moving to her neck, his tongue following the line of her collarbone.

Their jackets had already been thrown to the floor, and now his fingers had found the zipper in the back of her dress. Fay turned around, her back to Matsuda, to make it easier for him to open it.

In a few seconds he had unzipped the dress, and it fell to the floor, revealing her choice of underwear.

"Gods!" he gasped. "Beautiful!"

She laughed.

So, it had been a good idea to spend a few thousand yens to a garterbelt and stockings, and a matching bra. She had bought the panties too - but decided not to wear them. In her experience, it was always a good idea to leave the panties. Not many things drove guys crazy like that.

"Like it?"

His only answer was a groan, a dry and throaty sound that left this throat.

She tried to turn back to Matsuda, but his hands were on her waist, pushing her against the wall again, pinning her between it and his lean body - and on her ass she felt the front of his pants, the rock hard bulge that made her gasp.

There was urgency in the way he touched her, his hands feeling the skin of her abdomen, following the line of her garter belt, moving to her breasts. His hands were soft and warm on her skin, and she felt helpless in a good way, like she was only there for him to touch her, for him to set the pace, to take the control so that she wouldn't have to think about anything at all.

That was the way she really liked it.

"Please…." she begged, feeling his hips pressing tight against her backside. "Please, Matsu, that's so good!"

"Oh, Gods!" he groaned. "Oh… oh, Fay!"

He buried his face to her hair, his both hands gripping hard on her waist now, bending her so that her chest hit the wall. She clearly felt his erection through the fabric of his pants, rubbing against her crotch.

She was so wet already, aching inside. Feeling him like this, made her moan out loud. Christ, how was it even possible to be this turned on? Fay felt like she could come just like this, with him just rubbing his front against her swollen clit, even without removing his pants.

Her hips answered his moves, her legs trembled. She couldn't stop the gasps and moans that left her lips.

"Ah… ah….ah! Please, oh Matsu, please, please, _please_ -"

"Christ, Fay…!"

She felt how he opened the belt, with haste he pulled down his pants and boxers - his hot, throbbing cock bare against her slick wetness.

Fay groaned, the primitive need making her open her legs a bit wider, bending her hips against Matsuda. She wanted nothing more than to have him inside of her, right now, like this, raw and desperate and rude, like nothing mattered but this-

"Wait, wait-" she forced herself to gasp. "A condom!"

"Unnngh…!" he made a throaty sound that was no word. He pressed his forehead to her neck, his lips tasted the skin of her shoulder blade - but he stopped the movement of his hips, pulled back.

He took a few shaky inhales.

"Yeah… sure. A condom. Don't worry."

His hands left her waist, she heard the sound of tinfoil ripping, his fast breathing as he rolled on the condom - and then his hands were back on her again, gripping greedily on her hips.

"Christ!" she gasped, as he pushed inside. "Heavens!"

He stopped, but didn't pull out, giving her time to adjust to the feeling.

She was ready, she wanted it so bad, but still the feeling of being stretched to her limit, filled her senses, almost causing her to come immediately. He had such a perfect dick, large and thick enough to fill her completely, to stretch her open like it was meant to be - but not a huge monster cock that would cause her pain.

 _Jesus, he feels good inside of me!_

She was trembling, her legs felt weak. Her toes hurt in her ridiculous high heels, but she forgot all that, when he began to move.

"Please-" a shaky breath left her lips. "Please, that's so good, that's… oh… oh-"

"Ah, damn, Fay…!" his voice was raspy, his lips on the skin of her neck hot.

"Hold me, please, hold me-" she begged, and he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer to his chest. She pressed her palms to the wall, trying to stay put as he began to move inside of her.

"Fuck!" she cursed. "Jesus, that's good!"

Encouraged by her words he began to move faster, hitting his hips harder against her, his cock sliding inside of her, deeper with every thrust. It felt divine, perfect, so good she couldn't stop the moans of pleasure that left her lips, the sobs, the desperate sounds of need.

She loved what he was doing to her. She loved his muscular, strong arm around her chest, she loved that even with her heels, he was taller than she was, she loved the fact he was still wearing his shirt, how she felt the fabric on her burning skin, she loved it how his fingers dug into her, his lips greedily kissed the side of her neck, she loved the sounds he made, the husky, throaty breaths by her ear. And his cock inside of her, oh so damn deep inside of her, hitting right to the best spots with every fast thrust, making it feel like he filled her completely, all of her, like he was part of her body, belonging inside of her, in her shivering, needing core.

This was the best thing in the whole world.

Losing herself in the pleasure, her whole consciousness diminishing into the small area between her trembling thighs, losing herself in the way he was taking her.

"Matsuda-!" she breathed. "Matsu, oh… oh, yes, yes, right there, pleeease-"

Her legs were trembling, it was so hard to stay on her feet - but he squeezed her tighter against him, kissing her neck, sliding his hand to her frontside, inside of her bra, to feel her aching nipples.

Fay moaned, her hips pushing back at Matusda's taking him even deeper inside of her.

"Oh…!" he moaned. "Fay… tell me, what do you want? I'll… ah… I'll do anything-"

"Thi- this... is really good!"

He slowed down, sliding almost completely out of her - just to push back inside, hard and fast.

Fay gasped.

"Jesus!"

"This?" he panted. "Good?"

And he did it again, slowly out, and back in, fast and ruthless, so that Fay felt his cock all the way to her core.

"God, yes!"

"Want more?"

"Please!" she was almost sobbing. "Please, harder-!"

Groaning he gave it to her, slamming his cock inside of her, fast and hard, again and again, making her scream out loud, until she felt the sweet tension spreading to her core, the muscles clenching tight, her toes curling in her boots-

"Ah… ah… _Matsu_ , fuuuuck-!"

She came so hard, the orgasm fierce like an explosion.

The muscles of her legs were cramping, she was gasping for air. The pleasure that swallowed her was so profound she felt like she was falling, forgetting who she was, where she was, forgetting everything but the bliss that pulsed inside of her core.

Hadn't it been for Matsuda's strong arms that kept her steady, she would've found herself on the floor when she finally came to.

"Sweet heavens….!" she breathed, resting her head against Matsuda's shoulder.

He was holding her close, his both arms around her shivering form, placing small kisses to her hair, to the side of her neck.

"Good?" he asked after a few heartbeats, and Fay heard the smile on his voice.

"Perfect." she replied with a small laugh. "Gods, I needed that soooo much."

His answer was another kiss to her neck, this time a bit harder, one of those that would leave a mark, but Fay didn't mind.

Inside of her, she still felt Matsuda's hard erection. His heart was beating fast in his chest, his hands that moved on her skin were trembling slightly.

She might have received her reward, but Matsuda sure as Hell deserved something as good too.

"Come on, let's go to the bed." she said, turning her head so that she could give him a kiss.

"I'm good right here." he replied, snuggling closer, pushing his cock deeper inside of her, making her gasp.

"Oh! Yes, you are." she purred. "But I've got something special in mind for you, sweetie."

"And what's that?"

He had began to move again, his cock sliding in and out, slow, agonizing, and Fay felt her resolution weakening.

Her flesh was still tender after the ravishing orgasm he had given her, and it felt every inch of his organ with tormenting clarity. She was well aware of the fact, that if he kept on like this, she would soon come again.

"It's… oh… oh… Matsu, you need to stop that!" she laughed. "I promise you'll like it."

Groaning he finally did as she asked, and pulled out of her.

"Okay, as you wish."

But he didn't let go of her, just turned her around and pulled her into his arms, kissing her. His lips were so soft, so hot and they pressed tight on her mouth. She opened her lips to him, his tongue entered her mouth and Fay drank the throaty sounds he made.

His cock stood hard, pressing against her abdomen, all wet from her fluids. Without breaking the kiss, Fay reached her hand down, and gripped him, earning another groan of pleasure from his lips into hers.

"Mnngh…!" he broke the kiss. "Fay-!"

"Hush, sweetie." she grinned. "I've only just started with you."

She rolled the condom off, threw it to the floor, and began to caress his length, giving him a few, leisurely pumps.

His hands were in her hair, fingers digging hard into her curls. His breathing turned fast, his lips were back on hers, the kiss deep and yearning.

Fay grinned.

She loved this - being wanted, being needed. It was a huge turn on, that Matsuda wanted her this bad. It gave her all kinds of naughty ideas, that she was pretty sure he would appreciate.

"Lose the clothes." she stated. "Then, to the bed."

"Yeah, in a minute." his lips searched her neck, his hands gripped on her shoulders.

But she shook her head, and teasingly let go of his cock.

"Come on, I'm waiting." she grinned, and turning her back at him, she walked her high heels seductively to the bedroom.

She didn't turn to look if he followed, until she had reached the bedside. In her high heels, her garterbelt and stockings, she felt sexy and devine, strong and beautiful. She was only missing a whip - too bad she hadn't bought one!

"Get on the bed." she commanded. "On you back."

Matsuda obeyed, hesitatingly, his eyes wide. He had done as she'd asked, and removed his shirt with the rest of his clothing. He was naked now, his pale skin glowing in the dim light of her bedroom, his cheeks reddened. Fay let her gaze glide on his body - his lean, muscular arms, his broad shoulders, his tight abdomen… and his beautiful cock, all red, filled with blood, standing thick and hard, and erect, just begging for her to lay her hands on it.

"Don't you look just… delicious." she purred, and followed him to the bed.

She straddled him, sitting on his abdomen, and bent to give him a kiss. His hands were on her waist in a heartbeat, on her hips, feeling her curves - but Fay broke the kiss, and shook her head.

"Nah-ah." she bit her lip teasingly. "Give me your hands."

He blinked a few times. His cheeks blushed.

"Fay, what are you going to-"

"Just follow my lead, will you?" she replied. "I guarantee you will like this."

"O… Okay."

Fay took one of the scarfs she had on her night stand, a long and thin one, made of silk, and as Matsuda offered her his hands, she tied his wrists together, and secured them to the bedpost over his head. Once she was done, she sat back, taking a satisfied look of him.

"Fay… Christ!" he groaned, trying to pull his hands free - but Fay had made sure the bondage held. It wasn't like this was the first time she had tied a guy to her bed.

"Oh sweetie, you're not going anywhere." she stated, and took another scarf. Still sitting on top of him, she tied the scarf to his eyes, blindfolding him. Only then was she satisfied, and climbed off him.

"Fay?" he asked, sounding somewhat scared - or at least a bit worried.

Fay made a laugh.

"What, you nervous?"

"Um… I can't see you. And I can't move. What are you going to- _Oh, Jesus Christ!_ "

That last cry was caused by the fact that Fay had taken his cock between her lips without giving him a heads out.

She sucked him deep, all the way to her throat, and then pulled her head back, so that his member popped out of her mouth with an obscene, wet sound.

Damn, he tasted good! Salty, and sour - a manly taste that went to her head. Fay licked her lips, and then repeated the back and forth movement a few times. By the sounds Matsuda was making, he was really loving it.

"Fa… Fay, oh… oh, that's-"

But just as he was getting used to what she was doing, she changed the tactics. Pumping him hard with her hands, she took only the head of his cock to her mouth, circling it with her tongue, tasting the slit on the head of it, the salty drops of pre cum that made it slick.

He was groaning and panting on the bed, his hips rose from the mattress, to meet her mouth, his legs were all tense, muscles trembling. From experience, Fay knew that when blindfolded, all the other senses become extra sharp - especially the sense of touch. She was the one who usually enjoyed being the submissive one in these games, but something in Matsuda's cute, innocent boyishness, had triggered this response in her.

She loved seeing him tied down to her bed.

And being able to give him this much pleasure… well, it was simply fun. And Gods knew, she had missed fun.

The noises Matsuda made were madly arousing, and they told Fay just how close he was. To be honest, Fay was surprised, he hadn't come already. But to keep this going for another few minutes at last, she knew she had to slow down a bit.

"Please…!" Matsuda groaned, as she let his cock off her mouth. "Please, oh, please don't stop!"

"Begging already?" she asked, grinning.

She still kept her hands on his member, but slowed down the pace of her caresses, gently gliding her fingers up and down, following the pattern of pulsing veins on the underside.

"Yes." he panted. "I am. Beg… begging." he groaned, the veins in his neck, the sinews in his arms stood out under the pale skin. "Please… Fay, please…!"

"Hmmm, I'm thinking - not quite yet."

"Oh, come on!" Matsuda's voice was stretched, his legs trembled.

Fay grinned. It was absolutely enjoyable to watch how Matsuda squirmed on the bed. Slowly she began to pump him again, first gripping him very light, but little by little hardening both her pace and her grip. Her other hand cupped his balls, and she bent down to kiss them, to nibble the sensitive skin with her lips.

"Fay! Oh! Oh, God…!" he was almost sobbing, his back arched up, his heels dug to the bed. Fay turned her eyes to his face - his cheeks were burning, he was biting his lip so hard Fay thought it would start bleeding.

Yeah, maybe it was time.

Again, without a warning, she took him back in her mouth, closing her lips tight around his cock and earning an animal growl from Matsuda.

"Please…!" he breathed. "Please, Fay-!"

She sucked him deep, let the head of his cock hit her throat, her fingers gripping hard on the base of his member. By the sound of it, he was close, and sure - it didn't take more than a few rough sucks, and she felt him tensing, his muscles clenching tight, and he came. A loud, primitive groan left his lips - and he shot his cum to her mouth, deep into her throat. Feeling his throbbing cock on her tongue, Fay swallowed without thinking, kept sucking and licking him until the last drop of that delicious, sour delight was spent.

"Jesus…!" Matsuda cursed, still panting. "Fuck, Fay, that was-"

"-awesome?" she let him off her mouth, and sat up.

"Incredible. Fucking incredible."

She made a small laugh.

"I said, you would like it."

She lay down by his side, placed a small kiss on his lips, snuggled closer to him. Reaching her hand to the back of his head, she untied the blindfold and removed it. Matsuda blinked a few times, as if even the dim light of the bedroom was too bright for him now. He was very beautiful, and looked a way younger than his actual 30 years.

"I am in love with you." he breathed - and Fay thought her heart stopped of sheer shock.

She felt her face going pale. Her chest turned to ice.

 _Shit, oh shiiit!_

"I… I don't-"

"It's alright." he said. "I know you don't feel that way about me… I just thought you should know."

She laid her fingers gently on his cheek, followed the line of his jaw with her fingertips, the scar right under his cheekbone, brushed his lips that were still red and swollen.

"Hey." she managed. "Thanks for telling me."

He gave a small smile, the corners of his cute mouth turning up.

"Wanna release my hands?"

That made Fay give out a small laugh.

How was it possible that he had the power to make her laugh on a moment like this, after revealing his unrequited love for her? What was it about him, that could turn even a moment like this not awkward?

"Well, let's see." she pursed her lips. "Maybe not? I would love to keep you like this, as my sex slave. What say you? How soon would anyone notice you're missing?"

"Okay, now you're scaring me a bit." he replied, but with a smile.

"Fine, just give me a second."

Fay sat up, and reached to undo the knots in the scarf. It was surprisingly hard, for he had tugged on it, making the knots very tight, but finally she managed to open the bond, and untie his hands.

"Thanks." he said, rubbing his wrists. Fay noticed the red, raw marks on his skin, where the makeshift bond had almost cut it. She made a mental note to buy padded handcuffs, in case she kept on sleeping with Matsuda.

 _Christ, what are you thinking? He just told you he's in love with you - and you're planning on future, heartless sex games? How about_ _ **not**_ _breaking a good man's heart this time?_

"Shut up." she said, and rolled her eyes.

"Oh, sorry, what?"

"Not you." Fay sighed. "Talking to myself."

"Hey... " he said, probably noticing her smile had disappeared. "Come here."

Fay didn't answer, but did as he asked. She removed her high heeled boots, and found her way under the sheets. Laying her head on the pillow, she snuggled closer to Matsuda, and let him put his arm around her.

"I'm sorry if I ruined the mood." he said, after a few moments of silence. "I probably shouldn't have said a thing."

"Come on." Fay sighed. "I just… I don't want to talk about it now."

"Okay. I can do that." He brushed her hair gently with his lips, placed a small kiss on the top of her head. "Not talking. Believe it or not."

Fay made a small chuckle.

"Yeah, right."

"Are you hungry?" he asked then, out of the blue. "We still have that reservation at the ramen place."

"Seriously?" she raised an eyebrow. "Actually, yeah, I'm starving. But I'd rather just use the room service."

"Oh." He smiled, his lips moved to her cheek, his fingers entwined with hers. "Don't want to get out of the bed?"

"Something like that, yeah."

She didn't want to admit it, but being under the sheets with Matsuda, floating in the blissful afterglow of their sex, felt actually pretty damn good. Besides - their kinky game had turned her on quite a bit. She was hoping for a second round in a while.

 _Still going on about that? Slut. How about thinking about someone else than yourself, for once?_

Fay shook her head, to drive away the nagging inner voice.

Yeah, Matsuda was in love with her, and she didn't feel the same for him. But he had come to her bed knowing she didn't answer his feelings. Then, why was it her responsibility if he got hurt in the process? Why should she be the one to guard his heart?

 _Because, maybe you aren't as indifferent as you'd like to be._

"Fay…" he breathed, and his hands found her waist under the sheets, stopped for a heartbeat when feeling the scar tissue on the spot where she had taken the bullet five years ago.

Maybe it was time to admit the truth - that day she had been ready to die, not just for L, not just to catch Kira. She had been prepared to die, to save Matsuda.

"My name is Felicity." She whispered.

* * *

 **Sooo, what do you see happening next between Fay and Matsuda? I'm open to all suggestions. :D  
And as always, pleeeease, review!**


	44. Heartbreaker

**Can't help it - I'm a romantic.** **Felt like writing something sweet after the smut of last chapter.**

 **But hey - not that many chapters to go! The end is nearing and soon I'll have to wrap this up. I hope you'll stay with me 'till the end - and that you'll take the time to write me a comment. They really do cheer me up, when I'm feeling rotten.**

* * *

 **January 7th, 2010**

Fay knew she was a heartbreaker. And that was putting it nicely.

There was a reason she had never really had girls as friends. Women didn't like her, in general. Misa had been a nice exception to that rule, but it didn't change the fact.

The fact being, that men easily fell for her, and Fay had been known to have their petty hearts for breakfast.

She had never loved anyone but L. All the other guys had been just a distraction. Just a pastime. She wasn't even ashamed to admit, that she had used them for her own, selfish needs. Most of them probably hadn't cared, but Fay knew that she had left some of them broken and lonely and desperate.

What did that make her?

And why did it matter now, when it had never mattered to her before?

She _knew_ she was bad news.

Any guy with a half a brain would stay the fuck away from her, and if she had even a half a heart, she would stay celibate for the rest of her days.

And still.

She couldn't resist Matsuda's scent when he leaned closer to give her a kiss. He smelled of her strawberry shower gel, and it made her feel warm and fuzzy and horny at the same time.

He was so tall, she had to tiptoe to be able to kiss him.

No high heels this time, just her old sneakers, her jeans and a hoodie - but he kissed her like she was something amazing, something he just couldn't let go.

 _I am in love with you._

That's what he had said, and Fay kept hearing those words again and again in her head. His voice that broke at the last word, the nervousness in his tone, the fear and the desperate hope.

His lips were so soft on hers, so gentle.

His hands found her waist, pulled her closer - his chest warm against her in the cold winter wind, a steady rock for her to lean on. He tasted of coffee and toothpaste and it made her weak on the knees, yearning for the pleasures she knew he was capable of giving to her, and a part of her wanted nothing more than to take his hand and lead him back to her room, back to her bed, to strip him naked and have him every way imaginable.

But there was no way she could do that now.

First, because it was 7AM and she was supposed to be at the HQ in a half an hour. It would be unbearable to have Near nagging her about being late again.

And secondly, because he was in love with her.

Maybe it was because she had grown up. Maybe it was because she now knew how it felt to have her heart broken, but whatever the reason, she didn't want to put Matsuda through that.

 _He's a good guy. He deserves to be with someone who can love him back. Someone who still has a heart._

Forcing herself to break the kiss, Fay took a step back.

"Felicity-" Matsuda sighed.

"Matsu, please!" she interrupted. " _Never_ use my name that carelessly, if you don't want to see me dead!"

He blushed, look down at his toes.

"Sorry, it's just… I'm not allowed to call you Fay in the phone, or Felicity in… well, anywhere. What am I supposed to call you then?"

"A nickname?" Fay raised an eyebrow. "You could come up with something. Or just call me Fiona, it's my alias anyways."

But the truth was, that she _wanted_ to hear him call her Felicity..

She wanted it for the reasons she couldn't fully understand, and just thinking about it made her annoyed. She regretted revealing her name to him, in a moment of weakness, for now it wouldn't leave her in peace. The memory of his soft tone, when he breathed it in the darkness, wrapping his arms around her, kissing her neck.

How it had made her feel like she was falling.

How he had sounded so completely different than L, and how that made Fay both sad and high headed at the same time, short of breath.

Matsuda reached his hand, ran his fingers through her hair.

"When will I see you again?" he asked. "Tonight?"

She shook her head.

"I'm busy. And I'm sure you are too."

Something flashed in his eyes, a shadow of sadness.

"Busy at To-Oh?"

"If you don't want me to lie to you, don't ask me questions I cannot answer." she shrugged, not meeting his eyes. "I have work to do, that's all you need to know."

"Alright." he replied. "So when can we meet? I still want to take you out, on a date. We could go to dinner, and then-"

"Matsu, please."

Fay stuffed her hands deep in her pockets, looked down at her sneakers.

 _I'm in love with you._

He loved her, and she was being selfish, wanting him like this. Letting him go, would be the right thing to do.

"I'll call you." she finally said.

"Give me your number and I can call you?" he gave her a hopeful smile.

"Just go on already. You'll be late, and there will be questions."

"Yeah." he made a face. "I wish this… this Kira thing would be all over. Maybe then we could-"

"Just don't." she said. "No talking about Kira, remember?"

"Actually, you said, no talking about Light Yagami."

"Like there is a difference." she muttered.

"Ah, and here we go again!" He gave a frustrated sigh. "Fay, come on. There's no proof of that and-"

And suddenly Fay felt angered.

"There will be." she snapped. "And mark my words, I will be there when Light Yagami goes down. I will be there to watch how he burns, and he'll have to answer for his sins to me before this is all over!"

Matsuda went silent, his big eyes widened and he blinked a few times.

Fay didn't turn her eyes from his, didn't even try to hide her burning cheeks.

"Fay…" he sighed, after a few heartbeats that had lasted for an eternity.

"Yes?"

"It seems… it seems we have a problem."

"You think?" she replied. "You know, you would be wise to leave now and stop thinking about me."

"Hey, I can't do that."

He shook his head, and in front of Fay's eyes the look in his face changed. The sadness melted away, and his lips turned into smile. It reached his eyes, and Fay felt her heart skipping a beat.

"We're like Romeo and Juliet." he said. "Trapped in a rivalry of their clans - but they wouldn't let that get in the way of love!"

"That's totally different!"

"Now it's not."

"Yes, it is!"

"How come?"

 _Because Juliet was actually in love with Romeo._

"Because-" Fay frowned. "Because they were stupid kids! Besides - they ended up dead."

"Oh." he said, and then broke into a laughter. "True! I guess I'll have to watch the movie again."

Fay rolled her eyes, but couldn't help a laugh.

"Always with the TV." she said. "Just read the book. It's much better."

"Haha!" he grinned "Maybe I will."

And then he leaned closer, placed a quick, small kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"I love you." he breathed. "I love you, Felicity. Don't forget it!"

Suddenly the wind was blowing right through her, and her feet didn't even touch the pavement. His scent of strawberry shower gel filled her senses, making her head spin.

Matsuda was already halfway towards the nearest subway station, and couldn't hear her words, when Fay finally found the fitting quote from Romeo and Juliet.

" _Don't waste your love on somebody who doesn't value it!"_

Though, searching her heart - she knew it wasn't fitting at all.

* * *

 **...please leave a review. What do you wish to read before this all ends? And do you want a happy ending or a tragic one - I have both planned. :D**


	45. M&M

**Ah, the end is nearing and Fay isn't the only one who has hard time letting go! I seriously don't know what I will do, when I finish this fic, haha!**

 **I had so much fun writing this chapter. I adore Matt and Mello, and I hope you appreciate the way I wrote them. If you do, please leave me a comment! I'm dying to hear your thoughts. :)**

* * *

 **J** **anuary 7th, 2010**

Walking straight wasn't easy, with head in clouds.

Matsuda's kisses and his surprising confession of love, had turned Fay's heart into a hummingbird, or so it felt - the fluttering in her chest just wouldn't calm down.

 _Can it be… can it be I'm falling for him?_

 _Me? For Touta Matsuda?_

That thought was both exhilarating and terrifying, and it so completely engulfed her mind, that she didn't notice the thin man in black leather, before almost walking straight into him.

"Shit!" she shrieked, her heart jumping to her throat. "Mello, you scared the crap out of me!"

Mello leaned his back to the wall, his jacket open, revealing the bare skin of his lower abdomen, as if making a point that he couldn't have cared less about the freezing weather. He looked young, still childish in a way, but there was a new scar on him, big, raw and red, covering the left side of his face and forehead. It made him look… dangerous. Like his face finally matched his clothing style

"So, you're sleeping with that dude, who was sucking your face?" he smirked.

"None of your business." Fay snapped. "Mello, Christ! I haven't seen you in almost five years! What the Hell are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question. Last I heard you were playing mommy at Wammy's."

He said those words with so much repulse, it made the air sticky. Not for the first time, Fay wondered what had happened to Mello, to hate Wammy's so much. To hate everything and everyone, so much. But it would do no good to ask, she knew. Mello only respected those who didn't show their weakness.

She raised her chin, to stare him down.

"Asshole. You _know_ why I'm here." she said. "And you're here for that same reason. To kill Kira."

Mello made a low chuckle.

"Nice to see motherhood hasn't destroyed all your spunk. So, who's taking care of little L?"

"Roger."

"He's still alive?" Mello rolled his eyes. "Gods - I thought he was old when I was a kid."

"You're still a kid, Mello." Fay stated. "And yeah, Roger is alive. Wammy's is the safest place for Lily to be, in case-"

She stopped mid sentence, but Mello caught her meaning nevertheless.

"In case you and Near lose this game."

"Yeah."

"Hmm." Mello sighed. "I need to talk to you about that."

"I gathered. It's not like I walked into you by accident." Fay replied, stuffing her hands to the pockets of her hoodie. "So, talk to me. What do you want?"

Mello glanced around, as if suspicious of everyone and everything around.

"Not here. Let's go inside."

There was a small coffeehouse not a block away, and Fay followed Mello in, slightly annoyed, but more curious. She'd be late because of this, but then again - Near had probably suspected that Mello would try to contact her. Why else would have he mentioned that possibility?

She ordered a large coffee with soy milk and sugar - it was breakfast time anyways - and sat down at the table, across to Mello. And Matt.

"Well, good morning." she said, turning her eyes to the redhead. "So, you're in Japan too."

"Obviously." Matt muttered, not turning his eyes away from his handheld game console.

That made Mello gave out a small smile, and glance at the redheaded boy by his side. The ashes in Matt's cigarette were hanging low, but he was engulfed in his game, probably not even noticing. Mello gave a sigh, and took the cigarette from Matt's lips, ashed it for him, and offered it back - Matt accepting it in such a natural way, that Fay knew it wasn't the first time Mello did this favor to him.

Fay suppressed her need to comment.

Gods, those two - still together?

What was it with Wammy's kids - could they really find their soulmates, their peace, only amongst each other? That thought made Fay suddenly saddened. If that was the case… what did it mean for Lily and her future?

She took a sip of her coffee, turned her eyes back at Mello.

"You wanted to talk about something?"

"Was that Touta Matsuda, you were snogging?"

That surprised Fay - her cheeks blushed, to her irritation.

"Yeah. So?"

"For all that I've heard, he's a lame ass idiot."

"A - He's not." she snapped. "B - he has a big dick and he knows how to use it."

Mello let out a low chuckle.

"Nice reasoning." He smirked. "So, you're not fucking him just because Near told you to?"

There was no way Mello could know about that. Not unless…. unless someone from the team was leaking information. It sure as Hell wasn't Near or Commander Rester. Or Gevanni. So that left only...

Fay took a gulp of her coffee.

"Halle Linder?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is it just you, who is fucking her, or do you share her with Matt?"

Matt didn't react to her comment, but Mello let out a melodramatic sigh.

"Please! It only took a few sloppy lines and my looks to get her to my side. No need to prostitute myself."

"So, we have at least that in common."

He laughed, leaned closer to her over the table.

"You have a sharp tongue." he noted. "But you didn't answer my question. Are you getting anything out of Touta Matsuda - anything else than what comes from his praised dick?"

"Come on! Like I can't have sex for sex's sake? Told you already, he's great in bed, and that's all there is to it."

There was a moment of silence. The beeping sounds of Matt's gaming console were loud enough to fill it, to annoy Fay and sting at her nerves.

"Just out of curiosity—" said Matt, not looking up. "—how was L in that department? I mean, it's hard to picture him—"

"Don't." Fay snapped, shaking her head. "Just… don't."

"Huh. Still so sensitive about it?"

Fay didn't answer. Her hand was shaking slightly as she took a cigarette from Matt's pack without asking if she could, and lit it. She didn't smoke often, and inhaling the nicotine was an instant high. It went straight to her bloodstream.

These kind of moments were the worst. When something triggered the memories so fast, she didn't have time to prepare and harden herself.

Matt's words sent her through time to the past, and in a heartbeat the pain struck her core like a spear.

The pack of Koala cookies on the floor. The mom and the baby staring back at her with their smiling, black cartoon eyes.

The stillness of L's chest under her touch, the excruciating pain of her heart breaking.

"I loved him." she stated silently. "I'm sure you can relate."

Matt didn't meet her eyes, continued playing, seemingly untouched by her words, but Fay noticed how Mello glanced at him, his eyes soft and vulnerable.

Fay took a few deep breaths of her cigarette, trying to find her calm again.

So, it was love between those two. At least from Mello's side. Fay wondered silently if Matt loved Mello as fiercely as he loved Matt.

Though, Mello was probably too proud to hang around with someone who didn't love him back. Maybe Matt was just better at not showing his love in public.

"I thought you asked me here for a reason." she finally said, stubbing out her cigarette. "What is it?"

"Near's plan." Mello replied.

"What about it? I'm sure Linder has already given you all the information you could possibly want."

"True. But I need a second opinion."

Fay shrugged.

"I think it's a good plan, and we can outsmart Light with it."

"By forging the notebook."

"Yeah."

"Who's going to be the one to do it?"

"Me and Gevanni, probably. I have experience, and Gevanni, well, he is a superman. There isn't much he can't do."

"And you don't think Kira is going to see through that? After all, he's been one step ahead of you all this time."

Mello gave her a sideways smile. His blond hair fell to his eyes, as he leaned forward. Matt was still furiously hitting the controls of his game console, the goggles hiding his eyes. If he was listening, if he was even remotely interested, he didn't show it.

So, maybe he was in this, just because of Mello. Fay hoped he wouldn't come to regret it.

"Sometimes you have to take risks in a case." Fay stated. "It's the only way to bring this to an end."

Mello was silent for a long while. He turned his eyes back at Matt, the softness on the line of his jaw revealing more of his emotions than he probably realized.

"Fine." he finally said. "That's all I wanted to know."

Fay took a sip of her coffee - and almost choke to it. Her heart fell to her knees and jumped right back to her throat, making her cough.

L was sitting in the next booth, staring at her with his huge, black rimmed eyes. There was a small smile playing on his lips, as he brought his index finger to them, signalling Fay to stay silent.

But Mello saw her face, the look in her eyes and her cheeks that had gone pale.

"What?" he asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

She took a few deep breaths, to calm down. Mello glanced over his shoulder to the next table, but clearly saw nothing of interest, as he turned back still looking confused.

Fay made a small chuckle, shook her head.

"Do you believe in them?" she asked. "Ghosts?"

"I have seen stranger things. Why?"

"No reason."

L was smiling at her from the next table, his beautiful lips curving up. Fay felt that smile in her heart, in her core, in her bloodstream. She tasted those lips on hers, remembered how it felt to inhale his breathing when her fingers slid through his hair and he pinned her down on the bed.

Her eyes teared up.

Mello's eyes narrowed as he observed her.

"Righ." he said, still looking suspicious. "Anything you want to tell me?"

"Nothing." Fay had to look away from L, to be able to keep her balance. "I should probably get going, but Mello-"

"Yeah?"

She scribbled her phone number on a napkin.

"Call me if there's anything I can help you with."

Mello took the napkin, stuffed it in his pocket standing up.

"Yeah, whatever." he said. "Matt, let's go."

Matt groaned in response, and stood up too. To Fay's surprise he shut off his game, and stuffed it in the pocket of his fur edged vest.

"Matt." Fay said.

"Yeah?"

"Take care of the hotshot, will you?"

Matt's lips turned into a crooked smile. "I always do."

Fay watched the couple walk out of the coffee house, Mello leading the way, Matt following him, hands stuffed in his pockets. It wasn't until she was sure that neither of them was in the view, that she took her coffee and moved to the next table.

"Lawliet." she said, raising her eyes to his.

"Felicity."

"You startled me. I wasn't expecting to see you-"

"Pick up your phone." he interrupted. "And pretend you're having a phone call. People will think you are crazy if you sit her talking by yourself."

"So it doesn't matter that I think I'm crazy?" she asked. "You got any tips to avoid that?"

"Just do it, Fay."

Fay rolled her eyes, but did as she was told, taking her cell phone and bringing it to her ear.

"Good." L said. "Now, stop staring at me. Look out of the window, to make this seem as normal as possible."

"There's nothing normal in my life." Fay said to the phone. "And you are to blame, you know."

"I know. And I am sorry for that."

His voice was soft and gentle and low, and it sent shivers to Fay's spine.

"I didn't mean it like that." she breathed. "There's nothing you need to be sorry about. I'm glad that you're here."

A short silence. From the corner of her eye, Fay saw how L glanced at her, how deep and dark and wide his eyes were.

"Have you tried to… to do what I asked of you last time?"

"What, trying to let go?"

"Yes, Fay. That."

"Well, what do you think? I'm sleeping with other guy's for Heaven's sake."

L was quiet for a few moments. He blinked his huge saucer eyes, brought the fingers of his left hand to his lips.

"Guys, in plural?"

"And that's what you decided to hear?" Fay sighed. " _A_ guy. _One_ guy, okay? I haven't slept with anyone else than Matsuda in these five years, you know."

"Is that all there is with him? Is it just because you want to be… touched?"

Fay glanced at him.

"Why do you ask? It was you who told me to keep on seeing him."

"Hmm. What might be the right thing to do, is not always the easy thing to do." he replied. "I want happiness for you, but at the same time I find myself haunted by the thoughts of you with someone else."

He said it in the same monotone voice he always used, as if he was talking about the weather. But Fay noticed the way he cast his eyes down, how his pale cheeks blushed slightly.

 _And he has the nerve to tell me he's here, because_ _**I**_ _can't let go._

"You shouldn't be jealous." Fay finally replied. "I can never love anyone like I love you."

L didn't reply. He pulled his knees closer to his chest, kept biting at the edge of his thumb. Fay knew he had noticed she hadn't used the past tense.

"Don't look at me." he said after a while. "The waitress is starting to get suspicious."

"Fine."

Fay turned her eyes to the window. A clock on the building on the other side of the street, told her she was late for work, and she had no idea what she should tell Near - but she couldn't make herself to stand up, to walk away from L.

"This thing will soon come to an end." L said, silently, very softly. "Maybe after that-"

"If you're going to tell me, you'll leave me once this is over, I swear-"

"Fay. I could never leave you against your will."

And there it was again. He was asking for her to set him free.

Tears burned in her eyes, tears of pain and loss, frustration and anger, love and heartache.

"And I can never stop loving you." she exhaled. "You're a fool to even ask that of me."

"I am only asking that you try." He stated. "Matsuda-san loves you. Maybe when this is over you can try to-"

"Please, don't." Fay blinked, to stop the tears from falling. "Please don't ask me to love him. Whatever it is between me and him, it's not…"

"I know." he said. "But it might be."

"Like Hell!" she snapped, and turned to look at him-

Just to notice he was gone.

She was sitting alone in the booth, holding the silent phone in her fingers, feeling how her heart broke for the thousandth time.

* * *

 **Come on guys, review! I'm in serious need of encouragement.**


	46. Optimism

**The reason why I love Matsuda, is that I love his optimism. I have always been attracted to the 'good guys', the kind and warm-hearted, the funny and the gentle ones. Matsuda is the perfect man for Fay, if she only get's her shit together, haha! :D I hope you agree with me on this one.**

 **Please, leave a review to tell me what you wish to read about. Writing is a lonely business, and sometimes I feel like I'm working in the dark, not knowing your opinion. Tell me what you think of this, tell me what's good and what isn't, Hell, you can even tell me if I suck as a writer. Any feedback is better than none.**

* * *

 **January 7th, 2010**

Matsuda had always been one to smile easily.

It wasn't just a role that had fallen to him, it was rooted deep in his personality, in his soul. The optimism.

Some people called him naive, or childish because of that, but he had accepted it a long time ago. This was simply who he was. He just couldn't focus on the negative, no matter how grim the situation was.

But today, the smile on his lips was permanent. It was physically impossible for him to wipe it off. Making his way down to the subway, he felt like laughing out loud, whistling, _singing_ for God's sake, or dancing - to do anything to show to the whole world the happiness that filled him from head to toe.

To show them, that here went a man in love.

 _I am in love with you._

The words had felt so natural to say, so right. He had never confessed his love to someone this easily - but on the other hand, he had never been in love like this before.

And so what if Fay didn't love him back - yet?

Things could well develop into that direction!

Matsuda knew that Fay wanted him like crazy, and he - for some reason he couldn't quite understand - seemed to possess the capability to properly please her in the bed. Remembering the soft moans and the sharp gasps she made when he fucked her, was enough to make him hard in his pants. He _loved_ it, that she was so sexual, that she came so easily.

 _Damn! Better not think about that in public!_

Forcing the image of Fay's naked curves off his mind, Matsuda took a few running steps, and hopped into a subway cart that was already full of people. He had to squeeze to get inside - there was no traffic in Earth like the rush hour of Tokyo Metro. That was the reason he usually chose to arrive at work too early - to not hit the worst traffic hours, but today he was running late.

And for what a reason?

He was pretty sure the foolish grin on his face told _everyone_ in the subway that he had just gotten lucky, but he didn't even feel ashamed.

Yeah, he probably should've gotten home to change, but being late already, he didn't want to give Light any more reason to be disappointed in him. Besides - he had showered at Fay's place. He could easily buy a clean shirt and underwear on the lunch break.

 _Shower._

That thought led his mind back to Fay, and her naked body.

She had joined him in the shower, and with aching clarity Matsuda remembered how her small hands, her slender fingers had felt on his skin when she had lathered him with her strawberry shower gel. How those fingers had found their way to his groin, and-

 _Stop thinking about that already!_

Matsuda felt his cheeks burning. Definitely not a topic you should be thinking about in a subway full of people.

But one thing was certain - even if Fay didn't love him back, she sure liked him a lot. Matsuda might not have that much experience with women, but he had a pretty solid hunch, girls didn't do things like that to guys they didn't like.

Blowjobs in the shower.

Just the memory was enough to make him hard.

 _Holy fuck! How on Earth did you manage to hook up with a girl like that?_

He knew he was lucky as Hell - but at the same time, he wanted more.

After all, he had always been a romantic.

He wanted for Fay to return the warm and fuzzy feelings that made his heart swell. He wanted to be able to take her hand in public and call her his girlfriend. He wanted for her to look at him the same way she had looked at Ryuzaki.

 _Ryuzaki_.

Lawliet, Fay had called him.

It wasn't that Matsuda was jealous. Ryuzaki had been dead for five years, and there hardly was any point in being jealous of a dead guy.

But Matsuda remembered the stinging bitterness he had felt when seeing how Ryuzaki had taken Fay's hand in front of him. And the one time he had walked into the hallway, only to find those two passionately kissing - Ryuzaki's fingers buried deep in Fay's red curls.

That had been the _worst_. It was burnt in his brain - the image of Fay's slender from in Ryuzaki's arms—

 _That's in the past. You're the one she's kissing now. And, he is dead._

That was his optimism speaking.

 _Think positive!_ _The guy she loved is out of the picture, and she is actually free to do all that kinky stuff with you now._

Though, he felt a bit bad for being happy about Ryuzaki's death, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he wasn't actually happy about him being dead, but just about the fact he wasn't around anymore. He was sure there was a difference.

Still. Thinking about Ryuzaki had lead him to think about other more serious topics than sex in the shower, and he felt his smile (and the pressure in his groin) somewhat diminishing.

It sure as Hell would have been easier to fall in love with someone else.

He had been at least half serious when talking about Romeo and Juliet. It was a crappy situation they found themselves in - on the opposite sides of the gaming field. How was he supposed to be wooing her, when she was convinced that he was at the enemy camp? How was he supposed to make her fall in love with him, when she didn't trust him enough to give him her phone number?

 _She trusted you enough to give you her name, though. That's… actually pretty huge._

The optimism. It was a good thing to have.

But being Capulet and Montague wasn't the only thing they had against them.

Even if they got over that, there were still other issues, like the fact that they lived on different continents and had barely anything in common. Not to mention the fact that Fay was a mom.

It wasn't like Matsuda didn't like kids. Actually, he liked kids a lot. He was great with children, maybe because he was so childlike himself, and he had hoped to have kids of his own one day. At least two, maybe more.

But was he really prepared to raise someone else's kid?

Ryuzaki's kid, of all people?

He pondered on the fact for a few minutes, staring out of the window. The subway stations all looked the same - filled with people, who all looked the same. Men in their dark suits, white shirts, black ties. Matsuda felt like he was staring at himself, multiplied 1000 times, trying to get into the train that was already packed.

 _Yeah. I would do it, if Fay asked me to._

 _I would do anything for her._

With that thought in his mind, he got out of the subway and walked the few remaining few blocks to the HQ.

* * *

 **Reeevieeww, please!**


	47. Roses

**This chapter just happened.**

 **I wasn't going to write any more of Matsuda's POV, but this conversation with Light just popped into my mind, and I had to write it down. Matsuda's being an idiot again, haha!**

 **I hope you like it.**

* * *

 **January 7th to January 18th, 2010.**

Matsuda was late to arrive to the HQ that morning, which earned some bitter comments from Aizawa and Ide. Light on the other hand, didn't even seem to notice.

That always hurt Matsuda a bit - the fact that the ones he held in the highest regard, seemed to take so little notice of him. The only exception to that rule had been Chief Yagami. No matter how many times Matsuda had messed up, Yagami had always believed in him, trusted him.

It had been almost two months since the Chief had died, and it still hurt enough to bring tears to Matsuda's eyes, every time he remembered it.

 _Just don't think about that, not today! Not now!_

But it had already settled into his mind - the oh-so-familiar feeling of being a failure. The truth was, that he had failed Chief Yagami that day. He had managed to shoot the Death Note off the mafioso's fingers (a nice shot, that one!), but there had been no satisfaction, no feeling of victory to him. Light's plan had earned them the Death Note, but the cost had been too high.

No one could replace Chief Yagami - not to Matsuda anyways, not even Light. It was like losing a father all over again.

But life had to go on.

He glanced at Light, when entering the room. It was bizarre, how well the youngster hid his grief. That was admirable. Matsuda wished he could do the same, but every emotion that ever went through his mind, was just too easy to read from his face.

Like the fact that he had just gotten lucky.

"I'm sorry I'm late." he grinned, taking a seat. "Do we have coffee?"

"What, didn't get much sleep last night?"

That was Ide. He seemed to be in a bad mood, but there was nothing new there.

"Nah, you know." Matsuda lifted his feet on the coffee table. "Or maybe you don't. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a good night's sleep for some romancing."

"Romancing?" Aizawa's glanced at him. "You have a girlfriend?"

He didn't say it out loud, but Matsuda wasn't a complete idiot (contrary to what the others might think). He knew Aizawa was actually asking, if his girlfriend was Fay.

"Yeah." he said. "I think so."

"You think so?" Ide asked. "Does she think so too?"

"I'm still working on that." Matsuda admitted with a laugh. "But hey, I did come here straight from her place, so…"

"Nobody wants to hear that, idiot!" Aizawa snapped. "Get your priorities straight - we have a murderer to catch."

That made Matsuda blush.

"Sorry, sorry." he muttered. "I got excited."

"Well, get de-excited." Aizawa muttered. "And keep your personal life personal."

There was a warning in his eyes, and Matsuda let it sink in.

 _He doesn't want me to slip that I'm dating Fay. I wonder why he's so concerned about it?_

"Fine." he replied, but with a smile. "So, did someone make that coffee?"

* * *

The next couple of days were actually fun.

Following Light's romancing with Takada, had a new edge to it now, and teasing Ide about his lack of love life was an endless source of humor for Matsuda. It had been before too, sure, but now he had something to actually back him up. After all, he had been invited in Fay's room twice now, for rather incredible and kinky sex - something that haven't happened to Ide in, well, probably ever.

But as the days went, the fun began to diminish, for his phone wasn't ringing.

Fay wasn't calling him. Nor texting, nor… well, anything.

That felt worse than he had imagined - and he _had_ indeed imagined this scenario. After all, it was normal that girls didn't call him.

This time was different, though. Fay's absence was like breathing air that lacked oxygen, and he just couldn't shake the disappointment off. Even his deep rooted optimism began to fracture.

Didn't she miss him like he missed her?

Didn't she share the breath taking need he felt in his bones, whenever thinking about her?

The high headedness and self confidence he had felt, after their latest encounter, faded as the days went by, leaving behind only self doubt and the way too familiar feeling, of being an idiot.

A week and a half since he had last seen her, Matsuda just couldn't stand it anymore.

It was lunchtime, and everyone else had left the HQ to pick up something to eat, leaving behind only him and Light. Leaning back on the couch, giving out a desperate sight, Matsuda turned his eyes at his friend and colleague, the one he trusted more than anyone, now that Chief Yagami was gone.

"Light, can I ask you a question?" he asked, lifting his feet to the coffee table.

"Sure, what is it?"

"It's kinda personal."

"Oh?" Light turned around in his chair. "Well, I guess it's alright. What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to ask, because, you know… you're so popular with women, going out with both Misa and Takada, and-"

Light seemed slightly annoyed at his remark.

"You know, I'm only seeing Takada because of this case. It's not real."

"Yeah, but she doesn't know it." Matsuda sighed. "You make it seem so real."

"Fine, I guess so, because it is working. But it's not something I am proud of, Matsuda."

Matsuda shrugged. He wasn't sure if Light really meant what he said, for he really seemed to enjoy his late night meetings with Takada. But then again, he probably just faked that, being as decent and righteous as only a Yagami could be.

"Nevertheless." he noted. "Besides, you've always had success with girls, even before Misa-Misa, right?"

"Well, yes." Light noted, as if it was obvious. "So, where are you going with this? You want to know what is my secret?"

Matsuda blushed, and looked at his toes.

He was pretty sure Light's secret was that he was ridiculously good looking, incredibly intelligent and had the self confidence of a super star. All things, that Matsuda knew he'd never possess.

"Not as such." he admitted. "But I could use some advice."

"Oh, I see. Things aren't going that smooth with your girlfriend?"

"Umm… Yeah. Though I don't even know if I can call her my girlfriend. We had these two amazing nights together, but ever since the last one, I haven't…." he felt his cheeks burning. It was hard to say it out loud. "I haven't exactly… heard from her. She's not calling me."

"Huh." Light raised an eyebrow, and Matsuda knew exactly what was going through his mind.

"And it's not, because the sex was bad!" he swiftly added. "I can assure you that much."

"Okay. If you say so."

He didn't sound convinced, though.

The memory of Fay's feverish body on his arms, her trembling thighs around his hips, flashed through Matsuda's core. He remembered the throaty, primitive sounds she had made, could vividly taste the passion of her kisses.

He just couldn't believe she would have faked _that_ well.

"Really, Light! I might be an idiot, but I know when a girl is having a good time in the bed. I mean-"

"Fine, no need to go to the details." Light replied. "So, she's not calling you. Why don't you give her a call then?"

Christ. This conversation just couldn't get much worse.

"Because…. I don't have her number." Matsuda muttered.

"Sorry, what?"

"I don't have her phone number." Matsuda repeated. "Okay? She hasn't given it to me."

Light could hardly suppress his obnoxious smile.

"In that case there aren't that much you _can_ do. If a girl doesn't give you her number, and doesn't call you back after sex…." he shrugged. "Maybe you just need to take the hint."

Okay, he had been wrong. Apparently this conversation _could_ get worse.

"Okay, fine, maybe that's it." he muttered. "Maybe I messed up, again. But Light… what if something's happened to her?" he raised his eyes to meet Light's narrow gaze. "What if… what if something's wrong? Or she's lost my number, or-"

"Well, I guess that's possible." he replied. "Though it is unlikely."

"What I'm really trying to ask, is… what do you think? Should I go and see if she's alright? I do know where she lives. Or is that a bit stalker-like? Gosh, I don't want to come off as a desperate creep."

Light gave a sideways smile.

"I would say that depends. It is a fine line, between being persistent and being desperate. Girls appreciate the first one, but the second one…. not so much."

"Yeah, so I've been told." Matsuda made a face. "What's your advice, then? Should I go to see her?"

Light gave a sigh, and leaned back in his chair, looking annoyingly mellow and stylish, as he crossed his tall legs.

"How long has it been since you saw her?" he asked. "A week?"

"A week and a half."

"Well, if she wanted to call you, she would have already, so the way I see it, you don't have that much to lose, by going to her place."

"Yeah. Just my self-esteem."

 _Right. Like you have any._

"Anyways…" Light continued. "If you do, try to make it look as non-desperate as possible. And bring flowers. Girls like that kind of things."

"Flowers? What kind of flowers?"

"In my experience, roses always work."

That immediately brightened Matsuda's spirit. Maybe that was it - he hadn't been romantic enough! Fay hadn't really asked that kind of things from him, and she had turned their only date into a kinky sex night - but maybe had she secretly wished for him to be more attentive.

At least he could give it a try. As Light had said, he didn't really have anything to lose.

He sat up, turned his eyes back at Light, at his dark chocolate eyes and his flawless smile. Light was almost too handsome to be real, and he was such a good friend - hardly ever losing patience with Matsuda's stupid jokes. He felt honoured and relieved, that Light had taken the time to discuss the problems of his pathetic love-life, even if he probably couldn't relate at all.

"Thank you Light, you are such a good friend." he said. "I'll do it tonight! If it's okay, I mean, if it's okay that I take the night off? Maybe Aizawa and Ide can listen to your meeting with Takada this time without me-"

"It's fine." Light said. "Just be on time tomorrow morning, in case the roses work."

Matsuda laughed, ran his fingers through his hair.

"Sure, yeah!"

He felt more optimistic already.

With Light's help - what could possibly go wrong?

* * *

 **Oh, and special thanks goes to CrazyCause, JacksonR'sGirl, NotDeadYet16, Teddy Bear Moony and ShirleyMallery - I seriously couldn't do this without your support. Every review means the world to me, so THANK YOU!**


	48. Ghosts

**Hey guys.**

 **I'm sorry for the long delay. I haven't been able to write lately. I've been in a dark place, just trying to survive. I've been struggling with depression for many years now. Sometimes life is easier, sometimes it's harder. I'm in that not-so-good phase at the moment, and it's making me very tired. But don't worry - I promise to take my meds.**

 **I hope you like this chapter, even if I'm not that satisfied with it. But hey, I'm not satisfied with anything at the moment.**

 **Thank you for reading.**

* * *

 **January 18th, 2010**

Roses.

Matsuda had bought a big bouquet of blood red roses, had went home to take a shower and to change, had made a reservation to a nearby restaurant (not the ramen place, but a bit fancier one), polished his shoes, shaved extra well and added just the right amount of the Armani aftershave, the one with cedarwood and cypress, he knew Fay liked.

When looking at his reflection at the mirror, Matsuda was actually happy with it. The slim trousers and the light blue, collared shirt he had chosen, complimented his lean figure and he looked smart, but not like he was coming straight from work. He looked like he was going on a date - and with the gorgeous roses, and his newly found self confidence - there was absolutely no chance he would mess this up!

Except that, of course, he messed it up.

After sitting in the hotel lobby for five goddamned hours, he was ready to get a tattoo that said 'Loser!" with a capital L.

Of course Fay hadn't been in her room.

Of course the hotel staff couldn't have told Matsuda where she had went, or what her phone number was.

Of course that had left Matsuda sitting in the lobby like an idiot, holding the bouquet of (now withered) roses, that only highlighted the fact that he was alone.

He's smile had disappeared, his shirt was crumpled, and the pretty receptionist had apparently began to feel sorry for him, for she had brought him a cup of tea and some biscuits - which had somehow made him feel even more pathetic.

The only thing Matsuda could think of, was that he was a fool.

What kind of an idiot would think, that a girl like Fay would be single? Of course she was with someone else. What else could possibly keep her out at this hour?

That thought wrenched his stomach, brought a foul taste to his lips.

 _Maybe she's just working late. That's what you do every night too, right?_

But the doubt and the fear were a wild beast inside his chest, gnawing his heart with sharp teeth.

Maybe it was that Near guy.

Maybe he was like the original L, mysterious and super smart and as cool as a polar bear's toenail. All things Fay couldn't resist, and things Matsuda knew he wasn't.

Or maybe it was some other guy from the SPK. There were probably a line of hot FBI agents to pick from. Fay could have chosen one or two or three or as many as she wished, one for every night. To keep her satisfied.

The two nights she had spent with him… had most likely meant nothing to her. And he had been stupid enough to confess his love to her, like an idiot.

Matsuda let out a long sigh, and stood up.

After five hours of pointless waiting, there wasn't much left of his dignity, his sharp looks, or his self esteem. It was 15 past 11pm, and he was exhausted.

And just then she walked through the front doors, and his heart kick-started so fast, it jumped to his throat.

She was breathtakingly beautiful, the red hair a halo around her face, her cheeks rosy, her eyes huge and green like forest ponds, her frame slender and delicate, and every instinct in Matsuda told him to lay his hands on her waist, pull her near and kiss her. She looked like a fairy, or an angel, and it took his breath away, stole his words and left him staring at her open mouthed like a fish on dry land.

She walked in, nervously glancing to her side, holding a cellphone on her ear - apparently deep in a conversation. It took a few heartbeats before she noticed Matsuda.

Her face went pale.

Slowly she let the cellphone fall down.

"What… what are you doing here?" she breathed.

 _Being an idiot, apparently._

"I… I brought you flowers?" Matsuda tried to smile. He offered the roses, but Fay did nothing to take them.

"Matsu, really." she sighed. "I told you I would call you when I have time to meet."

She wouldn't even look at him, and Matsuda felt like trying to breath in tar. He was painfully aware of the fact that the hotel staff in the reception desk, and the few customers in the lobby, were all witnessing his complete humiliation.

"But you didn't." he finally said. "You didn't call, and I was worried. I thought… that maybe something had happened to you."

"Well, I'm fine."

She looked everything but fine, though. The dark shadows under her eyes told Matsuda, she hadn't slept well in weeks. She was pale as a snow, and the freckles on her face stood up, making her suddenly look very young, very vulnerable.

"Fay, come on." he said. "I can see that you're not fine. And I really missed you. After the… last time, I… I thought-"

"Fine." Fay interrupted his sentence. "I guess I owe you an explanation, if nothing else. Just… let's sit down, okay?"

"Okay." he said, even if her words had felt like a dagger through his heart.

 _An explanation, if nothing else._

So - this was how this ended?

He took a step to walk towards the lifts, but Fay shook her head.

"Not to my room." she snapped. "Let's talk here."

Matsuda's cheeks flushed. Embarrassed, he followed Fay to the small sofa group on the other end of the lobby.

"Okay." she said, still not looking at him. Her eyes wandered to somewhere on her left, and she kept fiddling her cellphone. "The truth is, I didn't call you, because I… came to the conclusion, it isn't wise for us to keep on seeing each other."

Her words were a punch on the sternum.

Matsuda felt the acidic taste of disappointment on his lips.

"But… but Fay! Come on, just-"

"Please, don't beg." she breathed. "I'm… I'm just going through some hard times right now. I'm not in the place to start a relationship with anyone."

Matsuda was silent for a few heartbeats.

Funny, that his heart was still beating, even if it was breaking, even if it sent shocks of pain to his bloodstream with every slow beat.

He looked up, forced Fay to turn her eyes at him.

"Why not?"

She didn't answer. Her bottom lip was trembling slightly, as if she wanted to cry too, and her gaze wandered away again. She blinked a few times, as if seeing something he wasn't.

"Why not, Fay? Be honest. You said you owed me an explanation, so please, give it to me."

Another silence, a longer one. Her face was very pale, her eyes huge, her fingers clutched at her phone.

"Umm…. I guess…" she took a shaky breath. "I guess it's because… Because I'm scared."

She didn't say it out loud, but he got her meaning.

Scared of caring. Scared of loving. Scared of feeling anything at all, because she knew what it was to lose what you loved.

"Don't be scared." he said silently. "We are in this together."

"You don't understand. Losing L was… it was… _unbearable._ I can't-"

She pressed her hand on her lips, shook her head and a single tear fell to her cheek. It broke Matsuda's heart, but he couldn't give up now. Not now.

"You're wrong. I _do_ understand."

"No, you don't." she snapped. "You asked me, what was the truth in the lie of my death. You really want to know? The truth is, that I had the drugs and the gun in my hands, I was ready to end my life. I almost did it too. It was this close. I… I couldn't—"

They both fell silent.

What do you say to something like that?

In a heartbeat Matsuda was back in the moment he had opened the letter, and his knees had given in. He remembered the hard, cold floor under him, the wall he had leaned on. He remembered how it felt to choke in tears.

"Yeah." he finally breathed. "I get it. You loved him, and when he died, you wanted to die too. But Felicity-" he used her real name, and she startled. "I was in love with you. How do you think I felt, when I heard you had died?"

Fay's eyes widened. The emerald green of her irises was breathtakingly bright, maybe because of the tears in her eyes.

"I… I didn't-"

"You didn't think about it at all, did you?" He hadn't meant to sound like he was blaming her, but that's how it came out anyways. "It didn't even cross your mind, that it broke my heart."

"I have already said I am sorry. And yes, I felt bad because of that. I never wanted to hurt you, Matsu. I have always been very fond of you-"

He made a small, sad laugh.

"Fond of me." he repeated.

That's how it always was.

' _It's not you, it's me.'_

' _I really like you, but not like that.'_

' _I'd like to stay friends.'_

He had heard those kind of phrases so many times in his life, that he probably should've made a T-shirt with them printed on it. This 'fond of you' was just one more line, to the endless list of humiliations.

He was still holding the damn roses. Blood red roses, with long and vicious thorns. Beautiful and threatening at the same time, just like Fay, and Matsuda felt like the thorns were digging into the muscle of his heart instead of his fingers.

"I'm sorry." he finally said. "It was stupid of me to come here and expect something. I'll get off your face."

He placed the roses on the low table by the couches, next to a pile of women's magazines, and stood up to leave.

"Don't go."

Fay's voice was soft and faint, not much more than a whisper.

He stopped, turned to face her.

"I thought that was my line."

Fay didn't meet his eyes. She looked away, glanced to her left, as if there was something there - but there wasn't, just the wall and a painting of a fruit bowl.

Matsuda frowned, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Why did she keep staring at that damn fruit bowl?

"Don't go. And don't say that you're sorry." Fay finally said, her voice slightly shaking. "It is me, who should apologize. I know I haven't been… fair to you. I have given you reason to believe there could be something between us, when the truth is, that-"

"Just be honest." Matsuda interrupted. "Just say it - _Is_ there something here, or is it just me?"

A short silence. Fay's fingers gripped on her phone so hard her knuckles went white.

"I have only been in love once." she finally said. "It's not something that comes to me easily."

"I'm not asking that you love me now. I'm asking if it could happen someday."

She shook her head. Then nodded. Then hid her face to her hands, so that Matsuda couldn't see her tears, but just heard them in her voice.

"Yeah." she breathed. "Yeah, maybe."

His heart skipped a few beats, her words went straight to his head like an instant high.

"That's good enough for me." he said.

From somewhere inside of him, he found the courage to step to her, to kneel in front of her on the floor. The room disappeared. The echoing steps of people walking in the lobby, their chattering and their laughing, the roses on the table, the ugly painting of the fruit bowl, the people in the reception, who were probably staring at them - none of that existed any more.

A soft sigh escaped her lips into his mouth, and as he laid his hands on her shoulders, she bent under his touch, her body responding to his closeness.

He kissed her gently, softly, his lips brushing hers, his fingers buried in her hair.

He didn't know how much time passed - it could've been minutes or hours, but when she finally broke the kiss, her cheeks were as red as the roses he had brought, her pupils dilated.

"That was one hell of a kiss." she sighed. "Damn you Matsu, for making me feel this way."

He wanted more than anything to ask her what on earth did she mean by that. What was the way she felt, exactly? Was it just 'maybe' or was it something more, something as pure and all consuming he felt in his chest, a flame that would burn him to ashes.

But he didn't, fearing for the possible answer, afraid to put any more pressure on her.

"Fay, I love you." he said. "Please, don't send me away. I couldn't… I can't take it."

"Okay." a short silence. "But… there is something I have to tell you."

He was still kneeling in the floor. His hands were still in her hair, her scent of roses and green tea surrounded him, and he knew he probably should get up, to take a seat on the couch by her side, but he didn't want to. He let his hands move back to her shoulders, to her back, to feel the sharp lines of her shoulder blades.

"What do you mean?"

"That I haven't told you everything. There is a reason I didn't want to… continue this."

That made Matsuda return to the moment.

Okay, she wanted to talk. That was definitely a good thing - it might mean there would be more kissing later. Matsuda forced himself to let go of her, to get up from the floor, and sit on the sofa by her side.

"You know, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I want to hear it."

"I… I am not completely over L's death."

Matsuda felt stupid - he almost laughed.

After all - It was so _obvious_ that she wasn't over L's death, that hearing her say it like that, felt just, well - weird.

"Oh. Fay, I know." he said. "And it's alright. I don't want you to feel like you have to stop thinking about him, even if you're seeing me-"

"Yeah. But it might help if I stopped seeing him."

Matsuda blinked a few times.

Okay.

This conversation had definitely taken a turn he hadn't been expecting.

"I'm sorry, umm, what?"

Fay buried her face to her hands, and her shoulders started shaking. Was she… was she crying again? Christ, that was the worst! Nothing made Matsuda feel as helpless as crying women.

He laid a hand on Fay's shoulder, caressed it gently.

"Hey, it's alright." he tried. "Just talk to me."

"You're going to think I'm crazy!" she sobbed. "Hell, I _am_ crazy. There's no other explanation. I've lost my mind, and I'm goddamned bat-shit crazy."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because… because-" she hid her face in her hands. "Because, for these past five years, I've been seeing him around."

Suddenly Matsuda felt cold - like something cast a shadow over him. Like someone walked over his grave.

"Do you mean that… that he is not dead?"

"Oh, he's dead, alright." a short silence. "I mean, like his ghost."

Her words felt like a gunshot through his abdomen.

"His… um... his ghost?"

"Yup. I told you I was nuts."

"And you… uh, you see that often?"

She shrugged.

"It depends. Sometimes not in months, but sometimes… lately, it's been quite often. Actually, all the time."

Matsuda felt his hand shaking slightly on her shoulder.

The coldness in the room was spreading to his feet, to his fingers, and suddenly he wondered how he hadn't noticed it before. It surely hadn't been this cold when he had arrived, had it?

 _You're just tired. That's all._

 _You should take her to her room. It's almost 11.30pm - she must be exhausted too._

"Fay, I-"

But she interrupted his sentence.

"What would you say, if I told you, I can see him right now?" Fay's voice was trembling. "That he's standing right there, in that corner. He's looking at us, and biting his thumb, and-"

Matsuda stood up, faster than a lightning bolt.

"I would tell him to leave us in peace." he muttered. And then, raising his voice: "I said - leave us be! Get the Hell away from us, you-"

"Matsuda, no!" Fay breathed. "Don't-"

The only sound he could hear was the bass drum of his heart, pounding in his ears.

"Is he still here?"

Fay shook her head. Her eyes were in tears, her face pale as death.

"Good." he stated.

Fay was blinking her eyes, to stop the tears from falling. She looked at him, both shocked and relieved.

"You don't think I'm crazy." she whispered. "You… you _believe_ me."

"I've seen ghosts before."

Matsuda bent his head, leaned his hands to his knees. For a short moment he felt like fainting.

In a heartbeat he was seven years old again, and scared to death, alone in the dark. Alone, with no one who would believe him. Fear tasted like blood, silence was full of voices, and there was nowhere to hide.

 _Fuck, I thought I had forgotten that!_

And then Fay was standing in front of him, her gentle hands were on his shoulders, her scent of roses and green tea surrounded him, and he found the strength to stand up straight. Her eyes were a deep well of fear and sadness, and Matsuda didn't even try to stop falling into them.

"You believe me." she breathed.

"Always."

"I'm not… I'm not nuts?"

"I don't think so. In a world of Shinigamis and killer notebooks… I'd be surprised if there weren't ghosts."

Her eyes widened, her lips parted.

"Kiss me." she said. "Kiss me now, so that I can't think."

His heart swelled, it filled his ribcage like hot lava, and he couldn't even breath. He pulled her close and his lips found hers. The taste of her tears became the taste of their kiss - and Matsuda knew - he wasn't the only one falling.


	49. Wormhole

**I'm feeling a bit better today, yay! And I have a full week of vacation ahead of me - which hopefully means no stress, and time to write.**

 **Please, review - I'd love to know your thoughts of this chapter.**

* * *

 **January 18th to January 19th, 2010.**

"Have you been eating? You look very pale."

"You're one to talk."

"Huh. You can hardly blame me _,_ for not eating. I _am_ dead."

"Do you really have to keep bringing that up all the time?" Fay gave him an annoyed glance. "Besides, I meant that you never ate real food when you were alive either. You only ate sweets."

"And you are not eating even them. Fay, you know better than this. You need calories to stay alive."

"Yeah, yeah." Fay rolled her eyes. "Stop patronizing me. You know how I hate it."

They walked side by side on the pavement near Fay's hotel - Fay holding a cell phone on her ear to make it look like she was having a phone call. It had been an exhausting day at work, and it was now past 11pm. Her bones ached, her head felt dizzy, and her muscles were tense and sore. She wanted nothing more than to get to her room, kick off her shoes and dip herself into a hot bubble bath - preferably with a full glass of wine in her hand.

L didn't say a thing, just shrugged - and Fay watched in disbelief as he walked right through a lamp post. It always made her uneasy when he pulled a stunt like that.

"Anyways… I'm just not hungry. This case makes me nervous, and you know that I lose my appetite, when that happens."

"I know. And that is why I worry."

"If you really worry for me, then how about helping me out a bit? Spy Mikami for me, so that I can sleep late tomorrow?" she raised an eyebrow.

"I am sorry, but that is something I can't do for you. It is not Mikami, that I am attached to."

"Fine." Fay stated. It wasn't like she had been serious anyways. "But you don't need to worry much longer. It's only 10 more days. Just 10 days, and this will all be over. I'll get to go home to Lily."

 _Or come to you. If Near fails and we all die, then I'll get to be with you forever._

But she didn't say that out loud. She knew L hated it, when she talked about her death wish.

"Hmmm." L made a soft sound, that sent shivers to Fay's spine. "You miss Lily a lot?"

"I do. More than anything."

"How is she doing?"

"Can't you tell? Can't you like, I don't know, take a peek through a wormhole in space-time continuum, or something, and see for yourself?"

L gave out a somewhat annoyed sigh.

"It doesn't work like that, Fay."

"Then how does it work? How come I can see you all the time now? It wasn't like this before."

L was silent for a long while, and Fay glanced at him, saw how he pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his faded jeans. It was eerie to watch how he walked on the freezing pavement barefoot, his long, thin toes white as snow.

"I do not know." he finally replied. "You draw me here, I think. Or perhaps the fact that there is so little time left. I cannot say."

"Or you don't want to say?"

"Does it make any difference?"

Fay sighed. She was tired of these endless discussions, that led to nowhere.

He never told her how he came here, where he was, when he wasn't with her, or anything else about the fact that he was…. well, a spirit.

It wasn't like she didn't want him here. She did. She wanted it more than anything, and every time he appeared, every time she saw him standing in the corner of her room, walking on the street, staring at her through the windows of the subway cart, her heart skipped a few beats, and she was right back where she had been five years ago. In love with him, so profoundly that it completely overroad everything else.

But still.

She had began to suspect the state of her mental health lately, more than ever before.

It had started that day when L had appeared in the coffee shop when she'd been talking with Mello, a week and a half ago. It had been the first time ever, for her to see him in bright daylight, in a place that was full of other people.

To be honest, it had scared her.

She wondered, if this was how it started. Losing one's mind. How the Hell was she supposed to know if this was real, or if she was suffering from schizophrenia? And L wasn't helping at all - on the contrary. His vague replies to her questions were just one more proof to Fay, that he was nothing more than a product of her own subconscious and her broken heart.

But the worst part was, that even knowing it, she still was unable to let go.

How sad was that?

That the best part of her day was to walk down the street, talking to a hallucination about her eating habits.

"You have not called to Matsuda in a long time." L stated then out of the blue, startling Fay.

She blushed, against her will.

"I haven't."

"Why?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Fay snapped. "It's private."

"Oh. I'm sorry." he replied. "I did not mean to-"

"Why do you care anyways? It's not like I have to discuss my sex life with you. Christ! I'm not calling him, because I don't want to see him anymore. Isn't that clear?"

"It is. I was merely wondering what is your reason for that. I thought you said you needed to-"

"Yes. And I regret ever telling you that, if you're going to keep bringing that up every damn time I see you." Fay couldn't help the pointed tone in her words. "I went five years without sex, and I'm perfectly capable of returning into that life again."

 _Liar liar, pants on fire._

The truth was, that she was so horny, she felt like her brain could explode.

She missed Matsuda's hands on her skin, his lips on hers, his lean, strong body on top of her in the bed, the scent of his sweat and his aftershave that filled her nostrils when he pushed inside and filled her so, that she couldn't think about anything. She missed it all so much, it made her want to cry, and claw her skin off.

But life was a suffering. And this was just one more thing she had to endure.

She was not going to meet him again, because it simply wasn't fair. Not as long as L was in her life, and her heart was still his.

"What's this sudden desire to talk about Matsuda, anyways. I've told you like every day, that it's over between me and him."

"Oh." L shrugged. "Does he know that too?"

"Come on! Why do you even ask?"

"Because he is waiting for you there, with a big bouquet of roses."

That made Fay's heart fall to her feet. She hadn't even realized they had reached her hotel, and were now standing at the front door.

And yes, there was Matsuda, looking straight at her - his dark almond eyes filled with hope and love and everything soft and gentle and beautiful, that made Fay's heart twist.

She couldn't say a thing.

She wanted to turn on her heels and run away, to flee and to hide - but it was too late for that. Matsuda had already noticed her.

"He is looking quite sharp today." L stated, with his usual, monotonic tone. "He has probably went home to change, and look - he has even polished his shoes. A nice touch from someone, who knows it is over between the two of you."

"Shut up, wise ass." Fay muttered. "I hate you."

"Hmm." L sighed. "It is like I've heard that before."

Without giving him an answer, Fay let her phone hand fall down, and walked inside.

* * *

It had been one of the most horrible moments of her life. Seeing, how Matsuda told L to leave them in peace.

Horrible, so goddamn awful that it had brought tears to her eyes. She was so afraid that L would indeed leave, that she would never see him again, that it was over now, that Matsuda had ruined everything by driving away the one thing she had ever loved.

But on the other hand...

He had done it to protect her.

She had told him that she was being haunted. He had done the reasonable thing, the only thing anyone with their right mind would do, when hearing there was a ghost in the room.

She couldn't blame him for doing that. Actually - she felt a bit relieved. It was true that she was exhausted. It had begun to take it's toll on her, that she was followed by a ghost _all the time_ now.

Besides - just the fact that she had been able to tell someone about this, felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

 _He believes me. He doesn't think I'm crazy. He loves me, just the way I am._

If that wasn't a turn on, Fay didn't know what was.

When Matsuda kissed her, she buried her fingers into his hair, that thick, black hair she loved. His lips on hers were so soft, the way he kissed her both gentle and determinate, his hands on her waist pulled her closer and she wanted to give in to him, to lose herself in this kiss, to have him scoop her up to his arms and carry to her room, to make love to her so that she would forget everything.

She needed for him to be the tree she could lean on, the steady rock under her feet. The one solid thing in the world full of fears and shadows.

His tongue entered her mouth, and she couldn't help a shiver that went through her core. Her lips opened to him, her knees went weak and she could only stay on her feet because his strong arms were holding her steady.

When he finally broke the kiss, they were both short of breath.

He laid his hand on her cheek, his touch warm and gentle. His fingers followed the line of her cheekbone, to her lips.

"When is the last time you ate?" he asked then. "I know it's late, but-"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Fay interrupted, slightly annoyed.

"Maybe because you look like you could use a meal?"

Fay gave a sigh. She didn't want food - she wanted sex. But the worried look in Matsuda's eyes told her that maybe he had a point.

"Umm… I don't know? This morning?"

"That's it. No wonder you're seeing ghosts!" Matsuda gave a smile. "You know, I think that ramen place might still be open."

"Are you actually joking about… about this?"

"I might be. But not about the ramen. Come on, I'll buy you a beer too." He waited for a few heartbeats for her to answer, but when she didn't he continued. "I swear, it's just around the corner, really."

She looked down, to her toes, and then, back up. His eyes were exactly the color of dark chocolate, and she found herself falling into them, into the way he was looking at her.

She could get used to the way his hands felt on her body. His gentle fingers on her cheek, his other hand on her waist, pulling her close, protecting her from any thing she chose to be afraid of.

"How come you're this kind to me?" she asked. "I'm not a good person, really. And I've treated you like shit."

"This might come as a shock to you, but I actually like you a lot." Matsuda stated. "You are my Juliet."

"Hey! I'm not going to call you Romeo."

"It was worth a try, though."

He grinned, and that made her smile too. Not a big smile, just a small twitch on the corner of her mouth, but still. She couldn't even remember when was the last time she had smiled. It felt weird - and exhilarating at the same time.

"Come on, ramen-time!" Matsuda stated. "You're going to love it."

He took her hand, and led her out of the doors, the roses forgotten on the table, deserted next to the pile of women's magazines.

* * *

It was three am, and he couldn't sleep.

Fay was lying on her side of the bed, her slender form cradled in a fetal position under the sheets. Her face was so peaceful, smooth and pale in the darkness, her breathing steady and slow. She was in deep sleep, and Matsuda wished he could have joined her, into the nothingness of the dreamworld.

But he couldn't. Something was keeping him awake, an uneasy feeling that he just couldn't shake off.

They had made love, and for the first time it had really felt like that - like making love instead of just fucking, and it had been breathtakingly awesome. It felt like a wall had been broken between them, like Fay had actually revealed herself to him, let him see all of her, every part of her. It had been more slow, more gentle than before - and it sure had taken Matsuda's mind off the things they had talked about before.

Now that he was awake, alone in the empty hotel room, those things slipped back into his mind, and he had no means to drive them away.

Ghosts.

In the dark corners of this room, in the shadows and in the doorways, in the soft sound of Fay's silent breathing.

He glanced at Fay, her white skin, her closed eyes. Her lips that were still red and swollen from all the kissing, the bare skin of her shoulder, her slender fingers that were now soft and relaxed, but he remembered how they had felt, when she had dug her fingernails into the skin of his back.

He was in love with her, undoubtedly, unreasonably. And there was nothing he could do about it. Not even now, knowing her heart still belonged to-

 _If this isn't messed up, I don't know what is._

With a sigh he got out of the bed, and pulled on his boxers and his shirt. He walked to the other room as silently as he could, poured himself a glass of water, and sat down on a couch.

"Ryuzaki." he whispered.

There was no answer. Of course not. He hadn't really expected there to be, but still he felt like he had to try.

"I don't know if you can hear me." he continued. "Maybe you could, I don't know, like give me a sign or something? To let me know if you're here?"

Right. He felt like an idiot for saying things like that.

Though, with Ryuzaki he had always felt like an idiot, so maybe that was the sign?

He gave out a sigh, and shook his head. Damn, this was stupid. This was the most dumbass thing he had ever done, but still-

"Okay, I'll just assume you're here, and say what I wanted to say." A short pause."I know you never thought much of me, and yeah, compared to you I _am_ an idiot. But Ryuzaki… Lawliet? I… I love Fay. I've never loved anyone like this. And yeah, you probably hope that she would've found someone better than me, someone more intelligent, more… everything. But I think she likes me too, or she _would_ like me if you only… could let her?"

A silence lingered in the room, that kind of silence that made speaking hard for the air felt slow and sticky.

The shadows moved in the corners like living things, and Matsuda felt the hair in the back of his head stand up. It was suddenly very cold in the room, and it chilled his blood.

It was hard to keep his voice from shaking as he continued.

"I promise I'll treat her good." he breathed. "I'll never hurt her. I'll keep her safe. I'll make sure she has everything she needs."

He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, but not much else. Fay's breathing in the next room, the sound of never ending traffic outside. And still, he felt the room wasn't empty. It was like there was someone there, even if he could not see, could not hear anything. It was just a feeling, but it sure as Hell was unnerving.

"I promise." his voice was shaking. "She doesn't have to be alone anymore."

No answer, nothing.

And then - a sudden change in the air pressure, like a wave or a wind, like someone had slammed the door shut, except that there was no sound. Matsuda gasped, stood up his heart in his throat.

"What the-?!"

"Matsu…?" Fay's voice from the bedroom. "What… what time is it?"

"Oh, three am…"

His heart was beating like crazy, as he walked to the doorway, swiftly slipped from the dark livingroom to the safety of Fay's presence. He glanced over his shoulder, but saw nothing, just shadows. He still wasn't sure what had just happened, but he wasn't going to find out.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up." he tried to keep his voice cool. "I couldn't sleep."

Fay rubbed her eyes, turned to face him.

"No, it's fine. I had… a weird dream. That's all."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Mhh, not really. Just hold me, okay?"

He sat down on the bed, laid his hand gently on her hip.

"Yeah, okay."

"Com'ere." Fay muttered, her voice still sleepy, soft like a feather.

She raised her hand, grabbed Matsuda's arm, and pulled him down on the bed, wrapped her slender arms around his neck.

It felt so right. Her scent of roses surrounded him, filled him like sunshine, driving away every doubt, every fear, every shadow. She snuggled closer to him, clinging her body to his, her skin that was so warm, so soft, felt like silk under his touch.

* * *

 **Review, please!**


	50. Alea iacta est

**I got a review, asking for more action - Kira is roaming free, after all!** **Yes, I know - I am hopeless, haha! There is a mass murderer killing tons of people, and all my characters do is have sex and talk about their love life... But hey, here we go - more action. I hope you like this chapter, it is one of my favorites.**

 **Please, please review - it means so much to me!**

* * *

 **January 26th, 2010.**

Three chocolate croissants, and a rope.

Somehow the thought of them had haunted Fay for the past few days.

She was sitting in the car with Gevanni, staring at the office building where Mikami worked, fighting against boredom, despair and anxiety.

It was now two days 'till the date Near had set for the final meeting with Kira, and the fear was eating Fay alive. She trusted Near with her life - literally - but still she was scared. She knew well enough that if Near lost his gamble, none of them would leave the yellow box warehouse alive, and she would never see Lily again.

And that's how it always was. When she was anxious, these thoughts always found her, and she couldn't shake off the image of the chocolate croissants and a rope.

"You ever heard of the 'Missing Princess'?" she asked, turning her eyes at Gevanni.

He briefly glanced at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Princess Hilde of Norway. She got missing. It was all over the news, about ten, eleven years ago?"

Gevanni made a face.

"That one. Yes, I remember. She was found dead, right?"

"Yeah."

A short silence.

"Why are you thinking about her?"

Fay shrugged.

It was easy to talk with Gevanni nowadays. They had gotten used to each other, Fay to his silence and his awesome super human abilities, Gevanni to her ADHD, her need to constantly talk or move or fidget things. Besides, Fay enjoyed talking to someone who wasn't dead - or who wasn't staring at you all the time.

"Dunno." Fay bit her lip. "I just sometimes do. You know, she was the same age as I was that time. 17 years old. And it was me, who asked the original L to take that case."

"Oh." Gevanni said, suddenly interested. " _You_ asked the original L-?"

"Yeah. We were a team back then." A short silence. "He, of course, told me that the case was waste of his time, but I begged him to take it. I just… I don't know. I felt for the poor girl."

"Why would he say it was waste of his time?"

"Hm. Obviously because that case was so easy. It took us less than a minute to solve it, after we got the security tapes of the store she had visited before disappearing."

Now Gevanni did turn his eyes from the office building, raised his eyebrows.

"Less than a minute?"

"30 seconds tops."

"Impressive. What was in the tapes?"

"We saw her buying three chocolate croissants and a rope. That was it, case solved."

"A rope. I get it - a suicide, right?"

Fay gave a nod. "Yeah. They later found her body in the exact place we predicted. She had hung herself in a tree."

" wasn't in the news. The way I remember it, it was a hiking accident."

"Of course. Nobility don't commit suicides. Not in public." Fay snorted. "It wasn't the rope that solved the case, though. It was the croissants."

Gevanni glanced at her.

"How come?"

"She had an eating disorder, anorexia. Why would she buy anything like a chocolate croissant - not to mention three - if she wasn't going to kill herself after eating them?"

Gevanni was silent for sometime after that, not looking at Fay. His beautiful, thin fingers rested on the steering wheel, his eyes again fixated in the entrance of the office building across the street.

"I find myself thinking about her from time to time." Fay continued. "About the silence of the woods. The loneliness she must have felt. The despair." A short pause. "The truth is, that after that case, I… I kind of lost my drive to solve crimes. It all began to feel, I don't know… meaningless, I guess."

"Talking about a suicide." Gevanni noted. "Should I be worried?"

Fay made a small, sad laugh.

"Hey, I've been thinking about a suicide for the past five years, and I'm still here. Nothing's changed."

Gevanni opened his mouth, as if to say something, but then didn't. The silence lasted for a while, and this time Fay didn't try to fill it.

"Five years?" he finally asked. "That's when L died, the original L."

"Yeah."

"So, is that why you are here? I knew his death was a motivator behind Near's actions, but I wasn't aware that you knew him too."

"Oh, I knew him."

A silence. She tasted iron, blood or tears on her lips.

"What was he to you, exactly? Your partner?"

"Everything." Fay breathed. "He was _everything_ to me. And yeah, I am here to avenge him. I'm ready to do whatever it takes, to-"

And just then her cell phone rang. Fay dug it out of her pocket, but it was an unknown number. She frowned, but answered.

"Who's this?" she asked.

"It's me."

Fay startled. It was Mello's voice. It had been weeks since their encounter in the coffee house, and she hadn't heard from him since. And now he was calling her cell - just hours after Near had told them, that Mello was the one responsible of kidnapping Kiyomi Takada.

"Mello?!" Fay glanced at Gevanni, and gestured him to stay silent. She put the call on the speakerphone, and soon Mello's voice echoed in the car.

"Yeah, don't sound so surprised. You told me to call you in case I needed-"

"I know, but damn, Mello - you kidnapped Takada! What kind of a stupid-ass plan is that?!"

Mello didn't answer, but Fay heard a weird noise, almost… almost like sobbing. If she hadn't know better, she would have thought Mello was crying.

But… this was Mello. Why would he cry?

"Mello, what is it?" she breathed "What's happened?"

A short silence, a muffled sound.

"They killed him." he finally replied, his voice was thick, almost unrecognizable.

"Whom? Who's dead?"

"Mattie." He groaned. "They killed Mattie, shot him on the street. It's in the news, I saw it in TV."

Fay felt like her heart stopped. A sudden pain flashed through her core like a spear. Tears flooded her eyes.

"Oh, oh no… Oh, Mello, I'm so sorry. That's—"

"Just don't." he snapped. "I don't need your pity. I have to finish this thing. Tell Near—"

"What?"

He made a sobbing sound Fay couldn't interpret. Like he was trying hard not to cry.

"Nothing. He's going to figure it out anyways."

"Figure out what?"

"Keep your eyes on Mikami. He's going to make a mistake, and your life depends on the fact that you notice it."

Fay blinked, to stop the tears. They burned in her eyes, they made her feel like she was drowning.

"Mello, what are you going to do? How is kidnapping Takada going to help Near solve the case? Talk to me - I don't understand!"

But there was no answer, just the sound of a large car, a truck maybe, and Mello's breathing that sounded like sobbing.

"Mello, answer to me!" Fay almost shouted. "Tell me how I can help you!"

For a moment she thought Mello was crying on the other end of the phone, but then she recognized the sound - he was laughing, kind of. The bitter, twisted laugher made the hair in the back of her head stand up.

"No help for me, Fay. It's over."

"But Mello, come on-"

"Goodbye Fay. If there's an other side, I'll give your love to L."

"No, don't-!"

But he hung up, and there was no answer to her pleads. She raised her eyes to meet Gevanni's widened stare.

"Shit!" Fay cursed, throwing her phone to the floor. "Fuck this!"

Tears were burning in her eyes, they tasted like blood or steel on her lips, and she felt like choking.

Matt was dead.

She remembered the cute redheaded boy with wide green eyes and obsession to gaming, smart as a whip, but always underperforming. She remembered the scent of his wet hair after he had went swimming in the pond, the dimples that showed, when he was smiling. He'd had freckles on his face, just like she did.

Shot on the street.

 _And Mello, Gods, Mello._

Fay's stomach turned upside down, her heart was breaking.

By the sound of it, Mello was on a suicide mission, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She wiped off the tears that fell to her cheek.

"You knew that Matt guy?" Gevanni asked, his voice surprisingly soft and gentle.

Fay nodded, still shocked. Her hands were shaking.

"Turn on the TV." she managed.

Gevanni did as he was told, turning on the small, portable TV they had in the car. And there it was, on every channel, footage of Matt standing in front of a car, a cigarette hanging on the corner of his mouth, wearing his usual striped shirt and those ridiculous goggles - and then, the gun fire, holes in his fur coated vest, blood, so much blood everywhere, the surprised look on his young, boyish face as he lay limp on the ground.

Fay's breathing was shaky, her hands were trembling, but she couldn't stop watching. She couldn't even imagine how Mello had felt when watching this. She remembered the way Mello had looked at Matt in the coffee house, the tenderness in his otherwise so hard and cold eyes. Just thinking about it broke her heart.

"I'm sorry." Gevanni said silently. "I'm truly sorry for your loss."

She made a sob, sucked the tears back and wiped her face.

"I'm not crying for myself. I'm crying for Mello."

Gevanni looked like he didn't get her meaning, but Fay didn't care. He hadn't known either one of those brilliant boys, it wasn't his loss, it wasn't his heartbreak. Besides, Mello had killed many of the SPK members, so Gevanni was probably only glad that he was-

Fay shook her head to her thoughts.

Mello was still alive. Maybe… maybe there was a chance he'd still make it.

 _Yeah, right. Like he wanted to live in a world without Matt._

"He told us to keep an eye on Mikami." Fay managed. "Let's do just that. I can't bare to think about Matt or Mello right now."

"Look!" Gevanni gasped. "That's him. But what-"

Fay turned to look where Gevanni was pointing - and indeed, there he was. Teru Mikami had just stepped out of the building, and was heading across the street. The cold January breeze made his black hair fly around his pale, emotionless face and he had turned up the collar of his jacket. He glanced over his shoulder, as if to check if there was someone following him - but paid no attention to their small Toyota.

"It's not like him to exit the office at this hour." Gevanni noted. "It can't be a coincidence."

"After him, now!" Fay stepped out of the car, as soon as Mikami was far enough. "Come on, let's hurry!"

Trying to look as casual as possible, Fay joined the river of people walking down the street. She didn't turn around to see if Gevanni followed her - she didn't need to. The wind was freezing, and Fay wrapped a scarf around her neck, let the air dry the last of her tears.

Matt was dead. Mello would soon be too.

Her heart felt like broken glass inside her ribcage. It was so hard to breath, so hard to focus. But Fay swore, her eyes wouldn't leave Mikami, not before he made the mistake Mello had mentioned.

She would do all in her power, to make sure his sacrifice hadn't been in vain.

* * *

Two hours later they were standing in the HQ, Fay holding the notebook of death in her still trembling fingers.

All she could think of, was that L would be proud. That finally, after all these years, she had become the spy he had trained her to be. And this was where it all came down to.

She could finally avenge his death.

"This." Fay breathed. "This is the real notebook."

Near's gaze moved to the notebook she was holding, then back to her eyes, sharp as a dagger.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. The one Mikami had in his briefcase, the one we tampered with, was a fake notebook - made for a sole purpose. To fool us. This one, the real one, was hidden in the safe deposit box, in the bank, all this time."

Near was silent for a few heartbeats, then reached his fingers to slightly touch the notebook.

"That was a genius plan." he said silently. "I almost fell for that trap."

"Without Mello, we would have." Fay replied. "Only because he kidnapped Takada, were we able to find the real notebook. We owe him."

Near glanced at the TV screens on the wall. One of them showed a stone building that was in fire, a body of a burning truck still visible inside. Even if Near's saucer eyes didn't reveal any emotion, Fay knew he wasn't nearly as indifferent as he liked people to think he was.

"Yes." he finally said. "We owe to Mello. There is symmetry, I think, in this. That in the end we were forced to work together, to bring down Kira."

"Near…." Fay sighed, and sat down on the floor. She made sure she didn't touch the small puppets in front of Near, their neat formation. "I am sorry. I know you were fond of Mello."

"I was." he replied, his eyes not meeting hers. "But it makes no difference now. The die is cast, and we must hurry, to make sure we win this race. Gevanni?"

"Yes?" the dark haired agent replied.

"You will help Fay to forge the entire notebook. And that copy-"

"Yes." Fay breathed. "That copy will be our salvation, and Kira's doom."

"Indeed." A smile appeared on Near's lips. "I am looking forward to it."


	51. Flowers

**Guys - so very few reviews for my latest chapters! :( Why is that, I wonder? Have I really lost my 'mojo'? Do you not like this anymore?**

 **I'm haunted by self doubt and insecurities. If you don't dig this anymore, at least tell my why. I wish to do better.**

* * *

 **January 28th, 2010.**

Fay woke up to the sound of the bells.

It was so clear, so loud, that it easily pierced her restless sleep, and in a heartbeat she was awake. She sat up, blinking her eyes, trying to catch her breath. Her heart was racing.

Nothing. The sound was gone, but she was sure it had been there just a moment ago.

The sound of the bell.

It triggered memories, of her last days with L. She remembered him, standing on the rooftop, Tokyo at his feet, staring at the horizon, beautiful and ethereal as an angel. A few days later he had been dead.

 _I wonder if this is it. If this is the day I die._

Fay glanced around in the room, but it was empty. L had been there the night before, like he had been every night lately. He had sat on her bedside, silently watching her until she had fallen asleep, but now he was nowhere to be seen. Fay was alone, and in her bones she still felt the resonating sound of the bell.

With a sigh she got out of the bed, and glanced at the clock. It was barely 6am, but she knew she couldn't sleep anymore.

She showered, washed her hair, put on the set of clean clothes she had laid out last night. It had taken her an eternity to pick the outfit. It had to be something classy and professional - she would be standing next to Gevanni and Halle Linder after all - but it had to be practical and comfortable too, in case something went wrong and she'd have to shoot or to run. And most importantly - it had to be something, she could die wearing.

Somehow that felt important. To feel pretty on her last day.

She had settled on the black floral dress she had wore for her date with Matsuda. Not because of him, though, but because it reminded her of her daughter. Lilies and roses, it had, embroidered in the hem, their leaves and tendrils wreathing up towards her waist.

 _Lily-Rose Elizabeth Lawliet. My sweetest flower, my sun, my heart._

Fay's soul ached when she thought of Lily, missing her felt like her heart was carved out of her chest. It had been too long, six weeks, since she had seen Lily's sweet face last time, felt her slender arms around her neck. She felt like the worst mother in the universe, abandoning Lily like this - but what other choice did she have? Kira had to be dealt with, and Fay knew she'd never have peace if she wasn't there to witness Light die.

 _Soon I'll see Lily again. I have to. I can't let myself think about the other option._

But still she thought about it. About the fact, that if Near lost this game, it wasn't only Lily who lost a mother. It was the whole world doomed into fear and tyranny. Compared to that, her own life, her own fears, suddenly felt meaningless.

With these heavy thoughts, she made herself an extra large coffee - with a shot of whisky - for breakfast, then sat down on the floor, opened her laptop and called Lily.

Her face appeared on the screen almost immediately - her cloud of black hair, her round cheeks and huge eyes, all that cuteness that reminded Fay so painfully of L.

"Mom! When are you coming home?!" Lily exclaimed, jumping up and down on her seat, restless and hyperactive, as always. "I can't wait anymore!"

"Soon, sweetie." Fay replied. "Tomorrow, or the day after that. My job here is almost done."

"Yes!" Lily showed some missing teeth when smiling. She held up her stuffed unicorn, that was so loved, it was all worn and threadbare. "Mr. Sparky misses you too. We want to sleep in your bed again."

"I know, I've missed that. I get so lonely here."

"Mom. The population of Japan is 127,1 million people. How can you get lonely?"

"Huh. That's a good point." Fay couldn't help a smile. "But you're not here, so it's not the same."

"But Near is there. Right?"

"Even so." Fay stated. "Near is adorable, but I don't get to cuddle him that much."

That made Lily giggle, so that the dimples appeared on her cheeks.

Suddenly with her green eyes and those dimples, Lily reminded Fay of Matt, and the pain of losing him was fresh on her soul, cold, sharp and piercing. It took all she had, to hide it from Lily.

This could be the last time she saw her. She had to keep her smile on, to give Lily something to remember, but tears.

"I'm so happy that soon this is over." she sighed. "And I'm so proud of you. You've been such a brave girl."

"You promise you coming? Like really, really promise?"

Fay's heart twisted.

"I promise."

"Promise-promise?"

"Yes, I cross my heart and hope to die -promise. Have I ever let you down, honey? Have I ever not fulfilled my promise to you?"

"Nah." she shook her head so that the black strands of her hair flew around her face. "Never."

That made Fay feel horrible.

How could she lie to her daughter like this, when she had no idea if she would ever see her again? But she needed to believe there was a tomorrow, that there was a future, otherwise she'd shatter like broken glass.

"I might not be able to call you tomorrow." She forced herself to continue. "But I will as soon as I can, and let you know which flight I'll be taking. I'm going to be home before you know it."

But Lily seemed to have lost interest on that topic. That was how her mind worked, flashing from one thing to another faster than Fay could follow.

"Guess what, Mom?" she asked, grinning.

"Tell me."

"I went riding today. It was so much fun! Ms. Sachs says I'm getting better every day."

That actually made Fay smile - the thought of her tiny daughter on horseback, the black strands of her hair escaping to the wind around the helmet. She had loved horses from the day one, just like Fay had.

"I bet you are. Just remember to be careful. I don't want you to break as many bones I did."

"Did that hurt?" Lily blinked her huge eyes.

"Yes, it did. A lot. That's why I need you to promise you'll be careful."

"Okay, Mom. I will. You'll see."

"Hey, it's probably way past your bedtime." Fay said. She knew it was time to let Lily go to sleep, time for her to say her goodbuys, time to let go. But damn, it was hard. It brought tears to her eyes, and she had to blink to make them go away.

Apparently one whisky for breakfast hadn't been enough.

"I don't wanna." Lily made a face. "I want to be with you."

"And soon you will. I'll be home before you know it, honey. I love you, more than the sun shines, more than there are stars in the universe."

"I love you too, Mom. Bye!" she gave a wet kiss on the camera, and Fay's heart ached.

She waited in front of the screen until Roger appeared, taking Lily's place.

"Fay." Roger said. "I couldn't help but to hear what you said to Lily. Is it really true? You are coming home soon?"

"Has my daughter worn you out already?" Fay asked. "You look tired."

"I am worried."

"Hm. That makes two of us."

There was a small silence. The lines on Roger's forehead deepened.

"Can you not tell me what is the situation there?" he asked. "Is there hope, that this will soon be over?"

"Yes, Roger. Today is the day." her breath got caught in her throat. "Today it will end, for better or worse. We will bring down Kira, or die trying."

Roger sighed, the look on his face told Fay all about the burden that lay on his shoulders.

"Try not to worry." she breathed. "I will call you as soon as it's over. But if you don't hear from me in… 12 hours, assume that we lost. Then you can open the envelope I left you, and you will find there my will, and instructions concerning Lily's future."

Roger let out a sad, exhausted sigh. He suddenly looked years older than Fay remembered him looking. She wondered if he had heard the news of Mello and Matt's death, but she didn't have the heart to ask. She didn't want to be the one to tell him that two more of his boys had lost their lives because of Kira.

"Alright, Fay." Roger finally replied. "I will. But let us not assume the worst. I believe in Near."

"As do I. If there is anyone who can beat Kira, it's him."

"I know you can't talk much about it… but is the plan good? Is it solid?"

"It's as solid as plans get." Fay stated. "And if I was L, I'd say our chances of success are about 85%."

That made Roger give out a small smile, even if it was a sad one.

"That's my girl." he said. "Now, go and finish what L started."

"I will." Fay nodded. "I will."

The call was disconnected, and Fay let the tears she had held back, fall to her cheeks.

There were so many things that weighed on her soul, so many deaths, so many losses. The faces of all the people, of all the Wammy's kids, who had lost their lives in pursuit of Kira, flashed through Fay's mind.

 _Lawliet. Matt and Mello. Is it going to be Near next? And me with him?_

 _And then… Lily?_

Fay closed her eyes, and sent a silent prayer to a whatever God was listening. A wordless prayer, nothing but a desperate plea for help. _Please, keep Lily safe. Please, Gods, keep her out of this, hide her from Kira's eyes whatever may happen to me._

She opened her eyes, and looked up, out of the windows and saw the sun rising over the skyline of Tokyo. The light, reflected from the glass walls of the skyscrapers, entered the room, and suddenly she was illuminated by the scattered rays, blinded by the brightness that filled her.

She felt almost weightless, as if she herself was nothing more than dust floating in the air, travelling through time, through light.

Suddenly she remembered Near's grey eyes, the way his lips curved into a smile.

 _The die is cast._

His words disappeared under another sound, so loud that it she felt it resonating in the floor under her knees.

Fay gasped.

The bell.

There was a bell, surely, a church or maybe a temple nearby? She couldn't be hearing things, could she?

 _Yeah, right. After seeing ghosts for five years, why are you surprised?_

Fay got to her feet, stumbled to the window, but by the time she got there, the sound was gone. She saw nothing out of the ordinary, nothing but the awakening buzzing metropole, the city full of people, all unaware of the fact that this day would change all their fates forever.

The sound of the bell was gone, but her heart was still pounding.


	52. Heart

**Super, hyper thanks for the amazing reviews. They made me so happy! I usually reply to reviews by PM, but I want to give a special thanks to "shutupbeaver" for taking the time to leave such a detailed review, and especially for complimenting me on my dialogue writing skills. (THANK YOU! Your nice words made me cry, seriously.)**

 **The thing is, that I used to be _hopeless_ with dialogues, when I started writing 15 years ago. I mean, really awful! So, my fellow writers, never give up - if you aren't good in something, practice, practice and practice. The only way to learn how to write dialogue, is to read A LOT (I think Rick Riordan and Cassandra Clare have thought me a lot about this, haha!), to write a lot and to trust on the dialogue - it will carry the plot if you'll let it. And of course, it helps, if you are a bit nuts. The best dialogue happens, when the characters live in your head, and their constant chattering won't give you a moment's peace. Thus, my last tip on writing dialogue is, that always carry something you can write with - a notebook, pieces of paper, a pen or a phone. Don't let the lines slip away, when they pop into your head.**

 **Okay, after all this chit chat about dialogue, I'm presenting you a chapter that has almost none of it, haha. :D I hope you'll enjoy it nevertheless.**

 **Much love and thanks for reading! (And pleeeazze, review!)**

* * *

 **January 28th, 2010**

Fay stood behind Near's shoulder in the Yellow Box warehouse, between Halle Linder and Gevanni.

They had arrived a half an hour early, to make sure everything was in order - and to have time to make their cool pose, Fay thought. And sure, they were an impressive group. Linder tall and cold like an ice statue, Gevanni with his features of a Greek god, Commander Rester who looked - as always - as if he'd be ready to command an army to battle, and Mogi - standing on their side of the warehouse too - his impressive jaw clenched tight, his shoulders rigid. But no matter the resolution, the determinate anger that emitted from them all - without Near they would have been ordinary.

He was on his knees on the floor, his precious puppets in front of him. His white hair was a fluffy halo around his head, his clothes the same white pajamas as always, and he looked eerie in this surrounding, like a ghost, like a being of another realm, something to be feared of. There was no softness in him, nothing childlike or cute anymore. He was a sharp dagger, an arrowpoint aimed at Kira.

"It is nearly time." Near's soft voice echoed in the hall. "Fay, the mask."

Fay didn't answer, but just reached out to give him the mask she had been holding. It was made to look like an L puppet, and she hated it - it twisted L's features into something weird, something ugly and scary - which was probably the whole point. Still, Fay was happy she didn't have to see Near wearing it, from her place behind his shoulder.

She helped Near to put the mask on, and when she straightened up, she saw the real L standing in the opposite corner.

Fay's heart jumped, and she went pale.

Yeah, she had gotten used to him hanging around these past days, but still, seeing him here was… unexpected.

She glanced around, to see if anyone reacted to L's presence, but everyone else seemed oblivious to it. Right. As usual, she was the only lunatic in the group.

Fay turned her eyes back at L, let her heart fall for him once again.

He was hunching, his right hand deep in his pocket, his left on his lips. The shirt he was wearing seemed even whiter than Near's clothes, his jeans the old, loose ones, worn out and scuffed. Fay remembered with aching clarity how it felt to bury her face into his shoulder, to inhale the scent of his clothes - cotton, English tea and vanilla. She remembered how the fabric felt against her cheek, how his fingers felt in her hair, how his heart beat inside his chest and she heard the steady sound of it, that always grounded her, no matter how scared she was.

L looked up to her eyes, as if he had been able to read her thoughts, and Fay couldn't help a shiver that went through her spine.

 _If only. If only I could touch him one last time._

But she knew that wish was futile. L seemed somehow thinner, more ethereal than before, and Fay knew with aching clarity, that he had no body to touch her, there would be no heartbeat to soothe her, to calm her down. He was nothing but air and shadows, wind and dust, and his presence here was little more than an illusion.

 _If I fall, will he be there to catch me? Will I cross the dark river, holding his hand?_

L's eyes were a deep lake of black water, a universe full of stars and secrets and memories, and Fay couldn't look away from them, could not turn her eyes away, even if she felt like falling.

"They are here." Near said, and Fay startled.

No one replied, but everyone turned to look at the door that opened, as the Japanese task force walked in.

Light stepped in first, and in near proximity Aizawa and Ide followed. Fay didn't know Ide personally - he hadn't been part of the team five years ago. But she locked gazes with Aizawa shortly. She had always been fond of him, and she noticed herself hoping he'd get out of here alive.

And after them, the last one to arrive, was Matsuda.

Fay's eyes moved to him, and her heart skipped some beats. He was so damn pretty - his boyish, a bit too long haircut fell to his forehead, and his dark, almond shaped eyes widened, as they met hers.

It wasn't until then, that Fay realized Matsuda had hoped, against all evidence, for her lies to be true. He had hoped that she wouldn't be here with Near, and seeing her now, with his enemy, shattered the image he had held of her.

The look in his eyes hurt Fay more than she liked to admit.

No matter how much she tried to stay indifferent, Matsuda's eyes cut through her defences and she felt bare, exposed in front of him - hoping she could be more, that she could be better, for him.

That she could be just a normal girl, without all the messed up stuff that came with her.

But she had to push those thoughts aside, for here was something else, that took her attention, something so exhilarating and terrifying, it took her breath away.

A shinigami.

He was hovering in the air, right behind Light, and he was grinning, chuckling, showing inches of white, shark's teeth. He was all black leather and skulls, sharp teeth and yellow eyes, and he was the most disturbing thing Fay had ever seen - but that wasn't the point.

The point was, that she could see him.

She saw the shinigami as clearly as she saw every other person in the room, which could mean one thing only.

The book she had brought Near, the book they had all touched, was the real one.

 _Jesus Christ, this plan is working!_

A relief so huge it made her knees feel like spaghetti, washed over her. She heard how Near let out a small sigh - as if he'd been holding his breath, up until this moment, and only now could finally let go of his doubts.

Now, all they needed was for the rest of the pieces found their way into the puzzle. They needed for Mikami to-

"Fay…?" That was Light Yagami. "Is that really you? But I thought-?"

Fay forced her eyes back to Light. She felt a small smile on her lips. It was somewhat satisfying to be the one thing that managed to surprise Light in this room. No doubt he had predicted every other detail, except for her presence.

"Surprised to see me alive, after writing my name in the book?" Fay raised an eyebrow. "Sorry to disappoint you."

Light's cool was back, the mask of indifference in his face again impenetrable.

"Ah. I see. You faked your own death, thinking I was Kira. That I was behind Ryuzaki's death." he made a small laugh. "I'm the one who's sorry to disappoint you. You will see that I am not Kira, and that Ryuzaki was mistaken in that, as is Near."

"Funny how the most intelligent men in the world came to the same conclusion, and you just keep telling that they're mistaken." Fay stated. "Ryuzaki, Near, Mello… I wonder what are the odds that they are all wrong in this."

"You can say what you please." Light replied. "The facts will speak for themselves. I was sorry to hear that you had died-"

"Save your lies, Light." Fay snapped. "Don't you dare to tell me you mourned for me-"

"Well, even if I didn't, I know someone who did. Isn't that right, Matsuda-?"

Light turned to look at Matsuda, who was standing behind his shoulder - but noticing the way he was looking at Fay, his eyes warm and wide, he stopped mid sentence.

"Oh." A flash of bitterness in Light's chocolate eyes. "I see you've been keeping secrets from me, Matsuda."

"Light, I'm sorry, I-"

"I wonder what else you forgot to tell?"

Suddenly Light's eyes were like ice, piercing and cold, and Fay saw how Matsuda startled. But the moment was gone in a heartbeat, a slippery smile back on Light's lips as if it had never left at all.

"No matter." he stated. "Let's stop wasting our time. Near, why don't you remove that mask and let's get this over and done with."

Light turned his attention to Near, but Fay lost interest in their exchange of words.

She turned her eyes to Matsuda's, to those huge, dark, almond shaped eyes, that were so beautiful they took her breath away. His cheeks were burning, although he was otherwise pale, and from the way he kept changing weight from foot to foot, Fay could tell that he was nervous. Glancing around in the room, Fay noticed everyone seemed to be. They all had sweat pearls on their forehead, or other signs of distress. Fay could practically hear Gevanni's rapid heartbeat, and somehow she found it amusing.

She was scared, yes. Too many things could still go to Hell. But nervous? Not really. Looking deep into L's eyes had calmed her heart, and she felt serene. This would all end within an hour, and whichever way things went, whoever won this sickening game of power, it would be over for her.

She would be free.

She let Near to lay out the terms and conditions of the meeting. Only with half of her mind, Fay listened to Matsuda's objections, Light's explanations. It was all meaningless to her now.

There was a strange calmness in her, and she locked eyes with L, who was still standing in the shadows. Briefly Fay wondered if the shinigami could see L as well, but no sign of the tall creature showed that he would. No one else could, just her. And it felt so right, it was just like it had always been - that she was the only one to truly see him, to truly know him.

There was a small smile on his lips, and he brought his tall, thin fingers to his mouth. A familiar gesture that brought tears to Fay's eyes.

 _I love you._

 _I'm so happy that you're here with me today._

 _If everything goes to Hell, will you take my hand and walk me to the other side?_

He tilted his head, looked deep into her eyes, and in the silence of the room, Fay could clearly hear her own heartbeat. And suddenly, unexpectedly, after so many years of thinking about killing herself, now that it came down to it, Fay realized, she wanted to live.

Not just for Lily, but for herself as well. She wanted to see the sunrise tomorrow, she wanted to breath, to fill her lungs with fresh air, for at least one more day. She wanted to live and to laugh and to love, to run barefoot on the grass, swim naked in the river, see her daughter grow up. She wanted to have more children. She wanted to live without depression and fear and pain. She wanted to feel all there was to feel, not just today, but for many, many days to come.

And She wanted to grieve, to mourn the life she had lost, her life with L, that was now nothing but a bittersweet dream.

With a trembling heart, Fay realized, she did not want to die.

The minutes they waited for Mikami to arrive, felt like an eternity. But finally- just as Near had predicted -The door to the warehouse creaked, opened just for an inch, enough for the person looking in, to see all their faces.

And even knowing that the book Mikami held must be a fake one, Fay felt her pulse accelerating.

This was the moment it all came down to.

Maybe, maybe Light had seen through the final turns of this plan?

Maybe Mikami still had some pages of the real book hidden on him, and was using them right now?

It was possible. Light had been capable of outsmarting L, something Fay had never thought could happen. So how could she be sure, that the real notebook that had ended up in her hands, wasn't just one more round of deception, one more level in Light's plan?

If so, her life would end in 40 seconds.

 _Felicity Elizabeth Penrose_. She could feel in her soul as Mikami drew the letters to the paper.

Fay looked at Near. He waited still, like a statue, not a muscle moved in his tense body. The puppets lay on the floor, forgotten.

40 seconds.

Her heart was pounding. Gevanni's breathing by her side was uneven, and suddenly Fay felt remorse that she had never told him, that he had been the best partner she ever could have wished for, in these past weeks. She had grown fond of him, and now he might never know.

30 seconds.

On the other side of the room, Matsuda was visibly shivering, his jaw clenched tight, he ran his fingers to his hair. But his eyes were on hers, and she felt his fear, his despair, his panic, could almost taste it on her lips. And as a lighting bolt, the memory of his kisses was on her, and her eyes teared up. If Matsuda died today… just the thought of it was too much to take. Fay could handle her own death, sure, but his?

No way!

A desire to feel the scent of Matsuda's aftershave, the warmth of his arms around her, filled Fay's core, but her feet were glued to the floor, and she couldn't make them move.

20 seconds.

Time was like frozen, every second as long as a year. Every heartbeat was an eternity. Fay turned her eyes from Matsuda, to L.

 _I love you. I love you so much. I wanted to be with you forever._

10 seconds.

She felt a single tear on her cheek, her breathing was shallow, it made her high headed. L's eyes were huge - had they always been like that? Like ocean before a storm, like sky on the darkest night full of stars. Had she always loved him so, that it felt like her heart would burst, that it was so full of him, that it just couldn't keep on beating anymore?

Fay took a hesitating step forward, towards him.

0 seconds.

Light's voice broke the silence.

"I win, Near."


	53. Death

**Gods, I struggled so much with this chapter! It took too long, I'm so sorry for the delay. But this one was a pain in the ass to write - I wanted to take something of the original manga, but I didn't want to copy it exactly, and finding the way to make it my own, took a bit longer than I would've liked.**

 **But here it is, the Death. I hope you like it, and please, please, review!  
**

* * *

 **January 28th, 2010**

The silence.

Fay's heart hadn't stopped, it was alive - restless and fast, a caged hummingbird in her chest.

20 seconds had passed since Light's words, and they were still all alive. Nobody was dying, and Fay felt like her head could burst with relief.

"We… We're not dead!" Matsuda, always the one to state to obvious. "It's already been about a minute and we're not dead!"

"I've been telling you that nobody would die." Near's soft voice replied.

But Fay's eyes were on Mikami. He had stepped into the room, invited by Near and Light both, when the countdown had still been on. Now Mikami's face was twisting into an ugly grimace, droplets of sweat running down his forehead. The hand that held the pen over the notebook, was shaking.

"Why? Why won't they die?" And then, his eyes turned to Light, his voice broke. "G-god- I-I did as you told me."

That was all the confession they needed,

"Rester, Gevanni. Get Mikami." Near stated.

Gevanni, always the super agent, had the handcuffs ready and in a few seconds Mikami was apprehended. The notebook fell from his grasp, to the floor. Fay's legs were still like spaghetti, her head spinning, but she managed to follow the agents, and pick up the notebook.

It was the one she had prepared, with Gevanni's help. The exact replica of the real one. She quickly leafed through the pages. The book was exactly as it had been the day before when she had left it in the safe deposit box of Mikami's bank, except for the names on the last page. A sigh left Fay's lips, as she read them.

There it was - her full name _Felicity Elizabeth Penrose_ , right after Nate River, followed by Stephen Loud (who must be Gevanni, Fay realized), Anthony Carter (Commander Rester) and Halle Bullock (Linder. Fay frowned on Halle's real name. Linder suited her so much better.)

And under those names… the names of the Japanese Task force.

Fay felt her hands trembling slightly, as she gave the book to Near, but he was all steel, all ice as he took it. His small, soft fingers that brushed hers, were the hands of a child, fingers cold in the chilliness of this warehouse.

"See for yourselves." he said, laying out the evidence, for everyone to see. "The first five names are unmistakably the real names of the SPK members. And the only name that is missing from this list, is Light Yagami."

It wasn't until now, that Fay could turn her eyes to Matsuda. Only now, when he saw what she had known already - his name written on the book of death.

Matsuda's eyes were huge and wide, and he went pale. He kept glancing back and forth between the notebook and Light, as if hoping for a miracle, hoping that Light would say something that would change all this, that this was all just a big misunderstanding.

Fay knew that look. It was the same she had felt on her face, when L had died. The look of your world crumpling to pieces.

"This is a trap!" Light lashed out, rage and fear deforming his handsome face. "Near set this whole thing up to frame me! It is impossible that nobody's dead even after their names are written in the notebook. That proves that this is a trap!"

"What?" Matsuda gasped, and Fay felt her heart breaking for him. He looked at Light as if he saw him for the first time.

"But I told you nobody would die, because I replaced the pages." Near replied.

"W-well… Y-you… It… It can't be… It's impossible…!" Light's eyes were burning, he was showing his canine teeth. He swirled around, and pointed his finger at Mikami.

"This is a setup. I don't know this man!"

Suddenly Fay was angered.

"The Hell you don't!" She lashed out. "You hand picked him to do your dirty work! You pretended to be a God, and turned him into a killer, a weapon, your puppet! And now you _dare_ to deny even knowing him, after all that he's done for you, all that he's given because of you? Have you no decency!? Have you no shame? Take responsibility for your actions, for once in your life!"

It was like a corck had been popped off a champagne bottle. Fay had waited for five years to be able to shout these words to Light face, and now that she did, she couldn't stop.

"You are a unspeakable creature, Light Yagami! You are a murderer! _You killed L_ , and for that I am glad to see you burn!"

"You dare to talk of L?" Light rasped. "He was so much above you, above all of you… Only I was his equal! You, you insignificant woman, were hardly fit to make his tea, and you dare to stand here and talk about him, you-"

"He loved me." Fay breathed. "He was my soul, my heart, my life. He was the father of my child, and you… you killed him. And you have the nerve to speak of him, as if you knew him, as if you respected him?" Fay felt the words burning on her lips, her face was distorted, tears were running down her cheeks but she hardly noticed. "You didn't know him! You have no idea of the things he liked, the things he found funny, the things he was scared of. You know nothing of the love he felt! You have no idea-"

She had to stop, to breathe, to be able to continue. "He respected your intelligence, and saw something of himself in you - but you… you took the friendship he offered, and threw it to his face with your lies. You murdered him!"

Light was breathing heavy, his chest was heaving. He looked like a caged wild animal, and for once he didn't say a thing.

"Admit it!" Fay shouted, tears making her voice thick. "Admit, that you are Kira, and responsible for not just killing L, but for all the murders!"

But he didn't. He glanced around, as if trying to find an escape route, a way out of all this. Slowly, as if his feet were made of lead, Aizawa walked to him, laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It's too late. Just moments ago you said 'I win.' That's as good a confession as any."

"Light…" Matsuda's silent voice, not much more than a gasp. "Why…?"

And it was as if all strength had left his muscles. He fell down, to his knees on the floor, Light's deception beating him to the ground.

Light didn't pay any attention to Matsuda, to the fact that he had just shattered his world to pieces. Instead he reacted to Aizawa's grip on his shoulder, recoiled as if it burned him.

"S-stop it! S-stop!"

He rushed away from Aizawa, threw himself towards the door, but it was closed, and he lost balance, fell to the floor. Like an animal, he crawled on all fours, managed to get back to his feet, leaning heavily on the wall. His eyes were wild, he was panting.

"Light Yagami… L… Kira…" Near said. "You lose."

A silence. Nears soft voice carried effortlessly on the warehouse, and even L, who stood far away in the corner, tilted his head, clearly listening to him.

"You claimed your victory a moment ago, and to tell you the truth, you might actually have won… and I might have lost."

Light's eyes snapped back to Near's and they didn't leave his piercing gaze for several minutes as Near, step by step went through every detail of the plan that had beaten Light. How they had found out about the real notebook in the safe deposit box. How they had taken it, and prepared a copy, and how the real notebook was actually with Near at this exact moment.

Fay knew all this already, but it was enjoyable to watch how Light Yagami little by little crumbled to pieces in front of her. Near's clear voice, sharp as a knife, cut through the silence of the room, destroying Light, cutting all his lies and possible defenses to shrapnels.

Light's face was nothing but panic and terror, as Near represented the real Notebook, that had been hidden under his shirt all this time, and when he addressed to Ryuk, making it obvious that he could indeed see the shinigami, Fay was sure that Light would finally confess.

But he didn't.

He stared at Near, wide-eyed, panting, droplets of sweat running down his face - and Fay could tell he was still looking for a way out.

 _There's no way out!_ Fay wanted to scream. _Can't you see? You can't beat Near. You might as well confess._

"Mello always said he was going to be number one, and that he was going to be better than me and L…" Near said. "...but I always knew that I would never be able to surpass L. It could be, that I lack the action, and he lacked the calm. And even though we couldn't surpass the one we admired on our own, together we can stand with L. Together we can surpass L."

There was a short silence, Fay's heart was in her throat.

She turned her eyes to L, to his vast saucer eyes and again felt drawn to the darkness they promised. He tilted his head, glanced at Near, and there was a soft smile on his lips. Fay felt like choking - that look was so familiar, she loved it so much, and she knew exactly what was going through L's mind, could almost hear his thoughts.

 _Well done, Near. You have indeed surpassed me._

"We are facing Kira, whom L could find no proof against, the very Kira whom L was defeated by. Facing Kira with solid evidence before his very eyes!" Near paused, his eyes narrowed. In his fingers were still the small puppets of L, him and Mello, now forgotten as he locked eyes with Light. "Let's see you talk your way out of this one."

A choked groan left Light's throat. He brought his hands to his hair, fell down on his knees, brought down by Near's words, by his resolution, that could have leveled mountains.

Everyone was staring at Light now. At his crouching form on the floor, his tense, trembling shoulders. He was visibly shaking, and at first Fay didn't understand why. That sound… was he crying?

And then it hit her - Light was laughing.

The eerie, hollow laughter that echoed in the warehouse, chilled Fay's blood.

"That's right." Light stated, loud and clear. He pushed himself back up to his feet, and turned to look at Near - and Fay. "I am Kira."

Light's eyes narrowed, an arrogant smile crooked his lips and he raised his hands like a God in front of puny people, his insignificant minions.

"So, now… what?" he asked. "Are you going to kill me right here?"

No one answered. Fay glanced at Near, but he didn't turn to meet her eyes. They had argued about this the day before, and Fay still thought Near was wrong. They should kill Light. They should shoot him where he stood, and watch him bleed to death. That was the only way to ensure their own safety, and the safety of the whole world. Light was way too dangerous to be kept alive - he would no doubt find a way out of a cell, and continue killing people, if they didn't bring this to an end today.

But Near said nothing, he just leaned forward, his eyes still fixated on Lights, and let him go on.

"I'm Kira. And… the God of this new world!"

"You're not a god!" Fay snapped, making everyone's eyes turn on her. "You, Light Yagami, are nothing but a murderer. You have the nerve to call yourself a god, to raise yourself above us all. As if your moral judgement was somehow better than anyone else's. But that's just delirious. You, Light, you are just a killer. Just a crazy mass murderer, and your judgement on others is plain wrong. You are not holier than the rest of us. You are not better. You see yourself as this godlike figure of superior intelligence, but the truth is, you are not that unique."

She paused to take a breath, to glance at L, who was now looking at her again, his eyes big and dark as the night.

"There are people far more intelligent than you are, people with so much more heart and courage than you could ever have."

 _Near. Mello. Matt._

 _Lawliet._

That thought broke her heart, and the pain of his loss was on her again, like a blanket of suffering. It took her breath away, and her eyes teared up.

"Do you really think that I care of your words?" Light sneered. "Of your insignificant opinion? The truth is, that this world yearns a leader. The lost people are in need of someone to guide them to the right path, someone to make this world a better place for the good and decent people to live in. From the moment the notebook fell to my hands, I knew I had to do it… no, I knew I was the only one capable of doing it!"

He was breathing hard, he turned his burning eyes to Near, and then back to Fay.

"Just think about it. Had this book fallen on your hands, the hands of Near…or even the hands of Ryuzaki... would they have used it in the benefit of this world? In order to better it, to bring upon it, a new era of peace and justice?! You know they wouldn't have! _You know,_ I am the only one who can keep on bringing justice to people, to make this a new world, a better place for all to live in!"

"You can say what you want, but that doesn't make it right! You're nothing but an arrogant piece of shit!" Fay spat out. "And yeah, you're damn right - L would _never_ have used the book as you have. And you know why? You know why, Light?"

She waited, but Light didn't answer, just bore his flaming eyes to hers, his anger making the air sizzle like electric current.

"Because he had a heart." she breathed. "Because he was _good_. And he loved this world, just the way it was, even when people treated him badly, he _loved_. And that's something you will never be capable of."

A silence followed her outburst, a silence so deep that Fay could hear her own heartbeat, the pounding in her ears.

But Light's obnoxious smile was a mask on his face, impermeable and hard like marble. He sneered, and turned his back to Fay, spread his arms like wings on his sides and began walking away from them.

"Love, that's a pretty word, but it will not make this world any better." he said. "It will not improve people's life as my act's have done-"

He crossed his arms, in front of him, and there was a silent 'click'.

Fay frowned. That sound… what the Hell-?

"He's got a note hidden on him!" Commander Rester's voice boomed in the room, and Fay's heart stopped.

Her eyes were instantly on L.

So, she would die, after all. She would die here.

The darkness in L's eyes was as endless as the space, and it called to Fay, it made her want to fall. It made her want to reach out her hand to him, to close her eyes and let her heart stop.

But a gunshot echoed in the room, before Fay had even time blink.

She gasped, her heart jumped.

The pen flew from Light's fingers in a splash of red liquid.

Blood - red as rubies, glimmering and dark as death, dripped from Light's fingertips, as he swirled around, his wild eyes searching for the one who had pulled the trigger.

"Matsuda…?!" he cried out. "You idiot! Who do you think you're shooting, Matsuda?! Damn you…!"

Matsuda's legs were shaking, but his hands that kept the gun were steady. He was breathing heavy, droplets of sweat dripping down his forehead.

"If you're going to shoot someone, shoot the others!" Light raged on. "What do you think you're doing?! I thought you were the only person who understood me. Kira is righteous! Kira is needed! Shoot! Shoot Near, shoot Fay, the SPK members. Aizawa and the others!"

His words were like ugly creatures that crawled their way out of his mouth. Twisted word demons, tainted with hatred and fear and death.

Matsuda was crying. Tears fell from his eyes to his cheeks, rivers of tears that made his shoulders shake and his voice thick and heavy.

"Wh-what was it all for? The chie- no, Deputy Director… Deputy Director Yagami… he was your father… What did he die for?"

"Dad? Are you talking about Soichiro Yagami?" Light was panting, blood dripping from his fingers. "That's right, Matsuda. Overly earnest people with a strong sense of justice like him always end up the loser. Do you want a world where people like him are always made fools of?!"

"You drove your father to his death. And now you're trying to change the subject by telling me that he was made a fool…" Matsuda managed.

It was clear that just talking about Chief Yagami's death was hard for him, he didn't even try to stop the tears that ran down his face.

Light grimaced, showing his teeth like a wolf.

"A society, a world where people like my father will never have to be made into fools… Soichiro Yagami died to create that. I'm telling you to kill the others so that his death was not in vain! Can't you understand me?!"

The gun in Matsuda's hands was steady, even if his legs were shaking.

It would've been so easy for him to turn around, to empty his gun on them. No one would have had time to react, to stop him. Matsuda was an excellent shot - he could kill them all if he wished to.

But Fay knew Light's pleads were in vain.

She knew, Matsuda and L had one thing in common, and that was love. They both had a heart, they both were capable of loving instead of hating, loving others more than they loved themselves.

Fay knew Matsuda would _never_ turn his gun on her, no matter what Light said. Matsuda was the man, who _always_ did the right thing in the end, no matter how hard it was. And that was the reason she loved him.

 _I love him._

That realization hit Fay harder than a wrecking ball, it was a punch to her gut and she went short of breath.

 _I love him, and I wish to God I live to tell him that._

Plip… plip… plip…

The sound of blood droplets falling to the floor, brought Fay back to the moment. Light's breathing was heavy, raspy and uneven. He was crouching over his hands, over something-

"He's using his blood!" Aizawa's voice broke the silence, and Fay drew her gun - but it was too late.

Matsuda was already shooting. A shot after shot after shot echoed in the hall, the sound of the gun ripped the air, covering the desperate cry that left his lips.

Bullets pierced Light's chest, he flew backwards and fell to the floor. Blood burst from the holes, staining his shirt and his suit.

"I've got to kill him! This guy has got to die!"

"Matsuda, no! Don't do it-!" Aizawa, Ide and Mogi rushed to stop him, but Fay was already running, and in a few heartbeats she was by Matsuda's side. She threw herself at him, grabbed his arm and yanked it to the side.

"Matsu, no! Don't-"

The shot meant for Light's face, hit the floor and Fay's ears exploded.

Matsuda's breaths were uneven, raspy sounds in his throat, something Fay hardly heard through her ringing ears. She wrapped her arms around him, pressed her shivering body tight against his, her cheek on his chest.

"No…!" He panted. "No…! I have to-"

"Please, don't…!" Fay breathed. "Don't kill him!"

There was no way she would let Light's death taint Matsuda's heart!

And then the strong, firm hands of Aizawa, Ide and Mogi were on Matsuda, taking the gun from him, holding him back.

But Fay didn't let go of him, not even when his legs gave in, and sobbing he fell to the floor, his knees meeting the hard floor with a thump. Fay knelt with him, holding him in her arms, pulling him near. Her hands kept him together, in the world that was falling to pieces around him. She held Matsuda in her arms, cradled him like a child. He was shaking with sobs, his tears soaked the shoulder of her dress - and suddenly she was reminded of the day he had held her like this, in front of the subway station, when she had wept for L.

"Hush, baby." Fay breathed, and ran her fingers through Matsuda's hair. "I'm right here. It's going to be alright. I'm right here..."

Little by little his sobs calmed down, his breathing steadied. But it was as if he didn't even notice the room around them, he didn't even react when Fay wiped the tears off his cheeks with her hands.

On the floor, just a few feet away, Light Yagami was bleeding to death.

Fay turned to look, leaning her head on Matsuda's shoulder, her fingers entwined his.

Light was crawling on the floor like an animal. The blood of his gun wounds had stained his clothes, the floor, his face. His raspy breaths and the gurgling sounds he made, told Fay he didn't have many minutes left.

 _So, this is what it feels like. Revenge._

But it wasn't at all like Fay had thought it would be.

She wasn't happy to see Light die. She wasn't gratified, nor did she feel satisfaction.

If something, she felt empty and numb. This was something she had dreamt of, for such a long time, something she had wanted so much it had been like an ache in the marrow of her bones, but now that it was happening… she felt hollow.

Light Yagami was dying. But that was the way with all life. They would all find themself in Light's place sooner or later, one way or another. For what was life, but waiting of death?

And Light's death would not bring L back.

With breathtaking clarity, Fay realized, Light's death would not bring her peace.

"Mogi, Ide. Help me to arrest Kira, Light Yagami, the mass murderer." Aizawa's words cut through Fay's thoughts.

Mogi and Ide stepped closer, but Light reacted by groaning, trying to flee by crawling on the floor. He was panting, there were tears of pain on his white face.

"Stop it!" he cried out. "Don't come near me! M-Misa… Where's Misa?! Misa, Kill them. Kill these guys-"

"Misa Amane is at the Teito Hotel right now." Near stated silently.

"Hotel?! What is that idiot doing at a time like this? Takada… where's Takada…? Kill them… Write their names down…"

Fay couldn't turn her eyes off Light, and even if Matsuda was still numbly staring at the floor, he winced when hearing Light's words.

"Takada is dead. You killed her yourself." Fay stated, but if Light heard her, he didn't show it. He just kept trying to crawl away, leaving a trail of blood on the floor tiles. She didn't know if it was a coincidence, but Light was slowly making his way to the exact corner where L was.

Slowly Fay forced herself to her feet, forced herself to let go of Matsuda's hand. Her legs felt like lead, when she walked towards Light.

"Light, give up already." she said. "Just give up. You will bleed to death, if you don't stop this."

"No…! No! K-kill them. So- somebody kill them for me!"

"No one's going to do your killing any more." Fay stated. "It's over. You lost. If anyone dies here today, it is you, Light. Not us."

"He cannot hear you anymore." L's voice startled Fay. "He is half gone already, seeing through the vail to the other side."

Fay looked at L, not caring if someone noticed. Suddenly there were tears in her eyes, and she felt them in her throat, the hated taste of iron and salt on her lips.

"Will you… will you go with him?" she breathed.

"Yes." L stated silently. "I will."

So, he hadn't come here to take her. He had come for Light. To see his death, to take him, not her.

That thought filled Fay's heart with both relief and fear.

"Does that mean… that I'll never see you again?" she asked. "That you will be… really gone?"

"I do not know, Fay. But it is something I have to do." A short pause. He turned his eyes off Light, to meet Fay's, their blackness almost sweeping her off her feet. "Do not be scared, Felicity."

She didn't know what he meant by that, and she couldn't ask. The words had left her, like birds they had flown away and left her empty.

In silence, she watched as L took a few steps closer to Light, and sat down on the floor, crouching in his typical position. He tilted his head, so that the black strands of his hair fell to the side, and for the first time Fay realized he was slightly transparent. She could see through him, the tiled floor behind his back visible through his white shirt.

And for the first time, she wasn't the only one who could see him.

"Ry-ryuzaki…?!" Light groaned. "You… you… you died-"

"Yes, Light-kun." he replied silently. "I died. And now it is time for you to die too."

"No! No, this can't be…" another groan of pain. His words blurred together. "I won't die! I refuse to-"

"No one can help you now, Light." L stated softly. "You have brought this to yourself."

"P-please Ryuk!" Light turned his eyes to the shinigami, raised his hand to reach up to his grinning face. "I know! Ryuk, you can write the names down… Write their names down into your notebook."

"He will not do that." L said. "Am I not right, Mr. Ruyk?"

"Yeah, you're right." the shinigami chuckled. "I'll write one name, though."

"Which name?" Fay asked.

"His." L said. "Light-kun's."

A sound, half groan, half wail, left Light's throat. He tried to reach out to Ryuk, but couldn't lift his body up. There was so much blood on the floor, that the sticky smell of it, made Fay nauseous.

"Ruyk, come on!" Light gurgled. "Kill Ry-ryuzaki… kill him! Kill him already, k-kill them… all…"

In silence Fay watched as the shinigami scribbled something down in his book. The rest of the people in the room were bewildered, they couldn't see L, and they didn't know what Ryuk was writing, but Fay knew. And so did Light. His face went even paler, and he made a choking sound.

"You… stop it!" he tried to grab the book from Ryuk's grasp, but just fell to the floor through the shinigami.

"I was kind of expecting to see you get out of this one, but if I'm your last resort… you really are done for. You've eased my boredom for quite a long time, haven't you? It was a lot of fun."

And he turned the notebook around, to show what he had written.

 _Light Yagami._

At the sight of those words on paper, Light lost all his dignity.

"A-am I going to die?! I'm going to die! N...N...No… I don't want to die!"

Fay tasted anger and iron on her lips, her legs were trembling of chained emotion.

"You think any of your victims wanted to die, huh?" she breathed. "You think Naomi Misora wanted to die? Or Kiyomi Takada? Or Mello? Or… or Ryuzaki? You selfish piece of shit, you… you never thought about them at all, did you? You never even…."

But Fay's words didn't reach Light anymore. They were nothing but wind and dust, and Light had ears and eyes only for the other side, now.

Only for Ryuk, to whom he cried and pleaded, and for Ryuzaki.

"I don't want to die! Damn it! Stop it! I don't want to die!" he was spitting blood to the floor now, and still resisting to give up. "Ryuk, do something! I know there's a way out of it, Ryuk!"

"You sound so undignified. It's not like you, Light." the shinigami stated. "I told you in the very beginning that I would be the one writing your name in the notebook when you die."

"No! No, damn it, no, I-"

Ryuk's eyes were like endless pits, deep and terrifying. He leaned closer to Light, his face nothing but shadows and nightmares, and Fay felt his low voice in her bones, as he replied.

"Once a name is written down in the death note, you can't do anything about it. You, more than anybody else here, should know that."

"No, I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I don't want to die-!"

Fay had lost count. How many seconds had passed?

20 or 30?

How many seconds more, till-

She blinked, to drive away the tears - but there was no way to drive away the lump in her throat, the arrow point in her heart.

Light was grabbing Ryuk's legs, trying to force him to save him, in desperate search for a salvation. But none came.

L reached his hand, laid it gently on Light's shoulder, and suddenly there was silence.

"Let us go, Light-kun." L said. "It is time."

* * *

 **P.S.**

 **This chapter goes to my BEST FRIEND, who just did her doctoral thesis defense! (Incredible! I'm soooo proud!) My 'Kat', my 'Skylar', my 'Eliza', the Jerk to my Bitch - Congratulations! You thought me how to write fanfic, and for that I'm ever grateful. Let's never stop doing that, even if you're writing something much more scientific now. :D**


	54. Hero

**Wow, finally FFnet is working again, and I get to update my fic! I was so frustrated yesterday, when the page was down every time I tried.**

 **Anyways, here we go! Kira is dead, but a few things remain to be told. Thank you soooo much for the reviews on the latest chapter, I'm so happy to hear that you liked my version of Light's death. If you enjoy this chapter too, please let me know.**

* * *

 **January 28th, 2010**

All his life, Matsuda had had to listen others call him an idiot.

In the school he had always been the class clown - mainly unintentionally. And the teachers, oh man, there had been not a day, without some of them ordering him to the shame corner, or worse. His fingers still remembered the slaps the teachers had given them with their sharp, wooden rulers.

"Mr. Matsuda, get serious!" the teachers had raged "What are you? An idiot?"

Well, school was bad for most people. But really, he had thought it would get easier as he grew up. No such luck, though. Even in the task force, he had always been the one others never took seriously, the one everyone treated like a kid.

The idiot.

He'd been called that so many times, that sometimes it felt like his middle name. But in his heart, in his ever optimistic nature, he had never truly believed he was stupid.

Not before this day.

Not before he had been forced to swallow the bitter truth, that the man he had held in the highest regard, the man he had thought was his best friend - was actually Kira.

 _Idiot._

 _Idiot! You stupid, stupid, stupid ass!_

He was sitting in the armchair of his small, one room apartment. He couldn't really remember how he had gotten there, but it involved Fay taking his hand and walking him out of the warehouse - and then a car, probably a Taxi.

But he didn't care, not really.

He didn't care about anything, except for the fact that he was so stupid he deserved to die. And the fact, that he had aimed the gun at his best friend, and-

 _No, no, no, no, no, don't think about that!_

Too late. The memory was back on him instantly, and he winced, feeling the bullets pierce his own chest. The pain was excruciating, it crushed his lungs so that he could hardly breath.

The sound of the gunshot that ripped his ears, the recoil of his pistol - a sharp kick on his hands and arms. The yell that left his throat, unwanted, unplanned - the primitive, raw cry that hurt all the way out.

Light fell backwards to the floor. Blood burst of his wounds, blood on the floor, on Light's face, on his clothes… and on Matsuda's hands.

He knew his hands would never be clean again. Not ever. No matter how many times he washed them, they still would be soaked in sticky, warm blood.

"Drink this."

Fay's voice made Matsuda startle. He looked up, just to see her standing in front of him, offering him a glass with some transparent liquid.

"No, thanks… I'm not thirsty."

Fay rolled her eyes.

"It's not for thirst. Just drink it." she paused for a second. "Believe me, I've been where you are."

Matsuda glanced at the glass, and then the bottle in Fay's other hand. Apparently she had found the sake in his fridge.

"Fine." he gave in, took the glass and emptied it in one gulp. It wasn't until now, that he realized, his hands were still shaking.

 _Damn these bloodied hands. Damn my stupid nerves. Damn everything!_

He tasted tears and alcohol and sorrow, and he hated it all so much it made him want to burst. The sake burnt on his lips and all the way down, and he hated that too - but he felt the effects almost immediately.

He turned his eyes at Fay, raised his glass.

"More."

"Sure thing, hon." Fay replied, and filled his glass again.

It took a couple more refills, before the unbearable pain that was eating him alive, began to turn into a dull ache, that was somehow manageable.

He let out a long sigh, leaned back in his chair.

Fay was still standing in front of him, but Matsuda could hardly bring himself to look at her. She was so beautiful, her flaming red hair a cloud around her pale face, her eyes deep wells of green water, and he knew he didn't deserve her.

"Why are you here?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"Come on! Where else would I be?"

"I don't know. With Near, I guess? Celebrating his victory. Or alone - I mean, with L-"

"Lawliet?" Fay's voice was suddenly weak, a breathless sigh.

"Yeah. You saw him in the warehouse, didn't you? I mean, I heard you talking-"

"Just… just don't." Fay gasped, turned her eyes off his. "Lawliet is… He is… I think he's really gone now."

Fay's voice got caught in her throat, her eyes teared up, and immediately Matsuda regretted saying anything.

 _Idiot. Idiot! Ruining the one good thing in your miserable life by being_ _ **this**_ _stupid?_

"Oh." he breathed. "Oh, I didn't-"

"And I don't want to talk about it, alright? I don't… I can't-" Fay was blinking furiously, apparently not to cry, which made Matsuda feel even worse.

He really hated it, when girls cried. Especially if it was his fault. And when was it ever not?

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…."

"It's fine." Fay said, even if it was clear that it wasn't fine, and brought the bottle to her lips. She took a long swig, and when she had finished, Matsuda raised his glass again too.

Fay made a face.

"More?"

"More."

"Ah." she sighed. "Aren't we a pair."

"You didn't answer my question, though."

"Oh. Which question?"

"Why are you here? With me, now that-"

"But I did answer. Seriously, Matsu, where else would I want to be?"

Matsuda shrugged. The sake was beginning to make his thoughts slippery, the tension in his muscles slowly diminished.

"Anywhere, I guess. You know, they were right, all of them. Ryuzaki, Aizawa, everyone. I _am_ an idiot."

Fay took a sip of the bottle - emptying it, then shook her head.

"You are not. I never thought you were, you know."

But that made him feel even worse.

"Come on Fay! Of all the people who were in that room, I was the _only one_ who hadn't realized, that… that Light was Kira. _Everyone else knew!_ Even Aizawa and Ide… and you know why they didn't tell me, huh? You know why?! Because they knew I am an idiot, that I am so stupid, that I never would have believe them."

"Hey, it's not that." Fay said, and tossed away the now empty bottle. She climbed to sit on his lap, her thighs both sides of his hips. Gently she took his face into her hands, forcing him to look her in the eye.

"Matsu… It's not that you are stupid. It is the fact that you are more loyal than anyone else. You _believed_ in Light. You have this way of seeing the good in people, you trust people… and I adore that in you. Gods, I wish I could be more like you, and less like myself! I was raised up to trust no one, and that's a shitty thing to do to a kid. You have faith in people, and it sure as Hell doesn't make you stupid!"

"But I can't help thinking... Had I believed you… had I believed you and Ryuzaki five years ago, I- I…"

He had to pause, to bit his lip not to cry.

After all, he knew this was all his fault, and nothing Fay could say would make it any better.

"It's just… I can't stop thinking about how many lives were lost, because of my stupidity."

Fay's eyes were suddenly very serious, deep and dark as the night. Her hands were gently caressing him, her fingers running through his hair, and her subtle scent of roses, strawberries and sake filled Matsuda's nostrils.

"Listen to me now, very carefully, Touta." it was the first time she used his first name, and hearing her say it made his heart skip a beat. " _Kira_ killed all those people. _Light_ killed them, and it is _not_ your fault. You did the right thing in the end. You were the only one who could do it. If it wasn't for you, Near would be dead now, and with him all would have been lost. Without him… Light still could have found a way to defeat us. It was you, who saved us all."

But her words only brought back the moment he tried hard to push to the furthest corner of his mind. The moment the bullets had hit Light.

The moment he had shouted: " _I have to kill him! This guy has got to die!"_

And he would have. He would've scattered Light's brain all over the floor, had Fay not stopped him. Just the thought of that made him nauseous now.

His hands were shaking, as he raised them, to see the blood he felt was there, but that was not visible to the eye.

"You're praising me for the most horrible thing I've ever done. I shot him. I shot Light. Gods, I shot my friend! What kind of a man does that kind of a thing—"

Fay took his shaking hands into her owns, entwined their fingers.

"He wasn't your friend, not really. He lured you there to kill you, to kill me, to kill all of us. What you did, saved our lives."

"I know. I know, It's just that it still—"

"It still hurts. I know."

Her voice was nothing but a faint whisper, but still it reached every corner of his fractured soul. He felt his heart breaking, breaking for Light, for the brilliant young who had so much potential, the man he had seen grow up, the friend, the colleague, the member and then the leader of their task force, the man Matsuda had trusted with his life.

The man who had ended up bleeding to death, on the cold floor of an abandoned warehouse.

Matsuda knew, it didn't make any difference, that it had been Ryuk to write Light's name in the book.

He knew, it was him, who had really killed Light, and that was something he would mourn, for the rest of his days.

There were tears in his eyes, a lump in his throat, and his heart was broken glass inside his chest.

"Yeah." he managed. "It hurts."

"You know, that's exactly why I love you."

Her words sent an electric shock through his heart.

"I'm sorry… I… what did you say? You… you-?

"I love you. And I will love you forever, for what you did today, Touta Matsuda."

"I-"

But he couldn't finish his sentence, for Fay kissed him. She buried her fingers into his hair, her lips found his and her tongue entered his mouth.

The kiss was raw, deep and desperate and it left Matsuda breathless. She tasted of sake and tears, her lips were greedy and hungry on his, her slender body pressed tight against his chest - and for a moment he forgot everything else but the way she made him feel.

His hands found her tiny waist, the small of her back, and as he answered the kiss, he pulled her closer.

Her scent made his heart pound in his chest.

Her curves under his touch were so soft, so feminine, and he wanted nothing more than to rip off her clothes, that dress and whatever there was under it, to feel her bare skin on his hands.

When she finally broke the kiss, they were both panting.

Fay's cheeks were rosy, her pupils dilated, and her chest was heaving against his.

"Fay, I-"

"Use my real name. Call me Felicity."

"I love you, Felicity." he breathed, his hands still caressing her back, his face so close to hers, that he tasted the sake off the air she exhaled.

"I know." she replied, and for the first time today, there was a small smile on her lips. "You saved me, in more ways than you can ever know, Touta. And that's why I love you too."

"Gods, can you just keep saying that, like on repeat?"

"What, that I love you?"

"Yeah, that."

He slid his hands to her thighs, under the hem of her dress, and under his palms he felt the edges of her hold ups. Damn, that was a turn on! The bare skin of her upper thighs was so incredibly soft and silky, it called to him on a primitive way, and he couldn't help a low moan.

That made Fay chuckle softly.

"You know-" she breathed, bringing her face near to his ear, placing a small kiss on his neck. "-I could, but I really think we should stop talking."

"Oh. I can shut up."

"Is that a promise?"

But the only answer he gave her was a sharp gasp, that left his lips when Fay's lips moved to the base of his neck and kissed him, hard, so that he knew there would be a mark.

His hands were on her backside now, on her sweet, round ass, and he dug his fingers to the softness of her skin, pulling her tight against his body. Her weight was on him, her crotch pressing against him on the best way, sending waves of pleasure through his core. He felt his erection hardening, agonized in the pressure of his pants.

Maybe it was the sake.

Maybe it was the way Fay's scent filled the air he breathed.

Or maybe it was the fact that he had almost died, or the fact that he had killed. It _had_ brought an adrenaline rush to his system

But whatever the reason, Matsuda suddenly felt an overwhelming need rushing through his veins, tightening all his muscles, spreading the heat of his belly to every cell of body.

He was alive, and so was Fay. They had goddamned survived, against all odds, they were the ones who got to live. If that wasn't a turn on, he didn't know what was.

His hands were shaking of passion, as he grabbed her, his breath got caught to his throat, raspy and hot. She tasted of alcohol and need, and she was so slender in his arms, so light, she weighed close to nothing, and it all made his brain boil, so that he could practically hear the steam rising from his ears. Goddamned, he wanted to fuck her, so that she would scream and she would come, again and again and again, all night long, so hard, that she couldn't walk for a week.

He moaned, as Fay's fingers moved to his shoulders, to his chest, her lips still kissing and nibbling the sensitive skin just over his shirt collar.

Her hips were moving, she had began to rock them against him, and he gripped hard on her buttocks, his hips answering her sways. He knew she could feel his erection, pressing rock hard against her crotch - but damn the clothes that were between them! He wanted to rip off everything they were wearing, and clearly she wanted the same, for her fingers had found his tie, pulled it off, and were now opening the buttons of his shirt.

"I want you-" Fay breathed. "I want you so much…!"

"You have no idea-" he panted. "-the things I want to do to you-!"

He could hardly speak.

His shirt was open now, and Fay's fingers were on the waistband of his pants, they found the belt and opened it swiftly, and then pulled down the zipper.

"Oh, Heaven's, I-"

But his words were lost, as Fay kissed him again, her tongue finding his. A primitive, low growl left his throat, into her mouth, as he felt her cool, slender fingers inside his pants, in his underwear, gripping his cock.

He felt like he would come instantly.

He had to break the kiss, bite his lip, take a few deep, deep breaths, to be able to concentrate.

But damn, her hand on his aching manhood felt better than anything! The way her fingers slid on him, was madly arousing. There was just the right amount of pressure, her grip on him was soft but firm, the way she spread the slickness of his precum to his whole length… Matsuda couldn't help but to moan.

"Ahhh, sweet Heaven, that's-"

"Good?"

"Perfect, damn, I-"

"Shut up. You talk too much!." Fay ordered, and he did - if groaning out loud didn't count as speaking.

His hands were trembling as they found her panties, and pulled them to the side. Christ, she was wet already, the lace of her panties soaked! A new wave of need hit Matsuda so hard, he almost lost it.

He fought the urge to throw her to the floor and enter her right away, fuck her senseless - but damn, it was hard to keep calm! Her sensitive, slick folds were so inviting, so soft, and she reacted instantly, as he laid his fingers on her, gasped and tensed, as he slowly began to caress her sweetest spots.

"Oh… oh… oh!" Fay was panting now, the soft breaths that left her lips were more like moans, her hips began to press back to his hand, and he entered a few fingers into her swollen heat.

Oh, that felt so good - her slick insides, just waiting for him to-

 _Oh, fuck, If I don't get inside of her now, I'll die!_

 _Damn, where are my condoms? Did I remember to buy new ones?I didn't think I'd need them today-_

"Nnn… no, stop it!" Fay managed, and pulled back.

Surprised, Matsuda did as he was told.

"Oh, what did I do? I'm sorry-"

"I don't want it like that. I want you inside of me, really inside of me."

Fay's eyes were deep, they were full of wordless need and wanting, and the way she gripped his cock made him shut up. She shifted, closer to him, so that he felt her slickness on the head of his shaft.

A primitive need to grab her hips, to push upwards and sink into her sweet heat, almost overtook Matsuda's conscious mind - but he resisted.

"Ah… fuck, Felicity, I th- think I have condoms, in my desk drawer-"

But she lowered her weight on him, guided him in, and he lost the ability to speak.

Jesus Christ, it felt so good like this! His bare cock feeling every inch of her insides, the slickness, the heat, the friction. It felt so much better like this, without anything between them, it felt perfect, it felt divine.

"I want you inside of me, like this, like it's meant to be. I want to feel you, really feel you, all of you! I want you to make love to me, I want your cum inside of me." Fay breathed into his ear. "I want to have your baby, I want to be with you today, forever and always, because—" She paused to take a breath, "— because, Touta Matsuda, you are a hero."

He lost his cool completely, and forgot how to from words.

It sure wasn't everyday, that a beautiful girl asked him to come inside of her.

Or to impregnate her.

Or that he was called a hero.

Her lips were back on his, her tongue in his mouth, his hands on her hips, his cock deep inside of her core, and he could not resist her, not now, not ever. He succumbed to her wish, his hips answering her moves, he began to push in rhythm with her sways, deeper, deeper into her.

Who was he to argue, if she said she wanted him like this?

If she felt the yearning as bad as he did, if she knew, like he did, that what was between them, was indeed love.

It wasn't just that it felt so much better like this. It was so much more. This was a commitment, and feeling her like this, tight around his aching shaft, her shivering body clinging to his, Matsuda knew - if he made her pregnant tonight, if there was a baby, that child would be raised together.

"You… you sure about this?" he stammered. "I mean—"

"Yeah. I am." She breathed. "I love you."

Her soft fingers followed the line of his cheekbone, down to his neck, to his collarbones, and he felt her touch as fire in his veins.

Groaning, he pushed his cock deep inside of her. She gasped, her eyes went wide.

He couldn't have hold himself back now, had she asked him to.

The need in his core was a volcano, filled with fire and lava, and he knew, the only way to sooth it, was to have her.

He lifted her up, just to turn them around, so that she was the one sitting on the armchair, and he was kneeling on the floor between her thighs. With a few swift moves, he got rid of his shirt, pulled off her panties - and pushed back inside.

"Ah…! Damn, Matsu-!"

"Touta, my name is Touta… please, I wanna to hear you say my name."

"To- Touta, please, oh, please-"

His greedy hands were on her hips, he pulled her closer, her hips to the edge of the seat. She spread her pretty legs for him, the hold ups to her mid thigh looked incredibly awesome, and he took pleasure on seeing her like this, her dress still half on, raised to her waist, making her look somehow helpless, like she belonged to him, like she was here for him to have as he wished to.

She was so damn tiny in his hands, she was so tight around him, so hot, so perfect. Matsuda began to move, he pushed in hard, just the way he knew she liked it. She liked it rough, he had learnt already, and he didn't hold himself back now. The gasps and the moans that left her parted lips told him she was really liking what he was doing, the sways of his hips, the sharp thrust that made her whole body bounce.

He couldn't think of anything, anything but this moment. Her body answered his need, it opened to him, welcomed him in, accepted his every thrust, evey fast push.

"Oh… oh my God, Felicity, I-" He leaned closer, over her to kiss her, to taste the tears and the sake off her lips. "I… I can't hold on much longer-"

"Yes-" she breathed into his mouth. "Yeah…! Oh... yes baby, you can come-"

That was all it took.

Her words wiped out everything but the pleasure he felt, and groaning out loud he slammed his hips against her, his cock up to the hilt - and let go. He came into her, filling her with his cum, the orgasm so fierce it almost made him black out.

"A...aa...ah! Christ!" he collapsed on top of her. "Oh my God…!"

His heart was trying to beat itself out of his chest, deep inside of her, his cock was still throbbing.

Fay moaned softly, wrapped her legs around him as if reluctant to let him go. Matsuda felt her smile on his lips, when he reached to kiss her.

"Sweet. That was really nice, hero."

"Oh, I'm not finished yet." he replied, and pulled out of her.

He might have received his reward, but it really wasn't like him to leave a girl needy. As soon as his cock had slid out of her, he replaced it with his hand.

"Ah!" Fay made a surprised gasp. "Ah, Matsu, you don't need to-"

"I know. But I want to."

He wrapped his left arm around her body, pulled her up, against his chest, his right hand between them, finding her sweetest spots of pleasure. He pushed three fingers into her, deep into her slickness, while pressing his palm on her clit.

Fay made a high pitched moan.

"O… oh, dear God, oh… oh, yes, right there-"

"Like this?"

He added some pressure, and she squealed, the muscles of her legs cramped tight around him.

"Yes…! Please…! Please, please, just like that, I-"

"Tell me you love me." he groaned. "Tell me that you love me, Felicity…!"

He moved his hand faster, stretching her open with his fingers, time after time after time, until she was nothing but a shivering mess in his hands, all his for the taking. Just a few more gentle strokes on her clit, and-

"I love you!" she cried. "Ah…! Ah… ah, God's I love you so much!"

And with that she came. Her body arched, her legs trembled - Matsuda felt the tight tension of her insides suddenly melting into the sweet, primitive pulse.

His heart was filled with her words.

 _She loves me…? How can she love someone like me - an idiot, and a killer. Why would anyone love me now?_

He hadn't known, it was possible to be so full of happiness and sorrow at the same time. To live the worst moments of his life, and the best ones, on the very same day.

He wrapped his arms around Fay's shivering body, pulled her close and kissed her. Her ran his fingers through the mess of her red curls, she was tiny and she clang to him as if her life depended on it. Her heart was beating so fast inside of her chest, she tasted of salt, sex and heartache.

Suddenly he felt tears flooding his eyes.

He buried his face into her neck, buried his soul into hers, and cried.

* * *

 **A few hours later.**

The night was falling over Tokyo.

The ordinary people, rushing home from work, running to catch the train, having a beer with a friend in a pub, sitting on a dinner table with their family and loved ones - none of them had any idea of the ways the world had changed today.

Kira was gone.

What would it mean to the world? How long would it take, before the underworld found out what had happened, before crime rate was back up again, before people realized there was no God guiding them, protecting them anymore?

Would the world fall into the chaos Light had predicted, threatened, now that he was gone?

Matsuda didn't know. Hell, he didn't know a thing today.

Except, that Fay was lying naked in his bed, her hair a wild, fiery cloud on the pillow, her cheeks still red, her lips swollen - every inch of her beautiful body showing the fact that they had made love.

Three times.

He was exhausted, spent. The unbearable pain, regret, mourning, that had filled him from head to toe, had been turned into a dull ache - it wasn't an open wound anymore, but more like an old scar. He wasn't as naive to believe it was completely gone, though. He knew it would be back, whenever his mind wandered to Light, to the things that had happened today, and then it would feel like a sword through his heart.

But now he was in his bed, and Fay was by his side, just silently watching him, her green eyes dark and full of soft shadows.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, turning to face her.

"That you didn't shoot me." she sighed. "That Light told you to shoot me, shoot Near and me, and…. But you didn't."

"I didn't."

A short silence.

Yeah. It still felt like a sword through his heart. But if he'd had to live that moment again, he would still do the same.

"That's when I… when I realized, what I had to do." he confessed. "That moment. When he wanted you dead. I mean - what had you ever done to him? And for him to tell me to kill you-"

"Yeah."

They were both silent for a few heartbeats. Fay's eyes were so green it took his breath away, and he knew, he could never live without her.

"What's going to happen now?" he breathed, after a short silence. "Kira's gone. Near will leave soon, right? And you-"

"I will go home tomorrow."

Fay's reply was a punch though his broken heart, even if he had expected it. She had a daughter, after all. A daughter she hadn't seen in weeks.

"To England?" he asked. "That's where you live, right?"

"Yeah, Wammy's house."

"You live in Wammy's house?"

His surprise made Fay let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, I do. It's the only real home I've ever known." And then she grinned, her eyes shining. "Gods, I love this thing where I don't have to keep secrets from you!"

"Yeah, me too." Matsuda answered her smile. "So, what do you want to know about me?"

"Just one thing, hero." she breathed. "Are you coming home with me?"

His heart skipped a dozen or so beats. Suddenly he was drawn back to the memory of them standing in front of the subway station five years ago. Her eyes full of tears, she had asked him to go with her, to believe her and to leave Light Yagami behind.

He hadn't.

Now he knew, it had been the worst decision he had ever made.

"Yeah." he said. "Of course I am."


	55. Horizon

**Ah, the end is so near - only a couple of more chapters to go! I wish you're with me 'till the end, and please, please, review.**

* * *

 **January 30th, 2010**

Night sky was black velvet, smooth and dark, flawless.

Looking at it, made Fay feel like she was separated from the real world, in a bubble that was cut off from time and space. There was something soothing, something peaceful in a plane, cutting through the night sky like a ray of light, full of sleeping people and their dreams.

The flight from Tokyo to London had taken off at 1.55am, which guaranteed that most people fell asleep as soon as the dinner had been served - or even before - but Fay couldn't rest. The images of the past few days flickered in her closed eyelids, like a movie she didn't want to watch, and forced her to stay awake.

She wondered, if she was the only one not sleeping in the plane, in the small universe.

To find out, she glanced around. Most of the people were indeed asleep, with sleep masks on their faces, blankets wrapped around their legs. Some had kicked off their shoes, their feet sticking to the aisle so that the flight attendant had to watch where to step. Fay spotted a couple of people watching a movie, though, the small screens in the back of the seats illuminating their tired faces, the bags under their eyes, with bluish light. An old lady was reading a thick paperback a few rows back, and a young guy with wavy chestnut hair, was furiously playing a game with his portable console, which briefly but painfully reminded Fay of Matt.

 _Matt._

She hadn't really had time to mourn him, nor Mello. Not properly. She wondered where their bodies - or whatever was left of them - were, and made a mental note to ask Aizawa. He could find out what had happened to them. Those boys deserved to have a proper burial, a grave in the grove near Wammy's house.

That thought brought tears to Fay's eyes.

It had been a cold December morning, five years ago, that she and Roger had silently laid L's ashes to a grave. A simple tombstone stood there now, under an ancient oak tree. The wind had been so cold that day, it had chilled Fay's blood, or maybe it had been the sorrow, that had frozen her from inside out.

How many times she had sat there since, under that oak tree, listening the wind that made the leaves chime, the birds that sang on the canopy, as if they knew nothing of sorrow, of heartache, of loss?

The beautiful illusion of nature. For even the birds sang in despair, the leaves of the trees fell before the winter, and life was nothing but expectance of death, as Fay very well knew, seeing the seasons change on the site of L's grave.

Watari's tomb was there as well, as was A's, and even Beyond Birthday's. Soon Matt and Mello would rest there too.

 _So many dead. And for what? What was it all for?_

The grief was a black hole inside of her heart, making her feel she was sinking, being pulled into darkness.

 _I am so tired, tired of all this. I should rest there too. Sleep there, by L's side, for an eternity. Under the oak tree, in a bed of roots and leaves._

With a sigh, Fay turned to look at Matsuda by her side.

He was sleeping, his face was relaxed, the line of his jaw softened. Finally, he slept. He had stayed awake throughout last night, haunted by the things he had done. Not even Fay's presence, sake and sex, had been enough to ground him. Now that Fay silently observed his features, she suddenly realized how little there was left of the innocent, light hearted young detective she had met five years ago. He seemed to have aged ten years in two days, and for the first time Fay noticed there were subtle lines around his eyes.

But seeing him there, by her side, was the beacon in her darkness.

She couldn't really believe it yet.

That he had actually asked for a two week leave of his work, starting immediately, and that it had been granted for him. Sure, it was just two weeks, but still. He hadn't hesitated, not even for a heartbeat, when Fay had asked him to come home with her. She knew they'd find a way to make this work somehow.

After all - she wasn't stupid enough to throw away love when it found her. Especially love this unearned, this unexpected.

Fay leaned back in her seat, turned to look the other way - and yelped.

"Jesus!" she cursed. "What the-"

"Hardly him." L said. "I was under the impression that my name was still Lawliet."

There he was, sitting on the empty seat between Fay and the aisle, holding his knees close to his chest.

Fay wanted to snap back at him, to call him an ass for making such a stupid joke, but she couldn't. There were suddenly tears in her eyes, and they fell to her cheeks before she had time to say a thing.

"Oh." L said. "Oh. Please, Felicity, do not cry. I am sorry if I scared you."

"You're always sorry for something nowadays." Fay sobbed, wiping her face. "It took you years to say, that you were sorry, when you still lived, but now… all I hear is apologies."

L blinked a few times. The look in his huge panda-eyes was confused, but there was so much love it took Fay's breath away.

"I thought… I thought I'd never see you again-" she continued "-after... after… what happened in the warehouse. I thought you were really gone."

"Ah. Me too. But it seems, I there is something I still have to do."

"And what's that?"

"I didn't get to say goodbye."

L's voice was nothing but a faint whisper, it was almost lost in the background noises. There was a lump of ice in Fay's throat, and it was so hard to speak, so hard to do anything but to stare at L's eyes, that were as black as the night outside, and just as full of stars.

"So… that's why you're here? Is this the goodbye?"

"Yes. This is it. We are at the horizon."

Fay felt her heart breaking into atoms.

"I hate goodbyes, you know?" she managed. "I always did."

"I know. But not all of us can just walk away in the rain, and leave everything behind." He paused, brought his thin fingers to his lips, and Fay noticed they were slightly shaking. "Listen to me now, Fay, please, I... I have something I need to tell you. Something I have kept from you. It is burdensome for me, to leave behind unfinished business."

"That's what this is? Us? An unfinished business?"

"Is it not?" L's lips curved into a sad smile. "Not that I ever wanted to finish it."

"Then let's not finish it." she replied. "You can stay with me, right? You can do it, if I refuse to let go of you, or if you really want to be here… can you not? You don't really need to leave-"

"I do. I am afraid, I do, Fay."

His dark saucer eyes softened, he raised his hand, as if to lay it on her cheek, but then let it fall back down, on his knee, and suddenly Fay realized he was a bit more transparent than he had been, he flickered in the air as a mirage, as hot air over a campfire.

"Then…" Fay felt panicking. She tasted steel on her lips. "Then I'll come with you. You took Light there, right? You can do the same with me. Just… I think I have some meds in my purse, some sedatives, I can take them right now. Or I can go to the bathroom, and I don't know, drown myself in the sink, or slit my wrists, or… shit, you can help me to figure out something?!"

The softness in L's eyes melted into an ocean of darkness. He silently shook his head, the black strnads of his hair falling to his forehead.

"No. Never."

"What do you mean no? Don't you want for me to-"

"Fay. It was I, who took the USB Flash drive from your purse."

It took a few heartbeats, before Fay realized what he was talking about.

"The… the one you told me to guard with my life?" she gasped. "Why would you-?"

And then she realized why.

Of course. It was so much like him, to do something like that. To protect her, even against her own will.

"You asshole." Fay gasped. "I hate you."

"Yes, Felicity. I know you do."

"How could you do that?!" she asked, her voice trembling. "I had the gun in my hand. I was ready, I was ready to join you, I didn't have to stay here alone-"

"By that time, I knew the chances of my survival were less than 50%. I knew Light would make his move against me, and that it could very well lead into my death. And as we were in a relationship, it had become to my knowledge how deeply you cared for me-"

"-I still do."

"-and I anticipated that you would want to… harm yourself if the worst came to be. So I had to prepare for that, for my death. I had to make a plan B, that would ensure your survival." He paused, as if to take a breath, even if he didn't really need to do that. "You see, Fay, I knew you would honor the promise you gave to me, of getting the information to Wammy's house. So I did the logical thing, and took the USB flash drive, to make sure you would save yourself, in order to save the information that was only stored in your brain."

Fay's lungs were full of broken glass.

She felt fractured, out of place.

So, it had been been just a trick. Their date in the Asakusa that night. The whole scene of him taking her hand over the table, giving her the USB drive, telling her to guard it with her life. She could still feel his long, cool fingers, gently touching her hand. Just a trick. Just a scheme. She had been played, and for what?

"I only did it to protect you." L stated silently. "I kept hearing the bells, and I wanted you to be safe. And that is why I cannot… help you with what you asked. You see, it was my last wish to see you live. It still is, my last wish."

Fay felt like she was falling. Her head was light, she was dizzy, it felt like she was in deep water, diving, without knowing where the surface was.

L's eyes were dark, and they bore through her soul.

The moment of selfishness passed, like a vail, and suddenly Fay broke through the surface, filled her lungs with air. The sickening feeling of freefall was gone.

She glanced at Matsuda, who was sleeping peacefully by her side, unknown to the fact that Fay had just been about to walk to the bathroom to kill herself. To leave him, to fail him. His black hair fell to his eyes soft, undisciplined, and Fay remembered how it felt when she ran her fingers through it.

A small girl, on the seat in front of Fay, made a soft sound in her sleep, and her mother instantly answered, soothed the child back to the dream.

 _Lily. My God, Lily!_

The memory of her daughter's scent, green grass and fresh air, the feeling of her soft cheek against her own, her tiny body in her arms, filled Fay's heart with light, and the dark cloud of despair melted away.

She turned her eyes back at L, who was so close, Fay should've been able to breathe in his scent, to feel his warmth in the air, hear his heartbeat. But none of those things were there, none of them existed anymore, they only lived in her memories, and she realized, he was right.

She had been clinging on for too long.

"I'm sorry." she whispered. "I'll live. I'll take care of our daughter. I'll be… strong, for you."

"I don't need you to be strong. I only need for you to be happy."

 _Happiness, what is that?_

It was perhaps her daughter's smile, when she was flying through the air in her swing set. It was the memory of Lily's hand in her own, when she had taken her first steps, looked up to her, and laughed, the sound of her laughter like windchime in the east wind.

"Speaking of that… Can I ask you something?"

L gave a small, sharp nod.

"Did you happen to have something to do with me getting pregnant too?" Fay asked. "I mean, I was on the pill. It wasn't supposed to be possible for me, to get pregnant like that. Was it like your plan C, to knock me up, to keep me alive?"

"Felicity, do you seriously believe that I would have tampered with your pills?"

Fay raised an eyebrow.

"Well, did you?"

"No, Felicity, I didn't." L's voice was as serious as his eyes, dark and soothing. "Lily's existence is a miracle. Maybe you can call it fate."

"I thought you didn't believe in fate."

"I didn't. But I did not believe in love either."

Fay's eyes teared up again.

The horizon, L had said. Fay glanced at the window. It was still night, but she could see the subtle glow of the rising sun, changing the color of the sky, from pitch black to the darkest of blues, with a hint of purple.

She felt the same change in her heart.

The horizon.

There was a new day behind it, a new hope, a new tomorrow. Something she had never wanted for herself, but now could feel in her bones.

Fay turned back to L, knowing what she should say, but what she couldn't get out. She had always sucked at saying goodbye.

"I don't want you to go." she breathed. "I still don't."

"I know." L said. "But I must. There is someone who needs you."

"Oh?" Fay gasped, and a realization, a memory hit through her. She brought her hands to her belly. "What!? Not again—!"

"I do not know about that, but there is someone who needs you now." L gave a smile, tilted his head. "It's time to wake up."

"No-!"

"Wake up, Felicity."

And just like that, she was spinning, falling out of the dream. Gasping, tasting tears, she woke up. Her eyes snapped open.

The seat by her was empty. L was gone.

 _It was just a dream. Just a dream._

"No…" she breathed. "No, Lawliet….!"

And then a sound, a muffled cry that cut through her foggy thoughts.

Fay turned around. Matsuda was crying in his sleep, tears running down his face, he was panting.

A nightmare.

"Hey… hey, wake up!" Fay grabbed his shoulders, gently but firmly. "Wake up, it's okay, you're safe!"

"Ah!" he startled, woke up with a yelp. "Fe- Felicity…?"

"Yeah, baby, it's fine. It's okay - it was just a dream." She ran her fingers through his hair, pulled the moistened strands of black hair to the side.

"I… I was at the warehouse." Matsuda breathed, his eyes were still wild, haunted, even if he had stopped shaking. "I… oh, God, I shot Light. It wasn't just a dream, was it?"

"This time it was." she said, snuggled closer to him, took his hands into hers.

His scent of cedarwood and cypress surrounded her, and laying her head on his chest, she heard how his heartbeat little by little calmed down.

"Sometimes a dream is just a dream." she said. "Nothing more."

In the horizon, the first rays of the sun painted the sky with gold.


	56. North Star

**This is it, the final chapter. The epilogue, if you wish.**

* * *

It was a cold, February morning in Winchester, England. The leafless trees stood black against the clearing sky, their long, bare branches like skeletal fingers. Still, there was s sense of early spring in the air. The scent of the moist grass, the sounds of the awakening birds on the trees - it had an air of something new, something being reborn. The first rays of the rising sun that were now barely able to illuminate this grey landscape, would grow in strength by the day, they would soon have the capacity to change this scenery, to wake the seeds that were still dormant in the soil, call upon the new, fresh grass and the thousands of flowers that would turn this hill into a sea of colors and life, in just a few months.

L knew that, of course.

He had spent majority of his life in this place, in the old, silent, unchangeable manor that stood on the hill, his home, his prison. Wammy's house.

He had watched the seasons change, for many years. He knew that the grey of this morning was a passing moment. That there would be summer, the hills and meadows would turn into a different world, full of life, flowers and all kinds of little creatures, bees, butterflies, caterpillars, and birds that fed on them.

Not that he had ever cared of those kinds of things. He had preferred to stay inside, behind closed curtains, in the dark. Solving crimes no one else could solve, mysteries that only he could see through, only he was capable of finding the answer to.

But Fay had loved the scent of the fresh grass on the first days of summer.

She had loved to run free amongst the flowers, screaming and laughing out loud so that her voice carried through the meadows, over the hills, into the groves - so that every one in Wammy's house heard her joy, every bird within ten miles panicked and flew away.

And because Fay had loved it, L had loved it too.

He brushed off the memory of summer, returned to this grey February morning, and started walking down the hill towards the grove, following the family that had just stepped out of the iron gates of Wammy's house.

The small girl, with a huge amount of undisciplined black hair, was running, and laughing as she went.

"Lily, wait!" Fay commanded. "Don't go too far!"

"I won't!"

"I mean it! Stay close!"

But the girl had already ran down the hill, the wind in her hair, her sneakers in mud and dew. Fay frowned, and turned to look at the man walking by her side.

"I swear, she's a force of nature and not a girl." she rolled her eyes. "I'm almost wishing I was still in Japan."

"Hah!" Matsuda gave a laugh. "She's a cutie. And she's so much like you!"

"Really? It's funny to hear you say that. When I look at her, all I see, is her father."

That made Matsuda's face go serious again. L observed, how he turned to look at Fay, how his cheeks blushed as he took her hand.

"She's inherited the best of you both." he said. "And I think she's amazing."

Fay didn't reply anything to that, but L knew she agreed. She loved Lily, more than she had ever loved anything, including him. Fay's love for their daughter was as constant as the North Star, as fierce as the ocean.

In silence, L watched how Fay and Matsuda's fingers entwined. How Fay leaned closer to him, needing his warmth in the chilly February wind.

L wasn't sad, nor jealous.

It was as if those feelings had lost their meaning to him, like they had never existed at all. He only felt peace, quietude surrounding him like light, like wind, like time - passing through him as a steady stream. He felt the narrow thread that had tied him to this world, weakening and breaking, and let that peace settle into his soul.

It was time.

"Goodbye." He breathed into the wind.

Fay turned her head, looked up, as if she had heard him, but her gaze glided past him as if he wasn't even there.

"What is it?" Matsuda asked, following her glance.

Fay frowned. "Nothing, I guess. I thought I heard…"

But she didn't see him, didn't even notice the shadow he cast in the bright light of the rising sun.

"Mom!" Lily's voice echoed in the clear air. "Look at me, no hands!"

She had climbed into a tree, hanging upside down from a thick branch. Fay's attention was instantly in the girl, the moment of confusion passed.

"Christ, Lily, be careful! Don't you dare to fall down!" Fay took a few running steps to reach the oak, turned her gaze to Lily, who was swinging on the branch like a little monkey.

"I won't Mom! I never fall!"

"You'd better not." Fay frowned, then turned her eyes back at Matsuda. "You see, what I meant? A force of nature. You sure you want to raise her with me?"

"I'm sure." Matsuda smiled. "And I wish we have at least three more, all as wild as she is."

"What? Are you crazy? Were you like that as a kid too?"

"Were you?"

"I guess."

"Hah! I bet I was worse! You know, our kids are going to be great - I can hardly wait."

Matsuda grinned, and pulled Fay close. He placed a kiss on the top of her head, wrapped an arm around her slender form.

L felt a small smile on his lips watching that scene. He knew, finally, that Fay and Lily would be alright.

He turned his face to the sun, let the rays of light travel through him.

A heartbeat later, only the dew glimmered in the grass where he had stood.

* * *

 **Writing 'More than just cake' has been an incredible journey for me. This has become my most popular fic ever, and I have truly enjoyed this experience, being able to share my thoughts and feelings about writing this, with you guys. I say this again, a writer is nothing without his/her readers. You are the ones that made this story possible, and for that I wish to thank each and every one of you.**

 **A very special thanks goes to** **ManawaSasa, JacksonR'sGirl, NotDeadYet16, Shutupbeaver, namesareplaceholders, clac234, Teddy Bear Mooney, ShirleyMallery, CrazyCause, TigerInTheMoonlight, Saffronellen, JorneyB, nirvanaluvr24 and philosofox, who have been kind enough to repeatedly review this story, and whose support has been invaluable for me. I wish you all the best, a lot of love and happiness in your lives!**


	57. Part 2: Space Monster

**Holy moly, I am back! More than a year since I wrote the epilogue to this fic, and here I am now, with a new chapter.**

 **Many of you asked for a sequel or some omakes, and I wasn't ready for that at the time. But just the other day I was in a bus, and this happened. I could not stop myself from writing this scene, and here we are now. A new chapter to 'More than just cake'.**

 **I'm still not sure what this is about, is this going to be a full on sequel, or somethin shorter, but in case you want to read more, you know what to do - review!**

* * *

Fay was sitting on the floor.

Sometimes she felt like she had spent her whole life on the floor - at least the most memorable moments of her life - and how sad was that?

She could still remember the roughness of the carpet on the skin of her bare knees, under the dining room table of Wammy's house, when she had been six years old. When she had been scared and alone, and L had found her.

And the floor of L's room. A carpet there too, but a softer one. It was never cold there, not even in the winter, when they sat there side by side, watching the blue screen of his computer in silence that did not need filling.

She had also been on the floor, when L had first told him he loved her. After he had fucked her on the cold, hard floor of her hotel room in Tokyo, and he had come inside of her (maybe that had been the time he had impregnated her and they had created the miracle that was Lily?), he had told her he loved her, and Fay would always remember how she had felt on that instant.

But if she kept thinking about the floors of her life, she always ended up on the freezing, tiled floor of the room where world had ended. On the floor, where a pack of Lotte Cookies had fallen from her bag of groceries, on the floor where she had hid under a desk, on the fucking, most horrible floor of this goddamned world, where L had fallen from his chair and laid still, so unbearably, heartbreakingly still, and Fay had felt her heart breaking.

Five years later, and the memory was still a punch in her gut, and made her nauseous.

She inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to regain her cool.

 _I'm not there anymore. A different country, a different house, a different floor. See, there is a carpet here, and all._

She shifted on her knees, trying to find a better position, trying to shake off the memory that still lingered on her shoulders. Lily, on the other hand, seemed unaffected by the fact they were crouching on the floor. The four-year-old firecracker was drawing a colourful picture of a space monster with crayons. Not that Fay would have known the multicoloured mess on the paper was a space monster, had Lily not told her.

Fay had arrived at Wammy's some six of hours before, and was stiff after the 12 hour flight, still jet lagged as hell, but she couldn't - she would not - go to bed yet. She had missed Lily too much to sleep now, even if it was way past Lily's bedtime.

Besides, there was something she really needed to tell Lily tonight. She had put it off for hours already.

"I'm gonna add some tentacles." Lily said, bringing Fay back to the moment. "Look, Mom."

"Okay." Fay replied. "Tentacles. Cool."

"It is a space monster. They have a looot of tentacles!"

"That's a really awesome space monster." Fay noted, leaning closer. "Are those the teeth?" she pointed to sharp jigsaws that sticked out of the coloured mess.

"Uh-huh. You think it needs more?"

Lily looked at her, with her huge, green eyes, and Fay's heart melted. Hell, she would never leave Lily again, not ever. Lily and her crazy-ass space monsters were all she needed to get by!

"Honey, there are never too many teeth." she said. "It's a monster, aint it?"

"Yes!" Lily giggled. "I'll draw some more."

Fay gave her a smile, and bent to give a kiss on top of her head.

"Lily." she said, while her daughter was busy drawing more teeth to a monster. "There is someone I'd like for you to meet."

"Who?"

"Just someone, who came here with me from Japan."

"Oh." Lily said, and stopped colouring. She looked up, frowning. "Why?"

"Well. I guess he came with me, because he wanted to."

Lily didn't say anything to that, but she put her crayon down and sat up. Her face was suddenly serious, and Fay felt bad for ruining the moment. But Hell, she had asked for Matsuda to stay hidden in his room for the whole fricking evening, so she could spend time with her daughter alone. It was time to ask him to join them, before he would start growing mold.

She pulled her phone from her pocket, and sent a text: _At the living room. Come here._

"I don't like it." Lily said. "I want to be with you. Alone."

"Sweetie." Fay said, placing a hand on Lily's shoulder. "This is not going to change that, okay? You are my number one, no one else."

"You promise?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die." Fay said. "Mother's oath."

Lily smiled at that, but her smile quickly disappeared as the door opened, and Matsuda stepped in.

He was wearing a pair of tight fitting, dark blue pants and a collared shirt, but no tie or jacket. His face was pale, his eyes huge and he looked so cute it took Fay's breath away. Damn, it had been just yesterday that she had let herself admit she was in love with him, and here they were now, in another fucking country and she was introducing him to her daughter.

Maybe things were moving too fast - but then again, Fay couldn't have cared less. Matsuda had left everything to be with her, and that was all that mattered. To Hell with the rest.

"Hi." Matsuda said, suddenly sounding shy and nervous. "You must be Lily. My name is Touta."

Lily was pouting. She looked at Matsuda, her whole four-year-old frame stiffening with mistrust.

"You look weird." she said. "I don't like you."

"Lily, manners!" Fay squealed. "That's no way to talk to someone. Besides, he does not look weird."

"He does. He looks _Asian_."

Fay gave a sigh and rolled her eyes.

"That's a good look, Lily. I might remind you that you are also ⅛ japanese, from your father's side."

"Still."

There was an awkward silence, and making a face Lily picked up her crayon and continued colouring the monster's teeth - now with red, that was apparently blood. Fay hoped it wasn't Matsuda's blood, though. Trying to stay positive, she gestured to him, asking him to join them on the floor, and Matsuda, clearly uncertain and nervous, took a seat next to Fay.

"Lily, this is my friend." Fay said. "His name is Touta Matsuda. I want you to say hi to him."

But Lily did no such thing. She glanced at Matsuda, but continued colouring.

"A friend?"

"Yeah. Is that so strange?"

"Yes!" Lily stated firmly. "You don't have any friends. Except for me."

"Well, you are still my best friend, sweetie. But Touta is my friend too, and he's going to be staying with us for a while."

"For how long?"

"I don't know exactly. We'll see."

Lily squinted, gave an icy, narrowed glare at Matsuda, who seemed nervous enough already. Fay noticed how his cheeks were burning, and there were a couple of sweat droplets on his forehead. She couldn't blame him, really, and suddenly a fear that he would bolt and flee, hit her like a wrecking ball.

Why would he stay, when it was clear that Lily didn't want him here?

Why would that gorgeous young man want a tired and broken single mom with a shitload of baggage?

But Matsuda glanced at Fay, as if sensing her fear, and gave her a reassuring smile. His eyes were kind, and warm, the kind of eyes that made you believe anything was possible.

Even love, for someone like her.

They were all silent for a few moments, and Fay gave Lily time to think, time to adjust, not trying to rush things. After all, Lily was her everything - and if it came to that, she'd ask Matsuda to leave. It would totally break her heart, but she would do it, if she had to.

"Where are you gonna sleep?" Lily asked then, out of the sudden, turning her glance back to Matsuda. "'Cause, I'm sleeping with Mommy."

Matsuda blushed, and made a nervous laugh. "Sure, sure! I'll sleep in the next room. Don't worry!"

"Okay." Lily replied. "I guess you can stay then. Are you gonna be my friend too?"

And something melted in Matsuda, softened in him.

"Hey, if you let me." he replied.

"Depends. Do you like space?"

"Sorry, what—?"

"'Cause I like it, a _lot_. That's why I am drawing a space monster. See? I'm going to be an astronaut. Or a princess. Or a detective, those are cool too. Do you know that my dad was the best detective in the world? He was better than Sherlock Holmes."

"Yeah, I knew." Matsuda said. "And Yes, I like space too, I guess. Who wouldn't?"

Fay didn't even realize she had stopped breathing, in the suspense of listening Lily and Matsuda's exchange of words. Only now, she could draw in a breath. This was fine, things were going to be okay.

She wouldn't have to see Matsuda go.

"So, what are you?" Lily asked, now apparently actually interested on this new person that was sitting on the floor next to her.

"I am… well, I am a police, or a detective. Kind of."

"As good as my dad?"

Matsuda laughed at that. "Not nearly! I could never be as good as he was, no one could. Except for maybe Near."

Lily shrugged, but seemed to agree. "Near is my friend." she said simply. "He's good in detecting too. What are you good at?"

Matsuda glanced at Fay, suddenly serious, hesitant, and Fay realized he didn't know what to say. Damn, that man wasn't used to complimenting himself! Fay could easily come up with a list of things he was excellent at - though some of them weren't really okay to tell to a four-year-old.

Instead, she said the first thing that popped into her mind.

"He's a walking encyclopedia of TV shows and pop culture."

"Nah." Lily replied. "I don't really like those things."

"Well, he is also an excellent shot." Fay said. "Maybe he can teach you."

"Nice!" Lily grinned and turned her eyes back to Matsuda, momentarily interested in him. "I want to learn that. Daddy was good at that too, and so is Mommy. But she says I am too small to shoot."

"You are growing, sweetie. Soon you can start to practice." Fay said, with a half hearted smile.

 _The things I do, to get my daughter to accept my boyfriend, Geez._

But the truth was, that Lily was growing. And even with Kira gone, this world was a scary place to live in. No harm in teaching Lily how to defend herself - besides, Fay hadn't been that much older when she had started practicing herself.

"Yay! You'll teach me?" Lily asked from Matsuda, blinking her huge panda eyes, and suddenly Fay noticed that talking about shooting had erased the smile of Matsuda's lips. There was pain and sorrow in his beautiful, dark eyes, and Fay cursed in her mind.

 _Of course, I am an idiot! If he never wants to touch a gun again, no one can blame him._

But Matsuda shook off the sadness and forced himself to smile again.

"It's a deal." He said to Lily, offering his hand. "I'll teach you, as soon as your Mom says it's alright by her."

Lily glowed, she took Matsuda's hand, her own tiny one buried in it, and shook on it giggling. Her smile lit up the room, and once again Fay was painfully reminded of how much Lily resembled L. His smile had lit up her world too, and the wound was still fresh in her heart.

L, sitting by her side in the plane, not 24 hours ago, his eyes deep and dark as space itself, and Fay remembered how she had been ready to throw away everything, just to be with him, _everything_ \- even Lily.

That memory still hurt, made her ashamed. She didn't deserve Lily. She could hardly be called a mother at all.

But Lily climbed to her lap, and pressed her head on her shoulder - a cue to Fay, that she was beginning to feel tired - hid her face in Fay's hair, and she melted. She wrapped her arms around Lily's tiny form, around her slender shoulders and inhaled her scent - green grass, fresh air, crayons and cotton.

"I missed you." she breathed. "I missed you more than anything."

"Me too, Mom."

"Are you tired? It's been a long day."

"No… not yet!"

Lily yawned, rubbed her face against Fay's shoulder like a cub, and it stirred Fay's maternal instincts. She felt her love for Lily in her bones, in her bloodstream as a glow, like there was a sun inside of her chest. It was a constant fire, it was never ending and fierce.

"Sweetie, it's past 10pm and you have school tomorrow. Time for bed."

" _Only,_ if you let me sleep in yours."

"Sure. Come on, let's go."

She stood up, lifting Lily in her arms. She weighed close to nothing, she had always been tiny for her age, but she clung to her fiercely like a baby monkey clings to her mother's fur.

Over Lily's head, Fay met Matsuda's eyes.

"I'll put her to bed." She said in japanese. "Wait for me here?"

Matsuda gave a nod, and a smile - one that Fay felt in her knees.

"You need help?" he asked, standing up too, but Fay shook her head.

"No, it's fine. I'm used to this single Mom shit."

She turned her back at Matsuda, who began to organize the crayons back in their case, and started to walk towards her and Lily's rooms. Lily was now all tired and limp against her shoulder, her face still hidden in her hair.

"Was that Japanese?" Lily muttered. "I wanna learn that too."

"And you will." Fay promised. "But not tonight."

* * *

 **Oh, and go and check my other Death Note fic, 'Distractions'! It has Matt & Mello, and I totally love them too.**


	58. Part 2: Too Sexy for my Shirt

**so, I've gotten so many readers these past few days! Thank you so much, to each and every one of you. I guess this fic still is worth reading/writing.**

 **Still - no one is reviewing these days, I don't know why. :( I would really appreciate your thoughts and comments. A story does not exist unless someone reads it, and a writer does not exist without any feedback. At least not me.**

* * *

Some 30 minutes later Fay returned to the small living area, where Matsuda was dozing off on a large, comfy leather couch. He looked very young, boyish even, his undisciplined black hair falling to his forehead, to his eyes, his features soft and relaxed. No one would have guessed he was 30 already, and briefly Fay wondered if it was going to be like that always. That he would look young and gorgeous forever, while she would get old and worn and wrinkled?

 _Girl, you're 27. Already worried about getting old?_

Fay pushed away that thought, into the same box where she stored all the things she didn't want to dwell on. Her own, personal Pandora's box, where all kinds of messed up shit was neatly folded, just waiting to break free if she ever let her guard down.

For a moment Fay just stood there in the doorway, watching Matsuda sleep - just as she had watched L so many times before, in her other lifetime. But Matsuda wasn't L, and Fay knew he'd never be. Perhaps that was the exact reason she had fallen for him? That he was so different from L, that it didn't threaten to burst open the box of 'things too painful to deal with', in her mind. Matsuda was safe. He was kind. And he was beautiful to look at, now that the house was silent, like time itself had stopped. Fay wished she could have stayed there forever, leaning on the doorframe just watching him sleep.

 _What's wrong with you - staring at guys while they are sleeping? Creep. Freud would say you have a reversed Sleeping Beauty syndrome._

Rolling her eyes at her inner voice, Fay walked to the couch and gently placed a hand on Matsuda's shoulder.

"Hey, sleepyhead. Time to go to bed."

Matsuda opened his eyes, looked straight into her, and once again Fay fell into those dark, espresso eyes and the smile that was always hiding in them.

"I wasn't sleeping." Matsuda replied, but yawned and stretched anyways.

"Wouldn't blame you if you were." Fay said, taking a seat on the couch by his side. "Aren't you jetlagged?"

"I took a nap in the afternoon, while you were with Lily."

"Oh, okay. Makes sense. Wise move."

Fay fell silent. She was so tired that her bones ached, but that wasn't all. Being back home, being back in Wammy's house, had been in many ways a lot harder than she had thought. It was near to impossible to avoid all the memories here - they were practically everywhere, lurking in the shadows, just waiting to attack her.

"Hey, are you okay?" Matsuda's question startled Fay. Damn him for being so observant!

 _Just afraid that you'll leave me._

 _Afraid that I've ruined Lily's life by first abandoning her for weeks and then dragging a guy into her life like this._

 _Afraid that I don't fucking deserve to be a mom, or that I don't deserve you and your love for me._

 _Missing my ex-boyfriend's ghost so much that I can't breath._

"I'm fine." she said, making the wise decision not to talk about all that deep shit in this state of mind. "Just, you know. Tired."

"Is Lily sleeping? You want to join her?"

"Yeah, she's asleep. But I just want to sit here, with you for a while. If that's okay. I need… I just need a moment."

"Yeah, of course."

"So, how do you feel about things, now?" Fay turned her glance to Matsuda. "Now that you've seen me with Lily."

"I think that you are totally hot as a mom."

"Shut up." but she couldn't help a laugh. "I'm not! I look like shit - I'm so jetlagged that my head's gonna roll off my shoulders."

"Well, I couldn't tell." he simply said, and pulled her closer. "You look beautiful."

"Seriously, Matsu. I need to know. Are things still… the same between us? Now that you've seen Lily? Now that you've seen how things are with her, that she is, and will always be, my number one?"

"Hey, I'll sleep on the floor of the lobby if I need to!" Matsuda laughed. "I get it. She needs you, and I think you need her too. Of course she's your number one - she's your daughter."

"Not just mine, though."

That made Matsuda momentarily serious, and something sad shifted in his dark coffee eyes.

"Yeah, I know. But... " he hesitated. "Do you think… do you think Ryuzaki-"

"Lawliet." Fay corrected.

"-Lawliet. Do you think he would approve? I mean, me - being in Lily's life?"

That thought was suddenly a spear through Fay's heart, and she almost broke into tears.

 _Fuck, I'm too tired. I'm too tired to have this kind of a conversation._ _Why did I even start this?_

She shook her head, to drive away the image of L sitting by her side in the plane. Not that she managed, though. With breathtaking clarity, Fay remembered his face, his eyes, how in the dark they had been endless ponds, full of unknown stars and galaxies.

 _We are at the horizon,_ he had said, and in any other time, Fay would've made fun of him for speaking like a Vorlon. But not this time. Not then, for she had known what he had meant, and that truth had shattered her soul.

That this was a new day. That she was going to cross the horizon into a place, into a future where he couldn't follow her.

"Well, it's not like we can ask him." Fay stated finally. "But I think that he would be fine with it."

"Really? He always said I was an idiot."

"He also said you are a good man. I know he wished I'd hook up with you when he was… gone."

Matsuda was silent for a while, his scent surrounded Fay, and made her feel safe, even if her heart was still aching. She was happy, so happy that they were here. That against all odds, she had lived, and so had he. That she was back in Wammy's, back with Lily, back in this place she had become to call home - and so afraid she'd lose it all, that it felt like an iron band digging into the muscle of her heart.

"Come 'here." Matsuda said, and his arms were around her. She didn't need to be persuaded - the peace she felt within his embrace, called to her. Fay climbed to his lap, her thighs both sides of his, his hands moved to her waist, pulled her closer, and a sigh left her lips to his.

"I love you." Matsuda said. "I probably don't have all the answers, being an idiot and all, and I don't know how things are going to work out, but…"

"Yeah?"

"But I know they will. Because we are together."

"You're too good for me." she simply said, because it was true. "I'm not a good person, I'm really not."

"Yeah, well, neither am I."

"Oh, I dare to disagree." Fay said, and kissed him.

 _Christ, I want him - I want him so bad!_

Even this tired, this jetlagged, kissing Matsuda, went straight to her gut, straight to her bloodstream and Fay could tell it worked both ways. His mouth pressed on hers, her lips opened and his tongue entered to find hers, and in seconds she was out of breath and high headed. The scent of Matsuda's aftershave filled her senses, the way his hands found the small of her back, pulled her closer, made Fay's heart try to escape through her sternum.

 _Why does he want to be with me? Why does he love me?_

 _He's fucking too good to me, and I know it._

 _If I really loved him, I wouldn't have asked him to follow me here._

But the way he was kissing her pushed these thoughts little by little to the back of her mind, into the box she was determined to keep shut, and she felt melting in his arms.

"Christ, I want you so bad…!" he breathed into the kiss, and sure, she felt the hard bulge in his pants, pressing against her inner thigh now. "Are you too tired to-"

"Hell, no." Fay breathed. "I'm never too tired to fuck."

That earned a small laugh from him, and he kissed her again, this time even deeper, in a way that left them both breathless.

"Your room." Fay managed. "And let's be quick - before Lily wakes up and starts to wonder where I am."

"Quick, huh?" he grinned. "I can do that."

"You know that's not a great sales pitch?" Fay laughed, making him blush.

"I meant- I mean-"

"I know what you meant, hun. Just let's get to it already."

She stood up, and taking his hand, she led him to the small bedroom nearby. It was a simple one, there was hardly anything but a bed and a desk, but Matsuda had assured that was all he needed. It was on the other side of the living area than Fay and Lily's room, but they were all in the same building, a small separate house near to Wammy's. Some teachers had lived there, and some guests from time to time, but the past few years the only permanent inhabitants had been Fay and Lily.

As soon as they reached Matsuda's room, Fay locked the door and pulled Matsuda back into her arms. His lips were on hers instantly, and he pushed her against the wall with a thud, pinning her between his lean chest and the wall, making a gasp escape from her lips.

"Easy, hun." she breathed, breaking the kiss. "We need to keep quiet."

"Quiet and quick?" Matsuda laughed hoarsely. "I'm trying."

His lips were hungry on the skin of her neck, his hands urgently peeling up the hem of her hoodie, and she let him pull it off, let his hands find her boobs, to remove her bra and caress the skin of her bare back.

Her own fingers were busy opening his belt, the button and the zipper of his pants, and when she found the way to his underwear, he groaned and tensed in a way that made Fay let out a low chuckle.

"So, you think I'm hot, huh?" she breathed to his ear, easing her hand into his underpants, gripping his dick, that was already rock hard and hot under her touch.

"Unngh- oh, yes. I totally do-"

"Yeah?" Fay gripped him harder, began to pump him, and a low wail escaped Matsuda's lips, his hot breath fell on the bare skin of her shoulder.

"Yes, God, yes-"

It was such a turn on to hear the need in his words, to feel it in the way he shivered under her touch.

 _I'm not a good person, I'm really not._

That's what she had said to him, and it was true. There were so many things she was incapable of being for him, incapable of giving to him, that sometimes Fay wondered if she had been born like that - with something wrong in her brain, in her soul, or if it was just the way life had twisted her. But there was one thing she knew she rocked at, and that was sex.

She had possessed the gift to drive guys mad with lust, since the age of fifteen. It had been a handy tool, growing up in an orphanage full of young boys - but later on Fay had begun to realize it was a good thing in a relationship as well.

Even if she was a major pain in the ass, even if she was selfish and mean and damaged, even if her 'box of things better kept hidden' got too full of deep secrets to manage, even if Matsuda grew bored and tired of her single mom shit, there would always be the way he melted under her touch, the way his breath got caught in his throat when he moaned her name.

Fay knew it was the ace on her sleeve, and tonight she wanted play hard.

She knelt on the floor before Matsuda, and giving him a lustful look through her lashes, slowly, making sure she didn't break the eye contact, she took his cock into her mouth, sucking it all the way to her throat.

"Oh my God-!" Matsuda barely managed to speak. "Fuck, that's- that feels so-"

He tasted of salt and musk and soap and she loved it. She loved to feel him on her tongue, getting even harder, as she began to suck him.

"Fuck, Fay-!" Matsuda cursed out loud, his voice all hoarse and husky.

"Felicity." she said, as she pulled her head back and Matsuda's dick slid out of her mouth. "My name is Felicity."

"Felicity-" he rasped. "Jesus, I love you-!"

She chuckled to that. He wasn't even christian, and already he was calling her Jesus. But instead of making some wise-ass comment about that, she decided to concentrate on the task at hand (pun intended). Taking a firm grip of Matsuda's thick, super hard cock, she began to pump it, all the while sucking it into her mouth, letting it sink between her wet, slick lips into the soft heat, deep, deeper, until it was hitting her throat and she felt like choking.

Matsuda's fingers were gripping hard on her hair, and he was breathing shallow, his chest heaving. Fay could tell he was fighting hard, not to moan out loud, not to come, and it was such a turn on that it went straight to her gut, making her shiver too.

"Fe- Felicity-!" he managed. "If you… if you keep that on, I'll-"

Another deep suck, and he growled, a low, throaty sound that was madly arousing. But he gripped her hair hard, and pulled her head back so that his member popped out of her mouth.

"I'll- I'll fucking come, and this'll be over faster than you hoped for!"

Fay gave him a sinful grin, but admitted that he had a point. If she was going to get him inside of her, she'd have to at least slow down a bit.

"Oh, I'd rather have you come fucking, than 'fucking come'." she admitted, but nevertheless gave a slow, leisurely lick on his cock, circled it's head with the tip of her tongue before letting go of it.

The second she did so, Matsuda scooped her up to his arms, and threw her down on the bed, making her yelp.

"Wow!" she laughed. "I'm trying to stay quiet here-!"

But his lips were already on hers, and he pressed her tight against the bed, his body on top of her. With some squirming and cursing they managed to get rid of the rest of their clothing, but didn't bother to get under the sheets.

His hands now demanding and rough on her, Matsuda pulled her legs apart, and without asking for permission, without saying a thing at all, buried himself in her and pushed inside.

"Oh-!" Fay made a sharp gasp. "Matsu-!"

He made a desperate groan.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't be sorry." Fay breathed into his ear, inhaling the scent of his sweat and aftershave. "I like it rough."

Her words made him growl, and kiss her hard. He forced her lips open and his tongue found hers, The way he took total control of the kiss was a super turn on. The wish to succumb to him, to succumb to his kiss, to let him have his way with her, filled her from head to toe.

"Christ, Felicity-!" Matsuda's voice got caught in his throat, his breathing was hard and Fay loved to see the red spots that were burning on his cheeks. The way his bare, tight abdomen pressed against her was madly arousing, his strong, lean arms around her, his fingers deep in her hair, they filled her heart the way his cock filled her insides, and she felt like she could start sobbing.

"Please-!" she managed. "Please, just fuck me-!"

"Yeah? You want that?"

He was panting now, and he had begun to move, sliding his cock slowly into her, again and again, into her slick heat that was like a void inside of her gut, an emptiness that could only be filled if he had her, if he took her like there was no tomorrow.

"I want you to fuck me so that I can't walk for a week-" Fay managed, her voice weird and thick in her throat.

Matsuda's only answer was a desperate moan as he gave her what she was asking for. His thrusts turned harder, more ruthless, faster and deeper. The way he kissed her neck was fervent, he sucked on her tender skin and Fay knew there would be a mark, but she couldn't have cared less. Her whole body gave into him, went soft and weak under his touch. His fingers in her hair, his lips on her neck, his breathing on her overheated skin, his narrow hips between her legs and the wonderful, rock hard cock that sliced her so, that she could've sworn it reached her heart, was more than she could take.

All the emotions she had bottled up during the day, came out and she was actually sobbing. Tears fell from her eyes to her cheeks, as she opened herself to Matsuda, opened her legs and her heart and let him have her completely, all of her. He brought his face up to kiss her, his lips hungry on hers - and tasted the tears.

"Fay-" he managed to rasp. "Are you… are you… okay?"

"You talk too much!" she breathed, pulling him closer, wrapping her legs around his hips. "Don't-! Don't you dare to stop fucking me."

But he slowed down nevertheless, even if Fay could tell it was hard for him now.

"You are crying." he said, his voice suddenly soft and smooth. He stopped, and brought his hand to her face, to wipe away the tears. "Why…? Why are you crying? Did I-"

"Hush." Fay placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. "I really need for you to stop talking now. Can you please do that for me? Can you please just shut up and fuck me?"

He made a throaty sound she could not interpret, but his cock was still super hard inside of her, and she could feel he was shivering under her touch as she glided her hands to his shoulders, to his neck.

"You sure?" he asked. "That's what you need?"

"Yes, that's what I need." Fay replied, and pulled him into a kiss. "Show me that you love me."

"I love you." he groaned, pressing her down on the mattress, pushing his dick deep inside of her, so that she moaned and cried, forgetting all about having to be quiet.

"To—, Touta—, Please, baby—!"

"I love you so much, oh God's-"

"Yes, oh-!" a wordless cry left her lips. "-oh please, oh God, oh, just like that, oh-"

And Matsuda gave her what she was begging for. He fucked her so hard, so deep that she lost her grip to reality, so hard she had to bite her hand not to scream, not to moan out loud, so hard that she couldn't help it, her body answered his moves in perfect rhythm, and she was lost in it, lost in the way he hit his hips against her aching crotch-

"Baby, OhmygodI'mgonna—!"

-and she came, so fiercely she almost blacked out, her mind shooting stars into her closed eyelids.

It took only a couple of almost violent thrusts more, and Matsuda joined her orgasm. With a throaty, dry growl, he released himself into her, so deep inside of her, that it hurt.

It took a moment for Fay to come to, to descend from the clouds he had sent her to. Matsuda was still on top of her, still between her trembling thighs and inside of her core she still felt him, as if he was reluctant to pull out of her.

She slid her hands to his shoulders, to his neck, and pulled him into a kiss - a slow and a gentle one this time.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his breath falling on her lips. "Did I… did I hurt you?"

Fay ran her fingers through his hair, felt the warmth of his body on hers, the scent of sweat and salt and his Armani aftershave on her, like a comfort blanket. The ache inside of her was sweet, a reminder of the way he had just taken her.

"Not more than I wanted to." she said truthfully.

"You were crying."

"I'm sorry." she breathed, stealing a small kiss from his lips. "I just got emotional, that's all."

He snuggled as close to her as possible, still reluctant to let his cock to slide out of her, and Fay didn't rush him. Their joining had eased her tiredness, her fears and her sorrows and she didn't want to let go of that just yet either.

"We didn't use a condom." he said then, silently.

"Yeah."

"Is that… still okay by you?"

Fay pondered on that for a couple of heartbeats. Sure, it would be madness to get pregnant now - by a guy she hardly knew, who on top of that lived on the other continent. But with painful clarity Fay remembered the Yellow Box Warehouse, meeting Matsuda's eyes at the countdown when she had feared none of them would get out of there alive. She remembered her pure desire to live, to love, to have more children, to see them grow up, to have it all and nothing less.

Screw what the world thought! Screw it, if this was madness! This was the first Damn thing that felt right to her, since L had died, and she wasn't going to throw it away!

"I know it's batshit crazy." she finally replied. "But Hell Yeah, I am okay with it."

"Good. Then I am too."

Matsuda smiled, brushed her lips with his, and there was such gentleness in the way he kissed her that it took her breath away.

"You are awesome." Fay said when breaking the kiss. "You know that? Why are you so awesome?"

"I'm really not awesome."

Something sad flashed in Matsuda's eyes when he said that, but Fay determinately took his face into her hands, and looked him straight in the eye. There was no way she would let anything sad enter this bed. Not now, not ever.

"You are." she said and meant every inch of it. "To me, you truly are."


	59. Part 2: I'm Batman

**Hello folks, and thank you my dear readers for the reviews I've gotten lately. You don't know how much they mean to me, seriously.**

 **Life's been hard lately. As the autumn draws near and days grow shorter, leaves fall from the trees and I have to search for scarves and hats to go outside, I always die a little - some years more, some years less. I am afraid of what is coming, and yet I am unable to stop myself from falling.**

 **Anyhow, I managed to write a short chapter for you. I hope you like it. And please, let me know what you wish for this sequel to be. Do you want some happiness for Fay, or should I do what I do best and write horrible death, heartbreak and tragedy insted?**

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"Wake up! Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup!"

A persistent voice cut through Matsuda's sleep and he fell out of a dream. His eyes opened and he sat up in a heartbeat.

"What? What the...?"

"You look funny." the same voice stated. "You were drooling on the pillow."

Matsuda rubbed his eyes, and turned towards the voice. There was a tiny creature by his bed, a huge cloud of messy, black hair, eyes that were big as saucers and green as a morning in the spring.

A little girl. Of course. Now that the sleep was leaving his system, Matsuda began to realize his surroundings. Wammy's house, Winchester, England.

"Good morning Lily." he said. "Did your mom send you to wake me up?"

"No." Lily grinned. "It was all my idea. Mom's in the shower."

"Oh, okay." Matsuda said. He didn't really know if he should be offended or flattered by the fact that Lily had decided to come into his room like this. Though, if he was going to live with Fay, he would probably have to get used to this. Especially if they kept on having sex without protection - because that would no doubt mean they would have even more people waking him up in the early mornings, sooner or later.

That thought felt actually nice, and Matsuda couldn't help a small smile on his lips.

Who would've thought he'd end up with Fay? That she wanted him, that she loved him and had asked him to follow her home?

Matsuda still felt like this was too good to be true. Like this was actually the dream, and soon he would wake up - only to find himself back in Tokyo, without Fay, without Lily, facing alone the unbearable things he had done.

But the sunshine that entered the room between the curtains had a promise of a beautiful day, and Lily was getting impatient, jumping up and down on her feet.

"Get up already!" she said "It's time for breakfast soon! And I am hungry."

"Yeah, okay. Just give me a moment-"

"Lily?" Fay's voice carried from the living room. "Oh my God, Lily you didn't—"

"Sorry..." Lily said, and looked ashamed, a blush creeping up on her pale cheeks.

Fay stepped into the room, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her slender form and another in her hair - looking absolutely stunning. Matsuda blushed at the sight of her, remembering in a heartbeat the way he had fucked her last night on this very bed.

And then, very determinately, he pushed that thought away. It surely wasn't the moment to think about that!

"Lily, I told you not to wake him up! He had a long day yesterday, you should've let him sleep." Fay sounded angry, and Lily made a sad face.

"But Mom, it is breakfast time. And you said, we'd do something fun today! And - he was drooling on the pillow, and that was grose."

Fay couldn't help a small smile in the corner of her mouth.

"He was drooling?"

"Yes, look!" Lily pointed on the pillow. "Still wet. Ewww."

"Alright, that's enough." Fay said, suppressing a smile, and walked closer, to take Lily's hand. "You're embarrassing our guest. Let's give him some space."

"It's fine." Matsuda said. "I should get up anyways. I heard something about breakfast."

Fay turned to look at him again, and smiled. That smile, the look on her face, was enough to take Matsuda's breath away. He wanted for things to stay like this forever, for Fay to look at him like this forever, with gentleness and warmth in her green eyes, for Fay to stand on the doorway of his room, barefoot, wearing nothing but a towel around her body, her skin still moist after the shower, some red curls escaping from under the towel in her hair, holding her daughter's hand - and who knew, maybe soon she'd be holding a baby in her arms too.

That thought was like a sunrise inside of his chest.

"Yeah, breakfast is at 8. You still have time to take a shower, if you wish." Fay said, and turned to leave. "I'll get dressed meanwhile."

And just like that she walked out of the door, leading Lily away, and Matsuda was left alone in a room that suddenly felt very quiet.

It turned out, that breakfast was served at the main house.

Matsuda had been here once before - when Light had sent him and Aizawa to look for information about Near and Mello, not six months ago. They had spent a day here, talking with Roger, asking questions - thinking that they had discovered a lot, but in reality he had learnt nothing that really mattered. He hadn't even known, that Fay had been living her at that time, with Lily.

Now, it all felt different.

It was his first morning here, the first morning of his new life.

He walked into the big dining room in the first floor, and sat by Fay's side. There were about twenty kids of different ages already there, sitting in the table. Matsuda smiled at them, and some smiled back but some just stared at him, blank faced, which made him feel a bit weird inside. The thought that all these kids had a genius level IQ, was more than a bit unnerving.

"Good morning, children." Fay said, taking a seat.

"Good morning, Ms. Fay." the kids replied obediently, which made Matsuda turn to look at Fay by his side.

"What is it that you actually do here?" he asked. "In Wammy's house, I mean."

"All kinds of things." Fay said, with a smile in her eyes.

"Like?"

"I do some teaching, if that's what you're asking." she replied. "Though I'm not really used to calling myself a teacher."

"Oh." Matsuda sipped his coffee. "And what do you teach?"

"Don't you know anything?" Lily interrupted, rolling her eyes. "She teaches physics. My mom is soooo smart."

"I know that much." Matsuda grinned. "I bet she's a great teacher too."

"I might have a doctorate in theoretical physics, but it doesn't mean I'm a good teacher." Fay noted. "I'm still learning."

"Oh, okay." Matsuda said. "I bet you're great though."

Lily nodded in agreement, and as soon as Fay had served food on her plate, Lily began to stuff some bacon and eggs into her mouth. So, this little Ryuzaki look-a-like did eat real food and not only sweets. Matsuda helped some breakfast on his own plate, though the idea of eating sausages, fried mushrooms and tomatoes in the morning didn't really appeal to him. He settled on some toast and jam instead, and refilled his cup of coffee.

Fay didn't eat anything, but like Matsuda, drank an enormous amount of coffee, though she used both milk and sugar.

"So, how did you end up in here?" Matsuda asked after some silence. "I mean, as a teacher."

"Hm." Fay gave a sigh. "You're testing the boundaries of this 'no secrets' thing."

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't aware that-"

"It's fine. I just… It's something I don't really enjoy talking about."

She seemed suddenly sad, and Matsuda felt like an idiot (a familiar feeling that one). Of course. He should've known that question made her think about L, and that only led to misery and heartbreak and it was all because of his big mouth and stupid questions.

"Mom came here because of me." Lily said, munching on the bacon. "I was gonna be born and Mom says she wanted a home for me."

"That's right, sweetie." Fay said, with a sad smile. "I did come here with you in my belly."

"So that was… after you left Tokyo when-"

"Yes. Though I didn't come here right away." Fay replied. She was silent for a moment, took a sip of her coffee, before continuing. "I spent some time in Paris, figuring out what to do… but there was nothing there for me anymore, and finally I realized there was only one place I could call home, so-."

"-so you came here." Matsuda filled her sentence.

"Yeah. Hey, I was 23, pregnant and homeless. I had to do _something_. And Watari always used to say, that I could come back here anytime. That I would always have a home here."

"And you've been here ever since?"

"Yes. I've been here this whole time. And yes, I was here when you came to search for information with Aizawa last autumn. Kept hidden in my room with Lily all damn day."

"Geez… had I only known-"

"Had you known, I'd be dead right now." Fay said. "So let's not go there."

That made Matsuda look down, to his coffee and shut up.

It still hurt like Hell, like a bulldozer crushing his ribcage. The thought that he had trusted Light, that he had _believed_ in Light, through everything, 'til the very end he had believed that Light was innocent and good - and by doing so, he had endangered Fay's life. And God knew how many others.

It was his fault that Light had been able to go on killing people all these years. The blood of innocents (okay, the blood of criminals too) was in Matsuda's hands, and he felt it. He knew it would never wash away.

And also, Light's blood.

Maybe that was still the worst of all. The memory of the gun in his hand, and Light falling back, the sound of the shot ringing in his ears, tears falling on his cheeks tasting like salt and iron, and blood - Gods, how could there be so much blood in one person? - blood, read and sticky and dark, pooling on the floor around Light as he was crawling to the door.

How long had it been?

Crossing the time zones was confusing. Had it been the day before yesterday, of the day before that? The day that he had killed Light Yagami. The worst day of his life.

"Hey." Fay's voice cut to Matsuda's thoughts. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Matsuda forced himself to look up, forcing a smile on his lips. "I'm super."

"Yes, you are." Fay said, seriously. "You are my hero, after all."

That made Lily blink a couple of times in silence.

"A hero? A superhero?" she said wide eyed. "Like batman?!"

"Yes, I'm batman." Matsuda could not help a laugh. "I'm totally batman."


	60. Part 2: The Cock Horse Inn

**Another short one. Sorry about that. I haven't been feeling well at all this past week, and I feel like my mojo is lost, my energy gone, my life a shadow in the darkness.**

 **If there is anything nice you can tell me, please do.**

* * *

After the breakfast Fay walked Lily to her classes (she would have mathematics, English literature, art and a riding lesson), and then asked Matsuda to go for a walk with her.

"Don't you have lessons today?" he asked, as they pulled on their coats and wrapped scarves around their necks, to bear the chilly February weather.

"Hey, I just arrived yesterday." Fay replied. "The substitute teacher is gonna be here for a couple of days still, luckily. It's not like I can just jump back into teaching without any preparation, after being gone for months."

Her remark made Matsuda feel like an idiot, again.

"Oh, sure. So, what do you want to do today? Lily said you had promised to do 'something fun'."

"Let's take her out for ice cream in the evening. That should be fun enough, and something I can manage. I really don't feel like anything too big." Fay said, stepping out from Wammy's house, holding the large oak door for Matsuda to follow.

"And before that? We have like four, five hours?"

"Five. Lily's classes end at two."

Matsuda glanced at his wrist watch, it was just ten past nine, and he was feeling energetic after last night's sex, the good night's sleep and all the coffee he had ingested at the breakfast.

"Okay, five hours. That's a lot! What do you want to do with that time?"

"You are persistent. Are you trying to lure me into bed with you while Lily's on classes?"

He blushed, and not just for the chilly wind that hit his cheeks the moment he stepped out.

"No, no!" he made a nervous laughter. "Or, I mean, not if you don't want to-"

"Oh, I want to, Batman." Fay grinned, her smile hitting Matsuda in the gut like a wrecking ball. "But it's going to have to wait. We have stuff to do before that."

 _It's going to have to wait?_

 _Why does the sex has to wait?_

 _Why is there other stuff - and what could be more important stuff, than the two of us naked in the bed?_

"Right. Other stuff."

A couple of deep breaths of the cold winter air helped him to regain his cool, and he managed to follow Fay who had already walked down the front steps and was heading towards the iron gates on the other end of the runway.

"Umm… what stuff?" he asked, when reaching Fay's side.

"Hey, this is England." she replied. "We're going to go to a pub."

* * *

The pub turned out to be an ancient wooden house, that claimed to have served beer since the year 1684 - which did impress Matsuda, even if he hardly could be called a history nerd. The pub was called 'The Cock Horse Inn' and it had a sign with a flaming red horse in it, hanging above the front door.

They had taken a longer walking route from Wammy's house to the nearby village, just to kill time (for the inn didn't open until 11.00), and when they finally reached the pub they both had red cheeks and messy hair from their brisk walk in the countryside.

"Christ, I'm dying for some good old fashioned English Ale!" Fay announced, walking in and ripping off her scarf. "One for you too?"

"Oh, okay." Matsuda agreed. "Whatever you feel like. But please, let me pay."

"Nonsense, I invited you. Go find us a nice table."

Matsuda did as he was told, and since they were the only customers, there were plenty of tables to choose from. The place was clearly very old, and everything inside was of dark wood, chalk walls, old chandeliers, leather furniture. There was an actual fire in the fireplace, which felt fantastic, and Matsuda settled on a nearby table. He removed his coat and the scarf he had worn around his neck, took a seat and waited for Fay to arrive with their beers.

"There you go." she said, placing a pint of golden liquid in front of Matsuda. "It's a local brand. Hope you enjoy it."

"Thanks. The next ones are on me, though."

"Good, because we might need more than one."

"Oh. Why's that?"

"There are some things we need to talk about." she simply said, and removed her coat.

Matsuda didn't really like the sound of that. He had several bad experiences of girls wanting to talk about things. It had usually led to a situation, where he had been dumped and his heart stumped deep into the ground with stiletto heels.

Just the thought of Fay dumping him, felt like dying.

Hell, it felt probably worse!

But Fay _had_ said she wanted to have sex later. So maybe this wasn't about leaving him? Maybe it was about something else entirely.

The silence that lingered in the room while they drank, that hovered over the table between the two of them, was the kind of silence that made Matsuda uncomfortable. He wasn't a big fan of silences anyways, always finding a way to fill them with jokes or idle prattling - but now he felt he shouldn't do that. Fay was very serious, and Matsuda couldn't shake off the fear that she was going to dump him. To tell him that it had been just a stupid mistake to ask him to come to England, and that it was time for him to go back home.

Home.

Like he had one to go back to.

He felt like choking just thinking about that, and the beer began to taste like blood on his lips.

"Please don't leave me." he blurted out, unable to stop himself. "Please, I couldn't take it."

Fay's eyes widened, the look of utter surprise on her pretty face. And then she smiled, a wide smile that was like a warm wind through Matsuda's heart.

"Why on Earth would I leave you?"

"I don't know… I just thought… you said you wanted to talk about things, and then you looked so serious-"

"Matsu, please. I have no intention of leaving you. I am in love with you, _madly_ in love with you. And I am fully aware of the fact, that you might be the only one who can save me."

"Oh." he said, her sudden confession of love making his heart jump to his throat, the relief washing through him like a wave.

"Oh? Is that all I get?"

"Oh, and I love you too. But you know that, right?"

"Doesn't mean I don't need to hear it." Fay said, leaning back on her chair, taking another sip of her beer. "In fact, I might ask you to tell me that every day for some time, before I can truly believe it."

"I can do that. But hey, why wouldn't you believe me?"

"Do you believe _me,_ when I say I love you?"

"That's totally different! You are awesome, you could have anybody! And I… I'm just me. I _want_ to believe it, though. More than anything."

Fay didn't reply anything for a couple of heartbeats, but when she finally looked up, her eyes were deep, green ponds of sadness, that cut through Matsuda's heart like a spear.

"Were you really scared that I was going to break up with you?"

"It wouldn't be love if I wasn't afraid of it ending. Right?"

"That sounds like a line from a soap opera." Fay noted. The glow of the fireplace made her hair look like it was in fire too, her face pale, even if her cheeks were still burning.

"It's still true." Matsuda said, unable to take his eyes away from her.

There was something, something fragile in her, something he couldn't grasp and even if she had told him she wasn't going to leave him, he couldn't shake the fear off.

She didn't meet his eyes, but stared at the fire, wrapping a quilt around her shoulders. The beer was now forgotten on the table in front of her.

"In my experience, all love ends, and all love ends badly." she finally said.

"So, let's make an exception. Hell, what do you want me to say? That I'll love you forever, 'cause I'll bloody well will."

"Oh, honey. I'm still working on believing you could actually fall for someone like me, and now you're talking about forever. Forever is a fucking long time, and even that word… takes the strength out of me like I'm nothing but an empty shell."

Matsuda was silent for a while after that, taking in Fay's words. What can you say to something like that?

That even if she felt like an empty shell, to him her soul was a flame in the darkness, a bright flame, that showed him the way home when he was lost.

That he had lost everything - his friends, his reason to live, his self esteem (not that there had been much to begin with), his innocence, _everything_ , and the only piece that could fix the broken puzzle that he was, was her love.

"Why would you doubt me?" he asked finally. "Why wouldn't you believe I love you so, that I would die for you? Have I not proved myself enough?"

"I'm just not used to people loving me." she shrugged. "Because deep inside I know, I'm not worth it."

"Hey," Matsuda said, put his beer down, not that he had been drinking it lately anyways. "We've both done some awful things, I'm sure. I know I have. And yeah, it hurts. And yeah, it's going to take time to get over them. But nothing - _nothing -_ you have done or said or what you think you are, could ever stop me from loving you, Felicity Penrose."

Fay blushed, looked down.

"Wow." she said, after a short silence. "You know how to take a girl's breath away."

"And I'm proud of it." Matsuda couldn't help a smile.

"You should be. But hey, I brought you here for a reason, and if you keep telling me things like that, I'll never get there. So now, I need you to shut up and drink your beer and listen to me for a while."

"Oh, I can do that. If you promise it's not about dumping me."

"Fine, I promise." Fay said, and a small smile played in the corner of her lips.

Matsuda took his beer and crossed his long legs in front of him, stretching them towards the fire. He really hadn't worn shoes warm enough, for a walk in the freezing weather, and the warmth of the fireplace made his frostbite feet tingle.

"So, what are you going to tell me?"

"My life story, and nothing less." she said, and begun.


	61. Part 2: Pandora's box

**I know, I know, you don't want to read these author's notes, but I need them so bear with me.**

 **Lately I've been more than a bit depressed. I've been reading Haruki Murakami (just finished Norvegian Wood) and listening to Mirel Wagner (serioulsy, check her out in Spotify), and these things haven't been actually cheering me up. :/**

 **So this chapter is a product of a depressed mind. I was feeling Fay, and her conflicted emotions, and I wanted this chapter to feel like you were sitting with her in the 'Cock Horse Inn' (that's an actual name of a real pub, believe it or not) and listening to her life story. Don't know if I managed to capture that feeling at all. I usually don't write this style.**

 **Anyhow, next chapter is also almost written, and it has more action and humour than this one. Sorry for this babbling... just needed to try and connect with you, feeling lonely and blue.**

 **If you like my shit, please let me know.**

* * *

You've ever heard of Pandora?

She was this girl, who was properly fucked up by the Gods in ancient Greece.

I used to love that story when I was a kid, though. I had this book called "Myths and legends", and my mom would read it to me all the time. I loved all the stories in it, but my favourite, the best of them all, was the story of Pandora.

She was a human, the first human, and she was made by the gods. And Zeus - the old bastard - gave her a box, that held all the curses and evils of the world. Not that he cared to mention to her, what was in it.

She was simply told not to open it.

And of course she did open it, so that every horrible thing you can imagine, sickness and death and evil, was released into the world. Only one thing remained in the box. Hope.

I guess I should've been named Pandora instead of Fay. Not because I would be very gifted - Pandora does mean all-gifted - but because I have a box like that too, a box that is full of stuff so evil and nasty that it would poison the world if it got out. The only difference is, that my box wasn't given to me by Gods. This box I made myself, and it exists in my head.

The only person, who has ever seen even a glimpse of what's in there, is L. And he… he loved me nevertheless. So, if you think you love me too, I guess I must... I guess I must let you know as well.

It is only fair.

After all, you know nothing about me. Nothing, except that I like coffee and whiskey and rough sex. And even if I think that you'd be better off not knowing me at all, I feel like I owe you. I don't know… I feel like I owe you the truth, because you saved my life, Touta.

So hear me now, and after I've told you all… then you can decide if you want to stay with me or not.

I will start from the beginning.

I will tell you about my mother, and how I lost her, and gained the first darkness into my personal Pandora's box.

My mother was a single mother, which is kind of funny, if you think about it. She was a single mother to me, and now I am a single mother to Lily. I wonder if it is just a coincidence, but how could I know? If there is a plan, if there is a meaning in all of this, it surely isn't something I can understand. I'd like to believe there is no plan, no higher power behind this all - that everything that happens to us, is just a series of coincidences, and nothing more.

I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe. Wouldn't it be far worse, if all the terrible things that happened to us, were because we deserved them?

Like the fact that my father died of cancer at the age of 32. Just two months after I was born, so that my mother was left alone with a baby on her arms, alone, trying to survive her grief and the needs of a newborn. If that was written in the stars, destined since the day of my birth, I never want to meet the God who came up with that stupid-ass plan.

Fuck, I'd probably punch God in the face, if I had the chance. He has some other totally unfair stuff to account for too.

Still, even if the surroundings of my birth were crappy, my mom was a good mother. I know she did her best - reading me Greek Myths and all.

Nothing that's wrong with me, is her fault.

If she was tired of all that single mom shit, that draws all the spunk out of me, at least I never noticed that. My mom was awesome.

Maybe it would have been better if she hadn't been that awesome, though. Maybe I would have missed her less, if she had been a total nutjob or sucked at being a mom. But hey, who knows. I think kids love their parents no matter what, and maybe I would have loved my mother just as much, if she had been a drug addict or a child abuser.

But she was neither. She was the best mom in the world.

She was a vet, and I loved her job, as I loved everything about her, and as a kid I wanted nothing more than to become a vet too. We lived on the countryside, not that far from here actually, in Norton St. Philip, and she mostly worked with farmers, their dogs and their cats, their cows and their horses. Before I was five, I had seen a dozen calves being born, and that was pretty awesome. My mom would take me with her all the time, and I thought that was great. Now I don't know why she did it, though. Was it hard to find someone to take care of me, while she worked late at the nights? Or did she just want me near? Did she enjoy my company, my enthusiasm?

Now I can't ask her of course.

I'm 27 and I have been without her for 22 years. That's a fucking long time to live without a mother. Sometimes I think I'll never be okay with the fact that she left me.

Did I say she left me?

I meant she _abandoned_ me.

She died, and that's the worst kind of abandoning. Because if you die, you leave this huge, gigantic, black hole in the hearts of everyone who's loved you - and they are helpless, and angry and they are fucking suffocating - and they can't even tell you that, because you're gone, and you have taken everything with you!

Sorry.

I got a bit angry there.

Yeah, you're right. I'm talking about L too. He also died, and _left_ me. And he fucking did it _twice_. How the Hell am I supposed to cope with that shit, huh? But that's another matter, and we'll come back to that later.

See? I told you, you wouldn't want to be with me, after I was done. I can't even keep this story together, even if it is my life story and man, I've wanted to tell you for so long. I've wanted for you to know me, Touta. To know the _real_ me, and to see if you'd still love me. If you'd still love me when you knew-

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. My mom, and the fact she was a vet. Right.

That's why I was with her the night she died too.

It's funny, the things we remember. The totally random and meaningless things that stay in our heads even when everything else is gone. For example, the things I remember about that night. I remember the darkness, the way it was hard to tell where the land ended and sky began, because everything was the same, black without any shapes. And I remember that I was cranky, tired probably, for we were coming home from a farm and it was late. And how I kept asking her to stop to buy me an ice cream, which was ridiculous, of course. Like there would've been any place to buy ice cream at that hour, in the countryside in the middle of the night.

I remember how the booster seat felt, I had a new one, it was beige and furry and I loved it so much. It was always so warm, even if the car was old and always damn cold.

And I remember the smell of blood in the car. The smell of iron and steel and gasoline and wet grass and mud. It's still in my nostrils, like no matter how much fresh air I breath, it's always there. It will always be there, and I can't get rid of it. Not ever.

I was stuck in the car with my mom's dead body for two and a half hours before someone drove past and called for help.

She had fallen asleep while driving.

That's what the doctors said afterwards. That she had probably fallen asleep.

But that's not true. I know she wasn't sleeping, she was just tired. And because she was tired, she didn't pay attention, and she turned around to talk to me, to explain to me why we couldn't stop for ice cream, and as she was talking to me, the car drifted off the road and hit a tree and she died.

They gave me ice cream in the hospital.

I traded my mother's life for ice cream, and I threw it up, the fucking strawberry flavoured ice cream, I threw it all up, all over my bed in the hospital and I've fucking hated ice cream ever since.

I was five years old when that happened. And I had barely turned six, when I was brought to Wammy's house.

You know what I always loved about that place? Even when I hated everything else, there was still one thing that was kinda awesome, and still is.

It's the fact that in Wammy's, I wasn't anything special.

You think that's weird?

Well, let me explain.

You see, in Wammy's house we all had a sob story. And because we all had one, no one gave a shit about them. No one gave a shit about me being an orphan, or me being super smart or whatever. We were all special kids in Wammy's house, and that's why we were all kind of equal. As equal as you can be in a place that was so fucked up and competitive, as that place was back then.

The other thing I loved about Wammy's was Lawliet.

Yes, Touta. Lawliet.

I know you don't want to hear me talking about him, but if you are to be with me, you must. He was a part of me, as I was a part of him, and if you say you love me, then you can't pretend that didn't happen. In my past, there is only one thing that really matters, and it is him.

You see, he saved me.

I was so scared, so alone, so broken when I got to Wammy's. But he was already there, he was a few years older than me… and he reached out to me when no one else would.

We needed each other to survive. He became my sun, my moon, my oxygen, my heart. I grew up with him. We spent all of our time together. You could say, that his special position in the house earned us some… privileges. He was so different, he was peculiar, even amongst the Wammy's kids he was weird. But he was a genius, and thus he was allowed to do things his way. Whatever he needed to solve the crimes, he was given. If it included the permission to have me sleep in his room, so be it. Even if I would've been kicked out of Wammy's without second thought, had Roger or Watari ever found out about the fact I spent nights in other boys' rooms! But if L needed my company? Sure, he could have it, no problem. So, I ended up sleeping in the same bed with him for _years_ \- not that anything ever happened between us back then. He was my friend. My best friend for ten years, before I fell in love with him. And even after that, I kept it a secret from him for a couple of years more, because I knew he didn't feel the same about me… and then-

Then I left him.

Fuck, it's harder to talk about this than I thought. And I am getting ahead of myself again.

I was supposed to tell you about the years I loved L, and how that completely messed me up so that I did all kinds of stupid shit. Not that I really regret it, but it still managed to fill up my box of secrets, that I told you about.

You want to know how many guys I've slept with?

No?

Good. I really didn't want to tell you that. Some things are best kept in that damn box.

But I can tell you, that it started when I was fifteen, and I went through _a lot_ of them because I only wanted Lawliet, but he didn't want me. So I thought that by sleeping with everyone else, I'd forget about him, or that he'd notice and become jealous, or that I would fill this void inside of my heart, the anxiety I felt, that I could fill it all with sex, so there would be nothing left to feel.

It didn't work out though.

I did a lot of damage acting like that. I didn't see it then, I didn't care - but I see it now. It was actually you, who opened my eyes, Touta. Did you know that?

I was going to fuck you and then ditch you, no remorse, no looking back. Just like I had done to all the guys before you-

But… but I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you. You told me you were in love with me, and it broke something in my heart, and I couldn't.

You and Lawliet are the only guys I've ever loved, the only ones I've ever treated with respect, the only ones I've ever given a shit about. All the other… I used them, and maybe most of them didn't care, but I know some did. I've hurt people pretty bad by being a selfish slut, and that's something you should know.

That if you hear bad stuff about me, it's probably true.

Yeah, I get it if you want to leave now. Nobody wants to be with a slut, but I really think you deserve to know that I'm not a good girl. You keep saying that you've never known anyone like me, and I guess that's true, because I bet you've only dated good girls, the decent ones, girlfriend material.

You think I'm girlfriend material?

Think again.

Growing up in Wammy's house was so hard. I don't know if it was my past, the trauma of losing my Mom, or if it was just something that was in my head, something I was born with, but I have always been… anxious. Depressed too.

I already told you about using sex to fill that ache, to dull that pain, but that wasn't all I used.

Hell, I've tried all the drugs you can name! I know you don't approve, that you don't understand. You are a police officer after all, and you are so good, so righteous. And I love that about you. It's just… I am not like that.

To be honest, I don't give a shit about the law. Something being illegal has never stopped me.

When living in Wammy's house, it was impossible to do drugs, so I used sex. But after that… the years I spent at the university and with Cesaire - my boyfriend back then, another one who got his heart broken because of me - I sure made up for the time lost.

It was so easy to get high, so easy to get stuff that messed up your head, made you forget.

I tried it all, but nothing helped.

There was this void inside of me. A black hole in my heart, and no amount of drugs or meds or alcohol could fix that. I carried it within me, I got so used to it, that it began to feel like a part of me, so that finally I didn't know, if I would even exist at all without it.

Until I came to Japan, and saw L again.

I hadn't met him in four years.

You knew that? That I had left Wammy's, that I had left him, and hadn't heard from him in years. I had spent _four fucking years_ trying to get over him, trying to get over the fact that he didn't love me like I loved him, and I had destroyed my share of hearts while at it, but none of it mattered for when I laid my eyes on him that day it felt like no time had passed at all.

And the night he came to my door and kissed me…

Ah. I'm sorry.

I'm not going to go to details. I just… I need you to understand that after that night, I could breath for the first time in my life without pain, without anxiety, without the darkness eating my soul.

I was happy. For the first time in my life I was truly happy and free.

It lasted for six days.

For less than a week I had him. And when he died, he took everything from me.

I know you've lost people too.

I know you loved Chief Yagami like he was your father, and it must have been devastating to you, for him to die like that. And I know you loved Light too, or the person you thought he was.

You also mourned for me, when you thought I had died.

So Yeah, I think you know something about loss as well. I don't pretend to be the only one who has suffered.

But still. After L died, I went deep, deep into a depression that was nothing like the ones I'd known before. I wanted to die, simple as that. Dying was all I wanted, the only thing I could think of. I wanted to kill myself and join him.

The only reason I didn't, was Lily.

I still don't understand it. I was on the pill. And we were together for such a short time, only a couple of nights… But yeah, it was a miracle. I was pregnant. And once I found about it, I knew I had to live. Not for me, never for me, but for Lily.

She saved me, like Lawliet had saved me before, when we were kids. Now I had Lily, and after I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew there was nothing, _nothing_ , I would ever love more, than I loved her.

I love her more than I even loved L. Can you imagine that? But it is true, because I have found out that I can live without him, but if Lily died… then I my life would be over. My heart would just stop beating, if something ever happened to her.

You probably don't understand that. But you will, if you ever get children of your own.

Being a parent is just… it's a whole different game. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me, the only thing I am proud of in my life. I still can't believe it - the fact that I've created something as awesome as Lily. And by God, I hope she doesn't take after me too much.

So.

I've opened the lid of the Pandora's box, just a little bit, and I've let out a nice collection of my ugliest secrets.

Now you know.

Now you see, that I'm really not a good person and I really don't have that much to offer to you.

I am a slut, a heartbreaker, a former drug addict, an alcoholic single mom with chronic depression, ADHD and a death wish.

Oh - and I've had a ghost for a boyfriend for the past five years. He only broke up with me a couple of days ago.

So, If you had any sense at all, you'd be running. I totally understand if you do. I will not think any less of you, if you do that.

But as I am being honest, I want to say one more thing before you go, and it is the only one that matters to me. I guess it is the only thing that is left in my Pandora's box, you know. Hope. The hope that even with all I am, after all I've told you, you would still hold this one thing over everything else.

The fact that I love you.


	62. Part 2: Vanilla

**So, apparently reviewing a fic is so last season? No one seems to bother to do that anymore, sigh. :(**

 **You know, writing isn't easy. It takes a lot of time and effort and energy, and it would really help me if I got some feedbakc. Like, do you wish to read happiness or tragedy? Joy or heartbreak? Man, I don't know.**

 **(And hey, I wouldn't be begging if no one was reading this, but I can see that this fic still gets like 100 to 200 views per day, so I would think _someone_ would comment something...)**

* * *

During her monologue they had both emptied their beers, and were finishing the second ones (that Matsuda had fetched them at some point). They weren't the only customers in the pub anymore, for it was lunchtime now, and suddenly the place was full of people having fish and chips and other English 'delicacies'. Some were eyeing them with curiosity - this was a small village after all, and Matsuda sure wasn't a familiar face around here.

"So." Fay said finally, after a rather long silence. "How do you feel… about all this? Is it too much to take?."

Matsuda gave a sigh, turned his eyes to Fay, those huge, dark almond eyes of his, that always made Fay feel like she was falling.

"I know you are a lot smarter than me, so please don't take this the wrong way… but sometimes you can say the most stupid things."

"Oh.. okay?" Fay stammered. "What… what do you mean?"

"Just let me ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Do you still do drugs?"

"No, I've been clean since I got Lily. And even before that, actually. Since I left Cesaire and went to Japan the first time."

"Okay, Good. And are you still sleeping with other guys?"

"Matsu, before we hooked up, I hadn't slept with _anyone_ in fucking five years."

"Just answer the question." he persisted, dead serious. "Are you sleeping with anyone else than me?"

"No, okay? I'm not."

"And you can keep it that way?"

"Yeah." Fay blushed. "I can. I don't want anyone… anyone but you."

"Then we're cool. I have no problem with anything you told me." Matsuda said with a serious voice, his deep, espresso eyes so full of kindness, that it took Fay's breath away.

"Touta, come on." she breathed. "You're too good to me. I don't deserve you."

"And here we go with the stupid again." he said, and grinned. "That makes no sense at all."

"How come!? I just told you I'm a fucking mess and that I've only brought pain and suffering to _everyone_ around me since I was five years old! How can you say that it's okay? I don't get it, I just don't-"

"Are you trying to make me to leave you?" he asked, serious again. "Because it's not working. The only thing that would make me go, would be you telling me you don't love me. But you do."

"Yeah, I do."

"So, here we are. I'm a mess too! I was also raised by a single mom, my dad was an alcoholic who walked out on us. I've lost people too, like you said. And I shot my best friend. I shot him to kill, and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. So don't you dare to tell me that you want me to leave the only thing that is right in my life."

Fay was silent for a few heartbeats, taking in his words.

"Your mom was a single mom too?"

"Yeah, she was."

"I didn't know that."

"There's a lot you don't know about me."

"Apparently." she said. "So, tell me. How many girls have you slept with?"

"Whaat?!" Matsuda's cheeks flushed fiercely. " _That's_ what you want to know about me?"

"Just kidding." Fay grinned. "I love to tease you."

"Man, and I already worried-"

"Why would you worry? I'm sure you've had your share of sex before me. It's impossible to be as good as you are, without some practice."

Matsuda's cheeks turned to a deep shade of crimson, and he cast his eyes down.

"I'm really not comfortable talking about that." he muttered. "But yeah, I'm not a virgin."

"Well, you certainly aren't." Fay noted to that. "At least not after all the stuff we've done."

"Hey, I wasn't virgin before I met you either."

"Thought you didn't want to talk about it."

"I don't."

"Fine." she couldn't help a smile. "You know, I love it when you blush. You are adorable."

"Geez, I wish you wouldn't call me that." he gave a sigh. "I liked it more when you called me a hero."

"Baby, I'll call you 'hero' or whatever you want, if you take me to the bathroom right now and fuck me."

Matsuda's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, as if he was a fish on dry land, and he cleared his throat.

"Um… seriously?"

"You have better things to do?"

"No! Not at all, I just-"

"Come on, Batman." Fay said and stood up. "I'll show you the way."

* * *

As soon as the bathroom door closed behind them, Matsuda's lips were on hers and he pushed her against the wall with force. Neither one of them cared to reach for the lights, the darkness felt good, and as he kissed her, Fay went weak on the knees. A fierce wave of need flushed through her veins, making her gasp.

 _How is it possible that he didn't leave? After all I told him, he didn't even flinch. He didn't leave me and he's here, he's kissing me and he wants me - how the fuck can he want me after everything I told him?_

"Matsu, I love you…!" she breathed, breaking the kiss.

He pulled her close, pinning her between the wall and his lean chest.

"I've never known anyone like you." he said, his voice low and dark. "And it's not a bad thing, like you think, not at all, it is amazing. _You_ are amazing. And I couldn't care less about the guys in your past. Hey, they are the past! _This_ is the present."

His breathing that was hot on the skin of her neck, his lips that traced a line of kisses under her ear, sent shivers through her core. His hands were on her waist, clinging to her sweater, to her curves and against her hip she could clearly feel how his need was awakening too, the hardness of his erection through the fabric of his pants.

"So, you haven't dated girls who want you to fuck them in the bathroom of a pub?" Fay grinned, and in even in the darkness she felt how his lips curved into a smile.

"No, I really haven't."

"You're so vanilla." she purred, running her fingers through the mane of his thick hair. "I love it."

"Hey, I'm not vanilla!"

"Yeah, you are, baby." she giggled. "Or are you going to prove me wrong?"

He didn't answer, only groaned as he kissed her again, this time hard and ruthless. His tongue entered her mouth, a foretaste of all the the ways he wanted to enter her, his hands pushed her hard against the wall, so that she couldn't have escaped his grip even if she wanted to.

The bathroom wall was cold against her back, even through her sweater, and suddenly Fay was reminded of another kiss, five years ago, when Matsuda had first kissed her, in her room in Tokyo, against the cold door of the fridge, so that bottles had clattered in it.

It had been a good kiss, and it had revealed the fact that Matsuda had wanted her, had been in love with her. Fay couldn't deny the fact, she had wanted him too. The only reason they hadn't hooked up back then, was L.

But L was gone, he was in the past, no matter how much it hurt. And as Matsuda had said, this was the present.

His raw, desperate kisses were the present, his lips devouring hers were the present, his familiar scent of cedarwood and cypress, of steel and cotton filled Fay's senses, like she was breathing in his essence, his soul.

And yet, in the safe darkness of the bathroom, the walls around them in this small, closed space, Fay remembered another darkness.

A closet, in the HQ, in Tokyo.

L had stood there in front of her and his scent had been all sugar and tea, cotton and vanilla and Fay had wanted him so, that she had thought she would die if he didn't kiss her right then.

He hadn't kissed her.

Instead he had left her alone in the closet, recoiling away from her touch as if it was fire.

Later that night he had come to her room, and they had made love.

 _Oh, Christ, why am I thinking about that now? Why am I remembering? How messed up is this?_

 _I don't want to think about him now, I can't! He is gone, gone forever and he wanted for me to move on - and I'm fucking going to._

She broke the kiss, panting, pushed Matsuda away.

"Baby, I want to blow you."

"Christ, Fay— what if someone—?"

"Who's gonna come in here? The door is locked!"

"Still—"

Even in the darkness Fay knew he was blushing.

"Vanilla." she teased. "Come on, let me. I want to feel you in my mouth, I want your fingers gripping my hair, I want to taste your cum on my tongue—"

He groaned in desperation, but his fingers were already opening his belt and Fay took that as a sign to kneel on the floor before him.

She helped him with the buttons and the zipper, her hands impatient, and pulled down his pants and underwear just enough to free his dick that was already hard, standing boldly against his abdomen.

"I love it…!" she breathed, gripping it hard, making him groan again. "Have I told you I'm in love with your dick, Matsu? It's so damn perfect, soo _big_ and _hard_ and—"

In the darkness she couldn't see the look on his face, but she heard the way he moaned as she began to caress him with her hands. The dry, throaty sounds that were born deep inside of his chest were madly arousing, and made Fay forget about everything else.

"Oh come on, please—" he pleaded. "Please, Felicity-"

"Want me to suck it, babe?"

"Unngh… Ah…! Yeah, I do..!"

"Then tell me so." she breathed, relentlessly pumping him, her lips almost touching the head of his cock. "And not in a vanilla way."

"Fuck, Fay—"

"That's a good start." she grinned, and licked the head of his cock with the tip of her tongue, tasting the salty droplets of precum, her fingers gripping hard on the base of his member. "Go on, Hero."

"Please, suck me, Please, I—"

"Don't be so fucking polite. No pleading, just tell me what you want."

"Fuck! Just… Open your mouth!" he groaned and Fay did as she was told, letting him thrust his dick deep into her mouth, and closed her lips around it.

"Oh my God…! Jesus, Fay, that's amazing-"

Matsuda's fingers were deep in hair hair, pulling her head towards him and Fay let him, suppressing her gag reflex, relaxing her throat, she took him as deep as she could, just the way she knew he liked it.

Damn, she loved how it felt, she loved the way he groaned, how he breathed, she _loved_ how he tasted. His aroma was all soap and salt, his member so silky soft and yet rock hard, velvet over steel in her mouth, and it was intoxicating.

She began to move her head back and forth, sucking him, caressing him with her tongue and with her lips - but still letting him set the pace. His fingers were digging into her curls, pulling on them so that it almost hurt, and as Fay laid her hands on his hips for balance, she felt he was trembling.

"Felicity, Oh, Fe— Felicity—!" he was panting now and his voice was dry, it got caught in his throat in a way Fay found madly arousing.

It was such a turn on to hear, to feel how much he wanted her, how much he needed her. That if he loved what she was doing to him, that maybe he really loved her too? As he gripped her harder and began to move his hips, pushing his dick into her mouth, again and again, Fay felt her own need bubbling in her core like a lava flow.

" _Ga— gaman dekinai_ —!" Matsuda rasped, and Fay would've chuckled had her mouth not been filled with his dick. She found it extremely hot when he spoke Japanese, especially on moments like this. Yeah, she could tell he was close, even before he told her so. It was fine by her if he came like this - in the fact, she liked it.

He was fastening his pace, now really fucking her mouth, taking total control over her. His breath was shallow and fast and Fay felt his fingers in her curls, his member getting even harder between her lips, tasted the pre cum on her tongue - salty, delicious - and she wanted for him to have her, to take her, to _need_ her like this, she wanted for him to come into her mouth so that she'd be filled with his seed, so that she couldn't talk, couldn't think, couldn't _remember_ , couldn't feel _anything_ but this moment and the way he wanted her—

" _Ikisou_ …!" He groaned. "I'm co- ah! I'm coming-!"

And he did, pushing deep into her throat, and Fay felt the primitive pulse of his dick between her lips, the strong sour taste that filled her mouth, made her high headed. She swallowed without thinking, drinking all of his cum until it was over and he pulled out of her.

"God, Felicity—" Matsuda's voice was trembling, his chest heaving with deep breaths. "That was… that was bloody amazing…!"

Fay licked his member clean, before letting go, grinning.

"Thought you'd like it, Batman."

"It was perfect, damn _perfect_ , Fay—" he murmured, helping her up, pulling her into his arms. She felt his hot breathing on her neck, and it sent shivers through her whole body, like electric shocks into her nerves.

What she had just done to him had turned her on, more than a bit, and Matsuda must've known that for he kissed her, deep and raw and passionate, making her weak in the knees, so that she had to lean on him not to fall.

"You taste of me." he said, finally breaking the kiss.

"That bother you?"

"Not in the least. That's actually quite hot."

"Pervert." she giggled.

"And I thought you said I was vanilla."

"And I thought you were gonna prove me wrong."

He chuckled, and in the darkness his voice was low and soft like velvet, and just listening to it made her so wet it was unbearable.

"Oh, I am about to." he breathed, and pushed her against the wall, kneeling in front of her.

"Matsu, what are you—?"

"Hey, it's your turn." he simply said, and then his fingers were on the buttons of her jeans, opening them, pulling her pants down and Fay lost her grip to reality.

It was so dark in the bathroom, She could barely see his shape in front of her. She was sweating in her sweater, the strands of her hair sticking to the skin of her neck, her heart pounding in her chest so loud that it almost hid the sounds of the pub, the clattering of glasses and bottles, people having lunch, the music.

As he pulled down her soaking wet panties, Fay knew what was coming. She slid her fingers into Matsuda's hair, gripping the black, silky strands, her hand trembling.

And then his lips were on her, and Fay couldn't help a rather loud moan that left her lips.

"Oh! Oh my God..!"

She felt his grin on her and he made a low chuckle.

"Liking this?"

"Fuck yes, please don't stop—"

But the rest of her sentence melted into a moan as he attacked the most sensitive parts of her body with his lips and his tongue, and the pleasure overrode her conscious mind.

Fay had never been a huge fan of receiving oral sex, for the simple fact was that most guys sucked in it. But Damn, Matsuda knew what he was doing! The way he kissed her down there, was deep and passionate and ruthless and amazing, and Fay could only gasp for air, whimper, and let him have her with his tongue, that found all her secret spots of pleasure with such ease.

"To— Touta, Please…! Oh, Oh God, right there, oh heavens, please—" She was panting now, digging her fingers into his hair, her hips answering his caresses, her body turning into a hot, molten mess under his touch, and his tongue was relentless on her, his lips not giving her mercy, and she knew that if he kept on like this she would come like an exploding star—

And just then he pulled back and broke the contact.

"Nonononono, please no, don't stop—!" the desperate wail that left her lips was barely human.

"Turn around!" he commanded, breathing fast, and his hands on her hips made sure she did as she was told.

Fay let him spin her around, pressed her face and chest against the wall, and Matsuda's hands were rough on her, as he pulled her legs apart, as much as possible, for her jeans were still halfway on, around her knees.

She didn't have time to think, to say a thing, before his lips were back on her - and now his tongue could easily reach every part of her super sensitive crotch. Fay almost lost it, as he entered two fingers, pushed them deep into her, all the while sucking and licking her clit relentlessly.

"Please Matsu, please, please, oh God, please—!"

She hardly cared if someone heard her, she couldn't even remember where they were. The world disappeared around them, and the only thing that was, was the way he caressed her, pleased her, stretched her open with his fingers time after time after time, until—

\- he stopped again, _just_ when Fay was about to come, and this time the disappointment made her curse out loud.

"Fuck! Come on! Not again—!"

"Be quiet!" he groaned, and suddenly Fay felt that he was standing behind her, and against her ass there was his erection, hard and needing _again._ He shoved it into her aching crotch with one, deep thrust, digging his fingers into the skin of her hips.

"Gods, Touta…!" Fay gasped. "What are you-?"

"Hey, you asked me to fuck you in the toilet. I didn't want to disappoint you."

But Fay couldn't answer, she could only moan. The way he was swirling his hips against her backside, was sending insane waves of pleasure through her core, and she felt oh, so clearly, his large dick as it opened her, inch by inch, again and again, as he slowly, leisurely, took her - as if there was no haste in the world.

"Oh God, Touta, oh God, oh my god, that feels so fucking amazing-!" Fay was practically sobbing now, her legs trembling, her heart trying to escape through her sternum - and all the time Matsuda was fucking her, hard, deep, fastening his pace little by little so that her whole body was bouncing, her chest and her palms pressing against the wall, as she was desperately trying to stay on her feet.

Matsuda was gripping her sweater, pulling it tight around her tiny waist, as if it was a harness. She pushed back at him, her body demanding more, needing more, needing to get him even deeper, even harder inside of her, and he complied, giving her what she so desperately wanted.

"The things… you… you do to me…!" he was panting. "Fuck, I've _never_ wanted anyone like this!"

"Stop talking…!" Fay breathed "Just, stop talking..!"

His dick reached so goddamned deep into her, like it was filling her whole body, her heart, her soul. His hands gripped on her waist, and Fay surrendered, she gave in to the growing wave that was pushing her to the edge. It took only a couple of fast, deep thrusts more, and she came, so hard it was an explosion shooting stars inside of her mind.

"Oh…! Oh, God…!"

She was a dying star, she was an erupting volcano. The pleasure that engulfed her would have shattered mountains, leveled cities to the ground. It was like dying, on the sweetest way, dying, drowning, falling into a deep ocean of pure, raw pleasure.

She was still helplessly gasping for air, her legs cramping, as Matsuda came too - a low groan left his throat, and Fay felt how he stiffened, how his fingers dug painfully into the skin of her hips, and deep, Gods, so fucking deep inside of her, he filled her with his cum.

It took a moment before either one of them even tried to talk. Fay felt Matsuda's arms around her, and let him pull her against his chest as his dick slid out if her. His heart was still pounding, his chest heaving with deep breaths, as he buried his face into her hair, kissed her neck right under her ear.

"Fuck..!" Fay finally managed. "That was pretty awesome."

"Still too vanilla?" He asked with a grin, and Fay couldn't help a small laugh.

"I've clearly corrupted you." she admitted. "Fuck, Matsu - two times? What happened?"

"I really don't know." he replied, sounding almost apologetic. "You were just so hot. I couldn't help it."

"Well, I'm glad you couldn't."

She turned around to be able to kiss him on the lips, and he answered her kiss with such gentleness that it took her breath away.

"I really, really don't want to leave this bathroom." she sighed, when reluctantly breaking the kiss. "I want to stay here with you, forever, and never stop doing what we just did."

"I think we might have to, though."

"In a moment." she snuggled closer to him, wrapped her arms around his waist. "You know… you are awesome."

He made a small laugh. "You keep saying that."

"Because it's true. You know, most guys would have just left after the blowjob, without giving it a second thought."

"Yeah well, I guess I'm not most guys, then."

"You certainly aren't, hero." she kissed his neck, inhaled his scent, let the feeling of being loved and satisfied fill her from head to toe. His arms around her were a safe haven, an anchor, and they grounded her.

She wished they could just stay there, as they were, his arms around her, her head on his shoulder, the blissful afterglow of their lovemaking like a warm blanket around them. She wanted for the world to go to Hell, and to let them be, to let them stay like this forever.

After all they had been through, was that really too much to ask for?

* * *

After a short while they exited the bathroom, and though Fay was sure someone must have heard them, must have noticed what they'd been up to, it didn't seem to be the case. People were just having lunch, or a pint of beer, and no one as much as glanced at them, as they sneaked out of the bathroom together.

"Come on, let's get home." Fay said, gathering her things, pulling her coat on. "I want to get back before Lily's classes are over."

"Yeah, sure." Matsuda agreed. He took his coat, and Fay couldn't help a smile noticing his blushed cheeks, his hair that was a mess, his lips that were still red and swollen from all the kissing. He looked so damn cute, and it was incredibly hot to think about the fact, that he had actually taken her to the bathroom to fuck, after all she had told him, in a place like this.

Fay took his hand as they walked through the pub, let her fingers entwine with his. His palm was so warm against hers, the scent of his aftershave now mixed with salt and sex, and it went straight to her head, made her feel like her feet weren't even touching the ground.

The troubling thoughts she had carried within, were now diminished, tamed. The lid of the Pandora's box shut tight. The memory of L was now nothing more than a memory, an old wound that would always hurt, but she knew it wouldn't suffocate her. Not as long as she had Matsuda by her side.

They made it almost to the door, before a tall, slender woman with black bob hairstyle stopped them. She was a girl who worked here, and during the years since L's death, they had became something like friends - as Fay had spent more than enough time in this pub, trying to drown her sorrows.

"Fay, you're back!" she said. "You were gone for months!"

"Oh, Kat! Yeah, I'm back."

"I worried for you, you know. Disappearing like that."

Fay made a small laughter. "Yeah, I'm sure this place would go out of business pretty soon, if it wasn't for me buying all your booze."

"That's not what I meant." the tall woman said. "Or at least, not just that."

"I had a work trip, to Japan. But I'm back now, for good I hope."

"I gathered you went to Japan." Kat said, taking a look at Matsuda. "Looks like you brought something home with you."

"This is Touta Matsuda, he is… he is my boyfriend." she said, and wow, how good it felt to say that out loud. Weird, but good. She hadn't actually said that before, not even to herself. She had said she loved him, that she was in love with him, that she needed him, that she wanted for him to impregnate her, and that she wanted for them to stay fucking in the bathroom forever - but to tell someone he was her boyfriend? This was the first.

She glanced at Matsuda, and noticed how his eyes widened, and then he smiled.

That made Fay's heart feel like it was a fireplace, spreading warmth throughout her body.

"A boyfriend, huh?" Kat raised an eyebrow. "That's nice. But just so that you know, those toilets aren't for fucking. Next time, get a room."

 _So, someone did notice. Damn, that's not awesome._

"Yeah, I'm sorry." Fay grimaced. "Got caught in the moment."

"Well, next time don't. People complain."

"We apologize." Matsuda said, his cheeks so red that Fay knew he wished the floor would just give in and let him fall through it. He made an embarrassed laughter, ran his fingers through his hair, and Fay melted.

Kat, raised an eyebrow, and glanced at Fay.

"Wow, sister. I totally get why you were caught in the moment. Your boyfriend is adorable."

"Right? I tell him that all the time!"

"Still, next time take him to a room. We always have free ones."

"I promise." Fay grinned. "Come on, Matsu, lets go."

She took his hand as they walked out of the Cock Horse Inn.

* * *

 **And now, the review - pretty please?**


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